Things to Never Say, Do, or Give, to Lord Voldie

Things Never to Say, Do, or Give, to Lord Voldie

Liz Mann - Sep 26, 2003 8:35 pm
Edited by Oct 10, 2006 5:33 am

I put this thread on the regular forum but I was asked to put it here instead. So here it is! List your wild and crazy things here!

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Denise S. - Sep 27, 2003 3:30 am (#1 of 694)

You know, if you'd just relax, you probably wouldn't screw up so much, would you?

Really, a high-pitched voice doesn't really inspire fear.

I came as soon as you called, Dork Lard!

No fair! I got the Crucio last time! It's Lucius' turn now!

GOT YER CONK!

Hey, my lord, why did the chicken cross the road?

Why don't you just give up this pointless Harry Potter pursuit and become a gardner?

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The Great Abbycadabra - Sep 27, 2003 3:35 am (#2 of 694)
Edited by Sep 26, 2003 8:35 pm

You know, you shouldn't wear so much black. You're a summer, not a winter. Maybe we should add some pastels to your wardrobe.

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Slytherin Prefect - Sep 27, 2003 8:35 am (#3 of 694)

   "Why don't you just give up this pointless Harry Potter pursuit and become a gardener?"



Because Lord Voldemort's true destiny is to become a tattoo artist. ^_^

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Denise S. - Sep 27, 2003 6:06 pm (#4 of 694)

(Ach, so sue me for not having read it in a while!)

(actually, don't)

;-)

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Liz Mann - Sep 27, 2003 7:04 pm (#5 of 694)

Or a birthday clown! (*Nudges Pyro* )

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Gina R Snape - Sep 28, 2003 1:00 am (#6 of 694)

What a cute pet snake you've got!

Y'know, those red eyes don't really make you look scary so much as tired and blooshot.

Care for a drink? Oh, sorry, I'm all out of unicorn blood at the moment. Perhaps a nice cup of pumpkin juice instead?

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Denise P. - Sep 28, 2003 1:13 am (#7 of 694)

Visine, it gets the red out!

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Denise S. - Sep 28, 2003 4:17 am (#8 of 694)

My Lord, did you ever consider product promotions? You sure do have the face for it!

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Liz Mann - Sep 28, 2003 1:07 pm (#9 of 694)

Oi, you! Mouldy! Yeah, that's right, you, the one who looks like he's stepped out of a Muggle horror movie! You really should see someone about that Scitsofrenia, you know. I hear the Muggles are good at treating it!

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Joost! - Sep 30, 2003 10:53 am (#10 of 694)

Come on, kill him, nobody's looking.. Come on, he's just a baby... What can happen? You aren't scared are you?

OK, you could do that, but are you really sure you haven't overlooked any details? Remember what happened last time to your brilliant plan"? I suggest you think about it some more, maybe make a list of pro's and cons and when you're sure you've got your plan all worked out, come back.."

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Lenka - Sep 30, 2003 2:24 pm (#11 of 694)

You know, I wonder, did you ever think it might be just coincidence you became the Dark Lord? I mean, you just seem to mess up much more often than Neville...

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Liz Mann - Sep 30, 2003 4:51 pm (#12 of 694)
Edited by Sep 30, 2003 9:51 am

Does your infinite knowledge of magic get washed from your brain in the light of killing someone? 'Cause it sure seemed like it when you tried to kill Harry! Twice!

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Gina R Snape - Oct 1, 2003 2:43 am (#13 of 694)

Yeah. Go ahead. Try Avada Kedavra on Harry again. I mean, what are the chances of it failing a third time?

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Lenka - Oct 1, 2003 6:35 am (#14 of 694)

whispers: "Shh, Voldy, all you have to do to defeat Harry is fall in love. *hint hint, wink wink* Wanna see you try."

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Joost! - Oct 1, 2003 8:23 am (#15 of 694)

Your face smells like garlic.

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Gina R Snape - Oct 2, 2003 4:17 am (#16 of 694)

(sing along, everyone...)

Voldy and Bellatrix sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

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Anna Katarina - Oct 2, 2003 8:48 am (#17 of 694)

Avada Kedavra goes so well with your eyes.

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Lenka - Oct 2, 2003 11:24 am (#18 of 694)

You know, red isn't really your color. Try periwinkle blue... and add some hair on, baldness isn't fashionable right now...

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Vicky Leery - Oct 5, 2003 11:58 am (#19 of 694)

You know, if you were shorter, and walked around all hunched over saying preciousssss", you would look a lot like Golem."

There was one thing I saw on the movie "Hook" that I think applies here: "You need a mommy very badly."

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Liz Mann - Oct 5, 2003 7:07 pm (#20 of 694)

I love that film! And I love that quote!

Harry - You killed my father!

Voldie - No, Harry, I am your father!

Harry - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Well, it is something that Harry should never say to Voldie, just for a different reason.

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Denise S. - Oct 12, 2003 12:48 am (#21 of 694)

Have you ever thought of cosmetic surgery? Really, you have to have more appeal than that if you expect to gain a worldwide following. Or at least get some contacts--red really isn't your color.

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The Great Abbycadabra - Oct 12, 2003 6:42 am (#22 of 694)

You know, Voldie, darling. I hear that pinstripes are in.

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Liz Mann - Oct 12, 2003 5:04 pm (#23 of 694)
Edited by Oct 12, 2003 10:05 am

Voldie in pinstripes!!

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Sassi Fras - Oct 12, 2003 9:10 pm (#24 of 694)

You seem a little tense. Have you thought about trying yoga? I hear it does wonders fo...

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Gina R Snape - Oct 12, 2003 10:56 pm (#25 of 694)

I'm not a real wizard. But I know a few magical phrases...'Abracadabra'

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Denise S. - Oct 13, 2003 2:31 am (#26 of 694)

Me? Oh, no, I'm not a Death Eater at all! But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!

(--taken from an America commercial that I suppose by now is rather old)

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Gina R Snape - Oct 13, 2003 5:44 pm (#27 of 694)

Hey man. I heard you can do tattoos. Can I get the Tazmanian Devil on my butt?

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Liz Mann - Oct 13, 2003 7:08 pm (#28 of 694)



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Lenka - Oct 14, 2003 8:15 am (#29 of 694)
Edited by Oct 14, 2003 1:15 am



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Susurro Notities - Nov 11, 2003 2:32 am (#30 of 694)

Harry is such a nice boy. You should try to get to know him. To know him is to love him.

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Carina - Nov 11, 2003 3:05 am (#31 of 694)

Awwww... someone needs a hug...

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Susurro Notities - Nov 11, 2003 3:22 am (#32 of 694)

While we are hugging you would you like to talk about your feelings? What? No feelings?

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Gina R Snape - Nov 11, 2003 4:21 am (#33 of 694)

(in a sing-song voice)

Harry's gon-na wi-in.
Harry's gon-na wi-in.

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Susurro Notities - Nov 11, 2003 4:39 am (#34 of 694)

You are just like your father.

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Lenka - Nov 11, 2003 12:35 pm (#35 of 694)

or "Like father, like son."

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Istari Jones - Nov 14, 2003 5:28 pm (#36 of 694)
Edited by Nov 14, 2003 9:29 am

Someone needs a few anger management classes....

or...

Now, Tom...and I'm saying this with a lot of love in my voice...have you ever thought that just maybe you're suffering from an Obsessive-Compulsive disorder? After all, you are having a lot of trouble just letting go of this whole Harry potter thing. I mean, come on - it has been nearly 17 years that you've been hanging onto this revenge thing...

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The Great Abbycadabra - Nov 15, 2003 5:21 am (#37 of 694)

Oh, come here, Voldie, dear. You have a little dirt on your cheek. *spits into kleenex* Let me get that for you. You really ought to look your best when you're trying to take over the world and kill all the muggles and such.

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Istari Jones - Nov 15, 2003 8:11 pm (#38 of 694)

(*snicker*)

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Liz Mann - Nov 15, 2003 10:47 pm (#39 of 694)

Lol!

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Gina R Snape - Nov 29, 2003 4:41 pm (#40 of 694)
Edited by Nov 29, 2003 8:46 am

Say, will you be spending the holidays with your family?

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Joost! - Nov 29, 2003 10:27 pm (#41 of 694)

Tom

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Liz Mann - Dec 2, 2003 10:57 pm (#42 of 694)

Hey, Tommie boy, I think Hallowe'en's over, you can take off the snake-face mask now... Oh, it's your real face? Okay... you know what, I know a really good plastic surgeon, you might want to consider.

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Lenka - Dec 3, 2003 9:17 am (#43 of 694)

Tom and that cute muggle girl, sitting in a tree...

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Gina R Snape - Dec 3, 2003 6:49 pm (#44 of 694)

What I'd really fancy for Christmas is a new snakeskin purse with matching shoes...

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Blast - Dec 7, 2003 8:18 am (#45 of 694)

Hey Big V. I hear that Kiss is looking for a new drummer, you'd be perfect save them a lot on makeup. I don't think we're in Kansas any more Toto.

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Blast - Dec 7, 2003 7:19 pm (#46 of 694)

Never never say “come on snakeface make my day.”

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Blast - Dec 7, 2003 7:26 pm (#47 of 694)

Never never say “come on snakeface make my day.”

Sorry I know we were supposed to go to the Ministry of Magic to get the prophesy last night, but it was all you can eat rib night at the Three Broomsticks.

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Liz Mann - Dec 7, 2003 9:03 pm (#48 of 694)
Edited by Dec 7, 2003 1:04 pm

”Come on, Snakeface, make my day!”

Lol!

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Ticker - Dec 8, 2003 9:58 pm (#49 of 694)

OK

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Blast - Dec 9, 2003 5:10 am (#50 of 694)
Edited by Dec 8, 2003 9:11 pm

When out bowling in the Death Eaters Leauge, never say “O.K. boss your up  next  - kill them all this time. Ah boss, I meant the pins.”

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Liz Mann - Dec 9, 2003 7:18 pm (#51 of 694)

Lol!

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Pinky - Dec 10, 2003 1:41 am (#52 of 694)

~*pulls out baby photo book and squeals* Ooh! Look at ickle Voldiekins!

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Gina R Snape - Dec 10, 2003 2:58 am (#53 of 694)

If I were to join the Death Eaters...besides the cool tattoo, do we get benefits? How about a retirement package?

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Istari Jones - Dec 10, 2003 3:48 am (#54 of 694)

Greetings from the President of the United States of America:

Congratulations! Your draft number, #666, has been drawn by the US Military. You are hereby ordered to report to your nearest Army recruiter for instructions regarding basic training. Failure to comply will result in legal action.........

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Lenka - Dec 10, 2003 9:17 am (#55 of 694)

lol, Istari.

'Volde-what? What kind of name is that?'

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Blast - Dec 10, 2003 11:20 pm (#56 of 694)

Hey boss, did you ever consider popping a breath mint every once and a while?

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Susurro Notities - Dec 11, 2003 7:54 pm (#57 of 694)
Edited by Dec 11, 2003 11:54 am

Lord of what?

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The Great Abbycadabra - Dec 11, 2003 9:49 pm (#58 of 694)

Oooh, do you know the Lord of the Dance?

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Blast - Dec 11, 2003 11:58 pm (#59 of 694)

Okay since we're in a circle anyway, let's give the old guy a big welcome back group hug.

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Gina R Snape - Dec 12, 2003 1:23 am (#60 of 694)

Dark Lord...dark lord...dark lord... It rings a bell. Did we go to primary school together? NO..wait...University? Oh-my-gawd. Did we double-date with my friend Jennifer and that guy you knew from the Muggle Studies dept?

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Istari Jones - Dec 12, 2003 2:46 am (#61 of 694)

Duck Lard?

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Susurro Notities - Dec 12, 2003 4:15 am (#62 of 694)

Lordy, Lordy, Volde’s over 40.

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Lenka - Dec 12, 2003 12:22 pm (#63 of 694)

Lol. Nice one, Susurro.

'Hey, Tom, did you know the life expectancy of Dark Lords is 58? How old are you now? 56? Well, nothing to worry about, you still have two years to decide who gets to inherit you house. How about young Harry Potter?'

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Liz Mann - Dec 12, 2003 6:04 pm (#64 of 694)

Actually, I think he's in his 60s.

You're the Dark Lord? Oh, well, good luck taking over middle-earth, hope you get your ring back from those hobbits.

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Lenka - Dec 13, 2003 9:15 am (#65 of 694)

lol. Nice one, Liz.

As for Voldy's age: he was 15 50 years before Harry was 12, if that makes any sense... so he was 65 in CoS... so he's 68 in OoP. Okay, my bad, you're right.

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Liz Mann - Dec 13, 2003 10:51 pm (#66 of 694)

Actually, he was 16.

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Lenka - Dec 14, 2003 5:50 pm (#67 of 694)
Edited by Dec 14, 2003 9:50 am

That depends on which way you look at it. He was in his fifth year, which could mean he was born in 1924 or in 1923.

heh. Math. *grin*

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Blast - Dec 15, 2003 7:50 am (#68 of 694)

Have you ever thought about a name change? Lord Voldemort is so yesterday. What about just Bob?

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Liz Mann - Dec 15, 2003 3:45 pm (#69 of 694)

So what do you want for Christmas, Tommy? How about a Harry Potter bedspread?

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Blast - Dec 19, 2003 1:29 am (#70 of 694)

You know we're all getting a little old for this. Why don't we just turn the manor into a Bed and Breakfast.

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Gina R Snape - Dec 21, 2003 5:29 am (#71 of 694)

I love a good bed and breakfast. But Severus does not. He finds it unpleasant to sit at breakfast with strangers and make small talk.

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Blast - Dec 21, 2003 12:26 pm (#72 of 694)

If Ijoin the Death Eaters is there a benefit package too? Also I can't work on friday night, that is my bowling night, I'm on Dumbledore's team this year. He's a really great guy you know.

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Liz Mann - Dec 21, 2003 5:23 pm (#73 of 694)

I think you probably would have just been Avada Kedavra’d you know, Blast. Or is it Newt?

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Blast - Dec 21, 2003 5:42 pm (#74 of 694)

Either one is fine, but maybe he would of transformed me into a head pin.

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Istari Jones - Dec 21, 2003 11:45 pm (#75 of 694)

LOL, 'Newt, I still have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard from your last post. "I can't work on Friday night..." Thanks, I really needed that!

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Blast - Dec 28, 2003 9:21 pm (#76 of 694)

Hey boss how do you like my new Snakeskin boots I got for Christmas. B.T.W. I think that you would look good in them.

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Liz Mann - Dec 28, 2003 9:22 pm (#77 of 694)
Edited by Dec 28, 2003 1:23 pm

They were generously donated by Nagini... Well, why did you think you haven't seen her lately?

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Istari Jones - Dec 29, 2003 2:22 am (#78 of 694)

You got coal in your stocking!?! Wow, that's a big surprise (not!)

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Gina R Snape - Dec 29, 2003 3:36 am (#79 of 694)

Yes, I know you want me to be at the big showdown at the ministry when Potter finally figures out he needs to get the prophesy from off the shelf. But that day is my birthday and I absolutely refuse to work on my birthday!

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Blast - Dec 30, 2003 1:55 am (#80 of 694)

Sure I will do that Dark Lord, but first let's see what Lockhart has to say about it.

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Blast - Dec 30, 2003 8:50 pm (#81 of 694)

Hey Dark Lord, a few of us have been talking and instead of Crucio, we think that a time out in the corner would be much more effective.

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Liz Mann - Dec 30, 2003 10:26 pm (#82 of 694)

Hey boss, how come we do all your dirty work, and we don't even get paid?!

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Gina R Snape - Dec 31, 2003 12:06 am (#83 of 694)

Listen, mate. I leant you one of my robes at your, er, 'rebirthing party' and you never gave it back. Well, I want it tomorrow. And I want it dry-cleaned. Heaven only knows what kind of stains you've gotten on it. And I know what you've been wearing underneath it.

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Istari Jones - Jan 1, 2004 12:13 am (#84 of 694)

Instead of Crucio, what about just tickling someone until they do what you want? I mean, all this screaming in agony and everything....now, really! Some laughter would be much better, don't you think?

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Marye Lupin - Jan 1, 2004 1:46 am (#85 of 694)

Tommy, Can you hear me?

(It's a line from the musical Tommy by The Who. My high school theater department put it on a few weeks ago and somebody made a joke about how Voldemort's name was Tom :-) )

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Istari Jones - Jan 1, 2004 4:52 pm (#86 of 694)

Look, Tom...Okay, okay, "Lord Voldemort"...(Rolls eyes) Look, we'll let you "take over the world" after you solve this Rubik's cube, Okay? That's a good boy. Here, take it...

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Blast - Jan 4, 2004 11:21 pm (#87 of 694)
Edited by Jan 4, 2004 3:23 pm

So let me get this straight, you're having problems with some kid who's still in wizard school, and you want us to believe that you’re the greatest wizard since sliced bread? Or hey Dark Lord, I'll be you ten galleons that that Potter kid can whip you again.

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Liz Mann - Jan 5, 2004 10:13 pm (#88 of 694)

Potter is our King,

He will not let the Dark Lord win,

That's why the whole world sings,

Potter is our King!

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Susurro Notities - Jan 11, 2004 5:15 pm (#89 of 694)

Tom, Tom, the piper's son...

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Liz Mann - Jan 12, 2004 3:42 pm (#90 of 694)

...stole a pig and away he ran!

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Blast - Jan 13, 2004 4:03 am (#91 of 694)

Hey Dark Lord is your real middle name Malvolo, that means bad flyer, guess you weren't much on the Quiddich Pitch.

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Gina R Snape - Jan 13, 2004 5:08 am (#92 of 694)

What's your middle name? Marvel (like the comics?) Marvolvo? Do your parents drive a volvo or something? Marvin? Now that's a nice name.

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Liz Mann - Jan 13, 2004 3:20 pm (#93 of 694)

Pft! Trying to take over the world? That is so last year! Sorry, Tommy, Evil Dark Lord is out. Birthday clowns are in. Maybe you should think of switching professions? Then you could have a name like Bubbles instead of that tacky, gothic 'Voldemort' thing. How Muggle Literature is that?

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A-is-for-Amy - Jan 13, 2004 4:42 pm (#94 of 694)

Voldie and Bella sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

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Gina R Snape - Jan 13, 2004 6:05 pm (#95 of 694)

...First comes murder,
...Then comes mayhem,
...Then come the unforgivable curses for the rest of 'em!

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Liz Mann - Jan 13, 2004 6:24 pm (#96 of 694)

Nice one! I tried to come up with an alternative for the rest of that song but I couldn't think of anything.

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Hem Hem - Jan 14, 2004 2:10 am (#97 of 694)
Edited by Jan 13, 2004 6:11 pm

Hey Tom, did you know that the French call you Elvis Jedusor Riddle?

Hey Elvis! Do you sing songs in funny rhinestone jumpsuits?

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The Great Abbycadabra - Jan 14, 2004 7:37 am (#98 of 694)

Heeheehee, "Azkaban Rock".

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Lenka - Jan 14, 2004 2:41 pm (#99 of 694)

PS: See the fanart thread with Elvis Voldemort and the Dementoriettes.

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Liz Mann - Jan 14, 2004 9:52 pm (#100 of 694)
Edited by Jan 14, 2004 1:52 pm

I've seen that! It's funny!

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Blast - Jan 15, 2004 12:23 am (#101 of 694)

Hey boss after we go and torture all those Muggles, can we please go out for an ice cream? The feature flavour this month is Harry Potter heavenly hash, they even give you a lightning shaped squiggle of chocolate on it.

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Ticker - Jan 20, 2004 12:50 am (#102 of 694)

Just grab your trunks & we'll run down to the beach for a bit of fun in the sun. You can get wet, can't you?

