Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews

Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews

Edited by Oct 10, 2006 5:55 am

Hello folks this is Sam I am rewriting the orignal STUFFED post.

#1 All who want to be STUFFED are as soon as the ask me.

#2 Please Move all new and old threads here.

Thank you

Sam

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Lenka - Mar 21, 2003 5:30 am (#1 of 179)

Hey! We moved. What if Namey can't get a connection now *sob*

Just kidding. I promise no more telegraps unles it's worth reading.

Ellen

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ash158752 - Mar 26, 2003 2:45 am (#2 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Dec 21, 2002 8:52 pm (#45 of 213) Urg: Good evening friends. I've been asked to host the interview this evening with Firenze of the Forbidden Forest.

Urg: Good evening Firenze.

Firenze: Good evening.

Urg: Please sit down.

Firenze: I am sitting.

Urg: Oh! so you are. My, you're a big one. Now Firenze, centaurs have a fascinating history. Can you enlighten us on the history of your kind?

Firenze: I'm only six.

Urg: Yes, well centaurs go back thousands of years. Can you tell us of some of the highlights of your ancient race?

Firenze: I'm six.

Urg: Ok then. Erm ... what can you tell us of the Forbidden Forest and the creatures that live there?

Firenze: The forest hides many secrets.

Urg: I'm sure it does. Can you tell us about Aragog?

Firenze: *Baleful stare.*

Urg: Surely you can tell us if you meet him from time to time.

Firenze: Only when he goes swimming. I meet him then sometimes when he goes to the lake.

Urg: Aragog likes swimming?

Firenze: The backstroke. I watch him when the moon is bright.

Urg: Excuse me, Firenze what is that on the floor behind you? It looks li...

Firenze: Always the innocent are the first to be accused.

Urg: I'm not accusing you Firenze. It's just that it's steaming.

Firenze: Bane told me not to come.

Urg: Don't leave Firenze. I didn't mean to upset you. What's a little steaming hodgepodge between friends?

Firenze: Are you my friend?

Urg: Hopefully! Enough to ask you another burning question if I may.

Firenze: *sighs.*

Urg: Do you know who Barty Crouch is and have you seen him in the forest?

Firenze: That's two questions.

Urg: Well, yes. but ....

Firenze: From ashes to ashes, bones to bones.

Urg: Good. That's what I'm getting at. Did you see him die and get turned into a bone?

Firenze: Mars is bright tonight.

Urg: That's not Mars, Firenze, that's a tinted spotlight. Can you tell us about Crouch.

Firenze: I'm six.

Urg: OH! FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

Firenze: You're a goblin aren't you?

Urg: YES! I ... well ... I

Firenze: Goblins are known to be violent. I think I should leave now.

Urg: But Firenze ...

Firenze: Bane awaits. (leaves)

Urg: Awww! Well there you have it folks. Lots of tidbits to mull over. Is there really no giant squid, only Aragog doing the backstroke? Was Barty the bane of Barty? We'll have all the answers next time when we interview Ronan, centaur of the Forbidden Forest.

Urg: (To technician) Boris. Can I borrow your halberk so I can clean this off the floor?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Urg the Unclean - Mar 30, 2003 4:41 am (#3 of 179)

yrrah rettop: the big question on everyone's mind has been why is Lord Voldemort so afraid of dying. Our #1 roving reporter, Boris the Bewildered was sent several weeks ago to interview the Dark Lord but as he hasn't been heard from since we've assigned our #42 roving reporter, Ugh the Dirty to get to the bottom of the death thing by interviewing a ghost to find out what death is really like. are you there Ugh?

Urg the Unclean: URG!

yrrah: What was that Ugh? You're kind of breaking up there.

Urg: Urg the Unclean.

yrrah: Yes, well did you find your ghost Ugh?

Urg: URG! Yes I have a ghost with me now.

yrrah: Who is it Ugh? The Bloody Baron? James or Lily?

Urg. Well most ghosts don't like to be seen hob nobbing with goblins yrrah but I have the only one ... the most interesting one to commit to an interview.

yrrah: Go ahead then Ugh. You sure know how to pick them.

Urg: I have with me, ladies & gentlemen, the ghost, Binky.

yrrah: Who Ugh? Wait! Stop! Don't go any .... (chokes)

Urg: So Binky, You've been dead for a little over a year now. Have you had time to fully appreciate what death is?

Binky: This is not my first death you know. Phet phet!

Urg: Really! I did not know that. When did that happen?

Binky: Oh! phet phet! Fifty years ago at least.

Urg: So what was dying like? Can you describe it?

Binky: Oh! yes. It was at Hogwarts. It was horrible. (wrinkles nose)

Urg: Wow! tell us what happened. (aside, prepare yourselves for this folks. It could happen to you.)

Binky: Well, one of the boys at the orphanage where I lived brought me to Hogwarts that year. He wasn't nice; kept me in a box in this damp room in the basement. The first time I was taken out I was so excited. But he took me to a classroom with him. That's when it happened. Phet phet!

Urg: When you died? What happened?

Binky: Hooooooh! It was horrible.

Urg: Did he curse you? Did someone tread on you? Were you cut up to be used in a potion?

Binky: (moans) He turned me into a common bedroom slipper.

Urg: Oh! No.

Binky: Oh! Yes. Then he put me back in my box. And that was it. For Fifty years.

Urg: So, Binky. How would you describe death those fifty years?

Binky: Lonely. No one to talk to. Just an old diary. An old parseltongue dictionary. A dirty old cauldron that looked way too thin. Boooooring. Luckily I was saved.

Urg: So, there's hope. How did that come about?

Binky: It was that nice Mr. Lucius Malfoy. He came and looked at the diary you see and then he saw me. He did something with his wand and I was a rabbit again. But a young pretty rabbit. Phet phet!

Urg: (gasps) N-n-nice Mr Malfoy?

Binky: Oooh! Yes. He took me to a store where there were all sorts of other pets and traded me for a toad. And then this nice girl came in right after and took me home with her. But then I got eaten.

Urg: So what's death like this time?

Binky: No better. At least I'm out in the sunshine but I'm tempted all the time and that's not nice.

Urg: Tempted?

Binky: Yes. Phet phet! All that lovely food and I can't taste any of it. I tried to nibble on a carrot once but couldn't taste a thing.

Urg: Anything else?

Binky: Well no. That's it really. Phet phet! It's not nice being dead.

Urg: Well, Binky. You've been very helpful. Thanks for hopping over.

Binky: That's OK. You don't have any clover on you by any chance, do you?

Urg: No. sorry. I gave it up years ago.

Binky: Oh! not to worry. I couldn't really carry it anyway. Bye then.

Urg: Bye Binky.

