The Daily Prophet

The Daily Prophet

Edited by Oct 10, 2006 5:00 am

Editorial:

Welcome to the Daily Prophet, were you can find all the current news from the Wizarding World straight to your computer screen!

There are currently job vacancies available, if you would like to apply please feel free to do so, because till then, it is just me!

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dudley - Apr 30, 2003 4:07 am (#1 of 46)

Train Disruption Continues

Several young witches and wizards were left waiting for hours today at platform 9 ¾ as the train was once again cancelled on the first day of the summer term at Hogwarts. A statement was released earlier by Wiztrax (formally Magirail) the holding company of the ailing Hogwarts express rail service that there were leafs on the track.

This comes two weeks after the company increased the fares across the board by 20%. Rail boss and entrepreneur, Lucius Malfoy was defiant today that without the proper funding, clearing leafs off the track was too expensive. The Minister of Magic made a statement this afternoon saying that the increase in fares was “in line” with inflation.

When asked, one mother said, “This just has to stop. I remember the good old days when I took the train to Hogwarts, it ran like clockwork…” Cont. page 43.

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dudley - Apr 30, 2003 4:28 am (#2 of 46)

Chudley Cannons Cup Victory?

The Cannons have secured a deal with the Brazilian seeker, Carlos Carlucci, in a record deal allegedly worth over 4 million galleons. His shock transfer from the Irish team, Belfast Belles will certainly strengthen their chances in the cup final next month against the Arrows.

Carlos managed to catch the snitch in 6 successive games to claim victory for the Belles last season. Here’s one reporter who’s putting all his money on the Cannons!

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dudley - May 1, 2003 1:05 am (#3 of 46)

Magical Who?

Gilderoy Lockhart was seen running from a group of angry witches today when he entered a bookstore in downtown Los Angeles. Made infamous by his books on his magical prowess, his books were found to be a fraud after an incident where he lost his memory.

Gilderoy moved to LA last year, the usual haunt for washed up British celebrities. Little did he know the anger he had caused many middle aged witches! One said “I spend two weeks wages on floo powder to come out here. I trusted that man; I even bought his whole line of cosmetics!”

Last seen being chased crying “I don’t have any money to give you”, this reporter says keep your eyes out for him, you may get a reward!

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Cliff Hamaker - May 1, 2003 2:28 am (#4 of 46)
Edited by Apr 30, 2003 7:31 pm


Double, double, cauldron trouble!

How thick should a cauldron be? 5/8? 3/4? 1457/6940? Well, that is the question on every witch and wizard's mind this week as a demonstration at the Annual Witchlette and Wizardling Convention went horribly wrong due to cauldrons that were a shade too thin. "My mommy had 3 arms!" said an excited wizardling. However, he was one of the few who were excited by this disaster.

The Department of Magical Catastrophes was busy for hours getting rid of extra extremities, boils, fur, and turning people back into... well, people. "Never in my life! They told me I'd have purple fur for two weeks. And I've got a banquet to attend!" an elderly witch informed this reporter.

When asked about the incident, the Ministry of Magic deferred this reporter to a lower ranking employee named Weatherby. "I knew this day would come. I knew it. I told my family all summer how important y report on caulron thickness was. But did they listen? Of course not. And another thing...." This reporter then inquired where the flimsy, shallow-bottomed cauldrons were purchased and was informed that they were purchased from foreign markets.

Report continued on page 3

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Cliff Hamaker - May 2, 2003 2:59 am (#5 of 46)

OBITUARIES

The last Puff

Legendary Puff the Magic Dragon, known to Wizards and Muggles alike, died yesterday while on a vacation aboard the Wizard QE2 at the age of 869.

Puff, who was made famous through the dragon-entitled song, was born in 1134 AD off the coast of Ireland in a land called Honnah Lee. When he reached the age of 482, he traveled with a companion, named Jack Paper. After extensive traveling with Jack, one day he never returned. Spending a few years in his seaside cave Puff made a triumphant return to the world.

Now, after years of charity fund raising and spending time in dragon deprived countries and areas, our beloved fire-breathing beast of the sky is no more. We will always remember our Puff the Magic Dragon and his frolicking in the autumn mists. Farewell. Friend.

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Cliff Hamaker - May 3, 2003 2:47 am (#6 of 46)
Edited by May 2, 2003 7:48 pm

St. Mungo Bungo!