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The Great Abbycadabra - Jan 20, 2004 6:58 am (#103 of 694)

Maybe you should just get a tan. You're looking rather pale, Voldie dear. And, my my, you're just skin and bones! Here, have a turkey sandwich.

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Liz Mann - Jan 20, 2004 3:08 pm (#104 of 694)

Or how about a bit of snake meat? I hear it tastes like chicken!

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Gina R Snape - Jan 20, 2004 6:42 pm (#105 of 694)

Soooo, like, my boyfriend is like TOTALLY spying on you. OMG. He's, like, going to your meetings and stuff, and just, you know, reporting EVERYTHING to your enemies. You have been, like, so totally fooled! OMG.

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Liz Mann - Jan 20, 2004 9:42 pm (#106 of 694)

That'd be a good way to get your boyfriend murdered, Gina.

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Gina R Snape - Jan 20, 2004 11:51 pm (#107 of 694)

Yes, Liz. That's why it's a thing NOT to say to Lord Voldie!!!

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Liz Mann - Jan 21, 2004 12:10 am (#108 of 694)

Okay, okay!

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Blast - Jan 21, 2004 12:27 am (#109 of 694)

Hey let's play monopoly. It's your turn master, oh good you got snake eyes.

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A-is-for-Amy - Jan 21, 2004 2:46 am (#110 of 694)

Can we go to McDonald's? Please??? I heard they have these really cool new happy meal toys, master! There's Harry on a broomstick and Harry with his wand and Harry with Dumbledore.....

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Ticker - Jan 22, 2004 12:06 am (#111 of 694)

Gina, your valley-girl post & Hermione avatar match nicely - like OMG!

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Gina R Snape - Jan 22, 2004 2:37 am (#112 of 694)

Thanks, Ticker! (And thanks, Sassi Sorry I couldn't respond in time!).

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The Great Abbycadabra - Jan 22, 2004 6:50 am (#113 of 694)

Um, HELLO! Now is not a good time to do your nefarious bidding! I'm watching American Idol!

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Emily - Jan 22, 2004 9:56 pm (#114 of 694)
Edited by Jan 22, 2004 1:57 pm

*sneaking up behind*Boo!

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Liz Mann - Jan 22, 2004 10:10 pm (#115 of 694)

Got your conk!

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Ticker - Jan 22, 2004 11:39 pm (#116 of 694)

So, are you the type of guy who wants to know if there's something green between your teeth, or if there’s a booger hangin' outa your nose? - cuz there is.

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Blast - Feb 6, 2004 1:30 pm (#117 of 694)

Personally I think you need an image change. We'll get a consultant in and do a little work on your image, maybe something with your face,

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Gina R Snape - Feb 7, 2004 4:56 am (#118 of 694)
Edited by Feb 6, 2004 8:57 pm

I agree, Blast. Your mover is creepy looking and needs a total facial reconstruction. Perhaps Poppy can assist in the surgery. I'd recommend a larger nose to start.

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Blast - Feb 10, 2004 2:44 am (#119 of 694)
Edited by Feb 9, 2004 6:46 pm

Hey great mask master, did you get it at Walmart? Sorry master, when I sneezed I didn't mean to Ava Kedavra Malfoy.

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Sabotage - Feb 13, 2004 12:06 am (#120 of 694)

You know...a little tan will go a long way...

Maybe you're just losing your touch Voldie man. You should go on a holiday... Oh and try not to kill anyone while you're there. Don't worry. I'll take care of everything...

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Istari Jones - Feb 13, 2004 12:51 am (#121 of 694)
Edited by Feb 12, 2004 4:51 pm

I think someone needs a nap...

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Emily - Feb 14, 2004 1:35 am (#122 of 694)
Edited by Feb 13, 2004 5:35 pm

Are we a little cranky?

Time for your depression medicine, Tommie.

Those muggles really do know more than you give them credit for...

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Sabotage - Feb 14, 2004 11:45 pm (#123 of 694)

Well. What’s up with that nose?

You really need to brush up on your Dueling skills man. I mean you let this Harry kid beat you what... six times already?

*Hands Voldemort a fake tan cream* "You better get started on this now..."

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A-is-for-Amy - Feb 16, 2004 5:15 pm (#124 of 694)

You're not the boss of me!

OR

Yeah? Make me!

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Emily - Feb 17, 2004 12:53 am (#125 of 694)

LOL - Make Me!

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Hermionefan(#1) - Feb 17, 2004 1:57 am (#126 of 694)

Hey--Happy Birthday!

Wazzup?

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Istari Jones - Feb 17, 2004 3:01 am (#127 of 694)

What stinks in here? Smells like...garlic or something...

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A-is-for-Amy - Feb 17, 2004 4:01 am (#128 of 694)

Are we there yet? "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?" "Are we there yet?"

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PyroGrl - Feb 17, 2004 4:06 am (#129 of 694)

OMG, that WOULD get annoying!

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A-is-for-Amy - Feb 17, 2004 1:38 pm (#130 of 694)

OOOOhhh sorry! I meant that that is something that one should never say to me!

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Istari Jones - Feb 17, 2004 3:34 pm (#131 of 694)
Edited by Feb 17, 2004 7:40 am

LOL! (Wipes tears from my eyes in laughter) "Are we there yet?" I agree! That's almost as annoying as continuous whining!

Imagine a whiny Wormtail: "Ooooh, I don't want to milk Nagini!" "Ooooh, do I have to take care of you?" "Ooooh, I don't want to give you my hand!" "Ooooh, I don't want to hurt Harry Potter! "Ooooh, I don't want to be a Death Eater anymore!" "Ooooh, Snape is picking on me again!"

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Hermionefan(#1) - Feb 17, 2004 10:04 pm (#132 of 694)

Have a biscuit.

Dude, you like totally need a like breath mint man!'


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Emily[/B] - Feb 17, 2004 10:28 pm (#133 of 694)


You know, there's a muggle surgeon I know who can fix your face.

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[Ticker]Ticker - Feb 18, 2004 7:34 pm (#134 of 694)

OK! Group shot every one!

What do you mean that was your smile?

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A-is-for-Amy Feb 21, 2004 4:11 am (#135 of 694)

Instead of skull and snake, can my dark mark be a unicorn?

"Wet Willy!"

_____________________________________

Blast - Feb 21, 2004 4:28 am (#136 of 694)
Edited by Feb 20, 2004 8:30 pm

No no, master you’re doing it all wrong, it's swish and flick

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Feb 21, 2004 2:07 pm (#137 of 694)

Look, stop, stop, stop! You're going to take someone's eye out! Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's Avaaarda Kedaaavra, not Avadaaa Kedavraaa.

_____________________________________

Lenka - Feb 21, 2004 3:09 pm (#138 of 694)
Edited by Feb 21, 2004 7:11 am

The following quotes are from "Draco Dormiens" by Cassandra Claire. All credit goes to her. It's Draco, disguised as Harry, talking to Voldemort.
****
“Does my touch burn you?”  he said in his horrible voice. "Does it pain you, Harry Potter?"

“No,” said Draco, "but it tickles like hell."

----

“Take my hand,” Harry Potter," he said, holding it out to Draco.

“Not until you put some lotion on those cuts,” said Draco, "they look really nasty."

“Take my hand!”

the last, and the best:

He looked over at his father, who was looking both anxious and greedily hopeful. "Are you pleased, Master?" Lucius Malfoy said.

“I am,” said the Dark Lord. "Lucius, you and your Death Eaters have done very well."

“Lucius and the Death Eaters,” said Draco, wishing his voice didn't sound so croaky. "Kind of sounds like a band name."

Lucius and Voldemort both stared at him. Draco stared back. If he was going to die, he was determined to die being obnoxious, which after all was what he was good at.
****
Okay,I cracked up while I was posting the last one, which is stupid as I already read it like five times before, and a repeated joke isn't supposed to be funny.

Never mind.

Lenka.

_____________________________________

A-is-for-Amy - Feb 21, 2004 3:17 pm (#139 of 694)

In honor of Valentine's day, I just want to say that I Love You!

_____________________________________

Lenka - Feb 21, 2004 6:05 pm (#140 of 694)

Amy, you haven't been reading "The Master" recently, have you?

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Feb 21, 2004 7:09 pm (#141 of 694)

Lenka, if they meet again in the third one, I can't wait to see what his reaction is then!

_____________________________________

Lenka - Feb 21, 2004 9:13 pm (#142 of 694)
Edited by Feb 21, 2004 1:24 pm

lol, Pyro. Whose reaction? Draco's or Voldie's?

Oh... a thing you shouldn't say to Tommie dearest:

You do realize you come from the blood traitor branch of your family, don't you? It there was a Slytherin family tree tapestry, you would definitely be blasted off.

---

Did you know the best dictators ever were always really short chaps? Napoleon, Hitler... By the sound of it, Harry has a better chance to become the supreme ruler of the universe than you do. And so does Wormtail, by the way.

---

Bellatrix: "My Lord, did you say that only the Potter boy can kill you? Very well. In that particular case, I suggest only one thing: Move to Antarctica!"

---

Ginny writing to her diary: "Tom, you're my best friend, but Harry's always going to be better than you. And don't you even suggest my brother is weak - he could beat you into bloody pulp if he wanted to."

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Feb 21, 2004 9:17 pm (#143 of 694)

LOL.

I meant both. Voldie would be like, "YOU again? Here to torture me with your incredible wit?"

No, I'm here to torture you with my good looks.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Feb 21, 2004 9:56 pm (#144 of 694)
Edited by Feb 21, 2004 1:56 pm

LOL!!!

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The Great Abbycadabra - Feb 25, 2004 10:16 am (#145 of 694)
Edited by Feb 25, 2004 2:16 am

*places Whoopie cushion on Voldie's chair*

_____________________________________

Ticker - Feb 25, 2004 6:20 pm (#146 of 694)

... right next to one of the Weasley's WW Fake Wands...

ABBY! Long time no read! LOL!

_____________________________________

Mad Madame Mim - Feb 26, 2004 4:06 pm (#147 of 694)

Hey Voldy! I'm having this Haunted House thing for the girl scouts, do you think you can make an appearance?

or

We need to raise some funds for our cause. Can we have a bachelor auction? You’re not seeing anyone are you?

_____________________________________

Ticker - Feb 26, 2004 6:01 pm (#148 of 694)

Ewwwwwwww - bachelor auction - do you think he'll get much?

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Emily - Feb 26, 2004 7:20 pm (#149 of 694)

I think you would have to pay someone to take him.

_____________________________________

Ticker - Feb 27, 2004 12:01 am (#150 of 694)

Oy - I wouldn't tell him that either...

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Liz Mann - Feb 27, 2004 12:23 am (#151 of 694)

I don't think anyone would take him even if you paid them a fortune!

_____________________________________

Blast - Feb 27, 2004 12:27 am (#152 of 694)

Oh Master we have one person too many for a game of Quidditch.

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Feb 27, 2004 12:58 am (#153 of 694)

(If Fred and George became Death Eaters...)

Fred (laughing): "...and then -ha, ha- then there was Professor Quirrel at Hogwarts, remember, George?"

George (bent over double with mirth): "Yeah! Remember when we pelted the back of his head with all those snowballs? Haaaa-haaaa-haa!!!! How many did we whack him with on the back of the head? Twenty? Thirty?" (Another peal of laughter)

Fred: "Hee - hee - ha! At least! Haa - haaaa! And another dozen that had rocks in them!"

George: "Ho, Ho! And four or five that were slush balls!"

_____________________________________

A-is-for-Amy - Feb 27, 2004 2:32 am (#154 of 694)

woo hoo! I won Lord Voldemort in an auction! Now I can put him on my doorstep to frighten away those pesky door to door salesman!

_____________________________________

Blast - Feb 27, 2004 4:04 am (#155 of 694)

Ah the other Death Eaters and I got together and got you a going away present, just in case you decide to go after Potter again.

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Feb 27, 2004 7:33 am (#156 of 694)
Edited by Feb 26, 2004 11:33 pm

Yo, Voldie! I'm some 300-odd posts behind in St. Mungo's. Would you mind reading that for me and giving me a brief summary?

*jumps behind Voldie during a group shot and gives him bunny ears*

Voldie, do you like Kenny G?

Hey, Ticker, glad you missed me.

_____________________________________

Ticker - Feb 27, 2004 12:01 pm (#157 of 694)
Edited by Feb 27, 2004 4:01 am

Yeah, Voldie, I mean Lord Voldie, I mean, yeah whatever... you could use a little soft music like Kenny G...

(I'm not the only one who misses you Abby - come join us in Hawaii for a little more bedpan quidditch over the volcano...)

_____________________________________

Mad Madame Mim - Feb 27, 2004 9:14 pm (#158 of 694)

Has anybody seen my Harry Potter action figure?

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Feb 28, 2004 6:22 am (#159 of 694)

heeheehee, Harry Potter action figure. That's great, Madame Mim! So is your name, by the way.

Voldie, how about I paint your toenails? I have a lovely assortment of colours available.

_____________________________________

Mad Madame Mim - Feb 28, 2004 4:21 pm (#160 of 694)

Thanks Abbycadabra!

Here's a Death Eater T-shirt Idea:

On the front a rather larger Dark Mark, and in very small print circling it "I'm with stupid." On the back a tiny lightning bolt with the words "Harry Potter rocks"!

_____________________________________

Ticker - Feb 28, 2004 5:21 pm (#161 of 694)
Edited by Feb 28, 2004 9:21 am

Oooooh - I want one MMM!

----------------------------------------------------------

What do you mean, you don't want to renew your membership in Amnesty International?

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Feb 29, 2004 7:08 am (#162 of 694)

heeheehee, I'd like one of those shirts too. You could start a business, Madame Mim! And feel free to call me Abby.

Isn't this a bit dark and dank for a bachelor pad?

_____________________________________

Mad Madame Mim - Mar 1, 2004 6:25 pm (#163 of 694)

Abby and Ticker,

I don't have any images worked out yet, but when I do I let you know.

___________

Charles Manson was ranked number 1 on the dark master minds of the world poll. Hey! you're not on this list?!?

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Mar 1, 2004 8:32 pm (#164 of 694)
Edited by Mar 1, 2004 12:36 pm

Your shoelace is untied! Ha! Made you look!

In Steve Irwin, Croc Hunter, voice: "Crikey! Aren't you gorgeous! Are you venomous? Terri! Get me a bushy stick! I mustn't let this little beauty invenomate me..."

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Mar 1, 2004 8:47 pm (#165 of 694)

Danger, danger, danger! Crikey, love that snake handling Croc Hunter!

_____________________________________

Mad Madame Mim - Mar 2, 2004 1:51 am (#166 of 694)

Woo-Hoo Abby!

If this doesn't work out you could make good money in the circus.

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Mar 2, 2004 6:54 am (#167 of 694)

Heh, thanks.

But, what's your motivation?

_____________________________________

Acceber - Mar 7, 2004 11:46 pm (#168 of 694)

So, Tommie my boy, you don't have any love, do you. Ever heard that Beatles song, All You Need Is Love? Huh? Have you? 'Cause if you had love, you wouldn't need anything else, like Avada Kedavra. Nope, just love.

# waves image of Harry in front of Voldy's face* Look, Voldy. Look at Harry. You want to kill him don't you. Yes you do. That's what it said on the prophecy. And you want to know all of what the prophecy said, don't you? If you fall asleep, you can hear it. Go to sleep, Voldy. Go to sleep. That's a good boy. *AKs Voldy*

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 7, 2004 11:49 pm (#169 of 694)

LOL!

_____________________________________

Madame Librarian - Mar 8, 2004 8:04 pm (#170 of 694)

Well, I'm sorry if it made you upset, but white socks with those black trainers just don't say "Dark Lord of the Whole Universe" to me. If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask Muggle Eye for the Wizard Guy. Sheesh.

Ciao. Barb

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 8, 2004 8:55 pm (#171 of 694)

Muggle Eye for the Wizard Guy! Lol!

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Mar 8, 2004 10:50 pm (#172 of 694)

You know, Voldie, there are yellow socks randomly appearing on people's heads all over the world. People are more afraid of them than they are of you!!

_____________________________________

Blast - Mar 9, 2004 10:56 am (#173 of 694)

Sorry that I'm late, I know that you summoned me with the Dark Mark but it was all you can eat buffet at the Leaky Cauldron and I wasn't leaving untill the desert tray came out. MMM, donuts.

_____________________________________

Ticker - Mar 11, 2004 7:05 pm (#174 of 694)

snort - Muggle Eye for the Wizard Guy - hee, hee

I see Ginny Weasley has found she has a connection with you as well. Don't worry. That bat bogey hex actually makes you look better.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 11, 2004 11:06 pm (#175 of 694)

LOL!

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A-is-for-Amy - Mar 13, 2004 3:50 am (#176 of 694)

Hello!!! McFly!!!

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Mar 15, 2004 2:33 am (#177 of 694)

Ok, now here's the chorus. It goes like this...



Ding dong, the witch is dead.



Which old witch?



The wicked witch.



Ding Dong the wicked witch is dead!



She's gone where the goblins go



Below, below yo-ho...



Huh?



Oh...Sorry Boss.

_____________________________________


Ticker - Mar 15, 2004 4:11 am (#178 of 694)



Very prrretty Istari.

_____________________________________


Madame Librarian - Mar 15, 2004 4:47 am (#179 of 694)

Edited by Mar 14, 2004 8:50 pm


Well, I'm sorry again. Trust me, those ruby slippers are no improvement on the black trainers. Yes, of course, white socks and ruby slippers looked adorable on Dorothy, but, listen carefully, honey, you're no Judy Garland by a long shot, and Wormtail's no Toto.

Like I said before maybe you're not cut out for Muggle Eye for the Wizard Guy (and his rat).

Ciao. Barb

_____________________________________

Blast - Mar 19, 2004 5:57 pm (#193 of 694)

Look at it this way boss, we failed miserably but we did learn something. The next time we try to get that prophesy, we will know what you did wrong.

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Mar 19, 2004 11:11 pm (#194 of 694)

This isn't something not to say to Voldie, but it's what Voldie will never say (or sing, if you prefer):

I know (sob) love will find a way. Anywhere I go, I'm home...

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 19, 2004 11:17 pm (#195 of 694)

I love that song!

_____________________________________

Blast - Mar 20, 2004 12:12 pm (#196 of 694)

An Eagle Owl descends from the sky, and lands in front of Voldemort. He takes the scroll gently from the bird's leg. He then unrolls it. The message says Dear Dark Lord, you too could be rich beyond your wildest dreams, just return your vault number with this owl. In three months you will get an update, your money will be doubled in a year. Yours truely, Ludo Bagman, WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 20, 2004 10:16 pm (#197 of 694)



_____________________________________

A-is-for-Amy - Mar 24, 2004 6:04 am (#198 of 694)

I kill for you, I steal for you, I use the Imperious... and what to I get in return? You could at least say "Thank You" you know! And when do we get paid?

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Mar 27, 2004 3:47 am (#199 of 694)

Uhhh, sir? You have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe...

_____________________________________

Marie E. - Mar 27, 2004 5:43 am (#200 of 694)

Woo hoo! 200!

I was supposed to tell you what kind of wand Harry Potter has? Opps, my bad!

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 27, 2004 2:19 pm (#201 of 694)

You've got dirt on your nose, by the way, did you know?

_____________________________________

Hermionefan(#1) - Mar 27, 2004 7:58 pm (#202 of 694)
Edited by Mar 27, 2004 11:59 am

...your mother called...

(I know she's gone but oh well)

_____________________________________

Blast - Mar 28, 2004 2:46 am (#203 of 694)
Edited by Mar 27, 2004 6:47 pm

Master if anything ever happens to me, could you do me a favour and find a good home for my stuffed animals and bunny slippers.