Urg: Well, there you have it folks. The darkest fears of the Dark Lord laid bare. A powerful wizard he may be but the thought of becoming a fluffy bedroom slipper brings out the Mr. Hyde in him. The thought of being without a carrot for all of eternity makes him do unforgivable things. The thought of not being around that nice Mr. Malfoy makes him ... well, not nice. Don't make the same mistake folks. Stay away from Hogwarts and foxes. Back to you yrrah.

yrrah: I'm not sure if Ugh has the right interpretation there but he did get a ghost to talk about death and we should praise him for that. OK Ugh! You can clean up now.

Urg: URG! you fool! Cleanup? I've never been so insulted.

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Madam Poppy - Mar 31, 2003 6:01 am (#4 of 179)

Madam Poppy - Feb 15, 2003 4:14 pm (#150 of 213)

INTER-OFFICE MEMO: Attention Hogwarts Staff!

The Hospital Staff wish to inform all Personnel that we are currently suffering from an outbreak of Vex Hex. Several students have reported minor irritations of mismatched socks and fingerless gloves. The major outbreak of the Vex Hex seems to have hit the Syltherin House. Their boys have shown up at the Hospital wearing floorlength pink dresses with matching bows in their hair. Unfortunately time is our only cure. Students will have to let the hex run its course. Till then, let us all be especially supportive of our stricken Staff member Professor Snape who is to be seen walking the halls in a wedding dress.

Thank you for your help during this vexing time,

Sincerely, Madam Pomfrey

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PyroGrl - Mar 31, 2003 11:05 pm (#5 of 179)
Edited by Mar 31, 2003 3:06 pm

Me: Welcome, welcome all you Harry Potter fans! Here with us today is…Draco Malfoy!

Draco: **enters stage and sits down in a chair that we brought from his manor**

Me: Hello, Draco! Comfy?

Draco: …Er…I guess so.

Me: Goody. Know why you’re here?

Draco: **looks intently at my face** Have we met?

Me: **blush** Er…no, we haven’t. Well-

Draco: Because you look very familiar.

Me: You probably saw my photo in the Daily Prophet…or something…

Draco: Aren’t you…what’s your name?

Me: PyroGrl, why?

Draco: I KNEW IT!

Me: Oh no…uh knew what, Draco?

Draco: YOU’RE THE SAME PYROGRL WHO LOCKED US UP FOR THREE MONTHS, AREN’T YOU? **starts to foam at the mouth, growl and snap at people**

Me: No! Okay, here’s the truth. I am CyroGrl, PyroGrl’s twin sister. Pyro’s the Devil, I am the Angel. Get it? Pyro’s sick today so I’m filling in for her. **crosses fingers and hopes lie works**

Draco: **stares suspiciously** Okay…

**uncomfortable silence**

Me: Okay, you’re going to answer some fan questions.

Draco: Fine.

Me: **reading off a slip of paper** Do you like Hermione?

Draco: Of course –

Someone in audience: **coughs loudly**

Draco: - I –

Someone in audience: **sneezes**

Draco: -like that Mudblood. What did you think?

Me: *Ahem* Okay then…er…if you were stuck on a desert island, who would you rather be stuck with: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, or Hermione Granger?

Draco: …Potter would throw me off or hurt me in some terrible way…

**Somehow, Harry Potter appears in the room.**

Harry: Got that right, Malfoy! **Disappears**

All: **blink blink**

Me: Er…okay…that’s one part of the question answered.

Draco: Weasley couldn’t afford to go…but he’d be easy to boss around…

**Somehow, Ron Weasley appears in the room**

Ron: Wanna bet, Malfoy?! **Disappears**

Me: Alright, that leaves Hermione.

Draco: **tries unsuccessfully to hide a gleeful smile** I guess so…

Me: Why do you look so happy? I thought you hated Hermione.

Draco: I do.

Me: …Okay. Why Hermione?

Draco: She could find a way off the island with her brain.

Me: Good point. Next question –

Draco: You sure you’re not-

Me: We don’t have much time left, Draco.

Draco: Okay.

Me: Would you join Voldemort? Ever?

Draco: If he offered me money, no. If he offered me power…er…no. If he threatened me or someone I cared about, yes.

**Harry, Ron and Hermione appear out of thin air**

HRH: PETTIGREW!! **Disappear**

Draco: I wish they’d stop that!

HRH: **Keep doing it just to annoy Draco**

Me: Ignore them, Draco.

Draco: **glares at HRH**

Me: Last question: If you could be one of those three for a day, who would you be and why?

Draco: Potter. Screw up his potions. Wreck his marks. Take points from Gryffindor. But mostly…I’d get to ride a FIREBOLT!

Me: **blinks**

Draco: **gets a dreamy expression**

Me: Picturing you and Hermione on a moonlit broom ride?

Draco: Yes.  NO!  **looks horrified at what he just said**

Me: Okay, that wraps it up! **winks at Draco**Thank you for coming today, Draco! Let’s give him a big round of applause!

Audience: **applause**

Draco: **leaves**

Me: And now, let’s welcome Treebeard!

**End**

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Ticker - Apr 3, 2003 3:37 pm (#6 of 179)

Ticker - Feb 15, 2003 1:10 am (#149 of 213)

•••beep•••beep•••beep•••be-beeeeep••• * We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this special report... An unusual mutant hex is taking the wizarding world by storm - or in this case, by fad. Unusual articles of enchanted muggle clothing are forcing themselves onto unsuspecting wizards.

“All I know is one morning I woke up in orange & purple striped knickers & a sports bra. My wife was furious.” says an uncomfortable Irwin Dinkerbrink. “I haven’t been able to sit properly for a week since she performed the knee-reversing hex.”

Not all have been so lucky. Elna Bight, 8 years old, was apparently pursued by “cowboy boots” for nearly 4 hours before she collapsed & succumbed to the hex. By the time she was found, 13 other infected garments had attached themselves to her, ranging from “Sponge-Bob boxer shorts” to an “I LUV NY tee-shirt”.

Ministry of Magic officials declined to comment on who could be behind the attacks, but warn that the hex is unusually contagious. Extreme caution should be taken while in muggle shopping centers & malls as these seem to be the most likely places to unwittingly acquire the hex.

“The problem with this hex is that it can take hours between the acquisition & the actual garment mugging so it’s very hard to trace.”, says Dwayne Riddinger, Medi-wizard. “One can expect a full week of inappropriate outfits before it wears off, no pun intended.”

Back to you Sam.

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Carina - Apr 4, 2003 5:40 am (#7 of 179)

This just in...

While the Vex Hex has been reported worldwide, it seems to be most prominent closer to home...

Wizards and witches are reporting sudden outbreaks during fashionable tea parties where the guests insist on going to the upstairs rooms and rummaging through the hostess's undergarment drawers...

While no confirmation has yet reached this office, a renegade splinter of the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare (SPEW) has taken credit for the wildfire spread of the hex, stating "It is our sincere hope that a few of your house elves got attacked by our flying clothes and are now free. As for the rest of you, er... sorry".

Hermione Granger, founder, president and CEO of SPEW refused to comment.

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W J - Apr 4, 2003 5:57 pm (#8 of 179)

Interview with Emma Matthewson, who is currently editing "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" for Bloomsbury.

