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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews

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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 6:58 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 25, 2003 1:41 am (#19 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 18, 2003 9:55 pm (#157 of 213)

I have a treat for all the STUFFED people out there an exclusive this week is!!!

MARTIN MIGGS THE MAD MUGGLE in: DUUUDE, WHERES MY OWL?

The door slammed. ‘What is it Egburt?’ ‘Its……Its….MARTIN MIGGS AGAIN!!’ **:thundercrash**: ‘No!’

It all started the day before Martin was in his living room playing the fiddle when an owl flew by. Not just any own though this one looked like a flying feather duster. And it came right for Martin!

After waking up martin studied the owl. ‘Hey’ he thought aloud ‘There’s a letter attached to this’ Upon opening he saw….To Mum, I think that Errol has had it. Gramps said he is old and he used him in Hoggy also but gosh Ma! Can’t you get a new bird? This one ruins breakfast every morning.

You son, Ron


Martin looked for an address ‘No address? Weird’ he said. The he remembered that there was an odd family living a few miles down the road. He put on his Boots and started walking down to the old house.

Mrs. Weasley answered the door ‘YOU! AGAIN??? Well thanks for the feather duster. OBLIVIATE!!! 10th time this week’ she muttered.

THE STINKING END (to be continued maybe)
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Urg the Unclean - More from the Field

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:01 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 25, 2003 1:42 am (#20 of 179)

Boss, sorry I haven't been in touch for a few days but I'm kind of on the run. I was going home a few days ago and had just turned the rock to my cave when I saw a long line of unicorns marching up and down with signs pinned on their horns. I didn't mind the ones with MURDERER in big letters but there were two youngsters together with signs that said OWN UP and COME CLEAN and that sent shivers through me. I was going to brazen it out but then I saw one standing there staring at where I'd buried the hooves.

Anyway, I'm using the name Antwok the Twisted temporarily. He's in Tasmania giving courses in 'planning an unexpected raid' and 'silent maiming' and shouldn't be back before spring. I'll be in touch after I've been down to The Loot Exchange to see if they have any recording equipment.

Antwok (you know who)

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 25, 2003 1:44 am (#21 of 179)

I'm convinced the Bane interview is a no go. I heard that things were being set up in a glade I know so I went along to see. It was a trap!

There was this ginger bearded centaur standing there having some makeup applied but I'm sure someone called him Amos. Then I noticed the back end shuffling around and you could distinctly hear a voice complaining about fresh air around his privates. At first I thought it was this vex hex that's going around but then this Amos said rather sharply "Be quiet, Archie."

There was quite a gang of them I realized, all controlled by this Lunai Koru person. I tried to sneak off but I was spotted. Koru shouted "After him!"

Well! I've never loped so fast in my life. I couldn't shake them off. How this Archie & Amos kept it together I'll never know. I thought I could lose them in a muggle town nearby but as fast as I dodged in and out of the people there was this pseudo centaur cantering along gaining on me. I had to dive in a movie house and stay there until I was convinced they'd gone.

I sat through The Two Towers seven times. It was most depressing. Talk about rewriting history. Have you ever wondered what an american indian feels seeing a western movie? I don't ever want to go again.

If you can think of a nice quiet interview I could do to make up my hours, I'd appreciate it.

You Know Who
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Ghouls Gone Wild

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:03 pm

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megfox - Apr 26, 2003 1:11 am (#22 of 179)

Date: 2/23/03 To: Mr. Sam I Am

From: Ghoul's Gone Wild

Re: Interview with the Weasley's Ghoul

cc: Interviewee - Mr. Unclean

To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Sir:

I was recently approached by a member of your organization in order to schedule an appointment to conduct an interview with a certain ghoul in my employ located at a residence known as "the Burrow". As you know, Ghouls Gone Wild is an international wizarding entertainment sensation, and we would certainly love keeping your STUFFED members full.

I have heard rumors of some possible legal issues concerning your correspondent, re; the disappearance of a member of the Dark Forest Centaurs, but seeing as how my employee is currently not a member of the Living, I can foresee no pressing issues with allowing an interview. If you would like to continue the scheduling process, please contact me via owl mail at meggypoo18@msn.com at your earliest convenience.

Should you have an questions, I can be reached by telepathy, floo powder, and the above owl mail address as well.

Yours in causing havoc,

Meg Leitch

Supreme Ghoul and Heiress

Ghouls Gone Wild
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Antwok the Twisted: On Assignment in Ottery St. Catchpole

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:06 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 1:46 am (#23 of 179)

This is Antwok the Twisted, on assignment near the village of Ottery St Catchpole where we can expect some incredible revelations from a witness to some of the bizarre occurrences surrounding Harry Potter's best friend, Ron Weasley. The occupants of this unplotted residence declined admission to your faithful reporter giving some credence to the swirling rumours that Harry and Ron have developed a strategy to deal with the dark forces building against them.

Twice now I've been attacked by two vicious looking red haired henchman. On the first occasion, on the pretext of making me welcome they turned me into a large yellow bird by feeding me a spiked custard tart and on the second occasion I was hoisted by my ankles and spun rather vigorously then I was let go whereupon I flew over a hedge into an adjoining field.

What are these people hiding? Why the secrecy? Why the brutality to representatives of the public at large? W.W.N. will bring you the answers.

I am now crouching on a crosspiece of a drainpipe outside an attic window where my contact is concealed. I have knocked & I hear him approaching. (sound of window creaking open).

Urg: Hi! I'm Urg th ... I mean Antwok the Twisted.

Contact: I'm a ghoul.

Urg: Just as I was led to believe. Now ....

Contact: Ghoul di oulll.

Urg: We'll try to be quick about this. It's rather uncomfortable holding a microphone with one hand and a down pipe with the other.

Contact: I'm a ghoul.

Urg: Been there. Done that. Now I'd like to ask ....

Contact: Ghoul di oullll.

Urg: Let's just get to the point before someone sees me up here.

Contact: AND I'LL EAT YOU FOR MY SUPPER!

Urg: Aaagh! **sound of crashing and breaking branches** Well, dear listeners ....

Voice in distance: There he is again. Get him Fred.

Second Voice: I'm on him. I'm on him. Hey! Come here you.

Urg: This is Antwok the Twisted signing off from the beautiful village of Ottery St Catchpole bringing you news you can use. Agh! Oh! Ouch! Stop that. Not my ankles. Not my .... **sound of loud thump**

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 1:47 am (#24 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Mar 10, 2003 7:52 am (#190 of 213)

Urg?.....Urg?...Uh we seem to have lost the contact. Wait!

Fzzz* Hey Fred!

Voice 2: Yea?

Voice 1: What is this?

Voice 2: Dunno.  A muggle wand?

Voice 1: Uh . ..  wanna show it to dad?

Voice 2: NO WAY! Remember what happened last time with that Muggle Shredder device Dad called a Bendler?

Voice 1: Don’t remind me....who picked up the pieces of poor Bonga?

Voice 2: We fed her to Errol

Voice 1: Hey! Great Idea! Feed it to Errol  - - he eats anything!!!