_____________________________________

Blast - Mar 28, 2004 7:05 pm (#204 of 694)

Master so we failed miserably at getting the prophesy, but I know what will cheer you up, here have a chocolate frog, and look you got Dumbledore......

_____________________________________

Ticker - Mar 29, 2004 3:27 pm (#205 of 694)

Quirrill: Now,... I see what I desire..., but how do I get it?

Voldemort: Use the boy.

Quirrill: Come here Potter! Now! Tell me,... what do you see?

Harry: Well... the picture on the sign is for the Double Whopper Combo Meal. You just have to talk to the nice lady at the counter & place your order.

_____________________________________

Emily - Mar 30, 2004 11:52 pm (#206 of 694)
Edited by Mar 30, 2004 3:53 pm

LOL Ticker!

Jeez, my Lord, don't you have any fashion sense at all?!? Black is so five minutes ago! Oh, and murdering that Potter kid - definitely out.

.*Walk up to Voldie* *Laugh long and loud in his face* *Stop and stick your tongue out* *walk away whistling* *Whisper loudly to the DE next to you so Voldie can hear 'Wow, I've wanted to do that forever. It feels great!'*

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Mar 31, 2004 1:08 am (#207 of 694)

Voldemort's mother-in-law (yeah, I know he doesn't really have one!)

So! There you sit! All day long, letting people wait on you hand and foot, you lazy, good-for-nothing bum! Go out and get a real job, why don't you? I thought you were going to be a success and take over the world! So what happened, Mr. Big Shot? My poor baby sits home alone day in and day out after slaving over a hot cauldron all day long and you all you do is go out with "the guys" every night raising all kinds of trouble! When I think that my poor baby could have married that nice Albus Dumbledore and lived happily ever after, but no! You came along with your empty promises of fortune and glory and swept my poor baby off her feet, well it just breaks my heart!

Silencio!

Don't you even think of silencing me, you worthless excuse for a ...a ...whatever you are! And why don't you do something about your appearance? Look at you! You used to be so nice looking! What happened? You let yourself go to pot...literally!

I'm warning you, you old hag, be quiet or else suffer my displeasure!

You're warning me? You couldn't crawl out of that cauldron without help from your buddies! "Dark Lord" my foot! You can't even get the best of that Potter kid! How many times have you tried, now? Four? Five? If I were you, I'd quit while I was ahead. Get a good job, for crying out loud! Quit trying to take over the world! You can even balance your checkbook right! If I were you...

Crucio! Crucio!

Crucio? Oh, puh-lease! I've had six children. Do you think that little old crucio charm could hurt me? Try going through 36 hours of hard labor! And that was just for the first kid! And when I say hard labor....

Sigh

_____________________________________

Ticker - Mar 31, 2004 3:04 am (#208 of 694)

My, my Istari. I hope you get to be someone's mother-in-law - you're so good at it.

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Mar 31, 2004 3:48 am (#209 of 694)

Thanks for the compliment...I think...

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Mar 31, 2004 3:53 am (#210 of 694)

Something VOLDEMORT will NEVER sing:

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in looove...

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Mar 31, 2004 6:31 pm (#211 of 694)

Crucio? Oh, puh-lease! I've had six children. Do you think that little old crucio charm could hurt me? Try going through 36 hours of hard labor! And that was just for the first kid! And when I say hard labor....

LOL, Istari!

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Apr 1, 2004 4:33 am (#212 of 694)

Thanks. We aim to please!

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 1, 2004 7:53 am (#213 of 694)

Master we have done it. We caught Potter in Hogsmeade and eliminated him Not! April Fool!

_____________________________________

Acceber - Apr 4, 2004 5:54 pm (#214 of 694)

Master, we have failed at getting the prophecy again, but don't worry, I know how to do a Cheering Charm, you might need a couple. Scratch that, maybe a few more than a couple. *backs away firing Cheering Charms at top speed*

_____________________________________

dobbyiscool - Apr 5, 2004 8:36 pm (#215 of 694)

Voldie- "Wormtail, what does my planner say for today?"

Wormtail- "Well, you have a meeting with the DE's at seven to tell them your plans to kill Harry Potter, sir. Wait a minute! Isn't that what you did on this day last year? And the year before that? Say! You did that same thing fifteen years ago as well!"

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Apr 8, 2004 5:05 am (#216 of 694)
Edited by Apr 7, 2004 10:05 pm

*bows* Istari, we aren't worthy! Oh my gosh, that was great!

*turns channel on television* Oops, sorry Voldie, were you watching that? I wanted to watch Jerry Springer. Today's episode is called "Dark Wizards and Those Who Thwart Them".

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Apr 9, 2004 4:04 pm (#217 of 694)

(Thanks, Abby!)

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 9, 2004 4:53 pm (#218 of 694)

Ishtari you are a humour goddess, I read your post first thing in the morning and it didn't register.

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 10, 2004 2:03 am (#219 of 694)

We are in luck, the all-powerful one is not here,' said Wormtail.'What are you talking about, The Dark Lord is hiding Easter Eggs.'replied Malfoy.'I'm not talking about him, Kip's on medical leave, I'd face the Master's wrath any day but being Kipendoed that's scary' exclaimed Wormtail.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Apr 10, 2004 1:30 pm (#220 of 694)

LOL, Blast!

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Apr 10, 2004 6:07 pm (#221 of 694)

ROTFL, 'Newt! I've been there...it's much scary than being face to face with Voldemort! Ha!

Signed, the Humor Goddess (*snicker!*)

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 11, 2004 4:40 am (#222 of 694)

Come on Master please put on the bunny suit. We have all had a turn and it wouldn't be a Death Eater egg hunt if the Easter Bunny didn't make an appearance.

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Apr 11, 2004 7:29 am (#223 of 694)

(You're Welcome, Istari!)

Heehee, Blast, that's great!

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 11, 2004 12:34 pm (#224 of 694)

[The Death Eaters are in a circle, joined hands dancing and singing,]here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail, all of a sudden there is a flash of green light,'Avada Kadarva' said The Dark Lord."You know I would kill some days for chocolate."

_____________________________________

Ticker - Apr 14, 2004 2:06 am (#225 of 694)

Oh my gosh, Blast! How do you keep coming up with all this? You make me laugh daily - thanks!

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Apr 21, 2004 2:12 am (#226 of 694)

Never give him a sphinx, Hiffogryff, or Griffon for his birthday or Christmas.

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 21, 2004 10:42 am (#227 of 694)

As Voldemort sat by the river talking aloud,' Why can't I get this one thing done, my staff is useless, every time that I try, it ends in failure' Then from beside him comes a voice, why don't you just fire them, that's what I do it inspires fear in the others and they get the job done, said the Donald. ' I have a better way than that' replied Voldemort, 'I'll show you but before that could you get me Jessica Simpson's number?

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Apr 22, 2004 5:18 pm (#228 of 694)
Edited by Apr 22, 2004 10:20 am

Do you mean Marge and Homer's kid? I don't think they would like that very much. But... let's picture Bart as a Death Eater.....Hmmm. He'd like the tattoo...

_____________________________________

draco all the way - May 11, 2004 6:45 am (#229 of 694)

Stolen shamelessly from "how to lose a guy in 10 days"

Voldie sitting at the head of a table scheming dark schemes with his death eaters when all of the sudden Bella comes up from behind him with a tissue

O.k Blow- no one likes a mister Sniffles!

_____________________________________

Devika - May 12, 2004 7:19 am (#230 of 694)

At the rebirthing ceremony.... *pinches* "New pinch!!!"

(in baby tone)Alright alright, Tom.... you can go kill the Potter boy... but first spell.... Avada Kedavra...

_____________________________________

Little Ginny - May 15, 2004 7:52 pm (#231 of 694)

Sooo, Tom, during our last session we spoke about how you never had a father, and how much it affected you. But now, if you think of your time at school, what was the problem there, you think? yes, just relax, close your eyes, and tell me what's on your mind right now...

Oooh, Volders, dear, I heard you couldn't kill that Potter boy again , oh, I'm so sorry, but look, darling, I got you that really nice Teddy-bear, so at least you won't feel so alone any more at night times. you can hug him and tell him all that troubles you. Just give him a try!

_____________________________________

Blast - May 27, 2004 2:39 am (#232 of 694)

Master since the Goblins have taken all of Malfoy's gold, we are all going to have to cut back, but at least we can all have a change of underwear. Master you can change with Goyle, Goyle you can change with Crabbe, hey what's everbody complaning about, thank goodness that Snape's not here.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - May 27, 2004 1:35 pm (#233 of 694)

LOL!!!

_____________________________________

Lenka - May 28, 2004 11:22 am (#234 of 694)

wow. That was great. )

_____________________________________

draco all the way - Jun 5, 2004 4:07 am (#235 of 694)

Great but...ewww!

_____________________________________

Blast - Jun 6, 2004 5:35 pm (#236 of 694)

Boss can you do something about Murray the Dementor, he keeps borrowing Bela's lipstick without asking.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Jun 6, 2004 6:22 pm (#237 of 694)

Murray??? Too Funny

_____________________________________

Ticker - Jun 7, 2004 7:21 pm (#238 of 694)

Speaking of Bella's lipstick,... I'm afraid that shade is a bit too pink for you. It clashes with your eyes... and your skin... and your teeth... and your floral robe...

_____________________________________

Little Ginny - Jun 8, 2004 4:22 pm (#239 of 694)

But then, I always thought you were a kind of autumn type. Why don't we ask Gilderoy Lockhart whether he can lend you some nice autumn-coloured robes?

_____________________________________

Blast - Jun 8, 2004 10:23 pm (#240 of 694)

Master, do you know a good potion to cure halatosis? These Dementors could sure use some. Murray has to do something, the other Dementors are starting to call him Dogbreath.

_____________________________________

A-is-for-Amy - Jun 9, 2004 3:35 am (#241 of 694)

My Lord, I have had word from Warner Brothers that your character will be completely computer generated in the fourth Harry Potter movie because they couldn't find an actor ugly enough to do your part justice.

_____________________________________

Blast - Jun 9, 2004 3:38 am (#242 of 694)

Master I didn't mean to hit you with that stunning spell, but there was a wasp trying to make a nest in your hair, and he would have if you had any.

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Jun 9, 2004 1:21 pm (#243 of 694)
Edited by Jun 9, 2004 6:21 am

Inspired by Amy's:

My Lord, did you know that your part in the movie is going to be played by Rowan Atkinson?

_____________________________________

Blast - Jun 10, 2004 2:48 am (#244 of 694)

Master I don't think that inviting the giants to join us was a good idea, have you seen the bathroom lately?

_____________________________________

Hermionefan(#1) - Jun 12, 2004 3:14 am (#245 of 694)

Amy--hahahahaha!

*Gasps* "Look my Lord! Harry Potter, right behind you!" *Pause* "Made ya look!"

_____________________________________

Emily - Jun 13, 2004 12:24 am (#246 of 694)

My Lord- I've decided that what you need is a vacation and a tan. May I recommend a cruise?

_____________________________________

A-is-for-Amy - Jun 13, 2004 1:57 am (#247 of 694)

...on the Titanic?

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Jun 13, 2004 2:19 pm (#248 of 694)
Edited by Jun 13, 2004 7:19 am

Lol, Amy!

My Lord, I've given this a lot of thought, and I just don't think Severant to an Evil Overlord is the right job for me. I'm giving you my six weeks’ notice. I'm off to Lapland to live as a Muggle and be a dog sled driver.

_____________________________________

Hermionefan(#1) - Jun 15, 2004 3:03 pm (#249 of 694)

Does anybody really wonder what Voldemort would actually say (more likely do) if someone said this stuff to him?

_____________________________________

Liz Mann - Jun 15, 2004 3:35 pm (#250 of 694)

AVADA KEDAVRA!

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Blast - Jun 16, 2004 4:20 am (#251 of 694)
Edited by Jun 15, 2004 9:21 pm

Master we thought that you needed a little confidence boost, so we have brought in a motivational speaker, say hello to Urg the Unclean.

_____________________________________

The Great Abbycadabra - Jun 16, 2004 8:36 am (#252 of 694)
Edited by Jun 16, 2004 1:37 am

Voldie, look!! Abbyfetti!!! ',.;,.;,.; *sprinkles Abbyfetti all over Voldie*

_____________________________________

Ticker - Jun 16, 2004 10:12 pm (#253 of 694)

What do you mean, "He's not my son"?!?! Harrys the spitting image of you. Well,... before all that unicorn blood & what-not.

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Little Ginny - Jun 22, 2004 8:05 pm (#254 of 694)

So, he is your son. Understand? All you have to do now is remember your line. Shall we practise again?

Okay, take a deep breath, as if you couldn't really breathe, imagine you are a dementor and want to suck something out of the air... yeah, that's fine... and simply say: "Harry! I am your father!"

And don't forget the mask! It really suits you!

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Blast - Jun 23, 2004 9:52 pm (#255 of 694)

A scene at the Death Eaters picnic. All right who got the last hotdog? Voldemort does accio hotdog.

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freshwater - Jul 2, 2004 3:02 am (#256 of 694)

Abbyfetti all over LV Thanks for making me LOL, Abby! I have a vivid picture of you gleefully sprinkling, and LV frozen in place with a baffled expression on his face. **big grin**

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The Great Abbycadabra - Jul 14, 2004 8:44 pm (#257 of 694)

Heehee, anytime, Freshwater!

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Istari Jones - Jul 21, 2004 3:41 am (#258 of 694)

I see dead people.

Oh...it's just you

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A-is-for-Amy - Jul 21, 2004 4:11 am (#259 of 694)

Thank you, Istari, for making me spit coke all over my monitor!

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Liz Mann - Jul 21, 2004 1:19 pm (#260 of 694)

Lol, Istari!

Why is it that people still insist on reading these threads while drinking stuff? Surely the consequences are obvious by now.

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Istari Jones - Jul 22, 2004 2:16 am (#261 of 694)

You're welcome, Amy! Just doing my part to add excitement to your day!

Thanks, Liz!

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Susurro Notities - Jul 25, 2004 1:29 am (#262 of 694)

What do you get when you cross a ...You're kidding - you don't like Riddles?

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Istari Jones - Jul 25, 2004 3:30 am (#263 of 694)
Edited by Jul 24, 2004 8:31 pm

~~**Snort!**~~ HAAAA! Haaaa-ha-haaaa! (Wheeze!) ROTFL! Oh, Susurro, that's great!

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A-is-for-Amy - Jul 25, 2004 5:18 pm (#264 of 694)

Hee hee! Good one Su!!

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Istari Jones - Jul 28, 2004 3:03 am (#265 of 694)

Congratulations! You have been pre-approved for $15,000 line of credit with no interest on balance transfers until January 2005! To take advantage of this special offer...

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freshwater - Aug 8, 2004 12:23 am (#266 of 694)

Wow, Istari...if you gave LV a credit card you REALLY would be "up to no good"! **giggle**

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Ticker - Aug 8, 2004 2:51 am (#267 of 694)

(...later that month...)

Suuure that's your card... Lemme see some ID.

;o) Nice on Istari!

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Liz Mann - Aug 11, 2004 6:27 pm (#268 of 694)
Edited by Aug 11, 2004 11:27 am

I bought a book today called Harry Pottiness: a Totally Unofficial Book of Muggle Fun, and it has a page called 'Ten Ways to Annoy the Dark Lord'. What a coincidence!

1. Draw a lightning bolt scar on his forehead while he's asleep

2. Buy him tickets for “Potter: The Musical”

3. Ask him how his folks are

4. Call him 'Voldie'

5. Sell 'I luv HP' T-Shirts at Death Eater meetings

6. Book him on an Anger-Management course

7. Hum the tune to 'I ain't got no body' when you're with him

8. Hide his wand

9. Ask him if the Dark Mark couldn't be a made a bit, you know, more attractive

10. Tell him frequently to cheer up

Well, some of those are better than others.

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Urg the Unclean - Aug 13, 2004 2:34 am (#269 of 694)
Edited by Aug 12, 2004 7:35 pm

Sing to the Spiderman theme tune

Dumbledore, Dumbledore

He is greater than Voldemort

He is the wizard who knows much more

He has more class

And a gryffin on his door

(the lines could be improved but you get the idea)

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Leila 2X4B - Aug 13, 2004 4:01 am (#270 of 694)

I couldn't stop laughing forever after that Urg

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Chris. - Aug 14, 2004 11:18 pm (#271 of 694)

... Stop Voldie's broomstick, when he's on his way to fight HP, and ask for his license, but then make out Voldie's drunk and ask him to recite the alphabet backwards.

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Liz Mann - Aug 15, 2004 11:37 am (#272 of 694)

While standing on one foot.

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Elfcat - Aug 16, 2004 11:01 pm (#273 of 694)
Edited by Aug 16, 2004 4:04 pm

*snort* you guys are too funny...

Band of guys wearing ragged robes with antlers on their heads: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!...(this goes on for a while)

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Leila 2X4B - Aug 17, 2004 1:22 am (#274 of 694)

--Whack him on the head with a fluffy pillow, screaming "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition".

--Ask him to sign your autograph book "To Harry with Love, Lord Thingy"

--Tell him that the kitty plates in Umbridge's office incite more fear than he does.

--Ask him why his boggart is a bowl vanilla pudding.

--Ask him why his patronus is a cute little teddy bear.

--Tell him the only way for him to be less frightening is if he decided to forgo the cloak and wear Mickey ears and sailor suit.

Leila. Yes I am insane.

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Acceber - Aug 17, 2004 11:56 am (#275 of 694)
Edited by Aug 17, 2004 4:57 am

You're not insane, those cracked me up .

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A-is-for-Amy - Aug 17, 2004 3:18 pm (#276 of 694)

Heeeheee! The Spanish Inquisition! HEHEHEHEHEH!

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Elfcat - Aug 17, 2004 6:56 pm (#277 of 694)

HA! Spanish Inquisition! Other people on this forum have seen monty python after all!

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Elfcat - Aug 19, 2004 11:55 pm (#278 of 694)

(I guarantee this will be better than my last one)

This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend! Hey Voldie, did you know I can sing it in French? C'est la chanson qu'il ne finis pas, il fait du continue mon ami! Quel d'persons, comence de chance la, ne connais pas que il est! Et ils continue chance la pour tout le temp seulment par ce que c'est la chanson qu'il ne finis pas! Il fait du continue mon ami! Quel d'persons commence de chance la, ne connais pas que il est, et ils continue chance la pour tout le temp suelment par ce que, c'est la chanson q'il ne finis pas! Il fais du continue mon ami!...

(that was probably a really awful translation, but I never said I was fluent in French)

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Liz Mann - Aug 20, 2004 12:01 am (#279 of 694)

Oh my gosh, that's even more annoying than the English version and I didn't think that was possible.

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Leila 2X4B - Aug 20, 2004 12:09 am (#280 of 694)

Tell him to change his name to Lord MoldyMort and begin a scourgifying business.

Tell him in order to get to Harry he needs to bring a shrubbery, yea high, and then a second shrubbery...

Ask him to join you in a rousing round of "The Lumberjack Song"

Look him straight in the eye, waving a banana in his face, and tell him that it is a female aardvark.

Tell him that he is Smeee Heee, a complete and total one.

I realize that only a select few will have any idea what I am talking about. But trust me, I will have those few in the aisles with quips like that. Although, the might be trying to leave before I quip again.

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Little Ginny - Aug 20, 2004 6:20 pm (#281 of 694)

My Lord, the boys and I were having a drink or two after yesterday's meeting, you know, and we were discussing if we couldn't change our name, you know, "Death Eaters", it sounds so old-fashioned, really, and we wanted something that symbolizes our love for animals, so we decided we'd like to be named after an animal. Now we looked it up, and "The Order of the Phoenix" has already been bought by Warner Bros., but we could be "The Order of the Guinea-Pig", that would be okay, or if you prefer something more frightening, "The Order of the White Rabbit".

