Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews

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Urg the Unclean - May 6, 2003 3:33 am (#74 of 179)

I thought I would interview Hermione Granger so to prepare myself I went to Flourish & Blotts to obtain a copy of Hogwarts, a History. It was almost another disaster but ended up turning out quite well. By good fortune I was playing with my tape recorder in my pocket (actually, to keep a pleasant demeanor I was pretending to be Frodo who is supposed to have the most gentle disposition) and I must have turned it on. Here's what happened:

Clerk: Good morning! Good morning! Beautiful day.

Urg: Yes.

Clerk: I suppose you want a book on banking ....

Urg: No. Actually I want ....

Clerk: Accounting?

Urg: No, I ....

Clerk: Ah! Then you must want ....

Urg: HOGWARTS! A book of Hogwarts.

Clerk: Hogwarts? I don't think I could let you have one of those.

Urg: Why not? I just want to read up on the place.

Clerk: Yes. Yes. I'm sure ... hmmm. How about one of these?

Urg: One of what?

Clerk: This beautiful book on invisibility.

Urg: Now look. Don't try that on me, you ....

Clerk: No! No! We've just found them you see. Special order from eight years ago but then we couldn't find them and ....

Urg: Who do you think I am? You point to an empty shelf telling me to try one of those ....

Clerk: Not at all. My good goblin. These books are priceless. Very rare. Only a galleon and a half.

Urg: Now listen you. I want a book on Granger, a History.

Clerk: Granger?

Urg: Hermione.

Clerk: Hermione?

Urg. NO! NO! Hogwarts.

Clerk: Hermione Hogwarts? I don't recall ever ....

Urg. PLEASE! Please. I just want a book. It's not a special book. It's not a rare book. It's just an ordinary book called Hogwarts a History. This really isn't too much to ask. Please.

Clerk: Oh! You don't want the invisibility book then?

Urg: *in strange high pitched voice* No. No. I just want ... the History of Hogwarts book. If I may. If it wouldn't be too much trouble. *gulp*

Clerk: You wouldn't consider a book on flying?

Urg: *in same high pitch* No.

Clerk: You'd never have to carry it.

Urg: No.

Clerk: Stage magic?

Urg: No.

Clerk: Teaches you how to cut a centaur in half.

Urg: No. No. Please ....

Clerk: Well, don't cry. We'll find just the book for you.

Urg: *sniffs* Why can't I have Hogwarts a History?

Clerk: They're out of print.

Urg: Why didn't you tell me this before?

Clerk: I'm on commission. Hey! Don't look so dejected. Don't rush off. If you come back on Thursday you can have one. How's that?

Urg: *through gritted teeth* How can I get one Thursday if they are out of print?

Clerk: Well, they are being revised. Apparently there's a whole section on house elves that was never included so a new version will be delivered Thursday. And guess what? *beams*

*long pause*

Urg: What?

Clerk: The young Hogwarts student responsible for the updating of the book will be here to sign the first copies.

Urg: Bully.

Clerk: Yes! A book signing with Hermione Granger.

Urg: Hermione Granger? Did you say Hermione Granger?

Clerk: In person.

Urg: I'll see you Thursday then

Clerk: That's my day off. You wouldn't care for the History of Helm's Deep?

*Sound of choking and a door slamming.*

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Carina - May 7, 2003 3:36 am (#75 of 179)

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been informed where to tune into your area for information. Of course, if the emergency happened to be the return of You-Know-Who, there's nothing anyone could do anyway, so what's the point? This station serves the Wizarding World area.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programing...

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Urg the Unclean - May 8, 2003 3:31 am (#76 of 179)

Excuse my voice. I have a touch of laryngitis which is why it may seem deep and growly. I am an avid listener off WWN and find your correspondent, Urg the Unclean the most interesting and informative person to listen to. My life would be very dull without his incisive questioning of the shakers and breakers in our troubled world. There was nearly a week when Mr.Unclean was not on air and I was so afraid that perhaps he'd left for a better paying job.

Could you assure me that WWN will do everything in its power to hold onto this likeable and enlightening man? Money should be no object.

Mrs. Wellmet Wattlebird of Canvey Island.

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Madam Poppy - May 8, 2003 5:55 am (#77 of 179)

This is Madam Pomfrey calling from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. I just wanted to say how much I've enjoyed Mr. Unclean's reports. They are clear, concise and frequently funny. I'm sure you are not paying him what he deserves!

I would be interested in your station having a Wizard Travel Program. I'm looking for a place to spend my upcoming summer vacation. Professor Dumbledore had recommended an out of the way beach resort. But he just told me that it has been taken over by a Muggle television show called Survivor.

Keep up the good work WWN!

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Mare - May 8, 2003 9:21 am (#78 of 179)
Edited by May 8, 2003 2:21 am

Hello this is Marè calling from Takkietoekistan. I just called in to say Hi, and I was wondering where your correspondents Mr. Unclean and Mr. Sam I Am have gone. Not that I don't enjoy the astrology programs, but with you former correspondents your programs were far more diverse. Right now, the broadcasting is getting rather ..er...dull. And may I take the opportunity to say Hi to my mum, my niece and the second sister of my hairdresser.

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Denise S. - May 8, 2003 7:39 pm (#79 of 179)
Edited by May 8, 2003 12:41 pm

Uh, hello? Am I on? Hello? ... Ah, okay. Hi.

My name is Denise, I wanted to just say wow, I am such a fan of the centaurs. The way you all came into the story during the Philosopher's Stone fiasco--fantastic.

Bane: *impatient sigh*

Oh, yes, well, I had a question. I, uh, heard a rather disturbing rumor that says that the centaurs, while this Philosopher's Episode was happening, wanted Harry to be...how do I put this...you all wanted him dead. Is this true?

Why would you have wanted the defeater of the Dark Lord to be dead? *quicker and louder* Was it so you wouldn't have any competition? Huh? *yelling* You just didn't want anyone in the way to your own rise to power!? *screaming into the phone* WHAT DEAL DO YOU HAVE WITH VOLDEMORT? COME ON, WE'RE WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!

*pause*

*general shock from all sides*

*clears throat* I mean, um...yes. Thank you very much.


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PyroGrl - May 9, 2003 10:41 pm (#81 of 179)

-clicking noise- Hello?? Sam, you're breaki--Urg, can you hear me? Bane--one? -Bangs on phone- Ah, that's better.

You wanted a question. You'll get a question. In fact, you'll get several. Do you want me to say them all now? Or do you want me to spread them over a certain period of time? Or should I say only one and call a different time? Or should I say them all in one sentence? Which would be better for you? -cracklings noises- You're breaking up again! -BANGBANG- Hello? HELLO? SAM, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! -totally unaware that Sam, Urg, and the centaurs are all crouching in fear fifty feet away from the phone- SAM! URG! CENTAURS! --llo? ANSWER ME FOR VOLDIE'S SAKE! -crackle BANGBANG- There. Problem fixed. Anyway, I stated all my questions above EXCEPT for the last one. Here it is...

Is Dumbledore really the Giant Squid? If he is, then that's bad, because I told the squid EVERYTHING personal about me! EVERYTHING! Even my plans to take over the world! If Dumbly is the Giant Squid, who I've named "Squidward", then I'm in big trouble. So if you could tell me whether or not he's the Giant Squid, that'd be great. Oh, and please edit out the "Plans to take over the world" part before you put it on air.