WJ: Here is some background information provided by the Leaky Cauldron: The 6 weeks she was editing "Goblet of Fire", Emma Matthewson apparently had been mugged twice (her car was broken into) but it has never been confirmed whether or not it had anything to do with the manuscript. But alas - she had it physically on her at all times and when not working on it she kept it in a safety box at the bank. -- Thank you, Leaky for that insight.

WJ: And now here is Emma Matthewson just arriving. Hello, Emma, how are you today?

Emma: YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

WJ: 'Sorry? I am not sure what you mean. You seem nervous, Emma. Are you okay?

Emma: STAY BACK! I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY!

WJ: I can see that you do! Please, I just want to ask you some questions!

Emma: I WON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING! YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR JUNE 21ST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I SAID STAY BACK!

WJ: Believe me I am staying back! Watch where you point with that stuff! I just want to ask about your job and what it's like to be the first one to read each new Harry Potter book. Oh, you dropped something there. Let me get it for you.

Emma: I WARNED YOU TO STAY BACK! [spray, spray, spray]

WJ: AAAHHHH! MY EYES! AAAHHH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! AAAHHH! SECURITY, HELP!

Emma: NOOOOO! STAY BACK! I PROMISED JOANNE THAT I WOULD PROTECT IT WITH MY LIFE! NO ONE CAN READ IT YET! STAY BACK! *is dragged away clutching the manuscript tightly to her chest.*

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Diagon Nilly - Apr 12, 2003 11:25 pm (#9 of 179)

I would like to present before you my impression of the Sorting Hat in Dumbledore's office on a day it's feeling particularly ornery and bored. A-hem:

Sortng Hat: Dumbledore. Dumbledore. What are you doing? Are you reading? Are you trying to concentrate? Oh, you're adding. 7! 14! 33! 6! 8! 34! Am I bothering you? Am I? Am I bothering you?

Dumbedore: Please stop talking to me.

Sorting Hat: I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to you. I'm not touching you either. And do you know WHY I'm not touching you? Because the fact remains that I am, indeed, just a hat.

(to random portrait on wall)

Sorting Hat: What are you looking at?

Portrait: What are YOU looking at?

Sorting Hat: What are you looking at?

Portrait: What are YOU looking at?

Sorting Hat: Are you talking to me?

Portrait: You're the only hat here.

Dumbledore: You're all driving me crazy. I'm going to the library.

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Carina - Apr 13, 2003 2:16 am (#10 of 179)
Edited by Apr 12, 2003 7:18 pm

LOL! D'Nilly, I think our sorting hats need to meet each other!

edit: I just remembered, mine's not here, it's on the Would Be Quotes thread.

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Landman - Apr 22, 2003 2:12 am (#11 of 179)

This transcript of a conversation between Dobby and Jar Jar Binks was just discovered. It happened at the premiere of Chamber of Secrets.

D: Dobby thinking he is good in movie

J: Me-sa tinks you-sa just okay

D: Bad Dobby! **sound of someone banging their head on the ground**

J: Why you-sa not like dat Harry Potter?

D: Dobby is loving Harry Potter -- the greatest wizard. . .

J: You-sa do lotsa bad tings to him

D: Oh, Dobby has done terrible things! **more banging**

J: You-sa should no be in movie anymore! Me-sa be new house-elf.

D: Dobby thinks. . .huh?

J: "Oh-sa, Harry Potter no must go-sa back to Hogwarts"

**pause**

D: Dobby thinks you sucked in Stars Wars!

J: How wude!

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Sly Girl

- Apr 22, 2003 6:46 am (#12 of 179)

oh god Landman, you just slayed me with that. I just giggled away into my hot tea.

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Sly Girl - Apr 22, 2003 7:29 am (#13 of 179)
Edited by Apr 22, 2003 12:30 am

In a completely timely fashion I came across this-

http://www.mugglenet.com/fp-starwars.shtml

Star Wars mock ups with a Harry Potter theme! They have Dobby as Yoda and.. Well, let's just say I liked the Ron and Hermione shot. lol No Jar Jar though.

Sorry for interrupting the interviews, couldn't resist.

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 23, 2003 2:59 am (#14 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Jan 26, 2003 9:44 pm (#115 of 213)

Hello again every one welcome to WWNterviews I am Sam, Sam I am, I will not..*BAM*...*BAM*...Than..k...s Uhg (Its URG you Idiot!) Ehhm ‘scuse me
*sheepish grin*  Today we are interviewing Professor Dumbledors socks (think wooly? you know what I mean) Made possible with Magic, Special Effects, and a bit of insanity on my part.

Sam: Good Morning Socks

Socks: **Dormant. Still. (one falls over)**

Sam: Hmmm not enough starch huh? well this should do it Talkitus!

Socks: **Dormant. Still.**

Sam: Well to the good old Computer it is! *bleep* Bloop* Bloop* POW* *BAM* (hey ever wonder why good old computers make so much noise? you know what I mean? I’ts like *SPLAT* t..thanks for the sponge to the face Uhg  (IT’S URG!! ) *POW* *POW*
* BAM* *BOOOM* Hehe there goes the good old computer.....

Socks: HECK! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING I DON’T HAVE TO TYPE IT!

Sam: Hey um Ugh do me a favor? Get rid of the new stenographer....(ITS URG YOU FOOL, URG!) Well Magic didn't work, the good old comp (Rest In Peace) isn't good anymore, Time for some InSaNitY BWAHAHAHAHAH*BAM* ok Ugh all under control (URG URG AAAAH URG!!! NOT UGH!!!)

Socks: Well Hey there!

Sam: It WORKED uh...should I be happy? damn pills! So how is it being Dumbldors socks?

Socks: (WARNING if you have not gotten the punch line yet you are seriously slow thank you) It stinks!

Sam: May I say that I saw that coming?

Socks: HEY Bub! are you making fun of our job?

Sam: *snort* No way *coff* So Mr. Right Sock do you get along with the left?

R. Sock: Sure unless Dobby snatches me

Sam: Ahhh...dirt on Dobby Eh?

L. Sock: Um...uh this is on air?

Sam: Sure

Socks: Uh oh.....uh We’ll be going now Nice...chatting with your mind...hehe...

Sam: Well Hey! What's the problem?

Socks: If we make fun he might not wash us

Sam: Don’t worry we have Ugh to wash you. HEY Ugh wash these guys (Urg: Thats it I’V HAD ENOUGH I’m tearing down this station starting with *BZZZRP* this then
* FFFZZz* this. and a little this *BOOOM*)

Sam: **as sparks fly and small fires erupt** Well I’ll be *BZZZZZRP* going uh hehe before the police arrive So Lo*BZZZZRRRP* HEY AHHHH MY TOUPE IS ON FIRE!!!