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Little Ginny - Aug 20, 2004 6:22 pm (#282 of 694)

And after having found a new name, we were arguing about the old question again, you know, who's greater, Dumbledore or you, and Lucius said it was you, but then, sorry to disappoint you, Severus pointed out that Dumbledore has a chocolate frog-card, and you don't, and in the end, we decided Dumbledore was greater, no offense, sir.

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Ticker - Aug 23, 2004 3:27 am (#283 of 694)

<--- amazed Little Ginny survived to get out her second post very funny

Joins in, "I'm a lumberjack & I'm OK..." Well, SB, I got some of those...

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Liz Mann - Aug 23, 2004 2:28 pm (#284 of 694)

Little Ginny, that was funny!

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Elfcat - Aug 23, 2004 10:27 pm (#285 of 694)

After he brings the shrubberies (if he does) tell him to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring.

(this will only truly make sense to those who got the thing with the shrubberies)

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Leila 2X4B - Aug 24, 2004 12:23 am (#286 of 694)

lol, Elfcat. That was great. And now for something completely different.

Tell him that he wouldn't voom if you put 10,000 volts through him.

Tell him that Fawkes is lovely bird(even if he does ruin his plans).... beautiful plumage.

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Maddest Dragon - Aug 24, 2004 5:30 am (#287 of 694)

Great wizard? Ruler of the world? I'll believe THAT when they put you on a chocolate frog card!

Your obsession with that Potter kid is, shall we say, a little unhealthy. Why don't you get a hobby? You know, learn to knit? No? How about papier-mache?

(from a Death Eater) "No complaints about the tattoo, Master, I'm proud to wear it and all, but the blood bank says I have hepatitis C, and, well, I didn't have it before, and the health department just might want to inspect your instruments...."

(singsong voice)

Voldiemort, Voldiemort, couldn't kill a baaaby!

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Leila 2X4B - Aug 24, 2004 9:43 pm (#288 of 694)

Bewitch the DE's to sing whenever Voldikins get near

...."Oh Voldie you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Voldie( clap clap) hey Voldie".

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PyroGrl - Aug 24, 2004 10:23 pm (#289 of 694)

All we gotta do is get a cheerleader dance to go with it.

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Elfcat - Aug 25, 2004 3:16 am (#290 of 694)

Bewitch a giant pair of wings to stick to his back, with a halo to float over his head.

When he points out his old house to Harry in the graveyard, whisper "it's only a model".

shout-"Hey flat-nose! Run into a wall?"

Tell him to just throw the Holy Hand-grenade at Harry and be done with it.

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Leila 2X4B - Aug 25, 2004 3:29 am (#291 of 694)

at the count of three. not one, that would be too soon, and not four that would be too late, but three.

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Elfcat - Aug 25, 2004 3:37 am (#292 of 694)
Edited by Aug 24, 2004 8:39 pm

LOL! One, two, FIVE! (three, my lord!) Three! *BOOM!!!*

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Julia. - Aug 25, 2004 4:17 am (#293 of 694)

*giggles* Countest thou not two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.

'Wewease Wavwe!' *DE's fall over laughing and say...* 'Wes! Wewease Wavwe!'

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Blast - Sep 1, 2004 11:07 pm (#294 of 694)

C'mon Master things can't be that bad, let's turn that frown upside down.

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PyroGrl - Sep 1, 2004 11:39 pm (#295 of 694)

There is a rumour that you flushed several first year students' heads down toilets in Hogwarts in your fourth year. But by careful research I learned that fourth years flushed your head down the toilets several times. I suppose all your hair went down the drain when it flushed, and your nose rubbed off on the walls of the toilet, and the cleaning solution turned your eyes red.

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Liz Mann - Sep 2, 2004 1:17 pm (#296 of 694)
Edited by Sep 2, 2004 6:17 am

LOL! Pyro, that was so funny!

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Pinky - Sep 3, 2004 3:10 am (#297 of 694)

Er, Master...? We can't afford to pay the Death Eaters this week. The bank account was emptied. Something about Lucius just having to buy some things he found at a yard sale over at St. Mungo's....

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Ticker - Sep 3, 2004 3:37 am (#298 of 694)
Edited by Sep 2, 2004 8:40 pm

...but look what he got for you:

one deflated giant rubber duck, one boot with pink laces and rhinestones that spell out the word 'fab', a weird sister's t-shirt, a jar of purple leaches and a puffskein with a very horrible dandruff problem

- just 10,000 Galleons a piece. Quite a bargain I was told...

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Little Ginny - Sep 3, 2004 11:51 am (#299 of 694)

... and if you don't know what exactly is the sense of a Rubber Duck, ask Harry Potter, he'll know, he's grown up with Muggles.

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Little Ginny - Sep 3, 2004 11:52 am (#300 of 694)
Edited by Sep 3, 2004 4:53 am

I mean, you do know Harry Potter, don't you? You know, the one with the scar, who has defeated that stupid Dark Wizard for so many times?

*ducking an Avada Kedavra* I knew you had heard about him...[/color]

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Pinky - Sep 4, 2004 2:36 am (#301 of 694)

You got a real live snort from me on that one, Little Ginny!

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Blast - Sep 5, 2004 12:25 pm (#302 of 694)

Never wear a tshirt saying I only joined the Death Eaters for this T Shirt.

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Liz Mann - Sep 5, 2004 2:03 pm (#303 of 694)

Or for the cool tattoo.

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 6, 2004 4:20 am (#304 of 694)

New Death Eaters' uniform: t-shirts that say, "My Master Came Back, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."

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Leila 2X4B - Sep 6, 2004 2:44 pm (#305 of 694)

Maddest Dragon. That was funny...

Leila

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 7, 2004 4:24 am (#306 of 694)

Glad you like it. How about this one: Bewitch the DEs' Dark Marks so that, when they light up, they all read, "I'm With Stupid"

...over a humongous red arrow pointing to wherever Voldemort happens to be.

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Phoenix song - Sep 7, 2004 9:29 pm (#307 of 694)

I love the T-shirt ideas! Maybe this idea could be combined with the "Voldie and the Death Eaters" as a band idea and they could have "concert tour" T-shirts. "Voldie and the Death Eaters' 2004 Tour for Universal Control and Destruction". He could market himself as the "Imperial Lord" and sing songs like "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" and "Don't Ask Me No Questions, and I Won't Tell You No Lies."

Um, better not bring up the idea to him, though. He's still stuck on his "Gotta get the Potter boy" quest.

Barbie

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Elfcat - Sep 7, 2004 10:04 pm (#308 of 694)

Do I detect St. Mungo's escapees? (well, so am I...)

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 8, 2004 6:50 pm (#309 of 694)
Edited by Sep 8, 2004 11:52 am

Voldie and the Death Eaters? They might have some competition from Marilyn Manson. And, depending on their lyrics, certain religious groups would have even more reason to paint their world as satanic.

Hmmm.... wonder what would happen if you gave Voldie a religious tract? Of the sort that reveals the absolutely true fact that Harry Potter seduces kids into satanism? And top it off by insisting that he ought to go to church, dressed appropriately, because Halloween costumes are satanic.

Edit: No offense to anyone's religion; I figure no one who really believes Harry Potter is satanic is likely to be here.

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Catherine - Sep 8, 2004 8:03 pm (#310 of 694)

Here, my Lord, my gift to you. The very best toupee that galleons can buy!

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 8, 2004 11:20 pm (#311 of 694)

...said while offering him a multi-colored, frizzy clown wig.

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Phoenix song - Sep 9, 2004 4:13 am (#312 of 694)

After Harry took the portkey back to Hogwart's from the graveyard scene in GoF: "Um, boss, which way did he go?"

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Leila 2X4B - Sep 9, 2004 4:21 am (#313 of 694)

He went thata way *pointing over a cliff.*

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Cezar Salem - Sep 9, 2004 10:06 pm (#314 of 694)
Edited by Sep 9, 2004 3:13 pm

I think Saurons much more scary...

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Cezar Salem - Sep 9, 2004 10:07 pm (#315 of 694)

you're wrong

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Cezar Salem - Sep 9, 2004 10:09 pm (#316 of 694)

things never to give him :(mouth full of chocolate) hey lord!look what I got this time! hands him over a DD chocolate card

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Cezar Salem - Sep 9, 2004 10:15 pm (#317 of 694)

a death eaters son: hey uncle voldie, could you tell us that story about how harry beat the most powerful wizard when only a baby?

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Pinky - Sep 10, 2004 12:24 am (#318 of 694)

Cezar, if you think of more items to add to a post, please use the "Edit" button while you are still within the 30 minute time limit. You do not need to make a new post for each item. Also, please remember to capitalize the beginnings of your sentences. Thanks!

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 10, 2004 6:03 am (#319 of 694)

Suggest that he could really, really use a good nose job. And hand him a red rubber honking clown nose. Point out that it really brings out the color of his eyes.

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Little Ginny - Sep 10, 2004 10:26 am (#320 of 694)
Edited by Sep 10, 2004 3:27 am

Put your wand away. Open your book at page 149, chapter nineteen, "Aggressive little baby boys and how to defend yourself against them without being turned into an evil powerless spirit". There will be no need to talk.

(I've been re-reading OoP yesterday)

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 11, 2004 3:56 am (#321 of 694)

Tell him that, if he were well trained in the theories, that would be really all he needed against Harry or Dumbledore. And, if a baby could beat him, well, he must need some Remedial Theory of Dark Arts.

And the best teacher for that is Harry Potter.

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Blast - Sep 11, 2004 8:18 am (#322 of 694)

Master we're going to have a carnival to raise some galleons, would it be O.K. if we put you down to run the fortune telling booth, people like hearing about prophesies.

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A-is-for-Amy - Sep 11, 2004 2:58 pm (#323 of 694)

Hee Hee! Prophecies! You all are really coming up with some good ones!

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DJ Evans - Sep 13, 2004 1:51 am (#324 of 694)
Edited by Sep 12, 2004 6:52 pm

Boy!!! You put a new twist on the term Snake Eyes", don't you?"

Hey Boss!!! I know we kinda screwed up on getting your little prophecy ball thingy, sorry about that!!! I felt terrible just terrible, no really, felt like we really let you down! So I went out and got you one of those fortune telling 8 Ball" thingys, will that do?"

I've got something I've been wondering about concerning your looks. And please don't take this the wrong way, but do you" think you look good? I mean when you look in a mirror, do you actually say to yourself "Dang, I look GOOOOD!!"?"

A DE comes in carrying several packages from Knockturn Alley. "Got you something your lordship. It just came out today and I thought of you when I saw it. It's a book titled "Dark Magic for Dummies" , thought you might find something in there to help you get this Potter kid!!!"

Being a brand new DE, Bob is sent in by one of the elder DE's to remind LV that Father's Day is just around the corner and he needs to get his shopping done early!!! (Needless to say Bob didn't last very long after that!!)

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Leila 2X4B - Sep 13, 2004 1:57 am (#325 of 694)

rofl, that was too funny. Bob? That was great

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DJ Evans - Sep 13, 2004 2:31 am (#326 of 694)

Too late to edit, I did not mean any offense to anyone named "Bob". I just picked the first common name and it was Bob.

Thank you for the compliment Sleeping Beauty. I tried to please!!

Later, Deb

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Catherine - Sep 16, 2004 11:34 pm (#327 of 694)

Microdermabrasion works wonders for that scaly skin, M'Lord.

Or perhaps a nice chemical peel? It's the same one that Jennifer Aniston had.

Well, at LEAST use an alpha-hydroxy lotion. Sheesh. You'd think you got a T" in Potions, or something."

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 18, 2004 8:49 pm (#328 of 694)

Blast--for the carnival, I think Voldie should be the main attraction in the haunted house. Who wants to go tell him?

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Blast - Sep 21, 2004 2:24 pm (#329 of 694)

Yes I did feel the Dark Mark, but it's not every day you get to go to Disneyworld.

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Elfcat - Sep 24, 2004 1:26 am (#330 of 694)

...and I was getting Pooh Bear's autograph! I couldn't leave, he's my hero!

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Pigwidgeon - Sep 24, 2004 3:14 am (#331 of 694)

... and we learned the coolest song, your lordship! *sings* "It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all...."

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PyroGrl - Sep 24, 2004 3:28 am (#332 of 694)

I swear I came off that ride with my eyes rolled up and chanting "Small World! Small World!" Thanks for the memories, April. .

And I went on the Indiana Jones ride! They have a snake even bigger than Nagini! Honestly, Lordship, you should check what they're feeding it.

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Ticker - Sep 24, 2004 4:01 am (#333 of 694)

Maybe some cotton candy & mouse ears with his name on it will cheer him up, eh guys? Uh, I'll buy. You deliver.

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Blast - Sep 25, 2004 1:06 am (#334 of 694)

Master,  Halloween isn't really too far off, and we were wondering if we could borrow your 'look' to dress up.

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Emily - Sep 25, 2004 1:13 am (#335 of 694)

For school, you know, I'm getting me Equivalency diploma, I just thought, well, this job can't last forever, right? Well, anyway, for school, I had to do a report on my hero, and I chose Harry Potter!

(Or you could say 'you' instead of Harry Potter, I don't think he'd find it exactly flattering.)

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Liz Mann - Sep 28, 2004 3:10 pm (#336 of 694)
Edited by Sep 28, 2004 8:10 am

*snort!* Guys, I'm on the library computer and I'm having to try hard not to laugh!

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Blast - Sep 29, 2004 3:48 am (#337 of 694)

Master, I know this is asking a lot of you, but could you re-enact the scene at Godric's Hallow? A few new members of our group have a little problem with this Harry Potter thing you have.

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Leila 2X4B - Sep 29, 2004 5:03 am (#338 of 694)

Hey master, my child went to a muggle house hold the other day and heard a really catchy tune. Perhaps we can use it? It is from this neat show called Pokemon. *sings*

He wants to be the very best, that no one ever was,

to catch Harry is his real test, to kill him is his cause,

he will travel across the land, searching far and wide, only to be

amazed by the power that's inside... Harry-mon!! Got to catch

him...Harry-mon It's You and me, He knows it's his destiny... Harry-mon.

Oh you are my dark lord in world we must rule. Harry-mon got to catch

him. A Lord so cute. Our blundering will irk you. You crucio me and I

crucio you. Got to catch him...HARRY-MON.

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Ticker - Sep 29, 2004 1:42 pm (#339 of 694)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Oh man! That song is so funny!

Yes, my Lord. You know my poodle Fi-Fi & I are always at your service. Well, except Thursdays we both get our hair done. Oh, and Monday is BINGO night. Late nights aren't good for us either.

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Little Ginny - Sep 29, 2004 7:03 pm (#340 of 694)

My Lord, I met a group of really nice people on the internet who are really interested in you and when they heard I knew you they asked me to ask you the following questions:

1. Have you ever been and/or met a Half-blood Prince ?

2. Are you identical with Tom Riddle or do you have two personalities?

3. Have you seen James Potter die or was it someone else taking James' place so that James could live on under another name?

4. Are you absolutely sure you killed Lily Potter?

5. When you were at Godric's Hollow the night the Potters died (assuming they did) did you take Snape with you or not?

6. What can you tell us about the Dark wizard Grindelwald?

My friends asked me to ask you to answer these questions and post your answer in the "Tell about yourself"-thread on the Harry Potter Lexicon Forum. I hope you have the time.

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wolfgrl - Sep 29, 2004 8:06 pm (#341 of 694)
Edited by Sep 29, 2004 1:07 pm

*********Late Slip***********************

Book Title: Old Magic and its Mysteries

Students Name: Tom Riddle

Date Checked out: October 31, 1943

Due Date: December 31, 1943

*****************************************

In my best Madam Pince voice:

“Mr. Riddle, are you aware that the book you checked out is over 50 years old? As 50 years is the limit on check outs you will either have to replace the library book or return it and pay the fine. Lets see, 50 years at one Knut per day that would be um…37 galleons, and 9 knuts. What do you mean you haven’t read it yet?”

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Liz Mann - Sep 30, 2004 12:19 pm (#342 of 694)

That Harry-mon song was funny! But it's put the Pokemon song in my head now.

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Elfcat - Oct 11, 2004 10:39 pm (#343 of 694)

I am fortunate enough not to remember the tune to the Poke-mon theme, but it was still hilarious.

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Denise S. - Nov 18, 2004 11:55 am (#344 of 694)

Whoa, dude, you need to find a new plastic surgeon, 'cause Michael Jackson's isn't cutting it for you anymore.

What about a Death Eater choir? There's more ways to torture people than just saying Crucio, you know.

Hey, Dark Lord, sir, do you mind if I practice a spell on you? I'm not used to this Crucio thing yet...

Ever thought about sending an IM instead of using these Dark Marks? I'm on the computer all the time reading about Giant Squids, and I don't notice my mark til ten, fifteen minutes afterwards.

This Harry Potter business must have you stressed out. What's say we spend an afternoon at Chuck E. Cheese's?

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Liz Mann - Nov 18, 2004 7:23 pm (#345 of 694)

Hey, Dark Lord, sir, do you mind if I practice a spell on you? I'm not used to this Crucio thing yet...

Burst Laughing

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Ticker - Nov 19, 2004 5:39 pm (#346 of 694)
Edited by Nov 19, 2004 9:39 am

Indeed - I hear Chuck E. Cheese's is a very relaxing place. (Snort, too funny Denise!) Or maybe that's just after the Crucio curse.

I'm sorry sir, but they didn't have Aspirin, but look! I got you a lifetime supply of Vioxx.

(Er, wait - maybe someone should give him that...)

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Maddest Dragon - Nov 22, 2004 2:03 am (#347 of 694)

Speaking of pills, maybe all the Dark Lord needs is a prescription for prozac....

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Elfcat - Nov 30, 2004 11:33 pm (#348 of 694)

Or Rogain.

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 1, 2004 5:34 am (#349 of 694)

Set him up with a free e-mail account, and watch his reaction when his in-box fills up with spam... especially all the offers for a certain pill that must not be named....

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PyroGrl - Dec 2, 2004 12:31 am (#350 of 694)

As he's pacing around the room and making his 'How to Kill a Harry' speech, conjure a sharp object for him to stub his toe on. Turn on opera music to block out the swearing.

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 2, 2004 12:50 am (#351 of 694)

Swearing? I think the word you want is cursing.

And, instead of opera, how about a laugh track?

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Denise S. - Dec 12, 2004 4:49 am (#352 of 694)

For whatever reason, this gives me the image of Voldemort being a judge on American Idol...

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A-is-for-Amy - Dec 12, 2004 4:41 pm (#353 of 694)
Edited by Dec 12, 2004 8:41 am

He would be very good at thinning out the numbers of contestants, wouldn't he? And he might even be a bit more merciful than Simon!

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 14, 2004 1:03 am (#354 of 694)

A judge? With his mesmerizing personality, he might win!

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Tessa's Dad - Dec 18, 2004 8:53 pm (#355 of 694)

Boss, I think your problem could be cured if we just hooked you up with a date. Here’s a picture of my sister. Pure blood for several generations, wonderful personality, and she makes a great meat loaf!

Or how about some fiber? Maybe you just need more fiber in your diet.

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A-is-for-Amy - Dec 19, 2004 3:11 pm (#356 of 694)

My Lord! I can solve your snoring problem! The Muggles have invented this little adhesive strip that you simply apply to the bridge of your nose....oh. Never mind.

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PyroGrl - Dec 19, 2004 8:04 pm (#357 of 694)

I suddenly had a mental image of Voldemort using those Oxy blackhead strips that you stick on your nose and RIIIIIP off.

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Maddest Dragon - Jan 7, 2005 9:04 pm (#358 of 694)

Of course, acne should be the least of his problems....