Voice 2: Oy! Errol, here.  Try this.

fzzzreeeap Who? Crnch Munch Whzzsrrpp*

Uh Boris!! Go get Urg and get a new mic....*sigh* 8th one this week....
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Urg the Unclean - From the Field III

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:08 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 1:50 am (#25 of 179)

Boss, it's You Know Who. I might be on to something. Ever heard of a Ludo Bagman? Fat little guy, gone to seed? I've been tailing him for days. He got on the wrong side of some of our boys and had to do a runner. I don't know the whole story because the only ones who really know are pretty rough, even for our lot.

Anyway, I was down at the St. Mungo's outpatients having my ankles checked over, having a nice gloat about what I would do to Katy if I ever caught up to her (she's the one who recommended 'the nice quiet ghoul interview' you'll remember) when I was shocked out of my reverie by this Morag awful shriek. I recognized Bagman right away. There are wanted posters taped up around some of the pool caverns. He was staring at me and shaking all over. Then he pushed a gurney in front of me and beat it out the door. I knew I'd never catch him with swollen ankles but I managed to keep him in sight for a few blocks as he's so out of shape. But I lost him.

The Disappearing Tree was nearby so I popped in for a mead to think this over. They do a beautiful newt pie at the Tree and it has been one of my hangouts. The place was empty except for Bagman, hiding behind a newspaper. I almost missed him but I caught this white blur from the front page picture and saw it was another big article on Unicorns Against Violence. I must have unthinkingly ducked because suddenly I realize I'm stooped over staring at these black and yellow striped socks. Bagman ran for it again. And that's how it's been for several days. There's only so many places to go when you're trying to keep a low profile and we both keep hitting the same places.

Now I can interview this guy. He's been racing off as soon as I appear but today he's slowed right down. This morning at The Loot Exchange he was practically stumbling going out the back door and this afternoon at Muckey's where they do the great goat liver, he just sighed and shuffled off with his head hung down. I don't believe he's slept since St. Mungo's. So I'm sure I can get him to talk. The trouble is I have no idea what to ask him. My mind is a complete blank on who he is except that Fingo's boys are looking for him and I don't really want to get into that. Can someone go through the archives and run me up a check list? I'll call in at the end of the week. I'm just off to The Hundred Acre Wood for a little R & R.

_____________________________________

Carina - Apr 28, 2003 1:57 am (#26 of 179)

Carina - Mar 17, 2003 9:27 pm (#200 of 213)

I said it before and I'll say it again:

YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM ANY CHUBBIE LITTLE CUBBIES OR YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME AND MY BUNNY RABBIT!!!

Sam, this goes DOUBLE for you as his boss!

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 3:46 am (#27 of 179)

**Urg licks his lips while keeping a straight face**
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Special Report: Orange Leprechauns!

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:10 pm

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Ticker - Apr 29, 2003 1:54 am (#28 of 179)
Edited by Apr 28, 2003 6:55 pm

Orange Leprechauns cause waves of anger across Ireland.

Muggle conflicts have rarely brought division into Ireland's Magic community as harshly as recent events. By Monday 11 am, the lack of visible leprechauns was clearly disturbing, but not nearly as upsetting as the reason behind their reticence.

"Some bugger had switched all me clothes - not a shred of green in the whole house. How could I show me face?"

This sentiment was shared by the little men all across the nation, who did not peek out of their hiding places until late afternoon.

"Eh, ye canna keep me from findin' a wee bit o' pleasure this day, o' all days!" said Patty O'Carolan, wearing his tiny suit of orange. "E'en if the beer isn' green anymore, she does the trick."

Apparently, not all leprechauns were as inclined to drown their woes. Muggles in various northern towns, reported bizarre orange "clouds" forming obscene shapes in the sky. Young witches & wizards were more than disappointed when finally catching a surly orange leprechaun, they were presented a single Galleon with a bite taken out of it.

"We canna be sure o' the luck we'll be havin' now," sobbed one young witch.

Ministry officials again refused to comment other than to express their deep regret to the leprechaun community and to say they are doing everything possible to apprehend those responsible. Prime suspects include those who have had threats from the IRA and those responsible for the recent Vex Hex.

"If this is someone's idea of a joke, it is decidedly off-color," says Gwen Flaharty of Co. Donegal.


_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - Apr 29, 2003 3:19 am (#29 of 179)
Edited by Apr 28, 2003 8:20 pm

“Well it's obvious, isn't it?” Hermione said exasperatedly.

“What is?" said Harry and Ron together.

Hermione gave them a scathing look. "Who's causing all this trouble in Ireland, of course."

“Well, are you going to tell us?” asked Ron, “Or do we need to read 'A History of Hogwarts' to find out?"

Hermione smiled. "Voldemort!"

Ron winced while Harry smiled back at Hermione. "And why Voldemort?" he asked.

“Will you both stop saying his name?” cried Ron.

“Well,” Hermione said, "Voldemort loves snakes doesn't he? And Ireland hasn't had any for centuries. Everyone knows that. Or anyone who's read 'How the Irish rejected Salazar Slytherin' does."

“Just you, then.” said Ron.

Harry smiled. "No wonder you're the greatest witch of your age.
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Investigative Reports: Unrest Among Dark Forest Creatures

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:15 pm

_____________________________________

Caitlin McCoy - Apr 30, 2003 10:34 pm (#30 of 179)

This is Lunai Koru of Romania.

I have been fielded the invitation made by one Urg the Unclean to Bane of the Dark Forest Centaurs (Dark Forest, England) concerning an interview, during which the astronomical forces dictating the actions of the Dark Forest Centaurs concerning recent events in the Wiazarding World, i.e. the apparent re-arising of Lord Voldemort.

During our investigation into Mr. Unclean, it was brought to our attention that Mr. Unclean was the last person to see Ronan, another of the Dark Forest centaurs, alive. It is also believed that Mr. Unclean may consumed Ronan. This is currently being looked into by the proper authorities.

Furthermore, Bane has agreed to an interview with Urg the Unclean on the condition that there be two other persons present: the first of which being myself and the second person (yet to be determined) who will be licensed by the British Ministry of Magic to terminate Mr. Unclean should it become apparent that he wishes to consume my client, Bane.

Sincerely,

Lunai Koru

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Caitlin McCoy - Apr 30, 2003 10:35 pm (#31 of 179)

TO: Mr. Sam I. Am, General Manager, WWNterviews WWN International Headquarters, London, England

FROM: Ms. Lunai Koru, British Director, Centaur Public Relations Office Bucharest, Romania


Dear Mr. Am,

I have already left a voice message with your front office concerning the interview to take place between Mr. Urg the Unclean and Bane of the Dark Forest Centaurs (Dark Forest, England).

In this message I indicated that, although there are some series issues concerning Mr. Unclean and the last known whereabouts of Ronan of the Dark Forest Centaurs (now believed to be deceased), Bane is still willing to interview with Mr. Unclean, under certain specified conditions.