Yesterday, no less the 15 patients of the St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries escaped. During one capture of a patient from the DIGS ward, the patient would not stop shouting, "Dumbledore is the Giant Squid! He is the Giant Squid! AHAHAHA!!! NO!!! NO MORE JELLO!!!!" While trying to interview one patient to find out how the escaped, all they would say was, "Severus, my dear. We will be together forever. Dear, dear Severus..." So, getting nothing out of the captured patients besides insanity and screams of "NO MORE JELLO!!!!!", this reporter went to the source: the Staff at St. Mungo's. Though they would not give their name and hid the face behind a suspicious looking mask, they did tell this reporter that this would not happen again. When questioned about most of the patients' fear of Jello, we got a "No comment" and was summarily dismissed from the premises. Though this reporter recieved no concrete answers about the escape and how it happened, there were repeated references to "calamari" and "LJ". This reporter has no information on the importance of either at this time.

There are still two patients a large, one from the DIGS ward and one from the SIDBDC Ward. If you witness anyone muttering to themselves, report them to the Ministry immediately.

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Cliff Hamaker - May 4, 2003 2:47 am (#7 of 46)

Colony of Hippocampi - in Scotland?!

In 1949 a superb blue roan specimen of a hippocampus was caught by merpeople off the shores of Scotland, and subsequently domesticated by them. This quote,from Newt Scamander's u Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them , is in reference to the only occurrence of a hippocampus being found outside of their usual habitat in the Mediterranean. However, an entire colony was discovered this week by a group of wizards from the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures investigating increasing reports of kelpies off the coast of Scotland.

This colony was apparently started back in the 1950s when an illicit dealer in magical creatures had to dump his shipment of 6 Tadfoals into the ocean. These Tadfoals adapted to the colder waters of the North Atlantic and bred to create a beautiful colony, which now numbers around 24. The team then interviewed the merpeople to ask them why they did not report the colony. After a considerable amount of sreeching, it was discovered that no one on the investigative team could speak Mermish. So, Headmaster Dumbledore was contacted and asked to act a liason. Agreeing, he came and within an hour the team found they had been told to "Bug off!".

This reporter, remembering murmurs heard during the capturing of none-too-few St. Mungo's patients, took it upon himself to inquire about accusations of Dumbledore being the dearly beloved Hogwarts Giant Squid. Dumbledore replied, "My, wouldn't that be the story of the week?"

Story continued on page 6

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rettoP yrraH - May 5, 2003 5:37 am (#8 of 46)
Edited by May 4, 2003 10:39 pm

OWL HOLDS UP MAIL

An owl passed out while flying on a common post route, causing a snarl in Owl Post. Owner Arthur Weasley made no comment.

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rettoP yrraH - May 5, 2003 5:44 am (#9 of 46)

WWNterviews Is Back On Air

After a long absence and controversy the popular station is back up. 'Uhh, well, Uhh, I have to go' was the response we got from Boris the Sanitary Director.

Mr. Sam I Am was unavailable but, his phone was off the hook and we picked up snatches of him singing in the shower.

More on WWN in section Z

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PyroGrl- May 10, 2003 7:31 pm (#10 of 46)

SPORTS

Holyhead Harpies defeat Wigtown Wanderers!

“The girls have conquered again,” says Bi Crikey, Sports and Wizard Duels writer, this time defeating the Wigtown Wanderers with a score of 280 to 50.

“The Harpies have won every game this year,” says Ona Potty, a Harpies fan. "We're very proud of them, and it just goes to show that girls can do anything that boys can do."

The Harpies, exhausted after their two-day-no-rest match, would not speak to any Daily Prophet reporters. They immediately went to their quarters and slept.

The Harpies will play again the Appleby Arrows next week. Are they on their way to the Quidditch World Cup?

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PyroGrl- May 10, 2003 8:48 pm (#11 of 46)

Severus Snape...Singing?

It seems as though Hogwarts's Potions Master, Professor Severus Snape, has lost his mind or is under a very strong Imperius Curse, according to Bi Crikey, Sports, Wizard Duels, and Miscellaneous writer.

He was seen out in the streets singing to the tune of "Don't Let Me Get Me" by America's witch P!NK (well, how do you think she gets her hair like that? Muggle hair dye? No way!).

“I remember the whole song,” says fourteen-year-old Mike Inikes. We asked him to repeat it for us -- and regretted it.

I teach Potions

Slytherin's my team

Can't take excuses

And my socks are always green.

Hermione dated me

Death Eater's hated me.

Potter's always in a fight

Neville can't do nothin' right.

Everyday I fight a war against the students.

Can't take the insults thrown back at me!

I'm a hazard to Potter,

Don't make me get mean.

Gryffindor's worst enemy.

It's bad when you annoy Snape-y...


After that, we begged Mike for no more. "Good," he said, "'cause there is no more."