Sam: Er...sorry Brittany, it's live.

Me: WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S LIVE?! IT CAN'T BE LIVE! I'M IN SOOOOO MUCH TROUBLE NOW!!! AHHH! -click-

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Urg the Unclean - May 9, 2003 11:55 am (#80 of 179)

Boss, it's you know who. I hope you find this note in the box of Mrs. Skower's All Purpose Mess-Remover. I had to bribe an ugly teenage kid, Stan Shunpike to deliver it to WWN. As I'm on a very limited budget (we should learn from this) I had little to bribe him with. I ended up giving him a photo of a tree but he believes it's a picture of a Veela who's just gone off to get into something "more comfortable". He's not too bright.

Anyway, the swellings have gone down and the hoofmarks have now turned yellow so I'm on the mend. I can't believe we allowed a bunch of lower species to overpower us so quickly.

Boss, I've had a rather disturbing thought. Do you remember that series you ran, "how squibs regained their powers"? Well, you had me interview that clown who took some quick course and turned his wife into a yak. If you'll remember, that didn't end too well. I think you had to promise him his own show to keep him quiet. Well, the tape of that interview is probably still in the library. If Bane and his mob find it we're in trouble. They haven't proved anything with Ronan but I think if they got their hoofs on that interview it would be considered circumstantial evidence or precedent setting or something.

If you can get to it in anyway without them seeing, DESTROY it.

Keep your spirits up. I'm planning a counter attack. The real Antwok has returned and I'll meet with him later today.

U the U

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Urg the Unclean - May 12, 2003 11:23 pm (#82 of 179)

Bane: WWN! Good evening.

Urg: Bane? This is 'Agrid.

Bane: Ah! Hello Hagrid.

Urg: Bane. I'd like you to come back to the forest and leave those poor people ....

Bane: Wait a minute. You don't sound like Hagrid.

Urg: Yes I am. Look! I've got me crossbow 'nd everythin'.

Bane: I can't see a cross bow over the phone.

Voice away from microphone: Sounds like him. That's the kind of thing he'd do.

Bane: Okay! If you're Hagrid, what's your middle name?

Urg: Er! I don't know.

Voice: Yes - sounds just like him.

Bane: Okay! If you're Hagrid, how many centaurs are in the Forbidden Forest?

Urg: Let me see. Well ... none now. You've all gone down to WWN to attack those ....

Bane: Alright! Alright! How many are there normally? (long pause) Come on how many? (whispers) See it's not him.

Urg: Well, Bane. Lots.

Bane: How many? Come on. How many?

Urg: Well, Bane. I'm sorry you had to do this in fron' of so many listeners. I don't know 'xactly. I can't count properly. Not much above twen'y anyways.

Bane: I see. (whispers) I think I've just made a terrible mistake and embarrassed Hagrid on air.

Voice: This is bad. Let's pack it in and go home.

Bane: Hagrid?

Urg: Yes?

Bane: We're very sorry for all that's happened Hagrid.

Urg: 's all righ' Bane. Just come back to the forest.

Bane: We will Hagrid. Our behaviour has been inexcusable.

Urg: Tha's OK. Fang sends his love. He's missin' you 'n all.

Bane: Hagrid. We are all nearly in tears here. We'll leave right away. It's a good night to travel. Mars is bright tonight and ....

Urg: (screaming) You on about that damn Mars again? Don't you realize it's your own stupidity that gets you into trouble all the time? RONAN WAS A ... (pause) Er! (pause) Sorry there, Bane. Fang jus' nipped me ankle. Took me by surprise for the minute. Bane? Bane, you still there?

Bane: I do believe we have MR. Unclean on the line. It is you, isn't it? You ugly little goblin!

Urg: No. I er ... no. It's er (click)

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Ticker - May 13, 2003 1:27 am (#83 of 179)

Ticker: Hello? Uh, I'd like your two-topping special with pepperoni & mushroom.

Bane: This is a call in radio show.

Ticker: Oh, OK. Will there still be hot-wings with that?

Bane: No, no you don't understand... you've called WCRAP radio station.

Ticker: Well, then can I replace the wings with breadsticks?

Bane: Listen to me. This is NOT a pizza shop. This is a radio station. We do not take pizza orders.

Ticker: Oh. OK. Well, I'll just take the bread sticks then.

Bane: I'm beginning to understand the futility of talking with humans.

Ticker: Did you need my address?

Bane: No. You can just pay the owl when it's delivered.

Ticker: OK, Thanks. (click)

Bane: I can't believe I've degraded myself to such dishonesty - what am I doing here? Ah, yes - the mission... I must not forget...

Next up, we'll have the soothing sounds of coyotes on a starless night. Just sit back & relax. Don't turn that dial. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors. Of course, that won't be long, since we're down to 2 now...

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Ticker - May 23, 2003 4:22 pm (#84 of 179)

Heya folks! This is Crazy Ed and I'm here to remind ya'll not to forget your barnyard friends when you go on vacation this year. Many of you remember my show business days as Mr. Ed. One thing I've always tried to emphasize are the needs of barnyard animals. We work hard for you folks & we deserve a little R & R too. You might think our ideal vacation is a little romp in the neighbor's field, but I'm tellin' you, nothing perks us up like a trip to the beach.

And how about those family reunions? Are they really complete without the whole family? Be sure & plan your next vacation with us in mind.

Brought to you by the Society for Work-horse Rights & Barnyard Animal Emotional Wellbeing... AND,... Moby's Full-Family Resorts, located near most of the worlds major attractions, serving all four-footed customers with the dignity you deserve.

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Denise S. - Sep 5, 2003 5:20 pm (#85 of 179)
Edited by Sep 5, 2003 10:21 am

Bane: If one listens close enough, the patterns of future disturbances can actually be detected by the ululation patterns of the coyote's--

*Grawp crashes through studio door*

Grawp: WHERE HOWLING FROM?

Bane: Ladies and gentlemen, some idiot let a--holy crap, a GIANT loose on the grounds! *struggling and kicking* No! NO! GET AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE, YOU DISGUSTING GIANT! No, put the--put the desk down, there are no coyotes there--NOT ON ME!!! *crash*

*silence*

...

Grawp: Coyotes hurt ears. Now we hear songs. This my home tribe, Grodan. I sing. Hagger help.

Bane: *groan*


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- Nov 14, 2007 4:51 pm (#86 of 179)

- Nov 14, 2007 4:51 pm (#87 of 179)
empty fields

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Blast - Dec 9, 2003 5:56 am (#88 of 179)

This is Arabella Figg reporting from Little Whinging Surrey. Today's  Squib report will be about famous British Squibs in the Muggle World!!

On the Musical side we have Kieth Richards, Ozzie Osborne, David Bowie, and Lemmy. In Politics we have Neville Chamberlin, and Margeret Thatcher.