These conditions have been modified since the voice message. The current stipulations are the following: 1) The interview must be held in a place known to be public by Wizarding standards. 2) There are to be two other persons present at the interview, the first of which being myself, to ensure Bane's saftey during said interview. 3) The second person (yet to be named) will be chosen my myself, my client (Bane), the British Ministry of Magic and WWN International. Said person will have complete authority given to him/her by the British Ministry of Magic to terminate either said interview or Mr. Urg the Unclean (at his/her discretion) should it become apparent that Mr. Unclean wishes to do bodily harm to my client.

In closing, I should like to make it understood that neither myself, my client, nor my Public Relations office has any wish to seem discriminatory against Mr. Unclean due to the fact that he is an Goblin; indeed, such precautionary measures would not even need to be taken were it not for the current investigation underway concerning Mr. Unclean and the apparent consumption of Ronan of the British Centaurs.

I should look forward to receiving your reply in this matter.

Respectfully yours,

Lunai Koru

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Urg the Unclean - May 1, 2003 4:52 am (#32 of 179)
Edited by Apr 30, 2003 9:54 pm

Ms. Koru,

Mr. Urg the Unclean has left our employ and moved to parts unknown. All assignments outstanding from Mr.Unclean have been given to his successor, Mr. Unclean.

As you may know Unclean is a very common name in goblin society as is Urg. To have personnel replaced by someone with exactly the same name is, though unusual, somewhat amusing. I assure you that all of us at WWN had quite a chuckle over it.

However, should you meet our new correspondent we would hope that you treat him with the same courtesy our other correspondents receive. You may notice a certain nervousness on his part. This is quite natural with new correspondents and should not be misinterpreted.

Yours benignly

Antwok the Twisted, WWN personnel Dept.
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty WWN Jokes

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:18 pm

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:50 am (#33 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Dec 9, 2002 10:55 pm (#29 of 214)

O.k. will have a long one soon.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there

Wait you’re an owl too!

Questions: Do Wizards have fire departments? If you eat Magical food do you gain weight? How does the WWN work? Do the Weasley’s live in a muggle town? Do wizards in the U.S. drink coke? When you use floo powder, do you floo or fly? Can a wizard use two wands at once? Did the magical community fight during WWII? Is the Atom bomb dark magic that was released by mistake to muggles? Am i crazy?

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?

None. they use candles!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:51 am (#34 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Dec 21, 2002 10:17 pm (#46 of 214)

OHHHHhhh yea, Thank you Urg! I will be back this week so I didn't lose my job yet Smile.

Nate Davis & SilverTree -  You are STUFFED! all funny comments are welcomed.

P.S. A joke

Two mountaineers were climbing. One fell into a canyon and broke his arms and legs. The man on top yelled 'grab on to this rope with your teeth!' Slowly but surely the hapless man was dragged up 3 feet from the top The man who was pulling the rope called out, “Are you ok?” The man on the rope answered,  “Yes  . . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

have a good week!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:52 am (#35 of 179)

Caput Draconis - Dec 30, 2002 5:29 pm (#62 of 214)

Hello you funny folk.

Did you hear about the death of Harrys optometrist?
He fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

Sorry.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:53 am (#36 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Dec 30, 2002 5:49 pm (#63 of 214)

NO “SORRY!”   that was a good one! Urg told me a good one.

What do you call a Wizard who plays golf? Harry Putter!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:54 am (#37 of 179)

Caput Draconis - Jan 1, 2003 6:19 pm (#64 of 214)

OK ,rettoP.

Why did Dumbledore send Severus to the upholsterer?
To make him a recovered death eater.

Ah well.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:55 am (#38 of 179)

Caput Draconis - Jan 6, 2003 7:14 pm (#71 of 214)

Hello.

Did you hear about the fire in the Hogwarts school uniform factory?

It took several hours to put out the blazers.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:56 am (#39 of 179)

PyroGrl - Jan 18, 2003 5:32 pm (#99 of 214)

Bish is short for "bishie", which (I think) means cute in Japanese...

You shall not escape! ...SPLAT!

Hermione: You suck, Malfoy!

Malfoy: Ooo! A distraction! Doo dee doo...

Dumbledore: Harry has destroyed the monster, everyone! Let's all be happy!

Malfoy: I'm giddy. How many times must Dobby kill Harry Potter before he goes home?

Malfoy: Sticks, stones, vacuums and brooms, send Harry flying across the room!

Harry: Snakes, lizards, dirt and grass, force Malfoy to fall on his fat--

Malfoy: Speaking of snakes, say hello to Mr. Slithers!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:57 am (#40 of 179)

PyroGrl - Jan 18, 2003 5:36 pm (#100 of 214)

Ron: **using Floo Powder**  Burn me up, Scottie!
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Inter-Office Communications

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:21 pm

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:10 am (#54 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 5, 2003 2:59 pm (#134 of 214)

To Mr. Ugh the Ingrate:

First the paper bag was your idea. Second if you would shower more often maybe it might help your cause. The Weird Sisters have a fully female staff, I doubt they will let you in.

But I will say you are a tireless loyal worker so I will give you a raise is a Sickle a week. good? Oh and I'll install a shower free in your cave. And you should think about taking Personal Hygiene again, contact a local middle school for that.

Your Big Kahoona

Sam.

P.s. Scrub behind the ears, and did you ever hear of Oxy swabs?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:11 am (#55 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 5, 2003 4:22 pm (#135 of 214)

OK! The sickle does it. You know how to appeal to goblins. I must correct you on the paper bag though. I only suggested the bag because you were insisting I wore a Liberace mask left over from a 1959 halloween party the station held.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:13 am (#56 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 5, 2003 7:57 pm (#136 of 214)

Fine! Deal! Hey Boris! You get a raise too I'm feeling charitable...wait you don’t know a sickle from an iceicle..Here take the last butterbeer.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:14 am (#57 of 179)

Nine - Feb 6, 2003 6:02 pm (#137 of 214)

You guys are great. I love this thread, yrraH and Urg.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:16 am (#58 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 7, 2003 9:32 pm (#138 of 214)

Don't encourage him, Nine. He's a tyrant.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:17 am (#59 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 8, 2003 6:34 pm (#139 of 214)

Your boss is watching.......

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:17 am (#60 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 9, 2003 2:25 pm (#142 of 214)

OK Sam, I got your follow up message after the Ronan mishap. You used rather strong language but I do admit it was at the very least unfortunate. Anyway, as you suggest I'll try to redeem myself with the latest assignment.

Now as I understand it I'm to contact a goblin named Bob the Barker who's supposed to be an expert on greed and knows a lot about people who want something for nothing. None of the people I know have ever heard of him Sam but I did some checking and found a Bob Barker who lives in a place called La. My uncle Odvog says this is short for La La Land but I don't know for sure. I phoned Bob the Barker but all he would say is "COME ON DOWN! LET"S MAKE A DEAL!"

Is this the right guy, Sam? I tried to explain to him I don't have any authority to make deals that I haven't even got to number forty on the correspondents' list but he kept repeating over and over "COME ON DOWN!"

I know it doesn't look good to ask for further instructions but as you pointed out to me I'm on thin *expletive* ice and I can't afford to make any more mistakes. I'll go to LA if that's what you want and I will (gulp) take a shower if you think that will help but it is ten to twelve days of solid loping as I understand it and it would be a shame to go all that way for nothing.