Some Muggles caught Mr Snape dancing and singing on "video-tape". The Ministry of Magic is currently going out to find those Muggles and Mr Snape. Hopefully, they catch him before he does any more damage.

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PyroGrl- May 11, 2003 4:33 am (#12 of 46)

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Journalist Married!

One of the Daily Prophet's most valuable and reliable writers, Bi Crikey, was married last weekend, says Jo Shmoe. Her name has been hyphenated to Crikey-Mearm (pronounced Mee arm). We wish her well with a happy marriage.

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Istari Jones - May 11, 2003 6:18 am (#13 of 46)
Edited by May 10, 2003 11:29 pm

A Hot Time in the Old Town Last Night

by: Oscar Mayer-Weiner, Roving Reporter

Things were really heating up last night (May 9th) at St. Mungo's and the nearby village of Outer Mungolia-on-the-Lake at a birthday party that went very wrong. Rumors are flying about many of the incidents that happened and an investigation still is underway. It has been determined, however, two separate events precipitated the tragic infernos.

Evidently the first raging fire storm occurred with a duel between two hot-headed pyromaniacs at the St. Mungo's Quidditch field. The two duelists, Pyro Girl, a life-long resident at St. Mungo's, and "John", a student at Charles Xavier's School for the Gifted in New York State, USA, battled fireball for fireball to claim the right to the title of "Pyro". John, a mutant Muggle equipped with a Muggle "cigarette lighter", was no "match" (pun intended) for the fiery personality of Pyro Girl. Both suffered minor burns. Pyro Girl lost an arm, and John suffered third degree burns over 35% of his body and lost all his hair. Madame Pomfrey was able to repair both contestants with little ill effect to the duelists. Pyro Girl was given the right to claim the name "Pyro" for her own personal use.

Unfortunately during the duel the Quidditch field was burned to the ground. Other losses include forty pounds of hot dogs, six cases of marshmallows, and seven cases of chocolate bars. "But I like burned hot dogs, and the s'mores were delicious, too!" said Istari Jones, who further declined to comment about the events of the night.

The second event of volcanic proportions was the incineration of Outer Mungolia-on-the-Lake. According to our sources, a miniature dragon, that was given as part of a gift of miniature magical creatures, grew to its normal size after someone blew in its nose. It is theorized this occurred when the candles on the birthday cake were blown out. The Chinese fireball dragon (nicknamed "Smaug" by the recipient of the gift) proceeded to leave St. Mungo's with a female dragon that was attending the party as a guest. The hot-blooded lovers the proceeded to ignite nearly all the buildings of Outer Mungolia-on-the-Lake.

“I told them using thatch roofs on the homes was a bad idea!” whined Helen Blazes, OM-O-T-L's fire marshal. "All the building's and everyone's homes have burned to the ground! It's gone! All gone! We tried pumping water from the lake to put out the fire, but all the water had turned to Jello! It's a disaster, I tell you, a disaster!"

Both disasters are expected to cost over 50 million galleons. When a representative at Gringott's was contacted about the equivalent in British pounds and US dollars, that representative merely said "Get out of here or I'm calling the authorities!"

This reporter then tried to interview Kip, the Mysterious Financial Security Officer at St. Mungo's with limited results. When asked if these damages would be covered by fire insurance, he muttered a something about "credit cards" and why Lucious Malfoy had to get married. When asked to clarify, Kip, MFSO, said, "Knock it off, buddy, or I'll kippendo you!"

There is no chance at the present time the fire will spread to the Forbidden Forest or the surrounding areas. The fire is nearly extinguished. All that remains now are wisps of woodsmoke dissipating into the morning sky with echoes of campfire songs fading in the background. Story continued on page six.

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PyroGrl- May 11, 2003 5:44 pm (#14 of 46)

SPORTS

Harpies Struck Down By Arrows

It seems as though the Holyhead Harpies's winning streak is over, says Bi Crikey-MeArm. The Appleby Arrows defeated them -- though just barely -- yesterday with a score of 200-180.

Ona Potty, a long-time Harpies fan, wasn't too worried. "They're still going to the World Cup, I know it! Those Arrows just had a bit of luck," she told us last night. The Arrows were celebrating their victory by shooting arrows into the sky. A large dragon was shot down by one of them. Further investigation proved the dragon to be "Smaug", the escaped dragon from St Mungo's. Smaug was not hurt badly. He is under the tender care of Rubeus Hagrid, Care of Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts.

“All in all, it proved to be a great day,” says Arrows fan Reol Fishing. "We defeated the gals and shot a dragon."

“Now our girls are even more determined to defeat the boys!” says Ona Potty. "And we will!"

The next game is Arrows vs. Cannons.