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 23, 2003 3:03 am (#15 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Jan 27, 2003 12:33 pm (#116 of 213)

Boss! Boss! It's Urg. I'm so excited. I've been going to this help group because I was having an identity crisis with everyone not getting my name right and everything and guess who was there Sam? You'll never guess. Go on. Guess. Oh! I'm so excited. You'll never guess in a million years. Just listen to the tape.

It's not a clean recording, Sam. You know how it is: everyone sitting in a circle on wooden chairs telling everyone else their problems ... Well! They let the big guy go first. Check This out.

Speaker: "'Ello! I'm 'agrid. An' I'm a giant. Well, a 'alf giant, really. But it's all the same to them, the ones 'oo don't like giants.

**sound of chairs scraping across the floor.**

My life's not going so well. Don' know 'ow to explain it really.

**long pause. Sounds of people clearing their throats**

Well, it's like this." (very loud sound of a nose being blown) "Tha's be'er. I've got a job. Two jobs really and they're the best jobs in the world. And I'm 'appy really, working. I'm Keeper of the Keys at "Ogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry and I'm also a teacher. Me a teacher. 'ones'ly. But the trouble is ... no one likes me. Well, not no one. Professor Dumbledore likes me. "E's the 'eadmaster and 'e's the one 'oo got me the jobs. Wonderful man, Professor Dumbledore. 'E trusts people. Wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of 'im, mind. 'E's the only one You know Oo is afraid of an' .... I see you're all looking puzzled. You don' know 'oo You Know Oo is and I shoud'n 'ave told you, by rights. Don' get me to say anymore." (sound of big sigh)

Me muvver took off when I was li'le. Can' blame 'er really. She's a giant an' people don' like giants as I've said. She didn' like people come to that. 's not in their nature really. But that's not wot 'urts. I 'ad me dad but 'e died when I started a' the school. Tha' could'a bin a bad time then but I 'ad Dumbledore on my side. 'E 'elped me, 'e did. I did'n 'ave any frien's. None. I though' I 'ad one, Tom. But 'e betrayed me real propper, 'e did. Got me expelled an' all. DECEIVING BAST..."

**Sound of chairs being violently pushed back**

Sorry. Sorry. I can be loud sometimes. Don' mean it. Well, animals were my frien's. Always 'ad bin. But wiv Tom gone an all ... THE NO GOOD LYING, CHEATING ....

**Sound of chairs falling over and rushing feet**

Don' go. Don' go. I'm gen'le as a mouse, really I am. Oh! They've all gone. 'Appens everytime."

'Ello. You the on'y one left? You're a goblin aren' you?

Urg: "Yes. I'm Urg."

Hagrid: "Urg. Tha's a nice name that is."

Urg: "Thanks. It's Urg the Unclean, really but I get called all sorts. Ugh the Dirty most of the time. Makes me feel like a nonentity."

Hagrid: "Ah! Well. You've got to forgive 'em Urg. 'S not their fault. All the 'ustle and bustle of modern life. 'S wonder they remember their own names 'alf the time."

Urg: "It's hard getting called Ugh. Sounds like I've just crawled out from under a stone."

Hagrid: "But tha's where goblins live, ain' it?"

Urg: "Well, yes. I suppose it is."

Hagrid: "Well, nuffin' to worry about then. Tell you wha'. Le's go 'ave a butter beer. I know of a nice quiet place an' it's real close."

Urg: "Good idea. I'm getting to like you quite a bit."

Hagrid: "So it was worth coming. I 'ad me doubts. Bit o' desperation, really. Hey! Do you like spiders?"

**Loud click of tape being shut off**


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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:00 am (#42 of 179)

Marè - Jan 27, 2003 2:17 pm (#117 of 214)

Uhm Ugh....er....Urg, did a person named C. Creevey happen to be part of the group, and did you happen to spend some time with him? Just a little maybe? Just enough to get, let's say, excited? ^_^

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:01 am (#43 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Jan 27, 2003 5:01 pm (#118 of 214)

Creevey has no problem with his name or self. He just needs to get off of the hero worship of one Harry Potter .

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:02 am (#44 of 179)

Marè - Jan 27, 2003 5:29 pm (#119 of 214)

Well that may be because he has a minority complex about himself and therefore is looking for a role model to look up to.

So he might have been there

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:03 am (#45 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Jan 27, 2003 8:34 pm (#120 of 214)

I don't know if a C. Creevey was there. We only know the first names. There was a Cuthbert. He usually kneeled behind his chair rather than sat in it and he had really red eyes. Oh! yes. If anyone dropped anything, a pencil for instance, he'd scream "Who's there? Who's there?"

And there was a Cyril. He was really tall and skinny. Had a red nose and licked his lips a lot.

And there was a Charles who had rather smooth skin and kept crossing his legs a lot. Kept pulling pouty faces at the other men there but he only did it once to Cuthbert because Cuthbert ran from the room screaming "They're here! They're here!"

Would one of them have been C. Creevey?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:04 am (#46 of 179)

Caitlin McCoy - Jan 28, 2003 3:06 am (#121 of 214)

No, I believe that young man's name is Colin...the boy we're talking about anyways...

You didn't happen to see an odd-looking beetle anywhere in the room, did you?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:05 am (#47 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - ?Jan 28, 2003 8:39 am (#122 of 214)

Well with a name like Colin......

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:05 am (#48 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Jan 28, 2003 8:35 pm (#123 of 214)

There may have been a beetle there the first day but that's the day this little wretch of a guy, Gollum came and he kind of cleaned the place up. He didn't come again which was good because I could hardly hear what people were saying with all his hissing.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:06 am (#49 of 179)

Caitlin McCoy - Jan 28, 2003 8:51 pm (#124 of 214)

You should know that we are currently on the lookout for an unregistered animagus that appears in the form of a beetle...keep an eye out, will you?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:07 am (#50 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Jan 28, 2003 8:58 pm (#125 of 214)

My Preshissssss. I think he needs a Gollam Girl Friend. He may speak parseltoung, no?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:07 am (#51 of 179)

Caitlin McCoy - Jan 28, 2003 9:31 pm (#126 of 214)

*too busy laughing her butt off to think up a witty answer*

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:08 am (#52 of 179)

Denise S. - Jan 28, 2003 9:55 pm (#128 of 214)

I say we go get Gollum his girlfriend ASAP--if we do everything we can to get him to our side, we don't have to worry about The One Ring finding its way to Voldemort, and make Harry's job a whole lot easier.

Parseltongue? Maybe not snakes, but I'd definitely consider the possibility of Piscarmouth--the ability to speak with fish. Might this come in handy for our undercover research of the true identity of the Giant Squid?

Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:09 am (#53 of 179)

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Urg the Unclean - Jan 29, 2003 9:16 am (#129 of 214)

Piscarmouth! That may be it. He was in the bathroom a long time and kept flushing the toilet. We heard him saying "Where does it leads, my precious? Where does it leads? To fishes perhaps. Yes it may." When he came out both arms were wet to the shoulders.