Your loyal and chagrinned correspondent,

Urg

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:18 am (#61 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 9, 2003 9:08 pm (#143 of 214)

Hey Burg chill out a bit....you aint gonna be fired so fast, I mean face it who is gonna eat all the gnomes if you leave?? Who's gonna get all the rats and stuff for dinner? And who is going to scare the sales men away?? I must tell you Unger you are invaluable I may even give you another raise soon.

All the Best

Your Drunk Boss

Sam

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:19 am (#62 of 179)

Nine - Feb 13, 2003 5:07 pm (#147 of 214)

Dear Ms. Lunai Koru, Mr. Sam I Am,

I would like to make a recommendation considering the second witness to the possible interview with Bane the centaur. I recommend Rita Skeeter, who is entirely capable of ruining a person's reputation if they do anything that potentially creates a good article. She has the ear of most of the wizarding world through her articles in the Daily Prophet, and her ability to destroy a reputation would strongly discourage bad behavior on anyone's part, as it could lead to the person being lynched or shunned.

The only difficulty with this is that Ms. Skeeter can only write such an article with a special dispensation from Ms. Hermione Granger, for reasons which I am not permitted to disclose. However, if this dispensation is granted, she could be a very useful second witness.

Best wishes for the interview and survival of all participants,

Nine

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:20 am (#63 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 13, 2003 7:33 pm (#148 of 214)

Sam, it looks like the Bane interview might go through. I was just wondering. Do we have liability insurance?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:21 am (#64 of 179)

B]Lenka[/B] - Feb 20, 2003 11:10 am (#159 of 214)

Dear Antwok,

COME CLEAN? That might have been Agin (my unicorn, you know...). I'll have a word with him if you want me to. He's really not a bad chap, he's just a bit rude at times. Hope you didn't harm him. BTW, you'll better hide somewhere, I've heard the paegasi and the forest-elves are searching the forests around Hogwarts for you. It might just be rumours, but you better watch out. I'd suggest you take this (hands you a magical box) and send us frequent telegraphs with it about your location and the overall situation of your life. We'll all stay on the intercepting part of the wire.

Don't let the forest creatures spoil you mood. Smile

Ellen McAnich

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:21 am (#65 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 20, 2003 7:07 pm (#160 of 214)

You were supposed to save the hooves for me, Never mind though. Ellen we are not any were close to hoggwarts youll never catch us BWHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHHA*cough*

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:22 am (#66 of 179)

Lenka - Feb 21, 2003 8:44 am (#161 of 214)

Too bad...

Never mind, though, as I hope being far from hogwarts doesn't make you lose a sense of humor Smile

Ellen

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:23 am (#67 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 21, 2003 9:47 am (#162 of 214)

*gack* **:chokes on a hoof**:
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Suspicious Activity

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:22 pm

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:26 am (#68 of 179)

Denise S. - Feb 28, 2003 6:27 pm (#180 of 213)

Sam--

I'm not sure whose department this is, but someone today sent me the very worrisome picture you can see on the left. It was sent via muggle post, and inside was a typewritten note saying:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am getting very tired of this situation. I have put up with suspicious winged, golden balls breaking my windows. I have kept my mouth shut when strange eagle-horses play target practice with my automobiles. But this incident in late spring of 1991 has driven me beyond all sanity. How many times have you promised compensation for unfortunate occurrences" only to fall through with them? To whichever one among you is in charge, I suggest the compensation is made, or else our 'moggle' world will suddenly have some very newsworthy events to report."

As you can see, the enclosed photo is quite clearly and unmistakably something from our community. Sam, how could Dumbledore let it leak that he is the Giant Squid? I thought he would have known better than to stay in his animagus form when he hurried over to the Ministry of Magic. And how long has the wizarding world been in contact with this muggle? (They even are picking up on our terminology, Sam!) We must find a way to shut them up, or else our cover will be blown--and Voldemort might find the secret passage under Hogwarts!

Please get back to me ASAP!

Priscilla Pretsch

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:27 am (#69 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Mar 2, 2003 3:34 am (#181 of 214)

Those damn Scotts playing Quiddagolf! No aim what so ever. I'll send Urg to eat a few.

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:28 am (#70 of 179)

Diagon Nilly - Mar 2, 2003 6:46 pm (#182 of 214)

I prefer Miniature Quiddagolf myself. They always make the cup on the 9th hole unplottable, so it's a great challenge!

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:30 am (#71 of 179)

Denise S. - Mar 2, 2003 6:54 pm (#183 of 214)

Sam, I believe the Muggle was making a reference to the snitches used by Hogwarts quidditch teams, but is it also possible that students have snuck outside the castle boundaries to play quiddagolf? If so, the situation could easily be worse than previously suspected.

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:31 am (#72 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Mar 2, 2003 8:14 pm (#184 of 214)

Wow! No matter where you go its eyes follow you around the room.

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:32 am (#73 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Mar 3, 2003 8:41 am (#185 of 214)

We are gonna have to speak to the Squid about this.
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty At Flourish & Blotts

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:24 pm

_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - May 6, 2003 3:33 am (#74 of 179)

I thought I would interview Hermione Granger so to prepare myself I went to Flourish & Blotts to obtain a copy of Hogwarts, a History. It was almost another disaster but ended up turning out quite well. By good fortune I was playing with my tape recorder in my pocket (actually, to keep a pleasant demeanor I was pretending to be Frodo who is supposed to have the most gentle disposition) and I must have turned it on. Here's what happened:

Clerk: Good morning! Good morning! Beautiful day.

Urg: Yes.

Clerk: I suppose you want a book on banking ....

Urg: No. Actually I want ....

Clerk: Accounting?

Urg: No, I ....

Clerk: Ah! Then you must want ....

Urg: HOGWARTS! A book of Hogwarts.

Clerk: Hogwarts? I don't think I could let you have one of those.

Urg: Why not? I just want to read up on the place.

Clerk: Yes. Yes. I'm sure ... hmmm. How about one of these?

Urg: One of what?

Clerk: This beautiful book on invisibility.

Urg: Now look. Don't try that on me, you ....

Clerk: No! No! We've just found them you see. Special order from eight years ago but then we couldn't find them and ....

Urg: Who do you think I am? You point to an empty shelf telling me to try one of those ....

Clerk: Not at all. My good goblin. These books are priceless. Very rare. Only a galleon and a half.

Urg: Now listen you. I want a book on Granger, a History.

Clerk: Granger?

Urg: Hermione.

Clerk: Hermione?

Urg. NO! NO! Hogwarts.

Clerk: Hermione Hogwarts? I don't recall ever ....

Urg. PLEASE! Please. I just want a book. It's not a special book. It's not a rare book. It's just an ordinary book called Hogwarts a History. This really isn't too much to ask. Please.

Clerk: Oh! You don't want the invisibility book then?

Urg: *in strange high pitched voice* No. No. I just want ... the History of Hogwarts book. If I may. If it wouldn't be too much trouble. *gulp*

Clerk: You wouldn't consider a book on flying?

Urg: *in same high pitch* No.

Clerk: You'd never have to carry it.