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PyroGrl- May 20, 2003 3:56 am (#15 of 46)

Harpies vs. Cannons...Canceled Due to Attack on Seeker

Ona Potty, the long-time Hollyhead Harpies fan, was arrested today for attacking the Chudley Cannons Seeker, says Bi Crikey-Mearm. The Seeker is currently out cold and probably will be for the remainder of the week. The match has been canceled and MIGHT be moved to next week now.

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Cliff Hamaker - May 21, 2003 1:44 am (#16 of 46)
Edited by May 20, 2003 6:47 pm

Death Eaters WHERE?!

Increasing reports of Death Eater sightings has caused a shout of outrage and fear across Surrey. "We don' know 'oo might be walkin' aroun' 'eya!" cries one elderly witch. The Ministry of Magic has tried to catch sight of one of these Death Eaters, but to no avail. Surrey has been crawling with Ministry officials, who are a little bit touchy this reporter might add, for the past week searching high and low for Death Eaters. The most shocking event occurred last Tuesday when one woman Muggle called the Muggle Police Department and reported seeing a "suspicious man outside her house wearing funny clothing and dressed in black". She also was upset because the alleged Death Eater had scared her "poor lil' Duddykins". There are no leads as to why Death Eaters would be in the area, but Ministry officials are on the trail like a niffler digging for gold.

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Brave ol' Neville - May 22, 2003 2:40 am (#17 of 46)
Edited by May 21, 2003 7:41 pm

Mad Gnome Injures Eight

Yesterday a mad gnome injured eight people and sent them to Mungo's, writes reporter M. G. Guy. The mad gnome was found running around yelling "what up, dock." When S. I. Gnomes was asked what caused this strange event he said "Gnomes are very confusing creatures and we are just starting to understand them. I have seen many cases like this and I can't give you the true facts but I think it's from severe brain damage." As most people know, you have to swing a gnome around several times and then throw it in the air. The condition of the injured persons is unknown at this time.

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Ticker - May 23, 2003 3:48 pm (#18 of 46)
Edited by May 23, 2003 9:05 am

Tough Year For Gardens

Weather conditions thus far, while much appreciated by those in the tourism industry, are perfect for producing high Garden-Gnome populations. "The elements are sure coming together in their favor," states Gredna Owen, Cosmologist.

“We're in for a bumper crop of those pesky buggers,” Sean Bigglesworth, local herbologist reports. "There's not much as can be done t' stop 'em, either. Ye can't zap 'em like prairie dogs when they aren't poppin' outta their holes. And, I know that's been a controversial practice, an' I'll prob'ly get the Gnome-rights activists down my back fer sayin' that, but believe me, this'll be the year that tries the patience of the most tolerant Gnome tossing gardener."

Some speculation has also surfaced in regards to the spread of Mad Gnome Disease. "As of yet, it hasn't spread to humans, but extra caution should be taken to avoid being annoyed by their singing or bitten by them.", says Ministry official Orna Pindyke.

Most herbologists recommend planning on hiring a couple extra neighbor kids and providing them with dragonhide gloves, although pet-stores have noted a rush on large cats. And we'll doubtless see some inspiring entrepreneurship in the age-old quest to build a better Gnome trap.

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Istari Jones - Jun 2, 2003 10:50 am (#19 of 46)
Edited by Jun 2, 2003 3:56 am

Poltergeist Wreaks Havoc on Muggle Internet System

Word has recently reached "The Daily Prophet" that a local poltergeist is causing insufferable damage to a world-wide Muggle computer Internet site.

It is rumored that the damage is being caused by Peeves, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's resident poltergeist. It has been theorized by more "technologically-minded" muggle loving Wizards that Peeves has actually entered into the Internet itself and has taken up residence in one of the most popular of the sites, World Crossing. The result of this is that Muggles the world over, who have an affinity for the Magical World, can no longer vicariously experience or discuss all things magical.

“The poor Muggles, bless 'em,” says Arthur Weasley of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Division in the Ministry of Magic. "They really think it has something to do with their ekeltricity, their plugs, and other Muggle thingies. We knew right away it was a poltergeist when the site's head mugwump started to mention things like 'master/slave' and 'servers being overloaded'. Those are merely Muggle code words to let us know our magic is affecting their Muggle world."

We contacted Albus Dumbledore of Hogwarts about Peeves's involvement. Dumbledore's response to the alleged poltergeist activity was only, "Ahh, yes, it has been a bit quiet around here lately. Would you care for a lemon drop?" Efforts to extract more information from the esteemed Headmaster have proven fruitless.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Muggle terms "computer" and "Internet", it is a sytem that runs on ekeltricity, is found in most Muggle homes, schools, and businesses, and is now their most popular method for communicating and wasting their already pathetically short lives. Anyone wishing to find out more information about the Muggle computer system are encouraged to attend the new seminar at the MOM called "What Will Those Muggles Think Up Next?" this coming Friday at 6:00 pm.