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 23, 2003 3:06 am (#16 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 4, 2003 9:30 pm (#130 of 213)

WWN INTERVIEWS PRESENTS AN EXCLUSIVE: DOBBY! AND YODA! CHAT WITH SAM

Hello there folks I have the fortune of having these wonder full guests in my studio say hello to the people

Yoda: Anger much see I

Dobby: I be a House Elf sir *Eeek*

Sam: Ok first question is from Hicksvill Oh Dear Mr. Yoda what is your last name? signed Grechin Grumblersiter.

Y: Named many years ago was Pills forgot I because of.

Sam: Ahh, I won’t go there. Next is to Dobby from NY, NY. Dear Mr. Dobby, how did you iron your hands? signed A. Cabbie

D: He called dobby Sir?? *breaks into tears*

Sam: Ok a different one then this from where? Oh well it says: House Elf ,COME HOME NOW!! the Malfoys.

D: YOU ISN'T DOBBY’S MASTERS ANY MORE bad dobby *wham wham* Not the Board *gronn*

Yoda: Beer Yoda wants have some you do?

Sam: Hey Ugh (ITS URG) give him some butter beer and give Dobby a sedative

Sam: Now to the next...**:Drowned out buy a Huge burp from Yoda**: Is that necessary Mr. Yoda?

Y: Power of force be it.

Sam: Yea? Well not in here Grover.

Yoda: Can it dude! I’m kicking the habit, can’t you give some support?!

Meanwhile.......Dobby Bad *wham* *wham* Dobby BA.....Feel good.....

Sam: Thanks Ugh (IT’S URG!!!!) Think I’ll take a shot at another Question. From the Lexicon Forum to Dobby: What is under the Malfoys Floor?

Dobby: Well Dobby see lots of paper *giggle* Mr. Malfoy has paper doll collection. heehee.

Yoda: *hic* More any Master Sam? Sam: *distracted* sure check the fridge.... **:Yoda summons another Butter Beer**:

Yoda: Be who is this Potter Harry crazy be he?

Dobby: You Isn’t insult Harry Potter.

Yoda: *burp* Insult I who want , Elf.

Dobby: Well you isn’t insulting Harry Potter in front of Dobby!

Y: *yawn* Fight wanna Elf?

D: Dobby isn’t scared!

Yoda pulls out a Light Saber, Dobby points a finger

Yoda: Laugh Yoda does

Dobby: Dobby knows it isn’t funny time

**Sam and Urg run into a corner, Boris sticks around to watch.**

Yoda: *Throws his light saber away and starts crying*

Dobby: **Sits down and sobs**

Now for the Cheesy Barny/Sesamestreet ending......

ALL SAY IN ONE VOICE “VIOLENCE DOESN'T PAY”

UNLESS YOU'RE IN THE MAFIA

Sam: *sigh* Why Do all the Interviews always end up like this? I need a Butter beer....HEY THE GREEN THING DRANK A WHOLE 6 PACK!!!!! *groannn* Clean Up Ugh (ITS URG YOU FOOL!!!!!)

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 23, 2003 3:08 am (#17 of 179)

Mr. Sam

I am registering an official grievance.

You told me I had been "promoted" to the number forty first roving correspondent after my Binky interview and led me to believe it was due to the good work I had done on said interview. I have since met with your Technical Director, Boris who informs me that as the number one correspondent, Boris The Bewildered is presumed dead after attempting to interview The Dark Lord every correspondent was raised one position and that therefore I'm still last.

I might add that I had to pay for four flagons of meade before Boris confided this information.

I accepted the decision that I had to purchase my own microphone & recording equipment due to the fact I take it home with me and it is constantly covered in grit & dirt. I know other correspondents have not had to cough up a knut. I also accepted the fact that when meeting more delicate interviewees I was to wear a paper bag over my head so as not to scare them off. This has caused some discomfit leading to one instance when I had to repeat the interview with Firenze on finding I had been standing at the wrong end and was unable to decipher his monosyllable responses. But being misled I cannot accept.

Boris also advised me that you believe I'll never leave WWN as I have nowhere else to go. There is a position available with the Weird Sisters as a roady and while I love WWN and wish to stay here I may go where I'm appreciated.

In summary, I would like to be called by my real name: Urg The Unclean. I would like to be honestly promoted as I believe I deserve. You could get me into the 30s without any loss of face: Aberforth can't read and wouldn't know the difference if he was dropped to 41 and Sir Cadogan has only submitted one interview and that with his own pony.

I trust this grievance will be honorably dealt with. If not, wait 'til the next rebellion.

Yours in peace and truth,

Ugh The ... (damn, he's got me doing it)  Urg The Unclean

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 23, 2003 3:10 am (#18 of 179)

Hello Sam. Thanks for the reminder that I was supposed to get an update on The Forbidden Forest and more on the Barty Crouch affair by interviewing Ronan, the centaur. Sadly, it's not going at all well.

My friends and neighbours don't understand my work at all. I've been getting a lot of snide comments about hanging around with lower species. So rather than be seen with Ronan in public I invited him around to my place which is a bit off the beaten track. It was a catastrophe, Sam.

Sam, I remember you saying how particular centaurs are and how haughty they can be so I gave the place a good cleaning before he got there. I'd removed all the old bones and washed down the bloodstains. I hung my bladvak collection on the wall like muggles do with their little ducks, smallest on the left; I'd polished them and they shone. I was quite proud of the place, I really was. I'd even made the bed, removed all the old skins and hides and replaced them with fresh hay which can be quite comfortable though goblins avoid it normally.

Then Ronan arrived and I had him make himself at home while I got my tape recorder ready. When I got back he was eating my bed. You see what I mean about lower species? Fancy eating someone's bed. I kind of lost it Sam. I screamed "What are you doing?". He said something about Mars. I saw red and, well ... I don't think you're ever going to get the Ronan interview, Sam.

I could try to get one with Bane but it would have to be right away, before he realized Ronan was missing. It's your call Sam but to tell you the truth, apart from making a good casserole I don't think centaurs are good for much.

Urg

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 25, 2003 1:41 am (#19 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 18, 2003 9:55 pm (#157 of 213)

I have a treat for all the STUFFED people out there an exclusive this week is!!!

MARTIN MIGGS THE MAD MUGGLE in: DUUUDE, WHERES MY OWL?

The door slammed. ‘What is it Egburt?’ ‘Its……Its….MARTIN MIGGS AGAIN!!’ **:thundercrash**: ‘No!’

It all started the day before Martin was in his living room playing the fiddle when an owl flew by. Not just any own though this one looked like a flying feather duster. And it came right for Martin!

After waking up martin studied the owl. ‘Hey’ he thought aloud ‘There’s a letter attached to this’ Upon opening he saw….To Mum, I think that Errol has had it. Gramps said he is old and he used him in Hoggy also but gosh Ma! Can’t you get a new bird? This one ruins breakfast every morning.

You son, Ron

Martin looked for an address ‘No address? Weird’ he said. The he remembered that there was an odd family living a few miles down the road. He put on his Boots and started walking down to the old house.