In the field of Thespians there are Mel Gibson, Sean Connery, Micheal Palin, Marty Feldman, Micheal Cane, John Cleese, and Alan Rickmen. Did you know that Marty Feldman's real last name is Malfoy? Or that Alan Rickman is really Severus Snape's twin brother? No wonder he was so perfect for the part. I have also uncovered evidence that John Cleese is really Nearly Headless Nick's great, great, great, great, great great, grand nephew. Well so much for the Sixty Second Squib update.

Next week we look at Royal Squibs through History.Brought to you each week by The Quickspell Course

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Ticker - Mar 8, 2004 2:16 am (#89 of 179)
Edited by Mar 7, 2004 6:17 pm

**Walks into deserted, mostly demolished studio & taps microphone**

Uh, Sam, Saaaaaammm...

Well, if you can hear me, we still really miss you & want you back...

And, um, about my last paycheck.... it wasn't in the mail...

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Blast - Mar 10, 2004 10:49 pm (#90 of 179)

This is a test, broadcasting may presume in the near future.

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PyroGrl - Apr 7, 2004 4:28 am (#91 of 179)
Edited by Apr 6, 2004 9:29 pm

I step into the office long deserted. The place is, in one word, messy. Papers are scattered and flying everywhere. The desks and shelves are covered with nearly two centimetres of dust. The microphone itself is covered with centaur spit. I sigh and pull out my wand.

Scourgify!

The dust is magically removed, along with dirt and various other items the centaurs left behind after Firenze went to Dumbledore.

Suddenly, the bookcase falls forward, spilling books and various other items it contained. Behind the shelf is the open wall that I assume Grawp stuck his head through. Sighing, I wave my wand at it to pick it back up and put the books back on. That done, I head over to the microphone and tap it twice.

This is a test. I repeat, this is a test. If anyone can hear me, please contact WWNterviews. I repeat, again, this is a test.

I wait for an hour with no sign that anyone heard me. I try to down my disappointment by trying again, this time double-checking that I am on air. Seeing that I am, I make a magical recording of myself saying, "This is a test. If anyone can hear me, please contact WWNterviews. I repeat, this is a test. IF anyone can hear me, please contact WWNterviews."

I sit on a wobbly chair and lean back. "Please, someone hear," I murmur. "Please..."

I wake up, two hours later, to find several owls staring at me with letters attached to their legs.

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Blast - Apr 7, 2004 8:34 pm (#92 of 179)

Ah hi. My name is Archie and I came here to apply for a position as a reporter. I am currently unemployed because in my last job I wouldn't wear the proper uniform, it is not healthy to wear contrictive cloathing like that. I figured that being on the radio no one would care if I worked starkers, which is what I prefer to do. So if you have an opening for a free spirit, please send me an owl. Is the microphone on? Oh it is, umm did I pass the audition?

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 11, 2004 12:24 am (#93 of 179)

Urg: OK. Time to clean the place up & get back on air. I'll start removing the busted stuff, Tonks you start putting those parchments back on the shelf.

Tonks: Good. That should be easy. And then I'll ... (crash)

Urg: TONKS! There's enough broken pieces already.

Tonks: (giggles) Reparo!

Urg: Oooh! How did you do that? How come I can't do that?

Tonks: Well Ugh. First you need a wand and seco...

Urg: Give me that. Give me that.

Tonks: No Ugh! You're not allowed. Don't touch it. You'll ... Oh! Merlin.

Urg: Reparo! Reparo! Hey Tonks. Stop snatching. Let me try.

Tonks: Ugh. Just be a good goblin & sit back & relax. Non wizards are not allowed wands. Reparo.

Urg: (mutters) how can i ever become a wizard if i can't have a wand? they get all the best jobs, the best pay, decent housing. ok! so she's got it all neat & tidy but it wasn't as much fun as it could have been if she'd let me have a go. hey! i should find that stan shunpike kid. i bet i'd get his wand with no trouble. (mutters into silence)

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 13, 2004 2:47 am (#94 of 179)

Urg: Hello once again dear listeners. Full service has been restored at WWN and once again this is Urg the Unclean, your faithful correspondent on remote with none other than Madam Marsh, the amazing travelling witch. Madam how are you?

MM: Wretched.

Urg: Our listeners would love to hear why. Is it something to do with that toadstool soup you're famous for?

MM: Knight's bus.

Urg: Sorry?

MM: The Knight's bus! What's the matter with your ears?

Urg: Nothing's the matter with my ears. I clipped the hairs just this ....

MM: You're still ugly.

Urg: Madam Marsh. Please. We were to talk about your 'Most Travelled Witch' award. The listeners would like ....

MM: Most travelled! Most sick it should have been. Being with you doesn't help.

Urg: Well look, (coughs) er, how many miles have you travelled?

MM: I hate to think about it. I don't want to travel at all, you know.

Urg: So why do you do it?

MM: It's the nerves in my arm, you idiot. Makes the bloody thing jerk. Out it goes. There's the bus. I try to explain but that fool of a kid drags me on and off I go again.

Urg: (aside) I hope you understand this listeners. Personally, I'm at a total loss.

MM: I heard that! Don't you know about the Knight's bus? Why do they let such an ignoramus loose with a microphone?

Urg: Madam Marsh. I've never been on the Knight's bus. I've not been on any kind of a bus. I'd like ....

MM: Listen, shorty. The Knight's bus is a wizard's bus. If you need it you stick out your wand arm and ....

Urg: Well there you are. I'm not a wizard. I'm a goblin. I don't have a wand arm. Hey! Don't poke at me like that.

MM: Aagh! It's my spasms. Look out. Get out of the way.

Big Bang! Sound of screeching brakes.

New voice: Welcome to the Knight's ... Oh! It's you Madam Marsh. Let me help y ...

MM: Get off! Take your hands off me you cretin. I don't want ....

Voice: OK! OK! We'll have you on in a jiffy. There you go.

MM: (faint) It's my arm you foolish boy. Why don't you listen when I ....

Another Big Bang!

Urg: Well! That was Madam Marsh who just received an award for travelling the length of Britain on five thousand consecutive days. I noticed that her assistant was a young man that I met when WWN was having difficulties and who carried messages into the station during that trying time. We will attempt to have Mr. Shunpike, I believe it is on WWN to tell us more of his relationship with this wonderful old witch and explain the workings of the Knight's bus. Until next time this is Urg the Unclean signing off from the side of the M1 motorway near Birmingham.

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Ticker - Apr 14, 2004 5:09 pm (#95 of 179)

**Walks through the studio wondering exactly where Urg & Tonks said they cleaned... Hears a phone, but where is it coming from? Pulls out drawers, carefully unstacks piles of parchment (OK, so I knocked 'em on the floor, but who could tell?), opens refrigerator door (gack!), (where is that thing & why is it still ringing?!?), sees the receiver connected to the end of the fire-hose. Raises hammer & cracks glass...**

Ticker: Hello?

Fire Hose: glub, glub, glub

Ticker: Oh hang on, the connection is bad. --Bangs reciever on wall.-- Hello?

Fire Hose: drip, gurgle, SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!

Wet Ticker: Aaaack! OK. Who hooked up the phones?

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 15, 2004 1:06 am (#96 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean backstage at the Silver Maypole in Hartlepoole. I have with me Verona Pyke, manager and costume designer for The Weird Sisters. Good evening Verona.

VP: MS. PYKE.