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Hexenhammer - Apr 13, 2005 6:38 am (#359 of 694)

(shoulder shrug) "Amateur."

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Little Ginny - Apr 13, 2005 9:10 pm (#360 of 694)

Amateur- LOL!!!

I love that! (reminds me of Monty Python, somehow)

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Liz Mann - Apr 13, 2005 11:53 pm (#361 of 694)

Do you know, I think you might be suffering from Vitiligo.

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 14, 2005 12:46 pm (#362 of 694)

Hem, hem. If I might just make the teensiest of interruptions--

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 14, 2005 8:24 pm (#363 of 694)

Y-y-you are the Dark Lord? Then you--the most fearsome and powerful wizard who has ever lived--are the only one who can save us from this horrible dilemma that has plagued us for all these long years!... So, do you pronounce the 'T'?

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Liz Mann - Apr 14, 2005 10:13 pm (#364 of 694)

Lol!

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 15, 2005 8:54 pm (#365 of 694)

I read the entire 361 post thread the other night when taking a break from doing my taxes (tax day in the U.S. is April 15th, and I left it to the last minute as usual). You guys are a riot! Now my brains stuck in a "How can I annoy Voldemort" mode, though. Hopefully it'll wear off in a day or two...

Hang on there a moment, My Lord. You look like you're about to go into Big Evil Guy Soliloquy Mode, so I'm just going to take the opportunity to pop out for some coffee. Anybody want me to bring them back a latte?

Hey, you'll never guess! While I was out, I ran into this old guy who says he used to be your Transfiguration teacher! Small world, huh? Anyway, I invited him over, and he'll be popping in for tea any second now.

What am I doing? Well, I've been doing some negotiating with these two guys, Tapert and Raime, and they think that they might be able to use you in their next movie. You just need to send them a screen test. So, I'll just roll the camera here, and you go ahead and show them your emotional range. Okay--'Incredulity'?--that's good, that's good! And... 'Annoyance', not bad. 'Fury', now your cooking! Wow, 'Murderous', sweet! Keep 'em coming, Voldy baby!

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Liz Mann - Apr 15, 2005 10:53 pm (#366 of 694)

Thanks for the life, Mrs Brisbee. I needed it.

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Liz Mann - Apr 20, 2005 7:04 pm (#367 of 694)
Edited by Apr 20, 2005 12:04 pm

Hey, Voldie, man, you're looking pretty pale, are you sure you have enough iron in your diet?

P.S. I think in my previous post, I meant 'laugh' not 'life'.

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 20, 2005 10:12 pm (#368 of 694)
Edited by Apr 20, 2005 3:13 pm

Heehee, an anemic Voldy. And I figured "life" was supposed to be "lift"

---------------

How come you're the ugly one, but we have to wear the masks?

Hey, this is weird! Did you know that an anagram of I am Lord Voldemort' is the name "Tom Marvolo Riddle", who used to be some suck-up half-blood prefect at Hogwarts?"

Nope, never heard of you.

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Ticker - Apr 21, 2005 4:30 pm (#369 of 694)

(snort!) Those are great Mrs. Brisbee! I hope the IRS crucio has not left you too addled.

I wrote this & had to chase Aria for a bit before posting it & now I'm pretty sure it isn't funny, but appropriate none the less.

My Lord, you said when we joined that this group would become our new family, so all I'm saying is that it's your turn to watch the kids.

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Liz Mann - Apr 21, 2005 8:39 pm (#370 of 694)

Lol! Those were funny! I especially liked your first one Mrs. Brisbee! That one would definitely get an AK!

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 21, 2005 9:15 pm (#371 of 694)

Thanks, all. And that was funny, Ticker (I'm a mother, too. If Voldy thinks taking over the world is hard, he should try watching preschoolers for a while).

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Hexenhammer - Apr 22, 2005 1:19 am (#372 of 694)

No Mr. Potter. I expect you to die!

Great.... now he's unoriginal as well.

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Hexenhammer - Apr 22, 2005 1:19 am (#373 of 694)

Avon calling.

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PyroGrl - Apr 30, 2005 6:22 am (#374 of 694)

Avon calling!! I love it! I really shouldn't have read these because I have a cold and it hurts to laugh, but these are worth it.

(Avon calling!!!)

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Liz Mann - Apr 30, 2005 9:45 am (#375 of 694)

You have a cold?? I have a cold! Everybody seems to be ill at the moment! I'm ill, you're ill, my dog's ill, the guy at University who handles the booking out of classrooms is ill...

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 30, 2005 1:23 pm (#376 of 694)

Voldy, you look ill! Actually, I'm starting to feel ill just looking at you...

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Mrs Brisbee - May 2, 2005 1:26 pm (#377 of 694)

Hmm. Your tall stature...Your skeletal frame...You know what? I think you have what it takes to become the Next Top Model!

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Istari Jones - May 2, 2005 6:40 pm (#378 of 694)

Potter has escaped me for the last time! He will die, and I have a particularly gruesome end for Dumbledore, also. Yes, they both shall die - slowly, and mercilessly. Bit by bit, inch by inch, piece by...

Uhh...excuse me sir, but you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

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Mrs Brisbee - May 2, 2005 7:12 pm (#379 of 694)

Hey, I heard that they're holding auditions here for something called 'Death Theater.' You must be part of the acting troupe, that's some make-up job. Are you doing a Halloween play?

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Mrs Brisbee - May 3, 2005 6:58 pm (#380 of 694)
Edited by May 3, 2005 11:58 am

DE: "My Lord, me and the other Death Eaters have chipped in to get you this present. Here you go --it's a Take Over The World Planner! Go ahead, open it up to any page..."

Planner: "Kill Harry Potter and raze the Ministry, then you may have your biscuits and tea."

DE: "And the great thing is, every single page has a similar saying!"

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Hermionefan(#1) - May 30, 2005 12:59 am (#381 of 694)

Lol! Those are all funny.

Hey, Voldy, can I give you an all extreme make over? Okay, turn around... hm, those eyes will be hard to work with, but I think maybe a bright blue sweater would work, and maybe a mask, since make-up won't do much, I think some nice, formal slacks would be good, too--

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Mrs Brisbee - May 31, 2005 11:08 pm (#382 of 694)
Edited by May 31, 2005 4:09 pm

Lol, A bright blue sweater, huh? That will really bring out his eyes!

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Ticker - Jun 7, 2005 2:45 am (#383 of 694)

Mine are watering just thinking about it. (LOL)

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 2, 2005 4:26 pm (#384 of 694)

You're asking me what this is, my lord? Um, this thing here? Well, it's just a web cam. I wanted to add some images to go along with my Death Eater Blog. Just pretend like it's not there, and keep on doing what you would normally...

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Hermionefan(#1) - Jul 3, 2005 4:35 am (#385 of 694)
Edited by Jul 2, 2005 9:35 pm

You know, Voldie, I've been doing some serious research and thinking and stuff, and I've come to a conclusion. You're an albino!

Voldie says something along the lines of "what?"*

Really! The red eyes, the white skin, you are obviously albino.

Voldie says something along the lines of "Avada Kedavra"*

*ducks* Now, now, it's nothing to be ashamed of! *walks rather quickly off**sneaks up behind Voldie* ALBINO!!

Note: this means no offense to any albino people. If you're reading this then you're a Harry Potter fan, therefore I don't particularly care what you look like. So I'm not trying to offend albinos.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 3, 2005 2:38 pm (#386 of 694)

**chuckles** Coming back after Voldy has tried and missed with an Avada Kadavra is something you should definitely never do!

Hmm, he does sort of have that lab mouse coloring, doesn't he? Maybe we could offer him some cheese...

Here's some cheese Voldy --you know you want it, it's Gouda! All you need to do is just run through this maze to get it!

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 12, 2005 8:08 pm (#387 of 694)
Edited by Jul 12, 2005 1:09 pm

Look here, Lord Voldemort, I've got a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and you don't! **holds out the book** "Want it?" **snatches it back** "Can't have it!"

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Ticker - Jul 12, 2005 8:23 pm (#388 of 694)
Edited by Jul 12, 2005 1:25 pm

Mrs Brisbee, Voldie isn't going to be your problem. See, it’s that huge mob behind you. I think they heard you. (Points at Lexicon fans running, jumping, ripping up bushes, knocking over old ladies, tipping over cars, moving at top speed to reach Mrs. Brisbee...) Speaking of which... you better just hand that book over to me. You don't want to get hurt. I'm only thinking of you...

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 12, 2005 10:41 pm (#389 of 694)
Edited by Jul 12, 2005 3:42 pm

Uh oh.

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Liz Mann - Jul 13, 2005 9:51 am (#390 of 694)

Actually, Mrs Brisbee, stand behind Voldemort and maybe the mob will trample him for us.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 13, 2005 1:35 pm (#391 of 694)
Edited by Jul 13, 2005 6:55 am

Good idea, Liz! But when the crowd finally discovers that the "book" is really just a box of frozen green peas that I've been waving around really fast so its blurry, they might not be too happy. Running might be the best option.

(This wasn't one of my best thought out “annoy Voldemort” plans )

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Liz Mann - Jul 13, 2005 4:01 pm (#392 of 694)

I don't think anyone's ideas are, really. They're all going to get the person killed.

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Ticker - Jul 13, 2005 7:18 pm (#393 of 694)

Green peas! Oh. Well in that case, you might as well have them, my Lord. You're looking a bit peaked,... and I mean that in the best possible sense, of course.

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Istari Jones - Jul 31, 2005 3:14 am (#394 of 694)

Yes, Voldie...give peas a chance...

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Ticker - Aug 2, 2005 9:24 pm (#395 of 694)
Edited by Aug 2, 2005 2:25 pm

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Green peas - snort! Why didn't I see it? Swirled peas... ha-ha... ho-ho... <--peas man. Hee-hee... Wow, I needed a laugh. Thanks!

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Mrs Brisbee - Aug 4, 2005 1:57 pm (#396 of 694)

Lol! Good one, Istari!

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Maddest Dragon - Aug 10, 2005 7:03 am (#397 of 694)

(nice, slow Southern accent here) Me and Voldie are like peas and carrots.

My mama always said life is like a box of chocolate frogs. You never know what card you're going to get.

Run, Voldie, run! (uplifting music)

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Hermionefan(#1) - Aug 11, 2005 6:10 pm (#398 of 694)

*Patting Voldie comfortingly on the back* I know, I know my lord, Harry Potter is a bully...I know, I know...here, this will make you feel better, have a handkerchief... and an edible Dark Mark...

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Maddest Dragon - Aug 22, 2005 6:25 am (#399 of 694)

Hand out Dark Marks to everyone, in the form of a temporary tattoo.

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Ticker - Aug 24, 2005 7:34 pm (#400 of 694)
Edited by Aug 24, 2005 12:35 pm

I'll take an edible Dark Mark please... () Temporary tattoo... (snort)...

Nyah, nyah LV! I got post 400! (Like he cares... Like anyone else does either... )

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Mrs Brisbee - Aug 30, 2005 2:06 pm (#401 of 694)

Hey, I got this locket real cheap from this guy, Mundungus Fletcher, but I can't get it open. I'm going to try this hammer and chisel on it-- BAM BAM BAM BAM "--Dang it all! The stupid locket broke!"

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Maddest Dragon - Aug 30, 2005 4:49 pm (#402 of 694)

Bald head... wearing robes... c'mon, you must be a Hare Krishna!

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Liz Mann - Aug 30, 2005 5:08 pm (#403 of 694)

A locket? Ooooooh, shiiiiiny!

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Maddest Dragon - Aug 31, 2005 7:17 pm (#404 of 694)

Your horcruxes are perfectly safe, My Lord. I left my pet magpie to guard them.

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 1, 2005 10:43 pm (#405 of 694)

I know I was supposed to watch your stuff, My Lord, but you can't blame me if it's gone missing! It's not my stupid magpie.

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 2, 2005 5:29 am (#406 of 694)

...but have you seen my pack rat? He was here a minute ago!

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 2, 2005 6:09 pm (#407 of 694)

Pack rat?!? I thought that was Pettigrew! Well, no worries. The only thing it dragged off was that old Hufflepuff cup we've been using for our spitting contests these past sixteen years....

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PyroGrl - Sep 5, 2005 12:47 am (#408 of 694)

Now THAT would get an Avada Kedavra!!

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 6, 2005 1:56 pm (#409 of 694)
Edited by Sep 6, 2005 6:57 am

My Lord, I've just **sniff** returned to report on his funeral, like you **sniff** ordered. **sniff** S-sorry to be so choked up, but they buried him at Hogwarts, like it was his home, and it was just **sniff** so b-b-b-BEAUTIFUL! **sobs**

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Little Ginny - Sep 7, 2005 8:53 pm (#410 of 694)
Edited by Sep 7, 2005 1:53 pm

D-d-do you really think he has ** sob** gone for- for- ** sniff** ever? P-p-personnally, I h-h-** hiccough** hope he'll come b-b-b-back!!

In Addition to that: "My Lord, Dumbledore's not dead! He's just pining for the fjords!" (lovely plumage, incidentally)

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Ticker - Sep 10, 2005 4:59 am (#411 of 694)

Hey look! It says here the Defense Against the Dark Arts position is open again at Hogwarts. Maybe you should apply for it, my Lord. I mean, you probably know more Dark Arts than anyone I know, plus you're soooo good with kids.

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Liz Mann - Sep 10, 2005 2:47 pm (#412 of 694)

And didn't you apply for it once before, but got turned down? Maybe this time you'll get lucky!

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 10, 2005 8:21 pm (#413 of 694)

Aha! Now we know the real reason why Voldie wanted DD out of the way....

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 21, 2005 12:32 pm (#414 of 694)
Edited by Sep 21, 2005 6:18 am

LOL, now I'm picturing Voldemort at his job interview.

Voldemort: "Did you get the resume I sent you, Headmistress?"

McGonagall: (disdainfully) "What, this thing?"

(Argh, I'm ashamed to admit how long it took me to get Little Ginny's "He's just pining for the fjords"! Monty Python classic.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

DE: "My Lord, Snape says we're all working for him now, and you can clear out your desk. I'm not sure he'll be a better boss than you, but what the hey, he's offered to pay us double what you did. See you around!"

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Liz Mann - Sep 27, 2005 12:53 pm (#415 of 694)

I just dug out a book I bought about Harry Potter, and one of the things in it is "Ten Ways to Annoy Lord Voldemort". They're really bad, but here goes:

1) Draw a lightning bolt scar on his forehead while he's asleep.

2) But him tickets for Potter: The Musical.

3) Ask him how his folks are.

4) Call him Voldie.

5) Sell 'I heart HP' T-Shirts at Death Eater meetings.

6) Book him on an Anger Management course.

7) Hum the tune to 'I ain't got no body' whenever you're with him.

8 )Hide his wand.

9) Ask him if the Dark Mark couldn't be made a bit, you know, more attractive.

10) Tell him frequently to 'cheer up'.

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Maddest Dragon - Sep 27, 2005 4:46 pm (#416 of 694)

Suggest that he go as Harry Potter for Halloween.

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 30, 2005 1:01 pm (#417 of 694)

Get frequent attacks of the I Thought You Saids: "Go attack Hogwarts!" "I'm sorry, My Lord?" "I said, go attack Hogwarts!" "Oh....I thought you said, 'Go change your gym shorts'! Silly me!"

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Liz Mann - Oct 1, 2005 8:08 pm (#418 of 694)

LOL!!

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Ticker - Oct 2, 2005 9:33 pm (#419 of 694)

You said, "I must have Harry Potter dead"? Oh dear. I thought you wanted mustard upon your bed. If you'll excuse me just for a bit...

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 5, 2005 1:05 am (#420 of 694)
Edited by Oct 4, 2005 6:05 pm

If that Scourgify doesn't work, Ticker, you could always offer Voldy some pastrami and deli cheese....

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 5, 2005 12:55 pm (#421 of 694)
Edited by Oct 5, 2005 5:58 am

Whenever Voldemort speaks, rhyme like Fezzik: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "Would you like a piece of bread?" "Do not interrupt me!" "Did I speak too abruptly?" "You have crossed the line!" "Just relax and count to nine!" "Avada--!" "Nevada!"

Try Dr. Suess: "I must have Harry Potter dead!" "Could you kill him on the train? Would you kill him in the rain? Would you, could you with a wand? Could you, would you with a Death Eater big and blond?"

Be that up-and-coming Death Eater who takes initiative: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "Already done, Sir." "What?!?" "Yes, Sir. I personally took care of it. AKed him this morning myself. Now, moving on to the next item on the agenda...."

Provide Voldy with a Film Noir voice over: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "I knew he was packing thirteen inches of cold yew and phoenix feather, and over six feet of murderous rage. I'd seen his type before, and knew this violent obsession could lead to only one thing. Trouble."

Stand next to him, cast Sonorus, and repeat everything he says at a yell just in case there a few Death Eaters within fifty miles who might have missed what he said: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "I MUST HAVE HARRY POTTER DEAD!!!"

Stand next to him, cast Sonorus, and have frequent attacks of the I Thought You Saids: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "I WANT MUSTARD UPON MY BED!!!" (TM Ticker)

Apparate to Voldemort, and say: "I brought the pastrami and cheese!"

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Ticker - Oct 5, 2005 9:45 pm (#422 of 694)

Oh, my,my,my.. I had to read those at least 5 times just now - hahahahahahaha!

(Pulling up beside LV at the cemetary in expensive car...) Pardon me, but have you any Grey Poupon?

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Liz Mann - Oct 5, 2005 10:30 pm (#423 of 694)

Oh my giddy aunt, Mrs Brisbee, those were hilarious!

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wolfgrl - Oct 6, 2005 3:34 pm (#424 of 694)
Edited by Oct 6, 2005 8:36 am

Mrs Brisbree said "Provide Voldy with a Film Noir voice over: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "I knew he was packing thirteen inches of cold yew and phoenix feather, and over six feet of murderous rage. I'd seen his type before, and knew this violent obsession could lead to only one thing. Trouble." "

I love this one

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 6, 2005 6:28 pm (#425 of 694)

Thanks, all! Everyone on this thread has left me doubled up from laughing too many times too count, so I'm glad to be able to return the favor

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 9, 2005 11:51 am (#426 of 694)
Edited by Oct 9, 2005 4:53 am

You said, "I must have Harry Potter dead"? Oh dear. I thought you wanted mustard upon your bed. If you'll excuse me just for a bit... –Ticker

Stand next to him, cast Sonorus, and have frequent attacks of the I Thought You Saids: "I must have Harry Potter dead." "I WANT MUSTARD UPON MY BED!!!" (TM Ticker)—me

(Pulling up beside LV at the cemetary in expensive car...) Pardon me, but have you any Grey Poupon? –Ticker

Look at Voldy with wonder, and say: "Wow, you must really like mustard."

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Maddest Dragon - Oct 9, 2005 9:05 pm (#427 of 694)

Since he likes mustard so much, let's swing by a certain shop in Diagon Alley and buy him a lovely new wand. A trick one that squirts mustard when a spell is said. Make sure he has it when next he faces Harry Potter.

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Liz Mann - Oct 10, 2005 4:49 pm (#428 of 694)
Edited by Oct 10, 2005 9:49 am

I can just see that happening in the books actually! Voldemort has Harry cornered, he's raising his wand, Harry knows all is lost, Voldemort yells, "AVADA KEDAVRA!" and his wand turns into a rubber chicken!

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Maddest Dragon - Oct 10, 2005 6:24 pm (#429 of 694)

But don't forget the mustard!

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 10, 2005 6:43 pm (#430 of 694)
Edited by Oct 10, 2005 12:02 pm

Don't worry, My Lord. I brought the mustard! Oh, you don't want mustard? I mustard you wrong. Get it, mustard", "must've heard"? HA HA Uh oh--"

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Ticker - Oct 13, 2005 2:53 am (#431 of 694)

You wanted mustard upon your bed? Oh dear. I've been collecting these little mouse turds all week...