Mrs. Weasley answered the door ‘YOU! AGAIN??? Well thanks for the feather duster. OBLIVIATE!!! 10th time this week’ she muttered.

THE STINKING END (to be continued maybe)

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 25, 2003 1:42 am (#20 of 179)

Boss, sorry I haven't been in touch for a few days but I'm kind of on the run. I was going home a few days ago and had just turned the rock to my cave when I saw a long line of unicorns marching up and down with signs pinned on their horns. I didn't mind the ones with MURDERER in big letters but there were two youngsters together with signs that said OWN UP and COME CLEAN and that sent shivers through me. I was going to brazen it out but then I saw one standing there staring at where I'd buried the hooves.

Anyway, I'm using the name Antwok the Twisted temporarily. He's in Tasmania giving courses in 'planning an unexpected raid' and 'silent maiming' and shouldn't be back before spring. I'll be in touch after I've been down to The Loot Exchange to see if they have any recording equipment.

Antwok (you know who)

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 25, 2003 1:44 am (#21 of 179)

I'm convinced the Bane interview is a no go. I heard that things were being set up in a glade I know so I went along to see. It was a trap!

There was this ginger bearded centaur standing there having some makeup applied but I'm sure someone called him Amos. Then I noticed the back end shuffling around and you could distinctly hear a voice complaining about fresh air around his privates. At first I thought it was this vex hex that's going around but then this Amos said rather sharply "Be quiet, Archie."

There was quite a gang of them I realized, all controlled by this Lunai Koru person. I tried to sneak off but I was spotted. Koru shouted "After him!"

Well! I've never loped so fast in my life. I couldn't shake them off. How this Archie & Amos kept it together I'll never know. I thought I could lose them in a muggle town nearby but as fast as I dodged in and out of the people there was this pseudo centaur cantering along gaining on me. I had to dive in a movie house and stay there until I was convinced they'd gone.

I sat through The Two Towers seven times. It was most depressing. Talk about rewriting history. Have you ever wondered what an american indian feels seeing a western movie? I don't ever want to go again.

If you can think of a nice quiet interview I could do to make up my hours, I'd appreciate it.

You Know Who

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megfox - Apr 26, 2003 1:11 am (#22 of 179)

Date: 2/23/03 To: Mr. Sam I Am

From: Ghoul's Gone Wild

Re: Interview with the Weasley's Ghoul

cc: Interviewee - Mr. Unclean

To Whom It May Concern:

Dear Sir:

I was recently approached by a member of your organization in order to schedule an appointment to conduct an interview with a certain ghoul in my employ located at a residence known as "the Burrow". As you know, Ghouls Gone Wild is an international wizarding entertainment sensation, and we would certainly love keeping your STUFFED members full.

I have heard rumors of some possible legal issues concerning your correspondent, re; the disappearance of a member of the Dark Forest Centaurs, but seeing as how my employee is currently not a member of the Living, I can foresee no pressing issues with allowing an interview. If you would like to continue the scheduling process, please contact me via owl mail at meggypoo18@msn.com at your earliest convenience.

Should you have an questions, I can be reached by telepathy, floo powder, and the above owl mail address as well.

Yours in causing havoc,

Meg Leitch

Supreme Ghoul and Heiress

Ghouls Gone Wild

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 1:46 am (#23 of 179)

This is Antwok the Twisted, on assignment near the village of Ottery St Catchpole where we can expect some incredible revelations from a witness to some of the bizarre occurrences surrounding Harry Potter's best friend, Ron Weasley. The occupants of this unplotted residence declined admission to your faithful reporter giving some credence to the swirling rumours that Harry and Ron have developed a strategy to deal with the dark forces building against them.

Twice now I've been attacked by two vicious looking red haired henchman. On the first occasion, on the pretext of making me welcome they turned me into a large yellow bird by feeding me a spiked custard tart and on the second occasion I was hoisted by my ankles and spun rather vigorously then I was let go whereupon I flew over a hedge into an adjoining field.

What are these people hiding? Why the secrecy? Why the brutality to representatives of the public at large? W.W.N. will bring you the answers.

I am now crouching on a crosspiece of a drainpipe outside an attic window where my contact is concealed. I have knocked & I hear him approaching. (sound of window creaking open).

Urg: Hi! I'm Urg th ... I mean Antwok the Twisted.

Contact: I'm a ghoul.

Urg: Just as I was led to believe. Now ....

Contact: Ghoul di oulll.

Urg: We'll try to be quick about this. It's rather uncomfortable holding a microphone with one hand and a down pipe with the other.

Contact: I'm a ghoul.

Urg: Been there. Done that. Now I'd like to ask ....

Contact: Ghoul di oullll.

Urg: Let's just get to the point before someone sees me up here.

Contact: AND I'LL EAT YOU FOR MY SUPPER!

Urg: Aaagh! **sound of crashing and breaking branches** Well, dear listeners ....

Voice in distance: There he is again. Get him Fred.

Second Voice: I'm on him. I'm on him. Hey! Come here you.

Urg: This is Antwok the Twisted signing off from the beautiful village of Ottery St Catchpole bringing you news you can use. Agh! Oh! Ouch! Stop that. Not my ankles. Not my .... **sound of loud thump**

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 1:47 am (#24 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Mar 10, 2003 7:52 am (#190 of 213)

Urg?.....Urg?...Uh we seem to have lost the contact. Wait!

Fzzz* Hey Fred!

Voice 2: Yea?

Voice 1: What is this?

Voice 2: Dunno.  A muggle wand?

Voice 1: Uh . ..  wanna show it to dad?

Voice 2: NO WAY! Remember what happened last time with that Muggle Shredder device Dad called a Bendler?

Voice 1: Don’t remind me....who picked up the pieces of poor Bonga?

Voice 2: We fed her to Errol

Voice 1: Hey! Great Idea! Feed it to Errol  - - he eats anything!!!

Voice 2: Oy! Errol, here.  Try this.

fzzzreeeap Who? Crnch Munch Whzzsrrpp*

Uh Boris!! Go get Urg and get a new mic....*sigh* 8th one this week....

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 1:50 am (#25 of 179)

Boss, it's You Know Who. I might be on to something. Ever heard of a Ludo Bagman? Fat little guy, gone to seed? I've been tailing him for days. He got on the wrong side of some of our boys and had to do a runner. I don't know the whole story because the only ones who really know are pretty rough, even for our lot.

Anyway, I was down at the St. Mungo's outpatients having my ankles checked over, having a nice gloat about what I would do to Katy if I ever caught up to her (she's the one who recommended 'the nice quiet ghoul interview' you'll remember) when I was shocked out of my reverie by this Morag awful shriek. I recognized Bagman right away. There are wanted posters taped up around some of the pool caverns. He was staring at me and shaking all over. Then he pushed a gurney in front of me and beat it out the door. I knew I'd never catch him with swollen ankles but I managed to keep him in sight for a few blocks as he's so out of shape. But I lost him.