Urg: Oh! OK! Good evening Ms. Pyke.

VP: Hurry it up. The girls are offstage in five minutes and we've got a party to go to.

Urg: A party! I'd love ....

VP. Forget it. No one would invite you. Just look at yourself.

Urg: Sorry. I don't know wha ....

VP: Look at those leggings. Baggy in the bum, tight at the knees. The jerkin! I don't remember when I've seen an uglier brown.

Urg: Well! This is the height of fashion in the gobl ....

VP: Here, let me. (ripping sound)

Urg: Stop that. They are only four years old.

VP: And there (rip)

Urg: Hey! I'm happy with the way I ....

VP: And those feet need shaving. Hang on.

Urg: NO! NO! (buzzing sound) Let go of my ankles. Not my ankles.

VP: OK. That's good. Just one.

Urg: What's the matter with you? I've got one hairy foot and one bald one.

VP: That's very you.

(sound of applause, running footsteps and loud giggling)

Voices: "Another one down Verona." "Let's party." "Yes! Let's get out of here. Here, you. Carry this."

Urg: What is this? Hey! What this bag thing with the pipes sticking out? Come back. Hey! I'm not some lackey. Wow! Where did they all go?

Deep threatening voice: Hey! Are you with the weird sisters?

Urg: No I'm ....

Voice: You're supposed to clean up after yourselves. There's a broom there. Get to it.

Urg: But ....

Voice: NOW!

Urg: Well, this is Urg the Unclean ... er, backstage at the er ... sigh!

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 16, 2004 7:43 pm (#97 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean with my most challenging interview to date. Today we are interviewing a muggle who is not cognisant of the magical world. Why should I interview such a boring specimen you ask? Well, today we are testing the truthfullness of one, Harry Potter. The Wizarding world is, of course divided on the accuracy of Mr. Potter's claims so WWN decided to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

I'm now at the muggle London Zoo approaching the reptile house. This office I'm about to enter contains the warden of this detention area who, if Harry Potter is to be believed allegedly witnessed an extraordinary happening five years ago.

Ah! Good morning.

Reptile keeper: Who the bloody hell are you?

Urg: I'm Urg from WWN.

Keeper: What kind of a name is Urg? You foreign?

Urg: No! I ... well yes. Yes. Urg is a foreign name. Now back in nineteen ninety ....

Keeper: What happened to your face?

Urg: My good sir. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ....

Keeper: Its all hairy and misshapen.

Urg: It's ... sigh ... I have a part in a movie to go to as soon as we finish this interview so ....

Keeper: My goodness but they do do a good job. It looks so real. I mean, that nose, off to the side like that. It's wonderful. really wonderful.

Urg: So! The interview. About five years ago you ....

Keeper: You couldn't get me a part in the movie could you? I always wanted to act. I'm a natural, my old mother used to say.

Urg: ... had a large boa constrictor escape from its sealed cage.

Keeper: Oh! You heard about that did you? I thought we'd kept that quiet.

Urg: So could you tell us the circumstances?

Keeper: Well, this is not in response to a complaint is it? No legal action being taken?

Urg: No. Our listeners just wish to verify if it really happened.

Keeper: You got witnesses? A complainant? Someone upstanding willing to testify on oath?

Urg: No. It's nothing like that. A young boy said that when he was ....

Keeper: He's a liar.

Urg: What?

Keeper: He's a damn liar. Nothing of the sort happened.

Urg: A young boy said that the glass front of a Brazilian boa constrictor cage disappeared and the snake slithered out with every intention of going to Brazil.

Keeper: Never happened.

Urg: It called him 'amigo' for heaven's sake.

Keeper: Now there's proof right there that is. Amigo is Spanish and you say the Boa was from Brazil where they speak Portuguese. Sounds like some trumped up story of some little nobody of a kid who wanted to make himself big in the eyes of the world.

Urg: Aha! That's what they say about him.

Keeper: Well, they're right. I seem to remember removing a pane of glass once to replace it with ... er another pane and ... er this kid screaming. All very silly it was. Made his mother a cup of tea and sent them on their way.

Urg: And why were you replacing the glass?

Keeper: We wanted ... um, a stronger one. Bullet proof.

Urg: Bullet proof?

Keeper: Yes. The snake was getting all sorts of death threats. Brazilian terrorists or insurgents I believe.

Urg: Well that makes perfect sense. I'm sure you've resolved a big question for our many listeners. I thank you and will be on my way.

Keeper: Yes. The movie. (getting fainter) I'm a great movie buff myself Urg. I'll look out for you. Hope that ....

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean outside the reptile house of London Zoo. You've heard the eyewitness account of an obviously impartial witness to the tall story that Harry Potter has been repeating. The muggle oozed honesty and forthrightness. Harry Potter is ... well WWN will let you come to your own conclusion.

Voice: Hey dad! Something's escaped. Do something. Do something. Hey dad, come back. Don't leave me.

Urg: This is your devoted correspondent hastily leaving the London Zoo for an urgent appointment elsewhere. (click)

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 18, 2004 1:06 pm (#98 of 179)

This is Urg the Unclean continuing in our series of famous British wizards. Today I'm in the atrium of the Ministry of Magic with Fred Crumb, inventor of the inter office memo. Good morning Mister Crumb.

Crumb: good morning.

Urg: You have many inventions to your credit but perhaps the office memo is the one that made you famous.

Crumb: Yes. Caused quite an uproar that did.

Urg: Could you tell our listeners how it all came about?

Crumb: The uproar or the memo?

Urg: Er! Well, both.

Crumb: Yes. Caused quite a stink that one. It all started when You Know Who was at the height of his powers. Very busy time then. Messages back and forth non stop. Owls everywhere in the Ministry. Until someone realized one of 'em was a spy, insinuated into the inner workings by a supporter of You Know Who. Mister Crouch was going spare, he was. Almost brought the place to a standstill. Well, something had to be done.

Urg: It would have. And your brilliant invention brought everything back to normal?

Crumb: Nah! Made it worse. Soon as the owls found out they were being replaced, Hell broke loose.

Urg: Oh! My goodness.

Crumb: Couldn't get into Crouch's office for all the owls blocking the place. Screeching and carrying on. Almost pecked old Barty Crouch to death. What a mess he was. I was personna non gratta for a while, I can tell you.

Urg: But it resolved itself eventually?

Crumb: Yes. Dumbledore came to the rescue again. Offered 'em all jobs up at Hogwarts. the parchment planes took over and peace was restored.

Urg: Wonderful! So tell us, how did you come up with the parchment planes? It is a brilliant idea.

Crumb: Nothing special really. It was a muggle invention I just adapted.

Urg: A muggle inven ... you mean ....

Crumb: Yes. No one wants to admit it but the muggles have come up with all the clever stuff. This plane idea for instance, a Greek lad had that idea hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Now his prototype wasn't the best. Made of feathers and wax I believe. Didn't stand up to sustained flight. But the idea was born Mister Unclean. The idea was there and just sat on the shelf waiting for Mister Wright to come along. (pause) Waiting for Mister Wright. Mister Wright ... get it?

Urg: Get what?

Crumb: (mutters) Goblins. No sense of humor.

Urg: So the owls were gone. The pink parchment planes took over and you were famous.