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Istari Jones - Nov 13, 2003 12:24 pm (#20 of 46)
Edited by Nov 13, 2003 4:26 am

Professor Minerva McGonagall Hit by Truck
by Oscar Mayer-Weiner[

Professor Minerva McGonagall, a teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for over 39 years, was hit near the Thames River by a truck driven by Billy Jimmy-Joe Bob Hogg, Jr., of the USA yesterday afternoon.

“It was a cat! I swear! I just finished catchin' some fish down at that there Tems River. I started up that road there an' this stupid cat ran right out in front of me. I thought the truck bounced pretty hard for hittin' jest an ol' cat, and when I get outta my truck, why there's this little ol'lady stuck between my back wheels an' my fishin' boat trailer! But I swear, it were't no ol' lady, it was a cat I hit! I swear! A cat!”

Ms. McGonagall is at St. Mungo's in fair condition undergoing treatment to remove tire tracks from her forehead. Mr. Hogg has had his memory modified and will not be charged with any offenses, however, his fishing license was revoked and he is being tutored on how to speak with a proper English accent.

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Istari Jones - Dec 4, 2003 10:09 pm (#21 of 46)

Do you wish family members would behave with dignity and grace in public settings?

Does anyone in your family not work and play well with others in society?

Do they communicate with grunts and hand signals?

If you've answered "yes" to any of the above questions, then you need to consider the "Rubeus Hagrid's School for the Culturally Inept". Yes, Professor Hagrid has developed a program for teaching your young son or daughter proper etiquette and speech that will enhance their prospects for a successful future in the Magical World.

Listen to this testimony from Professor Hagrid's former student, Grawp: "If it wasn't for Professor Hagrid's School for the Culturally Inept, I would still be an uncouth, ignorant, vicious, uncontrollable giant living in the forest feeding on herds of sheep and goats. But after finishing his course I was able to get a job working in the International Magical Office of Law. Thanks, Professor Hagrid! Say, if you're not going to eat that half a cow, may I have it, please?"

To enroll, simply send an owl with 10 galleons to Professor Hagrid at the Forbidden Forest. Order now and receive a free blast-ended skrewt!

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Blast - Dec 8, 2003 6:00 am (#22-25 of 46)

CLASSIFIEDS

HELP WANTED I have openings for a dozen positions at the moment. If you are pure evil, don't mind doing a bit of dirty work, despise Professor Dumbledore, and would sell your own mother to the Gypsies, feel free to contact me, Lord Thingy, Little Haggleton.

WANTED – BUY OR SWAP
Items needed, will buy or swap. Will swap slightly used invisibility cloak, with a few fang holes and blood stains, for an eyeball cleaner. Ever since that scum wore it, it keeps sticking. If interested contact Mad Eye Moody, by Great Horned Owl. Any other Owl will be plucked out of the sky. Remember Constant Vigilance!

EMPLOYMENT
We are looking for a few good Dwarves for a production of Snow White. The casting will take place at the Diagon Alley Theater of Arts. You will be reading with ex-Ministry of Magic Undersecretary, Dolores Umbridge, who will play the Wicked Witch. Casting starts April 17, at ten o'clock sharp. Sorry this is only open to dwarves three feet two inches or less.

ADVERTISEMENT
Does cow's milk upset you, but you still long for ice cream, Whipped cream, and that favorite coffee cream? Never fear, Aberforth is here!! Providing Wizarding households with fresh dairy products made without cow's milk. We have a complete line of milk, cream, butters, cheeses, icecreams, sour creams, and cottage cheeses. It tastes so good you wouldn't know that it didn't come from old bossy. Contact us by Owl at ABERFORTH'S ENCHANTED DAIRY SOMEWHERE NEAR HOGSMEAD. Free delivery on orders over three galleons. (By the way, we also have some nice, cashmere wool products too!) For a limited time just for the holidays. Gonog, try some it's not that baaaad.



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Istari Jones - Dec 17, 2003 4:42 pm (#26 of 46)
Edited by Dec 17, 2003 8:42 am

FIRST ANNUAL PAGEANT ALERT
Attention! Contestants needed for the first annual Miss Troll competition. Contestants must be female, between the ages of 17 and 83 and live in the Great Britain region. Judging will based on beauty, poise, charm, and club-swinging ability. Contestants will be scored on their fashion sense and will need to model evening and swimwear in the animal skin of their choice. The top twelve finalists in the swim wear competition will be featured in the "Quidditch Illustrated Swimsuit" issue for 2004. To enter send an owl with your name, age, and cave of residence to "The Daily Prophet Miss Troll Competition." Applicants are strongly encouraged to bathe before the contest.