Urg: No.

Clerk: Stage magic?

Urg: No.

Clerk: Teaches you how to cut a centaur in half.

Urg: No. No. Please ....

Clerk: Well, don't cry. We'll find just the book for you.

Urg: *sniffs* Why can't I have Hogwarts a History?

Clerk: They're out of print.

Urg: Why didn't you tell me this before?

Clerk: I'm on commission. Hey! Don't look so dejected. Don't rush off. If you come back on Thursday you can have one. How's that?

Urg: *through gritted teeth* How can I get one Thursday if they are out of print?

Clerk: Well, they are being revised. Apparently there's a whole section on house elves that was never included so a new version will be delivered Thursday. And guess what? *beams*

*long pause*

Urg: What?

Clerk: The young Hogwarts student responsible for the updating of the book will be here to sign the first copies.

Urg: Bully.

Clerk: Yes! A book signing with Hermione Granger.

Urg: Hermione Granger? Did you say Hermione Granger?

Clerk: In person.

Urg: I'll see you Thursday then

Clerk: That's my day off. You wouldn't care for the History of Helm's Deep?

*Sound of choking and a door slamming.*
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Test of the Emergency Broadcast System

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:26 pm

_____________________________________

Carina - May 7, 2003 3:36 am (#75 of 179)

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been informed where to tune into your area for information. Of course, if the emergency happened to be the return of You-Know-Who, there's nothing anyone could do anyway, so what's the point? This station serves the Wizarding World area.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programing...
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Our Listeners Call In

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:30 pm

_____________________________________
Urg the Unclean - May 8, 2003 3:31 am (#76 of 179)

Excuse my voice. I have a touch of laryngitis which is why it may seem deep and growly. I am an avid listener off WWN and find your correspondent, Urg the Unclean the most interesting and informative person to listen to. My life would be very dull without his incisive questioning of the shakers and breakers in our troubled world. There was nearly a week when Mr.Unclean was not on air and I was so afraid that perhaps he'd left for a better paying job.

Could you assure me that WWN will do everything in its power to hold onto this likeable and enlightening man? Money should be no object.

Mrs. Wellmet Wattlebird of Canvey Island.

_____________________________________

Madam Poppy - May 8, 2003 5:55 am (#77 of 179)

This is Madam Pomfrey calling from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. I just wanted to say how much I've enjoyed Mr. Unclean's reports. They are clear, concise and frequently funny. I'm sure you are not paying him what he deserves!

I would be interested in your station having a Wizard Travel Program. I'm looking for a place to spend my upcoming summer vacation. Professor Dumbledore had recommended an out of the way beach resort. But he just told me that it has been taken over by a Muggle television show called Survivor.

Keep up the good work WWN!

_____________________________________

Mare - May 8, 2003 9:21 am (#78 of 179)
Edited by May 8, 2003 2:21 am

Hello this is Marè calling from Takkietoekistan. I just called in to say Hi, and I was wondering where your correspondents Mr. Unclean and Mr. Sam I Am have gone. Not that I don't enjoy the astrology programs, but with you former correspondents your programs were far more diverse. Right now, the broadcasting is getting rather ..er...dull. And may I take the opportunity to say Hi to my mum, my niece and the second sister of my hairdresser.

_____________________________________

Denise S. - May 8, 2003 7:39 pm (#79 of 179)
Edited by May 8, 2003 12:41 pm

Uh, hello? Am I on? Hello? ... Ah, okay. Hi.

My name is Denise, I wanted to just say wow, I am such a fan of the centaurs. The way you all came into the story during the Philosopher's Stone fiasco--fantastic.

Bane: *impatient sigh*

Oh, yes, well, I had a question. I, uh, heard a rather disturbing rumor that says that the centaurs, while this Philosopher's Episode was happening, wanted Harry to be...how do I put this...you all wanted him dead. Is this true?

Why would you have wanted the defeater of the Dark Lord to be dead? *quicker and louder* Was it so you wouldn't have any competition? Huh? *yelling* You just didn't want anyone in the way to your own rise to power!? *screaming into the phone* WHAT DEAL DO YOU HAVE WITH VOLDEMORT? COME ON, WE'RE WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!

*pause*

*general shock from all sides*

*clears throat* I mean, um...yes. Thank you very much.


_____________________________________

PyroGrl - May 9, 2003 10:41 pm (#81 of 179)

-clicking noise- Hello?? Sam, you're breaki--Urg, can you hear me? Bane--one? -Bangs on phone- Ah, that's better.

You wanted a question. You'll get a question. In fact, you'll get several. Do you want me to say them all now? Or do you want me to spread them over a certain period of time? Or should I say only one and call a different time? Or should I say them all in one sentence? Which would be better for you? -cracklings noises- You're breaking up again! -BANGBANG- Hello? HELLO? SAM, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! -totally unaware that Sam, Urg, and the centaurs are all crouching in fear fifty feet away from the phone- SAM! URG! CENTAURS! --llo? ANSWER ME FOR VOLDIE'S SAKE! -crackle BANGBANG- There. Problem fixed. Anyway, I stated all my questions above EXCEPT for the last one. Here it is...

Is Dumbledore really the Giant Squid? If he is, then that's bad, because I told the squid EVERYTHING personal about me! EVERYTHING! Even my plans to take over the world! If Dumbly is the Giant Squid, who I've named "Squidward", then I'm in big trouble. So if you could tell me whether or not he's the Giant Squid, that'd be great. Oh, and please edit out the "Plans to take over the world" part before you put it on air.

Sam: Er...sorry Brittany, it's live.

Me: WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S LIVE?! IT CAN'T BE LIVE! I'M IN SOOOOO MUCH TROUBLE NOW!!! AHHH! -click-
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty From Urg - On the Run

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:34 pm

_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - May 9, 2003 11:55 am (#80 of 179)

Boss, it's you know who. I hope you find this note in the box of Mrs. Skower's All Purpose Mess-Remover. I had to bribe an ugly teenage kid, Stan Shunpike to deliver it to WWN. As I'm on a very limited budget (we should learn from this) I had little to bribe him with. I ended up giving him a photo of a tree but he believes it's a picture of a Veela who's just gone off to get into something "more comfortable". He's not too bright.

Anyway, the swellings have gone down and the hoofmarks have now turned yellow so I'm on the mend. I can't believe we allowed a bunch of lower species to overpower us so quickly.

Boss, I've had a rather disturbing thought. Do you remember that series you ran, "how squibs regained their powers"? Well, you had me interview that clown who took some quick course and turned his wife into a yak. If you'll remember, that didn't end too well. I think you had to promise him his own show to keep him quiet. Well, the tape of that interview is probably still in the library. If Bane and his mob find it we're in trouble. They haven't proved anything with Ronan but I think if they got their hoofs on that interview it would be considered circumstantial evidence or precedent setting or something.

If you can get to it in anyway without them seeing, DESTROY it.

Keep your spirits up. I'm planning a counter attack. The real Antwok has returned and I'll meet with him later today.

U the U
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Interview with . . . .Hagrid????

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:36 pm


_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - May 12, 2003 11:23 pm (#82 of 179)

Bane: WWN! Good evening.