Crumb: Got a special award for thwarting You Know Who.

Urg: And what happened to the owl spy? Was it ever caught?

Crumb: The ... Oh! My God. The spy. I don't think anyone has thought of it since. It'll be at Hogwarts. I've got to get an owl off to Dumbledore right away. Oh! No. There's no owls here. I'll have to go myself. Now how on earth ....

Urg: One more question ....

Crumb: Can't stop. This is an emergency. (crack)

Urg: Well, there you have it dear listeners. The sound of apparition brings this interview to a close. That was one of Britain's greatest inventors, Fred Crumb who I am told is currently working on a self cleaning cat litter. Until next time, this is Urg the Unclean signing off from the Ministry of Magic.

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Blast - Apr 21, 2004 10:48 am (#99 of 179)

From the World of Entertainment

In entertainment news, The Hobgoblins are reuniting for one show only, there will be an enforced turnip ban at the concert. On a sad note , when hearing the news Gladys Gudgeon had a fatal heart attack. The band will play "Good Time Gladdy" in her honor.

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Blast - Apr 23, 2004 10:21 pm (#100 of 179)

News from around the Wide World of Wizards!!

In North America young Wizards have taking to the new sport of "Spilching," that is apparating and leaving parts behind. This has kept the accidental magical reversal squads working around the clock. " This has got to stop", said a ministry spokeswitch. "So far we have been able to keep everyone together, but we have had a few close calls. The other day we were almost too late because a dog had come across a few body part left behind and was ready to consume them when we arrived."

"In another case it took us six hours when a group of twenty did it. Thank goodness they all have tattoos now, or I don't think we could of sorted it out." A Healer at St. Mungo's said it is probably a form of rebellion, by the young Wizards." Just don't make a big deal about it, or better yet get their parents to start doing it and the kids will drop this fad like a hot cauldron" said Whil.E. Coyote Youth counselor at St. M's.

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 27, 2004 3:36 am (#101 of 179)
Edited by Apr 26, 2004 8:41 pm

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean back at the Ministry of Magic reporting on a labor dispute that is causing havoc for visitors to the ministry. Mrs. Oola Plipshod, a cleaner hired under the Make Work for Squibs program has reportedly commandeered the lift to the visitors' entrance and refuses to leave until her demands are met.

People needing to enter for various services and ministry help have gathered in the alleyway causing quite an obstruction. I am working my way ...

Voice: Stop pushing you runt!

Urg: ... through the crowd to see ...

Second Voice: Aaagh! You're on my foot.

Urg: ... if I can contact Mrs. Plipshod and find out what the ...

Third Voice: Take that!

Urg: OW! (mutters) Wow! Right in the ear. And she looked so delicate.

Fourth Voice: Up down. Up down. It's been like this since seven o'clock this morning.

Fifth Voice: Maybe it's just stuck and someone can fix it.

Urg: I am now at the front of the crowd near the visitors' entrance that was artfully disguised as a muggle communication building. At present it is empty but ... just a minute. I see a curly grey haired head coming up. MRS. PLIPSHOD. THIS IS URG THE UN

Voice: Gone again. I don't know what she's up to. I have an apparation test at 11.30 and don't know what I should do. HEY! It's no good pulling on the door. It won't open now.

Urg: I see Mrs. Plipshod rising. Here she is. Ah! (Sound of creak and a slam)

Screechy Voice: What do you want? Get out of here. You'll never get me out. I've had enough. You better do right by me or all the world's gonna hear about it.

Urg: Mrs Oola Plipshod? I'm Urg with WWN.

Voice: Welcome to the Ministry of Magic.

Mrs. P: Oh! Shut up.

Voice: Please state your business.

Urg: I'm Urg the ....

Mrs. P: Ignore her you fool. She'll prattle on for ever.

Urg: Mrs. Plipshod.

Mrs. P: Are you really with WWN? I thought radio personalities were all good looking.

Urg: Yes I am. I'm here to ...

Voice: Visitor to the ministry, you are required to submit to ...

Mrs P: SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING COW!

Urg: Mrs. Plipshod ...

Mrs. P: Call me Oola.

Urg: Oola. We've had a report that you have comandeered this entrance until your demands are met. I'm sure our listeners would like to know what you are demanding.

Mrs. P: An apology for starters. That Fudge is rude and insensitive. He should never be allowed to deal with decent people. I've heard stories about him, I can tell you. Do you know what he does to goblins?

Urg: I have heard the stories. I am a goblin and I can assure you the stories are not true.

Mrs. P: Oh! You're the token goblin they hired are you? I heard they were forced to take on all sorts of riff raff under the new equality ....

Urg: MRS. PLIPSHOD! PLEASE! Our listeners would like to hear how you feel you've been wronged. What happened in the workplace that ....?

Mrs. P: Ooooh! Well. It started as just a normal night shift you see. I came on at 11pm. Checked in at the security ....

Voice: Welcome to the Ministry ....

Mrs. P; SHUT UP YOU DING DONG! Anyway, last night I was to clean in the Department of Mysteries. Sweep around the Prophecy room. Great big place it is. I've done it before. It's not too strenuous. I kind of like it actually though it's a bit dim in there. And all the little prophecy globes. I'm not to touch 'em mind. Though they all could do with a good wipe. So there I was, whistling away. I always whistle when I work. Makes the night go ....

Urg: Oola. Please get to the workplace incident.

Mrs. P: One bloody row was all broken glass and smashed shelving. I said to myself, I said "this ain't right." So I started off to get somebody and that's when Fudge appeared with some bum in a ponytail. I think he'd been drinking. He kept staring at me with his eyes popping gurgling "Dumbledore. Dumbledore." Do I look like Dumbledore? Of course I don't. And he was dressed like a bad muggle. Had only pyjamas on with his cloak over the top and these down in the heal slippers ....

Urg: So what did he do? What went wrong?

Voice: Visitor to the ministry, you are required ....

Mrs: P: Here, give me that.

Urg: Not my microphone. Don't ....

Mrs. P: Take that you syrupy (bang) ...tch. And (crash) that. (silence) That's shut her up.

Urg: I hope this mic still works. They told me I'd be gone if I damaged or lost another one.

Mrs. P: No. They've got to keep you on. They have to have at least one goblin. They put it in their charter. Now where was I? Yes. Fudge. So I show him all the mess and he starts screaming "Well scourgify it woman! Scourgify it!" As though I could scourgify anything with my broom. I told him, "Look" I said "I'm a squib and I dust and I sweep. That's all I do. And I'm not responsible for damage." And then he rushed off saying "I'm not having such horror in my ministry." Well, you can imagine how I felt. No one has ever called me a horror before and even if he is the minister he has no right to say bad things to people. I never mentioned his slippers. You should have seen the moth eaten things.

Urg: So you are prepared to go up and down blocking the visitors entrance until the matter is resolved?

Mrs. P: Well I have no choice to tell the truth. I can't get back out. I was really going home after that fiasco with Fudge but I was in such a tizzy as I got in to the lift I caught my broom in the grill at the bottom and now it just keeps going up and down without stopping.

Urg: I ... (coughs) I ... (chokes) I ... this is Urg the Unclean signing off from the Ministry of Magic, trying to keep down a rising sense of panic.