The Disappearing Tree was nearby so I popped in for a mead to think this over. They do a beautiful newt pie at the Tree and it has been one of my hangouts. The place was empty except for Bagman, hiding behind a newspaper. I almost missed him but I caught this white blur from the front page picture and saw it was another big article on Unicorns Against Violence. I must have unthinkingly ducked because suddenly I realize I'm stooped over staring at these black and yellow striped socks. Bagman ran for it again. And that's how it's been for several days. There's only so many places to go when you're trying to keep a low profile and we both keep hitting the same places.

Now I can interview this guy. He's been racing off as soon as I appear but today he's slowed right down. This morning at The Loot Exchange he was practically stumbling going out the back door and this afternoon at Muckey's where they do the great goat liver, he just sighed and shuffled off with his head hung down. I don't believe he's slept since St. Mungo's. So I'm sure I can get him to talk. The trouble is I have no idea what to ask him. My mind is a complete blank on who he is except that Fingo's boys are looking for him and I don't really want to get into that. Can someone go through the archives and run me up a check list? I'll call in at the end of the week. I'm just off to The Hundred Acre Wood for a little R & R.

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Carina - Apr 28, 2003 1:57 am (#26 of 179)

Carina - Mar 17, 2003 9:27 pm (#200 of 213)

I said it before and I'll say it again:

YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM ANY CHUBBIE LITTLE CUBBIES OR YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME AND MY BUNNY RABBIT!!!

Sam, this goes DOUBLE for you as his boss!

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Urg the Unclean - Apr 28, 2003 3:46 am (#27 of 179)

**Urg licks his lips while keeping a straight face**

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Ticker - Apr 29, 2003 1:54 am (#28 of 179)
Edited by Apr 28, 2003 6:55 pm

Orange Leprechauns cause waves of anger across Ireland.

Muggle conflicts have rarely brought division into Ireland's Magic community as harshly as recent events. By Monday 11 am, the lack of visible leprechauns was clearly disturbing, but not nearly as upsetting as the reason behind their reticence.

"Some bugger had switched all me clothes - not a shred of green in the whole house. How could I show me face?"

This sentiment was shared by the little men all across the nation, who did not peek out of their hiding places until late afternoon.

"Eh, ye canna keep me from findin' a wee bit o' pleasure this day, o' all days!" said Patty O'Carolan, wearing his tiny suit of orange. "E'en if the beer isn' green anymore, she does the trick."

Apparently, not all leprechauns were as inclined to drown their woes. Muggles in various northern towns, reported bizarre orange "clouds" forming obscene shapes in the sky. Young witches & wizards were more than disappointed when finally catching a surly orange leprechaun, they were presented a single Galleon with a bite taken out of it.

"We canna be sure o' the luck we'll be havin' now," sobbed one young witch.

Ministry officials again refused to comment other than to express their deep regret to the leprechaun community and to say they are doing everything possible to apprehend those responsible. Prime suspects include those who have had threats from the IRA and those responsible for the recent Vex Hex.

"If this is someone's idea of a joke, it is decidedly off-color," says Gwen Flaharty of Co. Donegal.


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Urg the Unclean - Apr 29, 2003 3:19 am (#29 of 179)
Edited by Apr 28, 2003 8:20 pm

“Well it's obvious, isn't it?” Hermione said exasperatedly.

“What is?" said Harry and Ron together.

Hermione gave them a scathing look. "Who's causing all this trouble in Ireland, of course."

“Well, are you going to tell us?” asked Ron, “Or do we need to read 'A History of Hogwarts' to find out?"

Hermione smiled. "Voldemort!"

Ron winced while Harry smiled back at Hermione. "And why Voldemort?" he asked.

“Will you both stop saying his name?” cried Ron.

“Well,” Hermione said, "Voldemort loves snakes doesn't he? And Ireland hasn't had any for centuries. Everyone knows that. Or anyone who's read 'How the Irish rejected Salazar Slytherin' does."

“Just you, then.” said Ron.

Harry smiled. "No wonder you're the greatest witch of your age.

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Caitlin McCoy - Apr 30, 2003 10:34 pm (#30 of 179)

This is Lunai Koru of Romania.

I have been fielded the invitation made by one Urg the Unclean to Bane of the Dark Forest Centaurs (Dark Forest, England) concerning an interview, during which the astronomical forces dictating the actions of the Dark Forest Centaurs concerning recent events in the Wiazarding World, i.e. the apparent re-arising of Lord Voldemort.

During our investigation into Mr. Unclean, it was brought to our attention that Mr. Unclean was the last person to see Ronan, another of the Dark Forest centaurs, alive. It is also believed that Mr. Unclean may consumed Ronan. This is currently being looked into by the proper authorities.

Furthermore, Bane has agreed to an interview with Urg the Unclean on the condition that there be two other persons present: the first of which being myself and the second person (yet to be determined) who will be licensed by the British Ministry of Magic to terminate Mr. Unclean should it become apparent that he wishes to consume my client, Bane.

Sincerely,

Lunai Koru

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Caitlin McCoy - Apr 30, 2003 10:35 pm (#31 of 179)

TO: Mr. Sam I. Am, General Manager, WWNterviews WWN International Headquarters, London, England

FROM: Ms. Lunai Koru, British Director, Centaur Public Relations Office Bucharest, Romania


Dear Mr. Am,

I have already left a voice message with your front office concerning the interview to take place between Mr. Urg the Unclean and Bane of the Dark Forest Centaurs (Dark Forest, England).

In this message I indicated that, although there are some series issues concerning Mr. Unclean and the last known whereabouts of Ronan of the Dark Forest Centaurs (now believed to be deceased), Bane is still willing to interview with Mr. Unclean, under certain specified conditions.

These conditions have been modified since the voice message. The current stipulations are the following: 1) The interview must be held in a place known to be public by Wizarding standards. 2) There are to be two other persons present at the interview, the first of which being myself, to ensure Bane's saftey during said interview. 3) The second person (yet to be named) will be chosen my myself, my client (Bane), the British Ministry of Magic and WWN International. Said person will have complete authority given to him/her by the British Ministry of Magic to terminate either said interview or Mr. Urg the Unclean (at his/her discretion) should it become apparent that Mr. Unclean wishes to do bodily harm to my client.

In closing, I should like to make it understood that neither myself, my client, nor my Public Relations office has any wish to seem discriminatory against Mr. Unclean due to the fact that he is an Goblin; indeed, such precautionary measures would not even need to be taken were it not for the current investigation underway concerning Mr. Unclean and the apparent consumption of Ronan of the British Centaurs.

I should look forward to receiving your reply in this matter.

Respectfully yours,

Lunai Koru

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Urg the Unclean - May 1, 2003 4:52 am (#32 of 179)
Edited by Apr 30, 2003 9:54 pm

Ms. Koru,

Mr. Urg the Unclean has left our employ and moved to parts unknown. All assignments outstanding from Mr.Unclean have been given to his successor, Mr. Unclean.