Urg: Bane? This is 'Agrid.

Bane: Ah! Hello Hagrid.

Urg: Bane. I'd like you to come back to the forest and leave those poor people ....

Bane: Wait a minute. You don't sound like Hagrid.

Urg: Yes I am. Look! I've got me crossbow 'nd everythin'.

Bane: I can't see a cross bow over the phone.

Voice away from microphone: Sounds like him. That's the kind of thing he'd do.

Bane: Okay! If you're Hagrid, what's your middle name?

Urg: Er! I don't know.

Voice: Yes - sounds just like him.

Bane: Okay! If you're Hagrid, how many centaurs are in the Forbidden Forest?

Urg: Let me see. Well ... none now. You've all gone down to WWN to attack those ....

Bane: Alright! Alright! How many are there normally? (long pause) Come on how many? (whispers) See it's not him.

Urg: Well, Bane. Lots.

Bane: How many? Come on. How many?

Urg: Well, Bane. I'm sorry you had to do this in fron' of so many listeners. I don't know 'xactly. I can't count properly. Not much above twen'y anyways.

Bane: I see. (whispers) I think I've just made a terrible mistake and embarrassed Hagrid on air.

Voice: This is bad. Let's pack it in and go home.

Bane: Hagrid?

Urg: Yes?

Bane: We're very sorry for all that's happened Hagrid.

Urg: 's all righ' Bane. Just come back to the forest.

Bane: We will Hagrid. Our behaviour has been inexcusable.

Urg: Tha's OK. Fang sends his love. He's missin' you 'n all.

Bane: Hagrid. We are all nearly in tears here. We'll leave right away. It's a good night to travel. Mars is bright tonight and ....

Urg: (screaming) You on about that damn Mars again? Don't you realize it's your own stupidity that gets you into trouble all the time? RONAN WAS A ... (pause) Er! (pause) Sorry there, Bane. Fang jus' nipped me ankle. Took me by surprise for the minute. Bane? Bane, you still there?

Bane: I do believe we have MR. Unclean on the line. It is you, isn't it? You ugly little goblin!

Urg: No. I er ... no. It's er (click)

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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty The Futility of Talking to Humans

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:38 pm

_____________________________________

Ticker - May 13, 2003 1:27 am (#83 of 179)

Ticker: Hello? Uh, I'd like your two-topping special with pepperoni & mushroom.

Bane: This is a call in radio show.

Ticker: Oh, OK. Will there still be hot-wings with that?

Bane: No, no you don't understand... you've called WCRAP radio station.

Ticker: Well, then can I replace the wings with breadsticks?

Bane: Listen to me. This is NOT a pizza shop. This is a radio station. We do not take pizza orders.

Ticker: Oh. OK. Well, I'll just take the bread sticks then.

Bane: I'm beginning to understand the futility of talking with humans.

Ticker: Did you need my address?

Bane: No. You can just pay the owl when it's delivered.

Ticker: OK, Thanks. (click)

Bane: I can't believe I've degraded myself to such dishonesty - what am I doing here? Ah, yes - the mission... I must not forget...

Next up, we'll have the soothing sounds of coyotes on a starless night. Just sit back & relax. Don't turn that dial. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors. Of course, that won't be long, since we're down to 2 now...
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty And Now A Word From Our Sponsors . . . .

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:39 pm

_____________________________________

Ticker - May 23, 2003 4:22 pm (#84 of 179)

Heya folks! This is Crazy Ed and I'm here to remind ya'll not to forget your barnyard friends when you go on vacation this year. Many of you remember my show business days as Mr. Ed. One thing I've always tried to emphasize are the needs of barnyard animals. We work hard for you folks & we deserve a little R & R too. You might think our ideal vacation is a little romp in the neighbor's field, but I'm tellin' you, nothing perks us up like a trip to the beach.

And how about those family reunions? Are they really complete without the whole family? Be sure & plan your next vacation with us in mind.

Brought to you by the Society for Work-horse Rights & Barnyard Animal Emotional Wellbeing... AND,... Moby's Full-Family Resorts, located near most of the worlds major attractions, serving all four-footed customers with the dignity you deserve.
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Further Futility . . .

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:41 pm

_____________________________________

Denise S. - Sep 5, 2003 5:20 pm (#85 of 179)
Edited by Sep 5, 2003 10:21 am

Bane: If one listens close enough, the patterns of future disturbances can actually be detected by the ululation patterns of the coyote's--

*Grawp crashes through studio door*

Grawp: WHERE HOWLING FROM?

Bane: Ladies and gentlemen, some idiot let a--holy crap, a GIANT loose on the grounds! *struggling and kicking* No! NO! GET AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE, YOU DISGUSTING GIANT! No, put the--put the desk down, there are no coyotes there--NOT ON ME!!! *crash*

*silence*

...

Grawp: Coyotes hurt ears. Now we hear songs. This my home tribe, Grodan. I sing. Hagger help.

Bane: *groan*


_____________________________________

- Nov 14, 2007 4:51 pm (#86 of 179)

- Nov 14, 2007 4:51 pm (#87 of 179)
empty fields
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Report from Arabella Figg!

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:43 pm

_____________________________________

Blast - Dec 9, 2003 5:56 am (#88 of 179)

This is Arabella Figg reporting from Little Whinging Surrey. Today's  Squib report will be about famous British Squibs in the Muggle World!!

On the Musical side we have Kieth Richards, Ozzie Osborne, David Bowie, and Lemmy. In Politics we have Neville Chamberlin, and Margeret Thatcher.

In the field of Thespians there are Mel Gibson, Sean Connery, Micheal Palin, Marty Feldman, Micheal Cane, John Cleese, and Alan Rickmen. Did you know that Marty Feldman's real last name is Malfoy? Or that Alan Rickman is really Severus Snape's twin brother? No wonder he was so perfect for the part. I have also uncovered evidence that John Cleese is really Nearly Headless Nick's great, great, great, great, great great, grand nephew. Well so much for the Sixty Second Squib update.

Next week we look at Royal Squibs through History.Brought to you each week by The Quickspell Course
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Restoring Service

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:45 pm

_____________________________________

Ticker - Mar 8, 2004 2:16 am (#89 of 179)
Edited by Mar 7, 2004 6:17 pm

**Walks into deserted, mostly demolished studio & taps microphone**

Uh, Sam, Saaaaaammm...

Well, if you can hear me, we still really miss you & want you back...

And, um, about my last paycheck.... it wasn't in the mail...

_____________________________________

Blast - Mar 10, 2004 10:49 pm (#90 of 179)

This is a test, broadcasting may presume in the near future.

_____________________________________

PyroGrl - Apr 7, 2004 4:28 am (#91 of 179)
Edited by Apr 6, 2004 9:29 pm

I step into the office long deserted. The place is, in one word, messy. Papers are scattered and flying everywhere. The desks and shelves are covered with nearly two centimetres of dust. The microphone itself is covered with centaur spit. I sigh and pull out my wand.

Scourgify!

The dust is magically removed, along with dirt and various other items the centaurs left behind after Firenze went to Dumbledore.