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rettoP yrraH - Apr 27, 2004 4:23 am (#102 of 179)

*squeak* *tiptoe tiptoe* *shuffle*

*Sneaks into office and behind Ugh*

UGH! YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL! GET BACK TO WORK!     Eeeeeww...now look what you did!.....well clean it up....

I come back after a half a year and what do I find? A SLEEPING FOOL! Oh, and GET OUT OF MY CHAii...forget it...ewwwweee...when was the last time you took a shower? WHA? THE LAST TIME I WAS HERE?

BOOORIIIIIIISSSSSSSS! Boris. Clean. Ugh Smell. No no, no brain for master...no...you work for me now....no! I don’t need an extra toe...not another eye either...and put that away do you want the police to...never mind, no take it out of your mouth! Bad Boris Bad!....no entrails for you after dinner looks like you just had some...

*jumps into a waiting car and zooms off into a pothole* !@#$!!#^@#

Lets try that again *Jumps into waiting car and zooms to the nearest Home Depot to get some supplies for an In-Office Shower*

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Kip Carter - Apr 27, 2004 6:40 am (#103 of 179)

Welcome back, Sam, my friend! It is good to see back in command of the WWN Interviews. Your humor has been missed!

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 30, 2004 3:45 am (#105 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean outside courtroom number 2 at The Ministry of Magic waiting for the appearance of Ali Bashir who was convicted moments ago for importing 400 Deedledum carpets to Britain. There is a scrum of reporters here, much pushing and shoving to get the first glimpse of the man dubbed The New Tireist.

Voice: Out of my way. I'm with the Daily Prophet.

Urg: That's nothing to be proud of my good man.

Voice: Watch it you.

Second Voice: Ignore him Bozo. Ali Bashir will when he comes out.

Urg: Would you mind ...?

Dreamy Voice: Actually, the man they are calling Ali Bashir is really ....

Second Voice: And ignore her too. She's obviously with the Squibbler.

Dreamy Voice: It's the Quibbler and you may ignore us, you may even try to bore us but the clever ones are for us.

Voice: Is she for real?

(Snort)

Second Voice: Ah! Here we are Bozo. Get a close up. Try to catch him looking shifty. It will go well with what I have to say.

Voices: Mr. Bashir! Mr. Bashir!

Urg: The door has opened slightly. We can't see anyone yet. Oh! The door has closed again.

Second Voice: Well, you wait and get a photo Bozo. I'll go off and write my interview until you get back.

Urg: WRITE THE .... Are you totally without scruples? Do you .... (ffffft) Ah! I can't see. I can't see.

Second Voice: Good one Bozo. Flash right in the eyes just as he had his mouth wide open in outrage. Use Floatoshop and put a fez on him. We'll say it's Bashir shocked by the decision. Let's go.

Urg: Aaaaagh! I've gone blind.

Dreamy Voice: Is this your microphone on the floor? You shouldn't hold your hands over your eyes you know. Not if you've been touching anything unsanitory. You really could go blind.

Urg: OH! OH! Oh! I can see. Oh! It was like looking into the Sun.

Dreamy Voice: You'll be all right.

Urg: I hope so. I need to get this interview with Ali Bashir.

Dreamy Voice: You've just missed him. He left with his lawyer while you were rolling around on the floor screaming.

Urg: Missed ...? (mutters) Oh! No. The boss will have my hide again. (Louder) Say, are you in a hurry?

Dreamy Voice: Not really.

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean outside courtroom number 2 at The Ministry of Magic talking to someone who witnessed the disappearance of Ali Bashir who was convicted moments ago for importing 400 Deedledum carpets to Britain.

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rettoP yrraH - Apr 30, 2004 3:09 am (#104 of 179)

I must be hearing things...Boris, check the signals....seems His Lordship managed to get past the “security”

Any way...In today’s news

*in flaps Errol*.....uhh Errol? This is last week Monday’s News....Errol? *poke*

**:Errol opens one eye**:

*prod prod*....

Well *ahem* now for last week Monday’s News

Song Jingle thingy: News News News, We have your Neeeewwssss

geeze, I can’t stand that jingle...Anyhow,

A muggle was crossing the street and got hit by a large purple object. When we called The Knight Bus Inc. All we got was this clip ‘lo if this be aboot that boos go broosh Nesseies teeth! W’dint d’it g’t it? Now b’gger off b’fore the telly sends ‘th loong distance ‘ex!

Our new Switchboard Operator, Heinrich will be getting the purple bunny ears removed.

Hey Ugh!...we need more news! This is getting boring! And stop that moaning! Its only a spider...come on...*hands Ugh a stalk of celery* Here’s your raise in celery you happy?

Boris? Why is there a bill from the morgue? Have you been buying brains again?...Look Boris, two rules. One Don’t buy em on my bill, Two Don’t send em to my house...Dr. Frank’ll take ‘em

Uhh..are we on Air?............................................................................................Ugh! Take the celery out of your Ear!........................................*wump*.........................*crash*.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...............Who? W-w-ho?...................................*muffled sounds of a scuffle*..............no! NO BRAIN STAYS IN BAG!........................................PEOPLE OF THE MAGIC WORD! I AM YOUR NEW MASTER SUPre........*zzzzzZzzzzZZzzzZZzz*

Were sorry for the interruption, but it seems Boris has put the brain on Errol. Errol in return seems bent on world domination now....and then he fell asleep...

Ugh...fix Errol up...and give the brain back to were it came from...


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rettoP yrraH - May 3, 2004 3:48 am (#106 of 179)

Sits at desk playing the exiting game of domino stacking...

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Istari Jones - May 3, 2004 5:26 am (#107 of 179)
Edited by May 2, 2004 10:35 pm

Ok, Urg, I'm gonna try it. Now don't expect too much. My plan is to start slow and work my way up to really controversial topics, like cauldron bottom thicknesses. So, here goes nothing...

SSSkkkrrreeee!!! Is this mike on? (Tap, tap) Hello! This is Istari Jones coming to you tonight from a secret location in London where I am interviewing an interesting person....uhh, creature,...thingie. First is none other but Harry Potter's trash bin, or trash can as we say here from the States. Hello, Mr. Can, or would you rather me call you Mr. Bin?

Mr. B: (Silence)

Istari: (pleasantly) OK, we'll stick with Mr. Bin. Tell me, Mr. Bin, how did you decide on the trash collecting business for your life's work?

Mr. B: (Silence)

Istari: (Pauses patiently)Oh-kaaayy...So, Mr. Bin, was this job one that runs in your family? Or did you just like perks, like good retirement and a chance to advance to a better position, like...a dumpster?

Mr. B: (Silence)

Istari: I supposes there are a few perks to this job, like all the Chocolate Frog wrappers you can have and such?

Mr. B: (More silence)

Istari: I'm interested in some of the other ...uhh...stuff that gets thrown your way, Mr. Bin, like love letters, perhaps? Scraps of parchment with initials "RW loves HG" and things like that? C'mon, Binny-boy - 'fess up! Anything mushy from Harry Potter to a certain girl at Hogwarts? Hmmm?