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Blast - Dec 13, 2003 9:02 pm (#27 of 46)

BREAKING NEWS!!
Special to the Prophet. We are working on a story that involves corruption at the highest level of the government. Our sources have told us about a plot by certain members of Wizarding society to take control over the Ministry and turn it into a virtual dictatorship. We will update this breaking story as it unfolds.

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Blast - Jan 14, 2004 3:13 am (#29 of 46)

EVEN LESS THAN ORDINARY
Last night's meeting of the People Of Ordinary Powers, did not go off as planned. This year’s honorary chairman, Cornelius 'Goblin Eater' Fudge, led off the festivities with a lackluster fireworks show. “We never expect much,” said an un-named Witch, “but look at this group. Now if we could convince Dumbledore, Flitwick, or Snape to join . . . . well, the group would not be ordinary anymore would it? There was a guy with a white face and red eyes that we turned away, but anybody else that isn't that great with a wand is welcome.”

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Cliff Hamaker - Jan 18, 2004 9:57 pm (#30 of 46)
Edited by Jan 18, 2004 4:24 pm

I deleted the third paragraph. - Kip

EVIL ACROSS THE POND?

According to reports, Moldy Voldy has decided to go somewhere that the Boy Who Lived could NOT interfere. And that place apparently is across the Atlantic.

The Supranational Committee of Unified Magicians, or SCUM, a confederation of wizards that stretches from Magellan's Straight, to whatever the country is above the USA, and protects those countries from outside threats, has been receiving reports of Death Eaters in Iowa.

However, this comes as no surprise to some wizards and witches. "Oh, I could tell that guy was evil since the first time I saw 'im." says John Smith, 35 from Salem, Mass. "A-ha! This is my proof!!!" said one witch as she scurried away.

More on this story on page XYZ 4

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Emily - Jan 28, 2004 6:31 pm (#31 of 46)
Edited by Jan 28, 2004 10:32 am

DEATH EATERS TERRORIZE FLOCK OF SHEEP

Writes Reporter Miss Ing Padfoot

Yesterday, two Death Eaters, Crabbe and Goyle, were caught at the scene of the crime in Idaho. They had been messing with a flock of sheep belonging to a muggle named Bill Clinton, who claimed that 'they appeared out of nowhere, took out pieces of wood, sent up a scary firework, and, mumbling under their breath, sent beams of light at my sheep!' The spells used turned out to be dancing charms. The British MoM came out to correct the damage since, as ex-senior advisor to the Minister D. J. Umbridge says, 'those American wizards don't know anything'. The spells have been taken off, the Mark removed, and, naturally, Clinton's mind has been wiped. Watch the Evening Prophet tomorrow for an account of the trial.

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PyroGrl- Feb 14, 2004 5:01 pm (#32 of 46)

THREAT OF DEATH EATERS SPREADS

Reported by: Bi Crikey, Reporting from Canada

I was very shocked when a letter from Canada arrived addressed to me. Reading it, I found it was written by a "Reo World" from Ottawa, Ontario. He asked me to paraphrase his article and put it into the Daily Prophet. I agreed, and here it is:

The Death Eaters are spreading through the United States, all in the south, east and west. Some are venturing north, and now three have been reported to have been seen in Niagra Falls, Ontario, Canada. A witness states that he overheard the Death Eaters whispering that Ottawa would be as far as they would go because of the cold winters. Canadians are taking no chances, though: they have formed an alliance with the Americans and both are sending letters to the United Kingdom, asking for an alliance. So far there has been no reply.

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Blast - Feb 16, 2004 12:55 am (#33 of 46)

DEATH EATERS SPOTTED AT MUGGLE EVENT

Several Death Eaters have been spotted at the Quebec Winter Carnival. By the time North American Ministry of Magic officials arrived, the Death Eaters had moved on. They had to modify several memories and re-transfigure a giant talking snowman.