Suddenly, the bookcase falls forward, spilling books and various other items it contained. Behind the shelf is the open wall that I assume Grawp stuck his head through. Sighing, I wave my wand at it to pick it back up and put the books back on. That done, I head over to the microphone and tap it twice.

This is a test. I repeat, this is a test. If anyone can hear me, please contact WWNterviews. I repeat, again, this is a test.

I wait for an hour with no sign that anyone heard me. I try to down my disappointment by trying again, this time double-checking that I am on air. Seeing that I am, I make a magical recording of myself saying, "This is a test. If anyone can hear me, please contact WWNterviews. I repeat, this is a test. IF anyone can hear me, please contact WWNterviews."

I sit on a wobbly chair and lean back. "Please, someone hear," I murmur. "Please..."

I wake up, two hours later, to find several owls staring at me with letters attached to their legs.

_____________________________________

Blast - Apr 7, 2004 8:34 pm (#92 of 179)

Ah hi. My name is Archie and I came here to apply for a position as a reporter. I am currently unemployed because in my last job I wouldn't wear the proper uniform, it is not healthy to wear contrictive cloathing like that. I figured that being on the radio no one would care if I worked starkers, which is what I prefer to do. So if you have an opening for a free spirit, please send me an owl. Is the microphone on? Oh it is, umm did I pass the audition?

_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - Apr 11, 2004 12:24 am (#93 of 179)

Urg: OK. Time to clean the place up & get back on air. I'll start removing the busted stuff, Tonks you start putting those parchments back on the shelf.

Tonks: Good. That should be easy. And then I'll ... (crash)

Urg: TONKS! There's enough broken pieces already.

Tonks: (giggles) Reparo!

Urg: Oooh! How did you do that? How come I can't do that?

Tonks: Well Ugh. First you need a wand and seco...

Urg: Give me that. Give me that.

Tonks: No Ugh! You're not allowed. Don't touch it. You'll ... Oh! Merlin.

Urg: Reparo! Reparo! Hey Tonks. Stop snatching. Let me try.

Tonks: Ugh. Just be a good goblin & sit back & relax. Non wizards are not allowed wands. Reparo.

Urg: (mutters) how can i ever become a wizard if i can't have a wand? they get all the best jobs, the best pay, decent housing. ok! so she's got it all neat & tidy but it wasn't as much fun as it could have been if she'd let me have a go. hey! i should find that stan shunpike kid. i bet i'd get his wand with no trouble. (mutters into silence)
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty The WW's Most Travelled Witch

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:47 pm

_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - Apr 13, 2004 2:47 am (#94 of 179)

Urg: Hello once again dear listeners. Full service has been restored at WWN and once again this is Urg the Unclean, your faithful correspondent on remote with none other than Madam Marsh, the amazing travelling witch. Madam how are you?

MM: Wretched.

Urg: Our listeners would love to hear why. Is it something to do with that toadstool soup you're famous for?

MM: Knight's bus.

Urg: Sorry?

MM: The Knight's bus! What's the matter with your ears?

Urg: Nothing's the matter with my ears. I clipped the hairs just this ....

MM: You're still ugly.

Urg: Madam Marsh. Please. We were to talk about your 'Most Travelled Witch' award. The listeners would like ....

MM: Most travelled! Most sick it should have been. Being with you doesn't help.

Urg: Well look, (coughs) er, how many miles have you travelled?

MM: I hate to think about it. I don't want to travel at all, you know.

Urg: So why do you do it?

MM: It's the nerves in my arm, you idiot. Makes the bloody thing jerk. Out it goes. There's the bus. I try to explain but that fool of a kid drags me on and off I go again.

Urg: (aside) I hope you understand this listeners. Personally, I'm at a total loss.

MM: I heard that! Don't you know about the Knight's bus? Why do they let such an ignoramus loose with a microphone?

Urg: Madam Marsh. I've never been on the Knight's bus. I've not been on any kind of a bus. I'd like ....

MM: Listen, shorty. The Knight's bus is a wizard's bus. If you need it you stick out your wand arm and ....

Urg: Well there you are. I'm not a wizard. I'm a goblin. I don't have a wand arm. Hey! Don't poke at me like that.

MM: Aagh! It's my spasms. Look out. Get out of the way.

Big Bang! Sound of screeching brakes.

New voice: Welcome to the Knight's ... Oh! It's you Madam Marsh. Let me help y ...

MM: Get off! Take your hands off me you cretin. I don't want ....

Voice: OK! OK! We'll have you on in a jiffy. There you go.

MM: (faint) It's my arm you foolish boy. Why don't you listen when I ....

Another Big Bang!

Urg: Well! That was Madam Marsh who just received an award for travelling the length of Britain on five thousand consecutive days. I noticed that her assistant was a young man that I met when WWN was having difficulties and who carried messages into the station during that trying time. We will attempt to have Mr. Shunpike, I believe it is on WWN to tell us more of his relationship with this wonderful old witch and explain the workings of the Knight's bus. Until next time this is Urg the Unclean signing off from the side of the M1 motorway near Birmingham.
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Where's the Phone?

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:49 pm

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Ticker - Apr 14, 2004 5:09 pm (#95 of 179)

**Walks through the studio wondering exactly where Urg & Tonks said they cleaned... Hears a phone, but where is it coming from? Pulls out drawers, carefully unstacks piles of parchment (OK, so I knocked 'em on the floor, but who could tell?), opens refrigerator door (gack!), (where is that thing & why is it still ringing?!?), sees the receiver connected to the end of the fire-hose. Raises hammer & cracks glass...**

Ticker: Hello?

Fire Hose: glub, glub, glub

Ticker: Oh hang on, the connection is bad. --Bangs reciever on wall.-- Hello?

Fire Hose: drip, gurgle, SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!

Wet Ticker: Aaaack! OK. Who hooked up the phones?
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Interview with the Weird Sisters' Costume Designer

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:50 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 15, 2004 1:06 am (#96 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean backstage at the Silver Maypole in Hartlepoole. I have with me Verona Pyke, manager and costume designer for The Weird Sisters. Good evening Verona.

VP: MS. PYKE.

Urg: Oh! OK! Good evening Ms. Pyke.

VP: Hurry it up. The girls are offstage in five minutes and we've got a party to go to.

Urg: A party! I'd love ....

VP. Forget it. No one would invite you. Just look at yourself.

Urg: Sorry. I don't know wha ....

VP: Look at those leggings. Baggy in the bum, tight at the knees. The jerkin! I don't remember when I've seen an uglier brown.

Urg: Well! This is the height of fashion in the gobl ....

VP: Here, let me. (ripping sound)

Urg: Stop that. They are only four years old.

VP: And there (rip)

Urg: Hey! I'm happy with the way I ....

VP: And those feet need shaving. Hang on.

Urg: NO! NO! (buzzing sound) Let go of my ankles. Not my ankles.

VP: OK. That's good. Just one.

Urg: What's the matter with you? I've got one hairy foot and one bald one.

VP: That's very you.

(sound of applause, running footsteps and loud giggling)

Voices: "Another one down Verona." "Let's party." "Yes! Let's get out of here. Here, you. Carry this."