Mr. Bin: (Belches loudly. A whiff of newspaper and owl droppings float densely in the air)

Istari: (Waves hand frantically in front of face) My word! Mr. Bin! Now tell me, Mr. Bin (shuffles papers nervously) Can you tell me anything about the Order of the Phoenix? Just who is involved? I'm sure you get lots of scraps of parchment with plans on it! Anything you'd like to share?

(Kreacher walks sullenly into room): Oh, my poor Mistress! What would she think? Mudbloods and traitors and werewolves and now a strange Muggle. What would my poor Mistress say? Muggles in her home, with the Blood Traitor and her brats, and...

Istari: Wait, I'm not a Muggle, I'm a Democrat!

Kreacher: Ooo, the Muggle thinks she being funny, doesn't she? Well, Kreacher knows that she shouldn't be here, no, she shouldn't be here at all...

Istari: I'm interviewing Mr. Bin, Kreacher... say, how would you like to be interviewed? You can talk into this microphone here and ...

Kreacher: The Muggle thinks she can trick Kreacher into being friends with her, but Kreacher is too smart for the Muggle, yes.

Istari: It doesn't sound like you are too happy with the people who are staying here now, Kreacher.

Kreacher: No, the Blood traitors and Mudblood and criminals should leave. Ooo, what my Mistress would say if she only knew...

Istari: Your Mistress? Who would that be, Kreacher?

Kreacher: Kreacher will get her for you, yesss, wait right here, Kreacher will be right back...

Istari: ????...Well, that was interesting. So, Mr. Bin. I bet you overhear all kinds of things about the Order of the Phoenix. Tell me, is Dumbledore really the Giant...

Mrs. Black: SCUM! VERMIN! POLLUTED REFUSE FROM VILLIANS AND TRAITORS...!!!

Istari: What the heck? Who's that?

Mrs. Black: BEGONE FROM THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS! DIRT! FILTH...!

Kreacher: Ooo, Mistress is not pleased, no she is not pleased at all with the Muggle in her home, and a Yankee to boot. No, the Muggle should leave...

Mr. Bin: (belches louder now - feathers fly out of the top of the trashcan)

Istari: I said I'm not a Muggle! I work for the WNN and...

Mrs. Black: ABOMINATION! PESTILENTIAL ROT AND DECAY! VILE DESPICABLE MUGGLE MONSTER! BEGONE!

Kreacher (smiling): Ooo, my Mistress is not happy, no. The Muggle better leave, yes, before my Mistress tells Kreacher to chase the Muggle away! Yes!

Mr. Bin: (begins spewing feathers, owl droppings, a rotten apple peel and wadded balls of parchment at Istari)

Istari:(PHHT!) Stop it! (*Hack*) Stop it! (Spits, chokes, shakes head with eyes closed tightly, waving arms rapidly in front of face)

Mrs. Black: SWINE! WORTHLESS VILE...

Istari: (gets hit in head with dropping-filled Daily Prophet) This is Istari Jones at the Secret Headquarters of (Whacked in face with an old sock) the Order of...

Mrs. Black: FILTH! MURDERER!...

Kreacher: Ooo, Mistress is very upset, yes, the Muggle should leave, yesss...

Istari: ...the Phoenix, signing off until next time when I shall be interviewing Grawp, a newcomer to these parts, about changes in socio-economic reform and inflation. Till next time, goodbye!

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Urg the Unclean - May 3, 2004 4:23 pm (#108 of 179)

Wait, I'm not a Muggle, I'm a Democrat!

Perfect!

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rettoP yrraH - May 5, 2004 8:10 pm (#109 of 179)

This is Sam for once on location in the US of A!   Live from New York! Picking up on the trend of interviewing garbage receptacles!

I am now on a street called….se…sesa….well something like that, I’ll just stop at the first can and…

**:Knock Knock**:

Go Away!

Sam: we just want to ask some que…

GO AWAY! * a green thing pops out of the can *

Why its….Dobby?

Dobby: No! I’m Dobby’s homeless cousin Osc….Ollie

Sam: That’s nice can we ask you some quest…....

Ollie: NO! Go away! *Slam*

Sam: uhh….well seems they have some big Owls here…say you! The big yella guy…yeah you…what do you think of the Troll Protection Clause?

Big Yellow Guy: I know a Song about it…I’ll sing it….OH GOOOORDON! B flat minor please….Oooooohhhhhhhhh Trolls are green and smelly because they never take a bath! Almost like goblins who’d chop them right in half! So brush your gums and clean your sink because kids, with out me you can’t thiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkk!!!! (vote Nixon!)

Sam: * Sniff* that was nice….-blink- uuuhh I’m getting out of here! There’s this big T-rex heading my way with a Iodine deficiency. Woah! That’s big eyes! Yikes! This is sam on the run from a giant big violet colored Dino….AHHHHHHHH *strains of a familiar song float over the airwaves….then……AVADA KADAVRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! DIE YOU BIG PURPLE THING! AHHHH!!!!!!!!! –ineffective-

Sound tec that’s on the site: Stun him in the eye! In the eye! He’s coming this way! Move! * crash bump*-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------(boo)--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------(yawn)----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*wooooosshhhhhhh*……..*Wump!* Ok! Every one made it back to the Studio? Tom?

Sam: It Seems Tom The Tec has been spliced we’ll get him fixed up in no time….From the Studio, this is Sam ‘the Man' spacin.g……o..u…..

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Istari Jones - May 6, 2004 8:07 pm (#110 of 179)

(Thock thock thock) Is this mike on? Istari Jones here again with another interview of an inanimate object: a suit of Armor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Istari: Good afternoon, how are you today?

Suit of Armor: (Silence)

Istari: Wonderful! So, tell me, how long have you been a resident here at Hogwarts?

Suit of Armor: (Silence)

Istari: (Looks intently at Suit of Armor) SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AT HOGWARTS?

Suit of Armor:(Silence)

Istari: O-kaaay, so...I understand Christmases here are quite the thing, and that you suits of armor have a lot of talent singing. Would you care to give us a bit of a sample?

Suit of Armor: (creakily turns head toward Istari and opens visor) "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,

Oh what fun it is ...it is to..." (silence)

Istari: That was pretty good! Did you forget the rest of the words? Why don't you try again?

Suit of Armor: (Turns head back and opens visor again) "Jingle bells, you feet smells, I wish you'd go away!"

Istari: I beg your pardon?

Suit of Armor: "Silent night, Holy night, Round John Sturgeon, crayons and bile..."

Istari: Excuse me? I'm sorry, Mr. Armor, but I don't think ...

Suit of Armor: "Oh I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Weiner..."

Istari: That's not a Christmas song! Now really, Mr. Armor, let's get back to the interview, shall we? Now, There's a rumor going around that Professor Dumbledore is the Giant Squid. Can you tell us anything about this rumor?

Suit of Armor: Okey-dokey! There's a rumor going around that Professor Dumbledore is the Giant Squid!

Istari: No, wait! I just said that! Can you confirm or deny that rumor?

Suit of Armor: Ask me nicely and I shall say something!

Istari: (becoming exasperated) OK, Mr. Armor, will you please confirm or deny that rumor?

Suit of Armor: Something!

Istari: Hey! Wait a minute!

Suit of Armor: I told you if you asked me nicely I would tell you something!