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Lenka - Oct 14, 2005 2:03 pm (#432 of 694)

A little twist of wolfgrl's one:

late book note:

Book Title: Love Magic and its Mysteries

Name: Lord Voldemort

Date Checked out: October 31, 1980

Date due: December 31, 1980 (book holder reported missing, no known relatives. cost: 3 galleons 5 sicles *sigh*)

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Liz Mann - Oct 14, 2005 10:16 pm (#433 of 694)
Edited by Oct 14, 2005 3:16 pm

Just as Voldemort's about to kill Harry, say very loudly, "You rock, Master! I mean, he never even found out that the final Horcrux is your teddy bear that you keep under your bed upstairs, did he?"

Inspired by a picture on Artistic Alley.

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Finn BV - Oct 25, 2005 12:55 am (#434 of 694)

LOL! This thread is so funny. I was reading from the beginning (I have no life, don't we all? I live in St. Mungo's, duh) and I got up to the point where Liz says that she bought "this book" today (Liz Mann, "-- Things to never say, do or give to Lord Voldie" #268, 11 Aug 2004 11:27 am) and then I jumped to the end (it got tiring, even for me) and I saw her talk about this book that she dug up about Harry Potter that she bought a while ago (Liz Mann, "-- Things to never say, do or give to Lord Voldie" #415, 27 Sep 2005 5:53 am) and it was the same book! The things you lean on this this thread!

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 25, 2005 1:50 am (#435 of 694)
Edited by Oct 24, 2005 6:50 pm

You're doomed now, Finn. I guarantee you'll spend the next couple of days trying to come up with new and improved ways to annoy Lord Voldemort.

In a thread this long, we are bound to repeat things occasionally. I'm always afraid that I've accidently ripped off someone else's ideas because I have such a sieve-like memory. I've got about ten things to bother Lord Voldy with in my head at the moment, but they all have a deja-vu-y feeling to them.

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Finn BV - Oct 25, 2005 2:14 am (#436 of 694)
Edited by Oct 24, 2005 7:14 pm

No, I think it's just funny that I saw 13 months go by in one minute.

Right, er, um… curse him off in Sanskrit. (Imprints of Ramayana, which I finished this weekend after reading the end in 3 and a half straight hours, are starting to appear.) I know, it's not very funny, but that's the best I've got. I'm way too tired.

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 25, 2005 12:55 pm (#437 of 694)
Edited by Oct 25, 2005 5:56 am

THE FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN THE ONE AND THE DARK LORD IS NIGH.... THEY WILL MEET AT SUNSET AND DUEL.... THE CORNER WHERE CRAZY BETTY'S FURNITURE WAREHOUSE IS LOCATED.... AND EITHER THE ONE OR THE OTHER MAY PURCHASE A SOFA FOR JUST TWO NINETY-NINE NINETY-NINE.... OR A DINING SET FOR JUST FOUR NINETY-NINE NINETY-NINE.... THESE DEALS WON'T LAST FOREVER, SO NEITHER SHOULD MISS THE CHANCE TO BUY AT THESE LOW CLEARANCE PRICES.... **snuffle** **snort** whoa, must have dozed off there for a moment!

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Liz Mann - Oct 25, 2005 11:55 pm (#438 of 694)
Edited by Oct 25, 2005 4:55 pm

I am laughing at your post a lot more than is called for, Mrs Brisbee. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that it's nearly one o' clock in the morning.

Finn - sorry 'bout that. I couldn't remember if I'd posted it or not. Or if it would be remembered.

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Elfcat - Oct 26, 2005 2:42 pm (#439 of 694)

At the end of Gof when Voldy assembles his troops in the graveyard:

My goodness, my lord, whatever happened to your nose? Have you been in a quidditch accident? You know, I met the best plastic surgeon once, I bet he could work wonders for that...

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Finn BV - Oct 27, 2005 12:52 am (#440 of 694)

TRAVELLING SALESMAN: *knocks on door*

VOLDEMORT: *answers the door*

TRAVELLING SALESMAN: Hello, are you the person in charge of this household?

VOLDEMORT: AVADA KEDAVRA!

VOLDEMORT: *slams door*

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 27, 2005 2:08 am (#441 of 694)
Edited by Oct 26, 2005 7:08 pm

heehee. Finn, you had me giggling at "travelling salesman knocks at door". You don't even need any of the lines after that

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Finn BV - Oct 27, 2005 2:26 am (#442 of 694)
Edited by Oct 26, 2005 7:27 pm

In a similar vein:

TELEMARKETER:



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Maddest Dragon - Oct 27, 2005 3:22 am (#443 of 694)

Oh, yes, you wanted to know the name of the plastic surgeon? Dear me, it slips my mind, but I do know a very nice gentleman, client of his, who'd be glad to refer you. An American, you may have heard of him, named Michael Jackson.

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Elfcat - Oct 31, 2005 4:36 pm (#444 of 694)

Actually, Maddest Dragon, he might LIKE that kind of plastic surgery. *shudders*

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Maddest Dragon - Nov 1, 2005 7:20 am (#445 of 694)

Yes... he might want to rebuild his nose a few dozen times til he gets it right.

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Ticker - Nov 1, 2005 11:38 pm (#446 of 694)

(Pictures Michael Jackson with Voldemort's nose.... shudder...)

Oct. 31st, 9:30pm, back at the house: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It's OK, my Lord. I'll share some of my candy with you. I really can't believe you got so many more packs of raisins than the rest of us. We all got loaded with chocolate (well, all of us except Peter, that is...). Maybe you should smile when you say "Trick-or-Treat"...er,... maybe not...

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Mrs Brisbee - Nov 2, 2005 2:59 am (#447 of 694)
Edited by Nov 1, 2005 7:00 pm



Don't you just love Halloween, My Lord? It's the best night of the whole year!

Look at Lord Voldemort, look at picture of Michael Jackson, look at Voldemort again, look at the picture of Michael Jackson again. "My Lord, are you familiar with the Sibling Theory?"

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Elfcat - Nov 2, 2005 4:07 pm (#448 of 694)

I love your costume this year, my lord! But since when does Michael Jackson wear wizard robes?...And carry a wand...which is pointing at me...and starting to glow...ha ha, nice special effects...help...

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Mrs Brisbee - Nov 2, 2005 7:41 pm (#449 of 694)
Edited by Nov 2, 2005 11:43 am

Lol.

Can you moonwalk too, My Lord?

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Maddest Dragon - Nov 3, 2005 6:21 am (#450 of 694)

Sibling theory! Separated at birth! That must be why they both have an unhealthy obsession with particular kids....

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Elfcat - Nov 8, 2005 12:30 am (#451 of 694)

Now that was a little on the nasty side, Maddest Dragon.

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Mrs Brisbee - Nov 16, 2005 1:25 pm (#452 of 694)

Actually, I've always thought you looked a bit like Ed Wood's dentist.

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Mrs Brisbee - Nov 22, 2005 1:23 pm (#453 of 694)
Edited by Nov 22, 2005 5:24 am

Voldy, my man, you are going about this Wizarding World domination thing all wrong. War is so passé; today it's all about consumerism. Now, what you need to do is just build eighteen-thousand-square-foot VoldeMarts in every Wizarding town, and BAM, you'll rule in no time!

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Ticker - Nov 23, 2005 1:59 am (#454 of 694)

VoldeMarts - snerk, hee-hee, hooo, hoo, giggle... how will I ever read "Voldemort" again without a snicker? How will I ever shop at WalMart without a strange sense of dread? Oh wait... that already happens.

No, no, really, my Lord. It's not that I prefer Fiennes to you, it's just that he does look nice on this poster...except the nose... don't you agree?

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Mrs Brisbee - Nov 30, 2005 3:10 pm (#455 of 694)
Edited by Nov 30, 2005 7:16 am

Wow, what's it like working as a stand in for Ralph Fiennes? I bet you wish you had his charisma, but I guess that's why he gets the big bucks and the rest of us just get union.

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Elfcat - Nov 30, 2005 4:28 pm (#456 of 694)

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOl....VoldeMart...LOL...

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 1, 2005 7:18 pm (#457 of 694)

Replace the Dark Mark with a yellow smiley face. Makes a better image, after all.

Wecome to VoldeMart! Have a nice day!

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 1, 2005 7:40 pm (#458 of 694)
Edited by Dec 1, 2005 11:40 am

**Imagines coming home and finding a giant yellow smiley face floating over the house** **shudder**

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Liz Mann - Dec 1, 2005 8:09 pm (#459 of 694)
Edited by Dec 1, 2005 12:09 pm

Roll
House 3

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 1, 2005 8:28 pm (#460 of 694)
Edited by Dec 1, 2005 12:29 pm

AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liz, that's just too horrible for words!

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Finn BV - Dec 2, 2005 1:20 am (#461 of 694)

Don't… don't… DON'T ENTER THAT HOUSE!! CALL THE MINISTRY!

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 4, 2005 2:59 am (#462 of 694)

VoldeMart... now that's the real way to take over the world.

Staff it with house elves and you won't even have any lawsuits.

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Liz Mann - Dec 4, 2005 6:25 pm (#463 of 694)

Oooh, Hermione would hex you for that joke, Maddest Dragon.

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 14, 2005 1:31 am (#464 of 694)

My Lord, would you like to get into the office pool about whether it's you or Harry Potter that's victorious in the end? I guess you better take it with you winning-- else you couldn't collect, haha. So all you need to really do is pick a point spread and give me your ten galleons, and your good to go.

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 15, 2005 5:24 am (#465 of 694)

And it's perfectly safe to bet in this pool--Mr. Bagman is the treasurer.

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 18, 2005 1:19 pm (#466 of 694)
Edited by Dec 18, 2005 5:20 am

Psssst, I'll give you a hundred Galleons if you take a dive.

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 19, 2005 9:17 pm (#467 of 694)
Edited by Dec 19, 2005 1:20 pm

You know what? If we painted you green you'd look just like the Grinch!... Er, you didn't happen to have been hiding out in a cave in Whoville all those years you were missing, were you?

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Finn BV - Dec 20, 2005 4:00 am (#468 of 694)

Hey Voldie, my man, it's like two years until you make another book, so, I've got an interim job for you. There's this mall pretty near me that pays well for you to dress up in some red suit with a silly red hat. All you'd have to do is tell them that they'll get what they want for Christmas, you know, show them some love. Oh… wait… okay, never mind.

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 21, 2005 4:30 pm (#469 of 694)
Edited by Dec 21, 2005 8:32 am

One, two, three, everybody sing JOY TO THE WORLD"! C'mon, My Lord, put some heart into it!"

Hey, My Lord, do you know what my favorite holiday is? Boxing Day! Come the 26th, I'm bossing you around.

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 22, 2005 9:20 am (#470 of 694)

My Lord, may I present my friend, Mr. Wile E. Coyote? You'll like him very much; you have a lot in common: both of you are wonderfully skilled at thinking up the most complicated ways to vanquish your foes. And Mr. Coyote, if I may be so bold, is perhaps a little more successful at it than Your Lordship.

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Liz Mann - Dec 22, 2005 12:34 pm (#471 of 694)
Edited by Dec 22, 2005 4:35 am

Maybe you should try some of his tricks. Would you be interested in the Acme catalogue? Giant slingshots are currently 50% off, and they're absolutely guaranteed to work!

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Maddest Dragon - Dec 28, 2005 4:46 am (#472 of 694)

Not a Voldie joke... I really don't get the one about Boxing Day. Must be a British thing. In the States, it's just the day after Christmas, nothing special about it. Can anyone explain?

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Liz Mann - Dec 29, 2005 12:07 am (#473 of 694)
Edited by Dec 28, 2005 4:09 pm

Here's some info about it. Information that I never actually knew myself, to tell you the truth.

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Mrs Brisbee - Dec 29, 2005 1:52 am (#474 of 694)

I do apologize. The Boxing Day joke didn't come out all that well. I think maybe I based it on some foggy information gleaned from watching "Upstairs, Downstairs" an untold number of decades ago....

I could delete it to avoid further confusion, but what the hay, maybe it will encourage more timid souls to post their ideas on how best to annoy Voldemort here without fear it could ever be the most confusing or flattest joke, because mine will be the hallmark evermore!

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Liz Mann - Dec 30, 2005 11:56 pm (#475 of 694)
Edited by Dec 30, 2005 3:56 pm

*pointing* My Lord, look! Potter! *Voldemort looks* Syke!

I think I've taken your record for flattest joke, Mrs Brisbee.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 3, 2006 1:44 pm (#476 of 694)
Edited by Jan 3, 2006 5:44 am

Not even close, Liz! WHOOHOOO, I'm still the champ!

Before Voldemort's outing at the Ministry Atrium, believe everything the MoM has been telling you: "Nice try, Lord Whoever-You-Really-Are, but the Ministry says You-Know-Who is dead and I'm not buying your little scheme, so buzz off!"

After Voldemort's outing in the Ministry Atrium, believe everything the MoM is telling you: "So you are He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named afterall? But you can't harm me because-- Ha!--I have my Purple Leaflet, so buzz off!"

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Liz Mann - Jan 3, 2006 3:39 pm (#477 of 694)

ROFL!! Very funny Mrs B.

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Uncle Brad - Jan 4, 2006 3:57 am (#478 of 694)

My Lord, I am so sorry. I thought the bottle said You Know Who and was your own special elixir. It really said You No Poo. Look on the bright side, you won't be wasting all that time in the loo now.

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Finn BV - Jan 4, 2006 10:32 pm (#479 of 694)

LOL Mrs Brisbee. When you said "Look on the bright side" I automatically thought of the Monty Python/Spamalot song "Always look on the bright side of life," so……

Never sing Monty Python/Spamalot to Voldie. Simply put.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 5, 2006 2:04 pm (#480 of 694)

psst, Finn, that was Uncle Brad!

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Finn BV - Jan 6, 2006 1:26 pm (#481 of 694)

Oops!! Oh my gosh, sorry Uncle Brad, there were three posts that I was looking at when I clicked to read the thread, and when I scrolled up to see who had posted when I was typing, I looked at Mrs Brisbee's post by accident, I guess.

I tend to do that a lot. *off to stick my head in the oven with Dobby*

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Uncle Brad - Jan 8, 2006 4:01 am (#482 of 694)
Edited by Jan 7, 2006 8:10 pm

Ah Finn, no need to punish yourself for such a minor error. My name is Brad, not Malfoy and I seldom hold a grudge - especially for something so trifling as a name mixup. As the saying goes, you can call me anything as long as you call me in time for lunch. Come on out of the oven (unless like here it is a nice way to keep warm).

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Finn BV - Jan 8, 2006 3:54 pm (#483 of 694)

*comes out of oven*

What's that? Lunch? Lord, will you please call Uncle Brad for lunch?

Thanks, Uncle Brad.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 11, 2006 2:54 am (#484 of 694)
Edited by Jan 10, 2006 6:58 pm

What, bran flakes and prune juice, again?

Edit: This is you're fault, Uncle Brad! Now my minds in the gutter and I can't get it out! Help!

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Uncle Brad - Jan 12, 2006 4:02 am (#485 of 694)

My Lord; on young Mr. Malfoy's suggestion the Death Eaters have all decided to stop calling you 'The Dark Lord' if you fail to kill Harry Potter the next time you see him. Instead, we shall be calling you 'The Dork Lord'.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 18, 2006 1:14 pm (#486 of 694)
Edited by Jan 18, 2006 5:27 am

Ah, I can see by your black robe that you are a monk. So, are you here on Order business?

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 30, 2006 10:51 pm (#487 of 694)

Hey, I've been doing some genealogical research, and it turns out that I am really the Heir of Slytherin! So step aside, you poser.

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Uncle Brad - Jan 31, 2006 1:56 am (#488 of 694)
Edited by Jan 30, 2006 5:56 pm

We have your campaign of terror posters ready. As you requested we were able to find someone remarkably like you to use for your 'before' picture. The boy’s name is Harry Potter...

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Mrs Brisbee - Feb 2, 2006 2:55 am (#489 of 694)
Edited by Feb 1, 2006 6:56 pm

Darn it all, looks like the printing shop mixed up our Campaign of Terror order with someone else's order.... Do we have any use for one thousand You-No-Poo posters?

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Uncle Brad - Feb 2, 2006 3:45 am (#490 of 694)

I see the Weasley boys are using you as their poster child for 'You-No-Poo". The 'after' photo. It really is quite effective advertising, their sales have doubled in the past week. Maybe you should be asking for a commission.

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Little Ginny - Feb 12, 2006 3:07 pm (#491 of 694)

My Lord, I just watched 'Manhattan Love Story'. Tell me, what was working with Jennifer Lopez like?

I watched that movie and I couldn't help thinking: "Voldemort! In love! How weird..." Poor Ralph Fiennes, I don't think I'll ever see him as anyone else now...

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Mrs Brisbee - Feb 15, 2006 1:33 pm (#492 of 694)

Decide that Voldy's life would be much more exciting with musical accompaniment. Hire an orchestra to follow him around. "Don't mind us, My Lord. The music will increase dramatic tension. You look a little annoyed-- okay, everybody, slow and ominous, slow and ominous! Wow, My Lord, now you look-- uh oh!--CRESCENDO! CRESCENDO!--"

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Little Ginny - Feb 15, 2006 3:45 pm (#493 of 694)

Yes, Mrs Brisbee, and everytime he looks into a mirror, have the band play the screech-screech-screech from Psycho!

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Elfcat - Feb 15, 2006 5:26 pm (#494 of 694)

I can just see them playing Darth Vader's theme every time he walks through a door.

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Mrs Brisbee - Feb 15, 2006 5:47 pm (#495 of 694)

LOL, and when Voldemort and Harry next duel, the orchestra can strike up the combat music from old Star Trek...

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Liz Mann - Feb 15, 2006 7:39 pm (#496 of 694)

Or the duelling music from Pirates of the Caribbean.

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Finn BV - Feb 15, 2006 11:45 pm (#497 of 694)

What mood would he be in that would cause the orchestra to play Hedwig's Theme??

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Emily - Feb 16, 2006 1:47 am (#498 of 694)

Probably after hearing that DD's dead . . . this is a really good one, Mrs. Brisbee! Liz - I like that.

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Finn BV - Feb 16, 2006 3:58 am (#499 of 694)

Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are…

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Mrs Brisbee - Feb 17, 2006 2:34 pm (#500 of 694)
Edited by Feb 17, 2006 6:40 am

The orchestra's not so bad, My Lord. It could be worse. We've had a band following Snape around playing "Secret Agent Man" for months now...."

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Liz Mann - Feb 17, 2006 6:36 pm (#501 of 694)

Oops!

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Hermionefan(#1) - Feb 28, 2006 12:22 am (#502 of 694)

LOL Mrs. Brisbee!!

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Mrs Brisbee - Mar 1, 2006 3:38 pm (#503 of 694)

Ah, My Lord, I see you've come up with yet another sure-fire plan to rid yourself of Harry Potter... I'm just guessing here, but back when you were a student at Hogwarts, did you happen to get a 'T' on your Divination O.W.L?

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Good Evans - Mar 11, 2006 8:42 pm (#504 of 694)

Isn't it about time you just got over yourself?

or

Do I know your brother Jimmy? (if you are outside UK - you probably won't get this last one)

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Liz Mann - Mar 11, 2006 9:08 pm (#505 of 694)
Edited by Mar 11, 2006 1:09 pm

I'm in the UK and I don't get it.

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Good Evans - Mar 11, 2006 9:36 pm (#506 of 694)

a jimmy riddle??? rhyming slang? change the r for a p! gosh can't believe you've not heard of that one liz.