Urg: What is this? Hey! What this bag thing with the pipes sticking out? Come back. Hey! I'm not some lackey. Wow! Where did they all go?

Deep threatening voice: Hey! Are you with the weird sisters?

Urg: No I'm ....

Voice: You're supposed to clean up after yourselves. There's a broom there. Get to it.

Urg: But ....

Voice: NOW!

Urg: Well, this is Urg the Unclean ... er, backstage at the er ... sigh!
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Interview with a Muggle

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:51 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 16, 2004 7:43 pm (#97 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean with my most challenging interview to date. Today we are interviewing a muggle who is not cognisant of the magical world. Why should I interview such a boring specimen you ask? Well, today we are testing the truthfullness of one, Harry Potter. The Wizarding world is, of course divided on the accuracy of Mr. Potter's claims so WWN decided to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

I'm now at the muggle London Zoo approaching the reptile house. This office I'm about to enter contains the warden of this detention area who, if Harry Potter is to be believed allegedly witnessed an extraordinary happening five years ago.

Ah! Good morning.

Reptile keeper: Who the bloody hell are you?

Urg: I'm Urg from WWN.

Keeper: What kind of a name is Urg? You foreign?

Urg: No! I ... well yes. Yes. Urg is a foreign name. Now back in nineteen ninety ....

Keeper: What happened to your face?

Urg: My good sir. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ....

Keeper: Its all hairy and misshapen.

Urg: It's ... sigh ... I have a part in a movie to go to as soon as we finish this interview so ....

Keeper: My goodness but they do do a good job. It looks so real. I mean, that nose, off to the side like that. It's wonderful. really wonderful.

Urg: So! The interview. About five years ago you ....

Keeper: You couldn't get me a part in the movie could you? I always wanted to act. I'm a natural, my old mother used to say.

Urg: ... had a large boa constrictor escape from its sealed cage.

Keeper: Oh! You heard about that did you? I thought we'd kept that quiet.

Urg: So could you tell us the circumstances?

Keeper: Well, this is not in response to a complaint is it? No legal action being taken?

Urg: No. Our listeners just wish to verify if it really happened.

Keeper: You got witnesses? A complainant? Someone upstanding willing to testify on oath?

Urg: No. It's nothing like that. A young boy said that when he was ....

Keeper: He's a liar.

Urg: What?

Keeper: He's a damn liar. Nothing of the sort happened.

Urg: A young boy said that the glass front of a Brazilian boa constrictor cage disappeared and the snake slithered out with every intention of going to Brazil.

Keeper: Never happened.

Urg: It called him 'amigo' for heaven's sake.

Keeper: Now there's proof right there that is. Amigo is Spanish and you say the Boa was from Brazil where they speak Portuguese. Sounds like some trumped up story of some little nobody of a kid who wanted to make himself big in the eyes of the world.

Urg: Aha! That's what they say about him.

Keeper: Well, they're right. I seem to remember removing a pane of glass once to replace it with ... er another pane and ... er this kid screaming. All very silly it was. Made his mother a cup of tea and sent them on their way.

Urg: And why were you replacing the glass?

Keeper: We wanted ... um, a stronger one. Bullet proof.

Urg: Bullet proof?

Keeper: Yes. The snake was getting all sorts of death threats. Brazilian terrorists or insurgents I believe.

Urg: Well that makes perfect sense. I'm sure you've resolved a big question for our many listeners. I thank you and will be on my way.

Keeper: Yes. The movie. (getting fainter) I'm a great movie buff myself Urg. I'll look out for you. Hope that ....

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean outside the reptile house of London Zoo. You've heard the eyewitness account of an obviously impartial witness to the tall story that Harry Potter has been repeating. The muggle oozed honesty and forthrightness. Harry Potter is ... well WWN will let you come to your own conclusion.

Voice: Hey dad! Something's escaped. Do something. Do something. Hey dad, come back. Don't leave me.

Urg: This is your devoted correspondent hastily leaving the London Zoo for an urgent appointment elsewhere. (click)
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Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews - Page 2 Empty Fred Crumb, Inventor

Post  Lady Arabella Wed Mar 25, 2015 7:54 pm

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 18, 2004 1:06 pm (#98 of 179)

This is Urg the Unclean continuing in our series of famous British wizards. Today I'm in the atrium of the Ministry of Magic with Fred Crumb, inventor of the inter office memo. Good morning Mister Crumb.

Crumb: good morning.

Urg: You have many inventions to your credit but perhaps the office memo is the one that made you famous.

Crumb: Yes. Caused quite an uproar that did.

Urg: Could you tell our listeners how it all came about?

Crumb: The uproar or the memo?

Urg: Er! Well, both.

Crumb: Yes. Caused quite a stink that one. It all started when You Know Who was at the height of his powers. Very busy time then. Messages back and forth non stop. Owls everywhere in the Ministry. Until someone realized one of 'em was a spy, insinuated into the inner workings by a supporter of You Know Who. Mister Crouch was going spare, he was. Almost brought the place to a standstill. Well, something had to be done.

Urg: It would have. And your brilliant invention brought everything back to normal?

Crumb: Nah! Made it worse. Soon as the owls found out they were being replaced, Hell broke loose.

Urg: Oh! My goodness.

Crumb: Couldn't get into Crouch's office for all the owls blocking the place. Screeching and carrying on. Almost pecked old Barty Crouch to death. What a mess he was. I was personna non gratta for a while, I can tell you.

Urg: But it resolved itself eventually?

Crumb: Yes. Dumbledore came to the rescue again. Offered 'em all jobs up at Hogwarts. the parchment planes took over and peace was restored.

Urg: Wonderful! So tell us, how did you come up with the parchment planes? It is a brilliant idea.

Crumb: Nothing special really. It was a muggle invention I just adapted.

Urg: A muggle inven ... you mean ....

Crumb: Yes. No one wants to admit it but the muggles have come up with all the clever stuff. This plane idea for instance, a Greek lad had that idea hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Now his prototype wasn't the best. Made of feathers and wax I believe. Didn't stand up to sustained flight. But the idea was born Mister Unclean. The idea was there and just sat on the shelf waiting for Mister Wright to come along. (pause) Waiting for Mister Wright. Mister Wright ... get it?

Urg: Get what?

Crumb: (mutters) Goblins. No sense of humor.

Urg: So the owls were gone. The pink parchment planes took over and you were famous.

Crumb: Got a special award for thwarting You Know Who.

Urg: And what happened to the owl spy? Was it ever caught?

Crumb: The ... Oh! My God. The spy. I don't think anyone has thought of it since. It'll be at Hogwarts. I've got to get an owl off to Dumbledore right away. Oh! No. There's no owls here. I'll have to go myself. Now how on earth ....

Urg: One more question ....

Crumb: Can't stop. This is an emergency. (crack)

Urg: Well, there you have it dear listeners. The sound of apparition brings this interview to a close. That was one of Britain's greatest inventors, Fred Crumb who I am told is currently working on a self cleaning cat litter. Until next time, this is Urg the Unclean signing off from the Ministry of Magic.
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