Istari: (Grumbling loudly) This interview is a total waste of time...

Suit of Armor: (cackles with laughter) If you come closer, I'll give you better stories than that rumor!

Istari: (stupidly falls for it) Well, OK. (leans closer) Like what?

Suit of Armor: Like...Professor Snape is really a vampire!

Istari: (Eyes widen in surprise) Prof...Professor Snape?

Suit of Armor: And Professor Trelawney and Hagrid are having an affair...

Istari: Oh, that's not really any of my business!

Suit of Armor: Then come closer, I have a really good story for you...

Istari: (leans closer like an idiot) Yes?

Suit of Armor: They say... (voice gets quieter, causing Istari to get closer) they say...

Istari: Yes??? Yes??

Suit of Armor: Pssst...psstpsst...(whisper)...

Istari: (opens visor and peers inside) Yes? ***SPLACK!*** (gets hit in face by a huge ink pellet. Peeves flies away cackling loudly)

Istari: (wiping ink from her face and clothes unsuccessfully) Snarkle frazzin' rastin' booger-eatin' slobber- headed... (realizes she's still on the air...) Uhhh. Well, there you have it, folks! Direct from Hogwarts, until next time, this is Istari Jones, signing off! I hope my celery is big enough for my dry-cleaning bill...

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rettoP yrraH - May 11, 2004 4:03 am (#111 of 179)

Welcome all to the first episode of Dr. Sam! In this session we will tackle the terrible magic curse of Seasonal Allergies.

DrSam: Here in the studio is the world renowned Prof. Sneezy who’s brother happens to be named Dopey and Grumpy and…Hey! Who put the Snow White script on my desk! Any how excuse me? Oh…sorry…it’s Dr. Wheezy…sorry Mr. Wheezy

Dr. Wheezy: Yeah we run a great business…loads of great stuff for all cures…Meet my partner Prof. Weird.

Prof Weird: Hi

DS: So Doc Weezy what is your formal education

DW: Ummm Uh….* Pssssst * Fred! Write something up!

DW#2: Umm * Scribble * here

DS: Slogborts? Never heard of it…

DW: It was great they even have a swamp in there…here Dr. Sam take this

DS: Tweeeeettttt  . . .Hey! . . . **tweet**

DW#2: Oy! George Lets get out here!…

DW: Gotcha Fred!

Sam: Hey You Guys! **tweet** Hey! HEY! NO! NOT PINK AND PURPLE FEATHERS!…….

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Urg the Unclean - May 13, 2004 8:15 am (#112 of 179)

Urg: This is correspondent, Urg the Unclean meeting today with Stanley Shunpike, conductor of the Knight's bus. Good morning Stanley.

Stan: Wow!

Urg: Stanley. I understand you are a long time friend of Madam Marsh, recently honored with a most travelled witch award.

Stan: Madam Marsh? 'Choo bring 'er up for?

Urg: I would like you to tell us about your friendship with one of Britain's most venerable witches.

Stan: You said you wanted to talk about me and the Knight bus. I took a day off work to do this.

Urg: I do want to talk about the Knight's bus. I'm getting to that.

Stan: Getting to that. But not getting on it. The Knight Bus is only for wizards it is.

Urg: And witches.

Stan Anyone who can use a wand and can stick out their wand arm can stop the bus and get on.

Urg: How about squibs?

Stan: Ah! They're a special case. Depends how squibby they are. There are upper squibs, middle squibs and lower squibs. The bus can always detect an upper squib and will go to where they are. A middle squib can only be detected depending on the wever and atmosferic conditions. Lower squibs are out of luck.

Urg: Can you tell us Stanley how the Knight's bus detects when a wizard puts out his wand arm?

Stan: It's Knight Bus Urg. Not Knights. 'Choo keep saying that for? You are a card you are.

Urg: OK. Knight Bus.

Stan: I would like to say hello to my mum and dad and to my sister, Beryl and her three children, Johnny, Joanie and ....

Urg: Stanley!

Stan: Yes Urg.

Urg: How does the bus detect when a wizard needs it?

Stan: Or a witch.

Urg: Or a witch.

Stan: Or an upper squib.

Urg: Or an upper squib or a middle squib depending

Together: ... on the weather and atmospheric conditions.

(silence)

Urg: Well?

Stan: I don't know.

(pause)

Urg: Can you tell us what you do know about the Knight Bus?

Stan: It makes the best 'ot chocolate in the 'ol world does the Knight Bus. 'Choo know Urg, we've 'ad people stop us just for a cup of 'ot chocolate. Never even got on and took a ride they didn't.

Urg: OK Stanley. Apart from the hot chocolate what else can you tell us about the Knight Bus?

Stan: Well, Urg. It's very eagle tarian is the Knight Bus. We only let people off in the same order they got on. Ern & I get a good larf out of it sometimes.

Urg: Why is that funny?

Stan: Sometimes they only want to go to the next village don't they? But they got to get off in order see and sometimes we can take 'em all over before we let 'em off. I remember just last monf Mrs. Priggatt 'oo only wanted to go to Maida Vale. It's only six miles down the road from 'er is Maida Vale. Well, firs' stop was Carlysle weren't it. An' then from there we went to Torquay. Then to Norwich. Back up to Preston. Over to Canterbury. Then way up to Loch Lemon which they made the song about. Down to Bournemouf. And then it was time for lunch. Ern and I always stop at The Cross Eyed Frog near Windsor for lunch. There, you always get free soup with every meal. Then it was off to Glasgow. A little place called 'Avering atte Bower in Essex. Then finally to Maida Vale.

Urg: I don't find that funny at all.

Stan: Neiver did Mrs. Priggatt. In tears she was. Missed her daughter's wedding she did. Ern and I 'ad a good larf over that. We larfed so 'ard we 'ad to make a special stop.

Urg: Is there anything else you wish to tell us about the Knight Bus, Stanley?

Stan: We've got nice toofbrushes in all colours. I've got one of each. That's a perk of the job.

Urg: Anything else?

Stan: Every two years we paint it a different colour. This year it's purple.

Urg: And what colour was it before?

Stan: It was purple then too. But a different shade of purple. Ern and I like purple.

Urg: Stanley! Is there any advice you would like to give a witch or a wizard

Stan: Or an upper squi ....

Urg: SQUIB! Yes! ... who have never ridden the Knight Bus?

Stan: This is for the 'undreds of people list'ning?

Urg: Thousands. Yes.

Stan: Well. (deep breath) You will be welcomed to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Stan Shunpike and I will be your conductor. (pause) 'Ow did I do?

Urg: Lovely. Wonderful. Thank you Stanley for sharing this incredible knowledge.

Stan: Not at all, Urg. 'Appy to oblige.

Urg: (mutters) Thank God that's over. What an incredibly stupid kid. Wait a minute. He can't be that young. (shouts) Stanley! How old are you?

Stan: (in distance) I'm forty eight next April Urg.

Urg: How do you look so young?

Stan: It's the 'ot chocolate Urg. It's a special concoction we get whenever we're in Hogsmeade.

Urg: (mutters) So that's why Madam Marsh has been shunted all over Britain for fifteen years. It's all due to Mr. Shunpike. It makes me glad I don't have a wand arm.