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Istari Jones - Feb 16, 2004 6:09 am (#34 of 46)
Edited by Feb 15, 2004 10:13 pm

FORMER MINISTRY OFFICIAL INDICTED

By Oscar Mayer-Weiner

The Ministry of Magic today announces that Dolores Umbridge, former Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic, former Headmistress and former High Inquisitor of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has been charged with attempted murder of The Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter. The indictment stems from the incident on 2 August, during which two Dementors allegedly attacked Mr. Potter and his Muggle cousin, Dudley Dursley, in Little Whinging. Ms. Umbridge is also charged with assault on Professor Minerva McGonagall, Transfiguration teacher at Hogwarts, with assault on Professor Rebeus Hagrid, Care of Magical Creatures teacher, with inciting a riot, discrimination of centaurs and other magical creatures, and is charged with no fewer than 127 accounts of child abuse and endangerment while serving as Headmistress of that esteemed school. More charges are pending, following a full blown investigation that is currently underway. "Unfortunately," says an anonymous source, "there's no law against being an old toad, or we would charge her with that, also!"

MOM Cornelius Fudge said today, "I had no idea all that was going on there, really! But I can assure our Magical Community I had nothing to do with any of it. I want this settled immediately, do you hear? Immediately!"

Supporters of Professor Umbridge unfortunately are scarce. Argus Filch, caretaker at Hogwarts, says "She was the best thing that ever happened at Hogwarts!"

To read "Why Fudge Granted Umbridge Anything She Wanted" turn to page 13. For "How Umbridge Thought She Could Get Away with It" turn to page 29.

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Blast - Mar 17, 2004 5:09 am (#35 of 46)


MYSTERIOUS BLAST!
Today a 200-foot volcano erupted behind the new St. Mungo's. The Ministry is at a loss to explain how an event like this could of been caused. A ministry spokeswizard explained it couldn't have been the patients, as their wands are all kept in a secure location. Obliviators and the Magical Reversal team were dispatched to the scene. The Prophet will update our readers on this story.

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Emily - Mar 17, 2004 11:56 pm (#36 of 46)
Edited by Mar 17, 2004 3:57 pm

EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE

The Daily Prophet wishes to inform it's esteemed readers that it’s trained sci-wizards have not been able to discover anything new about the volcano, because it, and the Quidditch Pitch on which it was (oddly!) located, have mysteriously disappeared. The site of the volcano/pitch has been replaced by a giant carousel, which is being closely examined for clues to the strange disappearance. Keep reading for all our latest updates.

The Prophet would also like to wish it's readers a very happy St. Patrick's Day!

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Blast - Mar 19, 2004 5:35 pm (#37 of 46)
Edited by Mar 19, 2004 9:37 am

Special to the Prophet

All is not well in the feline world today. Charges of corruption have been made against the makers of the movie “Prisoner of Azkaban.” Sylvester the Cat, President of the Feline Actors Guild, said today, "these are very stheriousth chargesth." The brouhaha began when a virtually unknown was cast for the part of Crookshanks. " We heard rumors that the cat chosen had cosmetic surgery and that it's natural fur colour is white, not ginger." Said Morris, veteran cat actor, "They did not even return my agent's calls about an audition, I was born for this part, I am probably the most experienced cat actor in the world today." Rumors of delays and overuns are rampant among the crew. "The movie would of been out by Easter," said one of the cast, "we all lost valuable time sitting around waiting for that stinking cat to get his part right, he was even afraid of mice!" Cost overruns will also cut into the profit picture. Producers of the movie have failed to return our calls for an interview.

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PyroGrl- May 27, 2004 2:24 am (#38 of 46)

Writer Retires at 30
by Reo World

Popular writer Bi Crikey(-MeArm) has retired at age 30 after deciding she doesn't want any more limbs burnt. We will miss her and wish her a happy retirement.

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Elfcat - Apr 6, 2005 2:53 am (#39 of 46)

Mungo's Missing Many

St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, that Magnificent institution to which many witches and wizards have entrusted their lives over the years, may not be the shining star we all used to think, writes investigative reporter Ima Spyin. Several days ago, eyewitnesses reported what seemed to be a gigantic rubber duck flying away from the grounds at St. Mungo's. As this is a rare occurrence even in the magical world, this reporter was sent to investigate.

The first notable thing about the premises was the unusual quiet. Most near neighbors of the asylum have stated that hardly a day goes by without some sort of raucous party in the wards. Infiltrating the building by way of a window that was carelessly left unbarred, this reporter proceeded to check hallways and nearby wards for any sign of life.

Eventually this reporter stumbled upon one inmate, who was tacking up faux fur wallpaper and chanting what may have been rather strange poetry, or else a particularly nasty spell. After a long and confusing interrogation, this reporter gathered that most of the inmates had escaped, en masse. Impossible though this seems, it has apparently happened quite often: "Oh, Sure," quotes the inmate, "We have to get to our away games and stuff. You can't really expect us to stay in here ALL the time."