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azi - Mar 14, 2006 6:34 pm (#507 of 694)

I haven't heard it either...then again, I am from up north where rhyming slang doesn't exist.

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 7, 2006 7:23 pm (#508 of 694)

Death Eater returning from a failed mission: "Oh yeah? Well, you can't Crucio me, because I quit!"

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Little Ginny - Apr 8, 2006 7:18 am (#509 of 694)

My Lord, your W.O.M.B.A.T. results came in this morning. You got a 'T'. They say they don't think you're fit to live in the magical community.

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 18, 2006 1:33 am (#510 of 694)

You got a 'T', My Lord?!? Wow, that puts you on par with-- well, with Crabbe and Goyle!

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Liz Mann - Apr 18, 2006 6:03 pm (#511 of 694)

Dumbledore got an Outstanding, you know. And Harry Potter. And that Mudblood girl.

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 19, 2006 12:09 am (#512 of 694)
Edited by Apr 19, 2006 12:19 am

**ROFL**

Liz, you should turn this thread into a coffee table book.

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Liz Mann - Apr 19, 2006 7:09 pm (#513 of 694)
Edited by Apr 19, 2006 9:55 pm

Hmmm...

I could do that if anyone was going to buy it (I have the resources). But really the only way it would be legal is if it was just for us. And why would we buy it if we can just read this thread? Unless Wizarding World Press would print it, of course.

Edit: How mad am I? I have just read every single post on this thread.

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Finn BV - Apr 19, 2006 11:36 pm (#514 of 694)

Hey Liz, I did that too! You know what? I think we belong in St. Mungo's or something… just a thought…

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Liz Mann - Apr 20, 2006 5:03 pm (#515 of 694)

You think?

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 25, 2006 6:32 pm (#516 of 694)
Edited by Apr 25, 2006 6:32 pm

Too bad there would be legal issues, it would be a fun book to give to my not-quite-as-rabid-about-Harry-Potter-as-me friends. Oh,well, it was an idea.

__________________________

Say, My Lord, can you break wineglasses with a high C? 'Cause, I'm betting you can.

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 26, 2006 1:18 am (#517 of 694)
Edited by Apr 26, 2006 1:32 am

So, would you say you are a soprano, or a mezzo-soprano?

Ooh, does the widdle Dawk Ward wanna take over the world? Does he? Goochie goochie!

Tickle fight!

Hey, it's Nosferatu!

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Liz Mann - Apr 27, 2006 4:44 pm (#518 of 694)

LOL!! Those were really funny, Mrs Brisbee!

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PyroGrl - Apr 27, 2006 10:58 pm (#519 of 694)

Ooh, does the widdle Dawk Ward wanna take over the world? Does he? Goochie goochie!

...

Great, now I'm totally reminded of Stewie Griffen. "Victory is mine!"

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Mrs Brisbee - Apr 28, 2006 8:07 pm (#520 of 694)
Edited by Apr 28, 2006 8:12 pm

Get a job as a reporter for the Daily Prophet: "I'm sure that what you have to say is very interesting, Mr. You-Know-Who, but before I write anything I'll need to check with my editor to see if today's policy states that you exist, or don't exist...."

Get a job as a writer for the Quibbler: "So, how long have you actually been a Gobberlister, and what did you do with the real Lord Voldemort?"

Take up writing truly bad fanfiction, and regale Voldemort with your tales: "You'll absolutely love the end to this one! Okay, there you are, standing over Harry Potter with this giant ax, like this, and it looks like you’ve won the day, but suddenly the door crashes open, and in bursts—DENNIS CREEVEY!”

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Puck - Apr 29, 2006 1:37 am (#521 of 694)
Edited by Apr 29, 2006 1:44 am

Dr. Phil "Have you read my book, 'Self Matters'? There's a copy under your chair. Make sure to do the work book. You can put that wand away, this is MY show. That dog won't hunt."

Oh, did you all say that reading through all those posts is nuts, because I just read 520! I tried to explain my laughter, but hubby didn't get why the difference between a face and a bucket of slugs being the bucket was so hysterical.

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Liz Mann - May 1, 2006 12:40 am (#522 of 694)

ROFL!!! That was definitely one of my favourites from the entire thread, Puck. I believe it was Blast who gets credit for that one. By the way, where is Blast?

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Mrs Brisbee - May 8, 2006 2:34 pm (#523 of 694)

Hey, Guess what? Macnair's helped us 'liberate' a few Dark Creatures slated to go before the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures! We'll be able to use them in our battle against the Ministry and Order. Check this one out-- RELEASE THE GIANT MONGOOSE!... Uh, whoops, sorry. Forgot all about Nagini.

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Tazzygirl - May 9, 2006 10:15 pm (#524 of 694)

Good one, Mrs. Brisbee! **snort**

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journeymom - May 12, 2006 5:24 pm (#525 of 694)

Draco: "You weren't held much when you were a baby, were you Lord?"

Narcissa to Bella, "I bet his mother didn't nurse him."

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Puck - May 12, 2006 9:26 pm (#526 of 694)

LOL, Journeymom!

Dolores Umbridge straightens her ridiculous pink bow and croaks "You don't have the authority to use an Unforgiveable Curse! Decree number 157 clearly states that only the Junior Senior Undersecretary to the Minister can grant special permission to use such ordinarily illegal curses! Perhaps you should write that down. Here, you can borrow my quill."

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Mrs Brisbee - May 13, 2006 11:28 am (#527 of 694)

ROFL, those were good!

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Liz Mann - May 13, 2006 12:23 pm (#528 of 694)

ROFL!! If only Umbridge would say more of these to Voldie, then she'd stand a good chance of being AKed.

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Mrs Brisbee - May 18, 2006 8:06 pm (#529 of 694)
Edited by May 18, 2006 8:06 pm

Say, would you play Jonathan Brewster in our Death Theater amateur production of Arsenic and Old Lace? That part almost seems to have been written with you in mind!

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Elfcat - May 19, 2006 3:26 pm (#530 of 694)

I LOVE THAT MOVIE!!! Oh dear...

And I suppose you're going to tell me you're Boris Kar-- "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

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Puck - May 19, 2006 6:42 pm (#531 of 694)

GROUP HUG!!

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Miss Black - May 29, 2006 12:10 am (#532 of 694)

The Name's Mort, Voldie Mort.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jun 1, 2006 1:51 pm (#533 of 694)
Edited by Jun 1, 2006 1:52 pm

Heehee, I think Voldie's reaction to being called "Mort" will be quite similar to the one he has when called "Boris Karloff"! (Yeah, Elfcat, great play, great movie adaptation! Especially since they were able to get Karloff to reprise his roll as Jonathan for the movie.)

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Good Evans - Jun 5, 2006 6:20 pm (#534 of 694)

You know, you'd just look darling in lavender, it would so set off your eyes......

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Puck - Jun 6, 2006 8:22 pm (#535 of 694)

...or perhaps a pink hoodie?

(why does everybody have a problem with that sweatshirt?)

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Liz Mann - Jun 6, 2006 11:33 pm (#536 of 694)
Edited by Jun 6, 2006 11:34 pm

They just don't think it's very 'Hermione'. But it is very Voldemort.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jun 8, 2006 4:46 pm (#537 of 694)

Have you ever kept a diary?

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Puck - Jun 8, 2006 8:37 pm (#538 of 694)

You seem a tad stressed. Perhaps you should try Yoga.

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Miss Black - Jun 9, 2006 11:25 pm (#539 of 694)

Breath in and out. Slowly... Now count to twenty.

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virginiaelizabeth - Jun 10, 2006 12:24 am (#540 of 694)

Find a happy place, find a happy place...!!

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Good Evans - Jun 11, 2006 4:44 pm (#541 of 694)

Did you Kill all of these people? Right straight to your room and I don’t want to see you until you are ready to apologise to each and every one of their families...

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Miss Black - Jun 12, 2006 1:09 am (#542 of 694)

You WHAT? Tortured muggles? That’s it young man, you are grounded for the next six months! Did I raise you this way?

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jun 28, 2006 2:18 pm (#543 of 694)

You know what happens to boys who hang around graveyards at night, don’t you?

Or

You speak parseltounge? But that is just so last year!!

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Liz Mann - Jun 28, 2006 2:27 pm (#544 of 694)

I like the first one.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jun 28, 2006 3:44 pm (#545 of 694)

You know, you look just like your father! It must be the eyes.

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Good Evans - Jun 28, 2006 5:13 pm (#546 of 694)

Do you mind if I borrow your wand? I've dropped mine down this drain...

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Puck - Jun 29, 2006 2:37 am (#547 of 694)

Tommy Boy!

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Finn BV - Jun 29, 2006 2:41 am (#548 of 694)

SPEW!!!!!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jun 29, 2006 9:55 am (#549 of 694)

There's no place like home!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jun 29, 2006 1:00 pm (#550 of 694)
Edited by Jun 29, 2006 6:02 am

I'd sue the plastic surgeon if I were you.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jun 29, 2006 1:44 pm (#551 of 694)

LOL!

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Puck - Jun 30, 2006 1:27 am (#552 of 694)

Mrs. Brisbee! I was wondering about you! Haven't seen you around lately!

Here, try some visine. It takes the red out!

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PyroGrl - Jun 30, 2006 1:39 am (#553 of 694)

Running off of yours, Puck:

Troublesome teenager getting you down? There's a Visine for that.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 2, 2006 3:16 pm (#554 of 694)
Edited by Jul 2, 2006 8:54 am

Yeah, My Lord, you think babies are trouble, that's nothing next to what teenagers get up to! Didn't your Mum and Dad teach you anything about parenting?

Death Eater: "Say, as long as we're all standing around in a big circle, is everyone up for a country dance?"

(Hi Puck! I'm just lurking, and enjoying everyone else's posts, because my life is crazy.)

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Good Evans - Jul 2, 2006 7:18 pm (#555 of 694)

the fancy dress theme this year is "my hero" , I've got you a Dumbledore costume, is that ok?

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Puck - Jul 2, 2006 11:44 pm (#556 of 694)

I tried to get you a Harry Potter costume, but Lucius got the last one.

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Finn BV - Jul 2, 2006 11:59 pm (#557 of 694)

Bella took the Longbottom kid's outfit.

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Puck - Jul 3, 2006 12:30 am (#558 of 694)

Draco's wearing Hermione's pink hoodie!

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Tazzygirl - Jul 3, 2006 12:54 am (#559 of 694)

ROFL!! These are great!

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Finn BV - Jul 3, 2006 2:50 am (#560 of 694)

Severus dressed up like James Potter!

Okay, we're killing it…

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jul 3, 2006 11:44 am (#561 of 694)

Did the wind change?

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Puck - Jul 3, 2006 12:12 pm (#562 of 694)

Master, look at what I found! A music box with the name "Merope" etched into the bottom. Wasn't that your mum's name? Anyway, I thought it would be a lovely additon to your horcrux collection. Now you just have to find someone to mur....Master! Why is your wand pointed at me? Was I not supposed to know about the horcruxes? Well, perhaps a simple memory charm?

*green flash of light*

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Mediwitch - Jul 3, 2006 10:36 pm (#563 of 694)
Edited by Jul 3, 2006 3:36 pm

Nice one, Puck!

How about this...

Master, look! I got you a new X-box 360 to play while you are waiting to conquer the Wizarding World. I also picked up some games for you: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Po....another green flash of light

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Finn BV - Jul 4, 2006 1:23 am (#564 of 694)

You could never be Ralph Fiennes.

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Good Evans - Jul 4, 2006 7:15 pm (#565 of 694)

What do you mean you failed the W.O.M.B.A.T. ??? ...... Well I am sure it could happen to anyone it was a tough test, yes I know you are the greatest Wizard of all time..... Troll?? really???? ROF...ugh!

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virginiaelizabeth2 - Jul 5, 2006 5:59 am (#566 of 694)
Edited by Jul 4, 2006 11:00 pm

How about trying this nice red sweater? It was knitted it with love, plus it would really match your eyes!

EDITED for typos

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Good Evans - Jul 9, 2006 8:10 pm (#567 of 694)

excuse me, I was told there was a famous wizard in here, would you know who it is???

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Finn BV - Jul 9, 2006 8:23 pm (#568 of 694)

Can I have your autograph?

(taken from Good Evans')

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 10, 2006 8:40 pm (#569 of 694)

... and I've always coveted a locket of your hair!... Oh dear, I see that I'm too late....

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jul 11, 2006 10:08 am (#570 of 694)

If wizards apparate, do you vaporate?

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 11, 2006 1:20 pm (#571 of 694)
Edited by Jul 11, 2006 6:34 am

Well, I've finally come up with a nom de plume that has that vague familiarity that will grab the potential readers' attention! So, here you go, a signed copy of my work, Dining With Death Eaters by Volderoy Morthart.

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Finn BV - Jul 11, 2006 4:50 pm (#572 of 694)

SPEW!!!!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jul 12, 2006 1:35 pm (#573 of 694)

I've decided we should all lighten up a little. I've even changed the Dark Mark, behold the new Duck Mark.

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Good Evans - Jul 13, 2006 3:56 pm (#574 of 694)

Phelim, you're quackers!!!!!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jul 14, 2006 12:24 pm (#575 of 694)

It's created by saying MosMallardro, in a Donald Duck type voice.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 14, 2006 5:18 pm (#576 of 694)

LOL, Phelim, does this mean we start calling Voldemort "Darkwing"?

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Puck - Jul 14, 2006 6:11 pm (#577 of 694)
Edited by Jul 14, 2006 11:11 am

I was thinking of Darkwing Duck myself. Ant relation to the chickens on the other thread? (It all comes back to poultry, after all.)

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Good Evans - Jul 15, 2006 12:05 pm (#578 of 694)

I think this is a foul smear, and is giving me a funny "tern" .

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Liz Mann - Jul 16, 2006 6:49 pm (#579 of 694)

Lol! These are funny!

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 17, 2006 2:34 am (#580 of 694)
Edited by Jul 16, 2006 7:35 pm

Why yes, My Lord, we are making fun of you.

You know, sometimes you're a bit slow on the uptake. Have you ever considered changing your name from Dark Lord to Dim Lord?

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Finn BV - Jul 17, 2006 3:30 am (#581 of 694)

SPEW!!! Mrs Brisbee, those were two FANTASTIC entries. LOL!

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Puck - Jul 17, 2006 1:27 pm (#582 of 694)
Edited by Jul 17, 2006 6:28 am

Dim Lord, teehee.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 17, 2006 3:51 pm (#583 of 694)

I must credit Mr. Brisbee for the Dim Lord moniker.

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Finn BV - Jul 17, 2006 10:40 pm (#584 of 694)

You are HOTTTTTTTT.

(**waves to normal forum**)

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 19, 2006 2:35 am (#585 of 694)
Edited by Jul 18, 2006 7:36 pm

Voldemort fangirls!? Finn, what are you trying to do, scare Voldy to death? I know it scares me!

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Finn BV - Jul 19, 2006 2:49 am (#586 of 694)
Edited by Jul 18, 2006 7:49 pm

That's why you should never say it to Lord Voldie!

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Liz Mann - Jul 19, 2006 8:15 pm (#587 of 694)

What do you mean, of course you should! Scare him to death and you'll do Harry's job for him. You weren't born at the end of July, were you? You could be the real Chosen One!

Actually, that's something never to say to Lord Voldie - "Ha ha! You're spending all your time chasing Harry Potter when my friend Finn is the real Chosen One! Sucker!"

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Finn BV - Jul 19, 2006 9:47 pm (#588 of 694)
Edited by Jul 19, 2006 2:48 pm

Well… I was born as the eighth month begins… (August 7, a week late…)

Darned J.K. Rowling – she doesn't know what she's talking about. Harry Potter? Pfft.

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Mediwitch - Jul 26, 2006 2:47 am (#589 of 694)

I can see it now! Book 7: Finn BV and the Dim Lord!!

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Liz Mann - Jul 27, 2006 12:28 am (#590 of 694)

Don't you mean Dork Lord? Or Dork Lard?

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Mediwitch - Jul 27, 2006 3:31 am (#591 of 694)

Liz, check Mrs. Brisbee's post #580 - sorry, I don't know how to link, and as it's 11:35pm (my time) I'm not up to looking it up. One of these days I'll learn how to link!

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Liz Mann - Jul 27, 2006 5:48 pm (#592 of 694)

Ah... right, sorry.

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Good Evans - Jul 27, 2006 8:42 pm (#593 of 694)

its the duck lord, no????? something poultry like that anyway

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Finn BV - Jul 27, 2006 9:05 pm (#594 of 694)

I'm sure there are many variations.

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Mediwitch - Jul 27, 2006 11:43 pm (#595 of 694)

Good Evans, I think that's on the Chicken thread, unless that's the reason the chicken crossed the road (to call Voldie "Duck Lord")!

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Mrs Brisbee - Jul 28, 2006 4:02 am (#596 of 694)
Edited by Jul 27, 2006 9:04 pm

Mediwitch: Good Evans, I think that's on the Chicken thread, unless that's the reason the chicken crossed the road (to call Voldie "Duck Lord")!

__________

The chicken runs across the road to Lord Voldemort: "Duck Lord!"

Voldemort turns to the chicken, furious: "What? How dare you call--" *Thwack*. Voldemort is hit in the back of the head by a stray Bludger, and keels over, unconscious.

The chicken sighs: "Why is it no one ever listens to me when I tell them to duck?"

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Tazzygirl - Jul 28, 2006 4:55 am (#597 of 694)

That was a good one, Mrs B.!! **wipes tears away**

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Mediwitch - Aug 1, 2006 1:07 am (#598 of 694)

Nice one, Mrs. Brisbee!!!

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Puck - Aug 8, 2006 12:51 pm (#599 of 694)

LOL, Mrs. B.!

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Elfcat - Sep 13, 2006 3:04 pm (#600 of 694)

*restrains hysterical laughter on account of being at school* Oh wow, I just realized how much I've been missing these threads...

Dude, are those seriously your hands? I mean, it just looks like somebody glued a bunch of knitting needles to your wrists. I know you were going for graceful, but, you think maybe you overdid it?

(yes i'm lame. but you knew that.)

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Liz Mann - Sep 15, 2006 1:14 pm (#601 of 694)

LOL!

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 15, 2006 2:46 pm (#602 of 694)
Edited by Sep 15, 2006 7:52 am

Lol, Elfcat!

From now on, whenever Voldy wiggles his fingers, we can mutter, "Knit one, purl two..."

Ask him if he ever made a Weasley sweater.

Find out if he likes knitting patterns. Tell him Dumbledore likes knitting patterns. Suggest they share.

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Puck - Sep 18, 2006 7:09 pm (#603 of 694)

Knit one, purl two

Priceless!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Sep 19, 2006 9:43 am (#604 of 694)
Edited by Sep 19, 2006 2:43 am

My Dark Lord has no nose. How does he smell? TERRIBLE!

Sorry, having just rewatched Goblet of Fire and seen Voldemort, and also seen fan art on the Lexicon I couldn't resist it.

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 19, 2006 1:33 pm (#605 of 694)

LOL, man, Phelim, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!

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Liz Mann - Sep 19, 2006 5:14 pm (#606 of 694)

Lol, Phelim!! I know that joke from the Sooty Show in the UK.

My brother said it in its original form to my best friend once, which went something like this.

Brother: My dog's got no nose.
Friend: Really?

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Phelim Mcintyre - Sep 20, 2006 12:33 pm (#607 of 694)

Liz - you remember the original correctly. But I prefer my version.

Mrs Brisbee, I am so pleased to have caused such a reaction.

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 22, 2006 2:20 pm (#608 of 694)
Edited by Sep 22, 2006 7:22 am

I gave up clown college for this?

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Elfcat - Sep 26, 2006 11:15 pm (#609 of 694)

(wow, people actually laughed at mine. )

You know if you don't want to go in for plastic surgery you can always borrow one of my old clown noses.