Other atrocities discovered included attempted brainwashing of inmates, an unsafe number of canary creams per capita, and the confinement of a highly dangerous beast in the attic. Some of these may have been merely the ravings of a lunatic, but the thing known as the KBR most certainly was not. This reported went to the attic to check, and was lucky to escape with her life.

Is this what our glorious St. M's has become? The finest magical medical institution in the world, reduced to a loosely guarded, poorly run halfway house for raving maniacs? Only time will tell if these conditions will worsen or improve, but we petition all readers to do something about it.

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Hermionefan - Jun 9, 2005 11:18 pm (#40 of 46)
Edited by Jun 9, 2005 4:18 pm

ADVERTISEMENT

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Come to Madame Malkin’s Robes for All Occasions, located on Diagon Alley!

Minor Fires—Robes Shop in Disgrace!

Miniature fires are going up all over the wizarding world, writes Rita Skeeter, special correspondent. Reports of explosions and fires going up all over are now being sorted by the Daily Prophet staff. St. Mungo’s has confirmed that many patients are now in their hospital being treated for burns. Madame Malkin’s, a popular robes shop for wizards and witches of all ages, is the believed cause. Malkin, who just stocked her new Glow-Light Robes, declined comment. This reporter says that there is no doubt in the fact that these special, light-up robes are the cause of the many new patients in St. Mungo’s. It is now widely believed that all of Malkin’s clothing are cursed or bewitched. If your robes are suddenly strangling you, don’t be fooled, they aren’t getting too small! The Ministry will be holding an inquiry for Madame Malkin, but until then advises all Malkin-clothed wizards to return their cloaks and hope to find a new, safer outfitter.

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Phelim Mcintyre - May 11, 2006 12:48 pm (#41 of 46)

SPORTS SCOOP

After a long break (due to suspected Inferi Interferance - or “Interferience,” the sports pages are back with a major scoop. The Office for Control of Magical Creatures is searching for one Viola Intonada. This is after players in the Kenyan Kneazles complained to ministry officials following an attack of butterflies with suspicious vampire-like tendencies.

It is believed that Intonada, a resident of St Mungo's, (continued on page 46, column 18)

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rettoP yrraH - May 19, 2006 3:08 am (#42 of 46)

BREAKING NEWS!

GIANT SQUID HAS 'IBS'! HOGWARTS TO SET UP HOTSPRINGS SPA & RESORT!

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Liz Mann - May 19, 2006 6:03 pm (#43 of 46)
Edited by May 19, 2006 6:07 pm

OLD FORUM MEMBER RETURNS TO LEXICON

rettoP yrraH, after being absent for a few years, has now made an appearance on the Lex. At least one member questioned said she would like to see rettoP back at St Mungo's.

editor’s note: (Sorry, I always go a bit nuts when old members come back. )

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Phelim Mcintyre - May 20, 2006 11:56 am (#44 of 46)

INTERNATIONAL CONFEDERATION OF WIZARDS CALLED TO ST. MUNGO’S

In a way frighteningly similar to events in the Muggle World, officials from the International Confederation of Wizards were called to St Mungo's Hospital today where, according to rumours, one of the wards had been developing secret weapons of mass destruction.

After extensive searches the inspectors left saying that there was no evidence of such weapons, just inmates playing with green jelly-like stuff called “Jello.” The inspectors believe Jello to be part of the play therapy being pioneered by the healers at the institute.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Jul 5, 2006 11:30 am (#45 of 46)

POLICE BLOTTER

Last night Mundungus Fletcher, well known thief and seller of stolen property, was apprehended by Ministry of Magic officials attempting to break into a house in Edinburgh. Rumours persist that the house in question belongs to Miss J K Rowling, biographer of Harry Potter, who is currently working on the final installment of Mr Potter's school years, covering the war with He Who must Not Be Named. It is believed that Miss Rowling and her family have been given the highest level of protection possible by the Ministry of Magic due to the nature of her work.

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Phelim Mcintyre - Oct 20, 2006 10:36 am (#46 of 46)

SPORTS WRAP-UP[

St Mungo's Maniacs Remain Undefeated!!

At a time when British sporting heroes suffer defeat after defeat, one team remains above all others. For yet another year, the St Mungo's Maniacs Quidditch team have won all their matches against tough opponents that included Inferi, Murtlaps, and Pixies. Rumours abound that their opponents for next year include dragons, hags and vampires - though as yet these remain unconfirmed.

A spokeswizard from St Mungo's gave the following quote when asked about the team’s success. "A Quidditch team based here? From the Lexicon secure ward? Please, I thought you were from the Prophet, not the Quibbler." With which she called hospital security (continued on page 167 column 16)