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 27, 2006 2:46 am (#610 of 694)
Edited by Sep 26, 2006 7:50 pm

But you might want to work on your disposition. The only thing worse than a sad clown is an angry one!

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John Bumbledore - Nov 9, 2006 5:52 pm (#611 of 694)
Edited by Nov 9, 2006 9:55 am

Sticker of Dumbledore thinking.
From the makers of Extreme Makeover and The Biggest Looser

An now, our next contestants:
From Neverland Ranch we have, Michael Jackson
From Little Hangleton in Brittan, we have Tom Ridd-- oh, yes, of course--Lord Voldemort.
And the winner is

Tom, erm, I mean Lord Voldemort!

<)B^D˜ John Bumbledore
The lineup of the usual suspects/ Smiles is now in my profile.

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Liz Mann - Nov 10, 2006 12:46 am (#612 of 694)

So, like, is it just babies that defeat you or is it little puppies and bunnies and stuff too?

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Phelim Mcintyre - Nov 10, 2006 1:26 pm (#613 of 694)

Bellatrix's birthday is coming up. I wonder if she would like a snakeskin wand case?

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Pinky - Nov 12, 2006 10:55 am (#614 of 694)

Oh Liz, that was spew-worthy!

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MandyQ - Nov 26, 2006 6:29 am (#615 of 694)

Perhaps this is a bit personal, but... I know a guy in Palm Springs who could take care of that nose thing no problem. He's great, he did my sister in law's boobs.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 19, 2007 2:45 pm (#616 of 694)
Edited by Jan 19, 2007 6:46 am

Our new Death Theater Amateur Production is Hamlet, and I've got the title role! You've been cast, too, in a bit part. Here, let me put my hand on your chin, like so. Okay, ready? Ahem--- Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him--

Our next production will be The Wizard of Oz. We figure we can paint you silver and you can play the Tin Man. Can you sing If I Only Had A Heart?

Look, I don't care how big a name you've got, if you keep AKing our other actors, I'm bumping you down to gofer!

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Liz Mann - Jan 20, 2007 2:21 pm (#617 of 694)

Lol, Mrs Brisbee!

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 26, 2007 3:06 am (#618 of 694)
Edited by Jan 25, 2007 7:07 pm

You know, I don't think you're ever going to win Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award.... And you might want to give up that ambition about taking Best-Hair, also.

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Liz Mann - Jan 27, 2007 1:37 am (#619 of 694)

And 'Most Beautiful Eyes'. And 'Best Complexion'.

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haymoni - Jan 27, 2007 5:09 pm (#620 of 694)

And you'll probably never be a hand model.

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Tazzygirl - Jan 27, 2007 7:58 pm (#621 of 694)

Or a nose model for that matter.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jan 28, 2007 9:41 pm (#622 of 694)

Dark Lord sir, are you by any chance related to Edward Scissorhands?

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 29, 2007 3:32 pm (#623 of 694)

I think Witch Weekly should create a whole new standard of beauty just to accommodate you. They should call it 'Vugly'.

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Mrs Brisbee - Mar 8, 2007 4:50 pm (#624 of 694)
Edited by Mar 8, 2007 8:51 am

Shhhhh! Quiet, that looks like Voldemort over there, sleeping.... Or maybe he's dead.... I know! Let's go poke him with a stick!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Mar 8, 2007 10:08 pm (#625 of 694)

I hear their naming a new ward after you at St Mungo's. Its called the Lord Voldemort Ward for the Cosmetically Challenged.

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azi - Mar 8, 2007 10:35 pm (#626 of 694)

LOL Phelim!

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Mrs Brisbee - Mar 9, 2007 1:56 am (#627 of 694)

Lol, good one, Phelim. Poor, poor picked-upon Voldy (not really)!

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Liz Mann - May 23, 2007 12:34 am (#628 of 694)

I found these avatars online.



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Phelim Mcintyre - May 23, 2007 7:57 am (#629 of 694)

Voldemort isn't naturally bald. He looked in the mirror and the hair died. He now wears a dark magic wig. Yes he calls it his hell toupee.

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Mrs Brisbee - May 23, 2007 11:43 am (#630 of 694)
Edited by May 23, 2007 4:47 am

Lol!

He now wears a dark magic wig.

Scold Voldemort for violating the Ministry of Magic's restrictions on using magic rugs.

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PyroGrl - May 23, 2007 10:02 pm (#631 of 694)

Ahahaha, I love #19.

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Mrs Brisbee - May 24, 2007 1:41 pm (#632 of 694)
Edited by May 24, 2007 6:44 am

Go into a prophetic trance, and say, "THE DARK LORD AND THE ONE WILL MEET IN FINAL BATTLE, AND THE OUTCOME WILL HINGE ON--" then wake up. When he gets mad and demands to know the rest of it, tell him to suck it up, sorry, because you only ever do half-prophecies.

Offer to crystal gaze for him. Tell him he has-- THE GRIM!

Tell him the stars have spoken, and July looks like very bad month for him. "Sorry about that, but at least you're forewarned!"

Ask him if he's made out his Will yet-- not because, you know, you think something might happen to him-- you're just curious. Offer to go through the Riddle mansion putting little nametags on the furnishings so he'll know which stuff you'd like.

Be sure to ask him often, "Are you dead yet?... How 'bout now?"

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Good Evans - May 24, 2007 2:31 pm (#633 of 694)

LOL this thread just gets funnier...............

Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped picking on Harry Potter and picked on someone your own size?

I've embroidered dark marks in pink, with white edging on all of your robes - I do hope that you will wear them when you are with your friends!

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Mrs Brisbee - May 25, 2007 12:59 pm (#634 of 694)
Edited by May 25, 2007 6:00 am

LOL!And thank you, Liz, for reviving this thread!

Whenever Voldemort voices his displeasure, thump him on the shoulder and say, "You tell 'em, mate!"

Secretly tie a white flag to the tip of Voldemort's wand, then challenge him to a duel. Tell him you bet he's so chicken he's going to surrender before he even gets his first spell off.

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Liz Mann - May 25, 2007 10:08 pm (#635 of 694)

You're welcome, Mrs Brisbee.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jun 4, 2007 10:50 am (#636 of 694)

Those black clothes... that white face... I know, you're a mime! C'mon, do that pulling rope thing!

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Liz Mann - Jun 4, 2007 6:06 pm (#637 of 694)

Then try and trap him in the box.

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John Bumbledore - Jun 6, 2007 4:55 pm (#638 of 694)
Edited by Jun 6, 2007 10:11 am

And now cast reducto on the box.
Create a new spell, Dyslexia Transponere, causing the victim to transpose one letter for another in reading, writing, and speach.

Say hello, Lord "G"oldie.

Then try as hard as he might, he just can get the Ar'g'arda Kada'g'ra curse to work.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jun 7, 2007 2:00 pm (#639 of 694)

Hey boss I have just heard the Death Nibblers' new tounge twister. Try saying Mouldy Voldermort very quickly.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jun 8, 2007 1:54 pm (#640 of 694)
Edited by Jun 8, 2007 6:56 am

And thanks to John Bumbledore, it'll come out as "Mouldy 'G'oldemort" it sounds like "Moldy Goldy Wart" when I say it fast. Heehee, I love the Dyslexia Transponere spell.

Put on a fake Bronx accent: "'Morsmordre'?! Whosis Mo chump, and why'd'ya moider him?"

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Tazzygirl - Jun 8, 2007 8:36 pm (#641 of 694)

LOL! The last two were hilarious!

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Mrs Brisbee - Jun 10, 2007 11:13 am (#642 of 694)
Edited by Jun 10, 2007 4:15 am

Only 40 days left to annoy Voldy!

Hey, I know who you are, you're whatsisface, Lord Snape! Er, you're not? Wait, don't tell me-- it's Draco--Lord Draco! No? Really? Well, you can't be Lucius, he's still in jail. Hang on, I know, you're wearing a dress! you must be that Bellatrix lady!

If you and your LARPing friends don't get out of that graveyard, I'm calling the police!

My Lord, our latest Death Theatre Amateur Production will be The Tragedy of Lord Voldemort, with a musical accompaniment from the world's smallest violin.

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Good Evans - Jun 10, 2007 7:20 pm (#643 of 694)

I've finished the first draft of "Voldemort - the musical" your darkship, there’s a great finishing number with water and dancing death eaters and - oh your just going to love it!!!!!!

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Liz Mann - Jun 10, 2007 10:17 pm (#644 of 694)

Of course, by water I mean a flood that the giant squid causes in order to drown the Death Eaters and save the wizaring world, right before Harry Potter kills you with Gryffindor's sword while you're busy staring at the flood in disbelief that you've lost.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jun 11, 2007 10:53 am (#645 of 694)
Edited by Jun 11, 2007 3:53 am

ROFL! Good Evans, Liz, those are hysterical! The image of Dancing Death Eaters is slaying me...

We just need to rename this play Springtime for Voldemort.

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Tazzygirl - Jun 14, 2007 4:38 am (#646 of 694)

**wipes tear away** Those are great!

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Mrs Brisbee - Aug 11, 2007 4:20 pm (#647 of 694)

Conjure up a large perimeter of yellow tape centered around Voldemort. Refuse to step inside the taped area: "Sorry My Lord, but I sense a Cosmic Bullseye hovering over you, and I'm trying to keep to a safe distance!"

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Good Evans - Aug 12, 2007 5:37 pm (#648 of 694)

I...I...I made this for you LV, it’s not made of elder, actually it's yew, yew, you, get it ?????

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Mrs Brisbee - Aug 13, 2007 5:41 pm (#649 of 694)
Edited by Aug 13, 2007 10:43 am

See, now you're not entirely yewsless, because when it comes to taking out Harry Potter, the question is, 'Yew, and what army?' Get it, get it, get it? I got about a million more of these!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Aug 13, 2007 7:14 pm (#650 of 694)

Why look for the elder wand, wouldn't it be better to get a young one?

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Jenniffler - Aug 27, 2007 5:22 am (#651 of 694)
Edited by Aug 26, 2007 10:25 pm

Hey Voldie, you want to come play Limbo? And then if you want to we can take a train ride. WooWoo!

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Uncle Brad - Sep 13, 2007 2:30 am (#652 of 694)

My lord, I know your plan is for me to take your place in the battle at Hogwarts using the polyjuice potion, but have you actually looked at that stuff. I mean, really. I would rather scrape the stuff off my shoes and mix it up than drink that! And I just finished walking through Malfoy's aviary! Really, you must think I'm nuts to want to drink that slop!

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Mrs Brisbee - Sep 14, 2007 6:00 pm (#653 of 694)

LOL!-- and ewwww!

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Liz Mann - Sep 14, 2007 6:51 pm (#654 of 694)

LOL, Uncle Brad!

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Good Evans - Sep 15, 2007 12:12 pm (#655 of 694)

Do you like my sweater? Auntie Molly knitted it for Christmas, I might be able to get one for you, maybe with a nice little sequinned pattern of your face on the front, red eyes and no nostrils? What do you think? No?

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 1, 2007 4:04 pm (#656 of 694)

My Lord, I heard you're seeking a good wand to use to defeat Harry Potter. Mine's excellent quality, you can use it. Here, want it? Snatch it away. "Can't have it! Nah, I was just kidding! you want it?" Snatch it away again. "Can't have it!"

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 10, 2007 10:56 am (#657 of 694)

You know, I bet if we pinned a tail on you, you'd look just like one of Lucius's peacocks.

(For extra fun, sneak up on Voldemort when he's not looking and really pin a peacock feather tail on him.)

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John Bumbledore - Oct 10, 2007 5:46 pm (#658 of 694)

Mrs Brisbee, Now I thought the game to play would be "pin the nose on Voldy!"

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 11, 2007 12:37 pm (#659 of 694)
Edited by Oct 11, 2007 5:37 am

John, but then Voldy would see you coming! Which would qualify it for Things Never To Do To Lord Voldy, but I also suspect it would be an exceptionally short-lived game.

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 22, 2007 2:35 am (#660 of 694)
Edited by Oct 22, 2007 2:38 am

My Lord! I wasn't expecting you.... Guess it was a bit premature to hang up that 'DING DONG THE DARK LORD'S DEAD' banner, huh?

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Herm oh ninny - Oct 22, 2007 4:21 pm (#661 of 694)

My Lord, the rest of the Death Eaters and I chipped in and bought you this "I Heart Muggles" T-shirt.

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Uncle Brad - Oct 22, 2007 11:50 pm (#662 of 694)

They were all out of the "Dumbledore for Minister" shirts.

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Mrs Brisbee - Oct 23, 2007 2:23 am (#663 of 694)

Fortunately, they had just got in a big shipment of 'Don't Blame me, I voted for Dumbledore' T-shirts, enough for us all to wear to our next meeting!

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Phelim Mcintyre - Oct 23, 2007 12:13 pm (#664 of 694)

Hallowe'en is coming and we really need you to do better with your costume that last year my Lord.

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Herm oh ninny - Oct 24, 2007 5:05 pm (#665 of 694)

Snape- "My lord, it seems that I was mistaken about the prophecy. It said 'The one with the power to dance with the Dark Lord approaches...'"

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Uncle Brad - Oct 31, 2007 1:41 am (#666 of 694)

We found you the perfect costume this year - a nice pink bunny suit, complete with long ears and a cute little tail. The Muggle who sold it to us said something about going and going and going so we knew it was just right for you. It even has a cute little drum for you to pound.

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Uncle Brad - Nov 3, 2007 12:03 am (#667 of 694)

(From a Muggle...) Hey you, Halloween is over - take off that mask. You're scaring the kiddies.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Nov 3, 2007 9:56 am (#668 of 694)
Edited by Nov 3, 2007 9:56 am

*sings* I get no kick from champagne. Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all, so tell me why should it be true that I get a kick out of you.

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legolas returns - Nov 3, 2007 10:04 am (#669 of 694)

I love you and want to settle down with you and have a family. You dont need those silly death eaters any more.

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Good Evans - Nov 5, 2007 1:01 pm (#670 of 694)

what would you like for christmas LV? started thinking about it yet.... no-ooo I dont think I can give you "wizarding world domination" - how about a nice jumper instead? I could get a transfer of your face put on it for you, maybe with "kiss me quick" written underneath?? no?

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Puck - Dec 3, 2007 6:20 pm (#671 of 694)

I heard a rumor you're on the "bad" list. Better clean up your act is you want anything other than coal.

sing "You better to kill. You better not maim. Torturing muggles is very lame. Santa Claus is coming, to town."

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Ticker - Dec 23, 2007 6:16 am (#672 of 694)

Well, I certainly didn't hang the mistletoe from your hat & there's no way I'll tell you who did...

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James Greenfield - Dec 25, 2007 8:24 am (#673 of 694)

If you could just treat Muggles like I learned to treat Whos, everything would turn our all right, said the Grinch.

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 9, 2008 7:42 pm (#674 of 694)

LOL!-- you guys are great. And welcome back, Ticker!

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Ticker - Jan 10, 2008 12:05 am (#675 of 694)

Thanks Mrs. Brisbee! I had hoped to see you around.

(Overheard at the Death Eater's dinner table on Dec 31st...)

So... what if we break with tradition this New Year and honestly share something we appreciate about the person on your left. Bootlicking abilities & making good inferi fodder shouldn't count this year. OK. Who wants to start us off?

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Puck - Jan 20, 2008 8:54 pm (#676 of 694)

Well, I appreciate Voldie, here, for how good looking the rest of us seem in comparison.

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Mrs Brisbee - Feb 19, 2008 3:56 pm (#677 of 694)

And I appreciate "Lord Voldemort", here, for reminding me how right I was to never adopt a pretentious nickname.

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Uncle Brad - Feb 22, 2008 1:50 am (#678 of 694)

I appriciate Peter Petigrew. No matter what happens, he makes any Death Eater look good.

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Ticker - Feb 24, 2008 7:27 pm (#679 of 694)

(Oh you guys are too funny!)

I appreciate Mulciber. By shrinking his head in the Time Bell Jar, he has clearly demonstrated that youth & beauty don't necessarily go hand in hand.

(I don't know if it was actually Mulciber, but couldn't find any other info about who it was. I just randomly assigned the accident to him.)

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Mrs Brisbee - Feb 25, 2008 3:34 pm (#680 of 694)

I appreciate all those ambitious suck-up Death Eaters who became Voldie's "favorite", only to have him turn around and bite them, because now I'm sure that my general strategy of goofing off and turning in false progress reports is actually pretty sound.

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Swedish Short-Snout - Mar 11, 2008 8:29 pm (#681 of 694)

I can't believe I just read this whole thread... I appreciate Bellatrix, for making me seem sane and not obsessed at all in comparison. You're next, Cuthbert.

Cuthbert the Dementor: I appreciate all Death Eaters who broke out of Azkaban for doing so. No offence, mates, but your feelings taste like crap.

More things not to say to Voldemort:

So, Tommy, did you get Wormtail anything for Valentine's Day this year?

My Lord, I've ordered you a copy of Rita Skeeter's new book. It's called 'You-Know-Who: Powerful Dark Lord or Pathetic Dim Loser'.

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Orion - Mar 28, 2008 10:21 pm (#682 of 694)

Pureblood? Pureblood??? My grannie went to Little Hangleton Comprehensive with your dad, mate.

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Herm oh ninny - Mar 31, 2008 5:11 pm (#683 of 694)

Well, I don't know about you Voldie, but I think this 'Pure Blood' thing is just a fad.

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Swedish Short-Snout - Mar 31, 2008 5:33 pm (#684 of 694)

Why don't we just skip this pure-blood ideology and go for pure hearts instead?

I heard a rumour that Nagini is your half-sister. Is that true? Because, you know, you do look like a snake.

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James Greenfield - Apr 10, 2008 7:55 am (#685 of 694)

Happy birthday, Tom. Here's a vial of anti-venom, just in case.

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Uncle Brad - Apr 13, 2008 2:19 am (#686 of 694)

(In the form of a taunting chant, repeated until the AK's start flying...)

Tom, Tom, the Muggle's son - Couldn't beat Potter cause he's just plain dumb

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PeskyPixie - Jul 1, 2008 5:46 am (#687 of 694)

So, I hear your dad's a Muggle.

(Sorry if it's already been posted by someone else - I haven't read them all yet. )

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Ticker - Jul 15, 2008 4:50 pm (#688 of 694)

See here my Lord, the Daily Prophet says a motion has been passed to make July 21st an official wizarding holiday. Won't that be nice?

(No problem PeskyPixie - I have read them all but can't remember. )

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PeskyPixie - Jul 18, 2008 2:17 am (#689 of 694)

... never give him a book of riddles for his birthday.

Hi Ticker. I just got around to reading these (they're ROTFL!) and felt it was a shame that this thread hasn't been in use for a while.

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Orion - Aug 9, 2008 8:44 pm (#690 of 694)

Michael? Michael Jackson??? Oh, I'm your biggest fan! Can I have an autograph?

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Puck - Dec 27, 2008 3:50 am (#691 of 694)

ROFL!!! I'm old enough to remember Michael Jackson and his nose!

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Mrs Brisbee - Jan 10, 2009 6:40 am (#692 of 694)

Welcome to our new Voldemort-themed cafe! Today's specials are the Imperius Curry and a fresh Avacada Salada. And just for showing your enthusiasm by coming in costume, have a Crucioccino on us!

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John Bumbledore - Jan 30, 2009 9:15 pm (#693 of 694)

Tom, Use a tissue or they'll be calling you the "Boggie Man!"

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Mrs Brisbee - Mar 25, 2009 2:07 am (#694 of 694)

You know, you're really scaring people. To help put them at ease, I've taken the liberty of dressing you in this lace trimmed robe, vulture-topped hat, and big red handbag.[/color]