As you may know Unclean is a very common name in goblin society as is Urg. To have personnel replaced by someone with exactly the same name is, though unusual, somewhat amusing. I assure you that all of us at WWN had quite a chuckle over it.

However, should you meet our new correspondent we would hope that you treat him with the same courtesy our other correspondents receive. You may notice a certain nervousness on his part. This is quite natural with new correspondents and should not be misinterpreted.

Yours benignly

Antwok the Twisted, WWN personnel Dept.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:50 am (#33 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Dec 9, 2002 10:55 pm (#29 of 214)

O.k. will have a long one soon.

Knock, Knock

Who’s there

Wait you’re an owl too!

Questions: Do Wizards have fire departments? If you eat Magical food do you gain weight? How does the WWN work? Do the Weasley’s live in a muggle town? Do wizards in the U.S. drink coke? When you use floo powder, do you floo or fly? Can a wizard use two wands at once? Did the magical community fight during WWII? Is the Atom bomb dark magic that was released by mistake to muggles? Am i crazy?

How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?

None. they use candles!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:51 am (#34 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Dec 21, 2002 10:17 pm (#46 of 214)

OHHHHhhh yea, Thank you Urg! I will be back this week so I didn't lose my job yet .

Nate Davis & SilverTree -  You are STUFFED! all funny comments are welcomed.

P.S. A joke

Two mountaineers were climbing. One fell into a canyon and broke his arms and legs. The man on top yelled 'grab on to this rope with your teeth!' Slowly but surely the hapless man was dragged up 3 feet from the top The man who was pulling the rope called out, “Are you ok?” The man on the rope answered,  “Yes  . . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

have a good week!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:52 am (#35 of 179)

Caput Draconis - Dec 30, 2002 5:29 pm (#62 of 214)

Hello you funny folk.

Did you hear about the death of Harrys optometrist?
He fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

Sorry.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:53 am (#36 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Dec 30, 2002 5:49 pm (#63 of 214)

NO “SORRY!”   that was a good one! Urg told me a good one.

What do you call a Wizard who plays golf? Harry Putter!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:54 am (#37 of 179)

Caput Draconis - Jan 1, 2003 6:19 pm (#64 of 214)

OK ,rettoP.

Why did Dumbledore send Severus to the upholsterer?
To make him a recovered death eater.

Ah well.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:55 am (#38 of 179)

Caput Draconis - Jan 6, 2003 7:14 pm (#71 of 214)

Hello.

Did you hear about the fire in the Hogwarts school uniform factory?

It took several hours to put out the blazers.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:56 am (#39 of 179)

PyroGrl - Jan 18, 2003 5:32 pm (#99 of 214)

Bish is short for "bishie", which (I think) means cute in Japanese...

You shall not escape! ...SPLAT!

Hermione: You suck, Malfoy!

Malfoy: Ooo! A distraction! Doo dee doo...

Dumbledore: Harry has destroyed the monster, everyone! Let's all be happy!

Malfoy: I'm giddy. How many times must Dobby kill Harry Potter before he goes home?

Malfoy: Sticks, stones, vacuums and brooms, send Harry flying across the room!

Harry: Snakes, lizards, dirt and grass, force Malfoy to fall on his fat--

Malfoy: Speaking of snakes, say hello to Mr. Slithers!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 4:57 am (#40 of 179)

PyroGrl - Jan 18, 2003 5:36 pm (#100 of 214)

Ron: **using Floo Powder**  Burn me up, Scottie!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:10 am (#54 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 5, 2003 2:59 pm (#134 of 214)

To Mr. Ugh the Ingrate:

First the paper bag was your idea. Second if you would shower more often maybe it might help your cause. The Weird Sisters have a fully female staff, I doubt they will let you in.

But I will say you are a tireless loyal worker so I will give you a raise is a Sickle a week. good? Oh and I'll install a shower free in your cave. And you should think about taking Personal Hygiene again, contact a local middle school for that.

Your Big Kahoona

Sam.

P.s. Scrub behind the ears, and did you ever hear of Oxy swabs?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:11 am (#55 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 5, 2003 4:22 pm (#135 of 214)

OK! The sickle does it. You know how to appeal to goblins. I must correct you on the paper bag though. I only suggested the bag because you were insisting I wore a Liberace mask left over from a 1959 halloween party the station held.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:13 am (#56 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 5, 2003 7:57 pm (#136 of 214)

Fine! Deal! Hey Boris! You get a raise too I'm feeling charitable...wait you don’t know a sickle from an iceicle..Here take the last butterbeer.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:14 am (#57 of 179)

Nine - Feb 6, 2003 6:02 pm (#137 of 214)

You guys are great. I love this thread, yrraH and Urg.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:16 am (#58 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 7, 2003 9:32 pm (#138 of 214)

Don't encourage him, Nine. He's a tyrant.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:17 am (#59 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 8, 2003 6:34 pm (#139 of 214)

Your boss is watching.......

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:17 am (#60 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 9, 2003 2:25 pm (#142 of 214)

OK Sam, I got your follow up message after the Ronan mishap. You used rather strong language but I do admit it was at the very least unfortunate. Anyway, as you suggest I'll try to redeem myself with the latest assignment.

Now as I understand it I'm to contact a goblin named Bob the Barker who's supposed to be an expert on greed and knows a lot about people who want something for nothing. None of the people I know have ever heard of him Sam but I did some checking and found a Bob Barker who lives in a place called La. My uncle Odvog says this is short for La La Land but I don't know for sure. I phoned Bob the Barker but all he would say is "COME ON DOWN! LET"S MAKE A DEAL!"

Is this the right guy, Sam? I tried to explain to him I don't have any authority to make deals that I haven't even got to number forty on the correspondents' list but he kept repeating over and over "COME ON DOWN!"

I know it doesn't look good to ask for further instructions but as you pointed out to me I'm on thin *expletive* ice and I can't afford to make any more mistakes. I'll go to LA if that's what you want and I will (gulp) take a shower if you think that will help but it is ten to twelve days of solid loping as I understand it and it would be a shame to go all that way for nothing.

Your loyal and chagrinned correspondent,

Urg

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:18 am (#61 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 9, 2003 9:08 pm (#143 of 214)

Hey Burg chill out a bit....you aint gonna be fired so fast, I mean face it who is gonna eat all the gnomes if you leave?? Who's gonna get all the rats and stuff for dinner? And who is going to scare the sales men away?? I must tell you Unger you are invaluable I may even give you another raise soon.

All the Best

Your Drunk Boss

Sam

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:19 am (#62 of 179)

Nine - Feb 13, 2003 5:07 pm (#147 of 214)

Dear Ms. Lunai Koru, Mr. Sam I Am,

I would like to make a recommendation considering the second witness to the possible interview with Bane the centaur. I recommend Rita Skeeter, who is entirely capable of ruining a person's reputation if they do anything that potentially creates a good article. She has the ear of most of the wizarding world through her articles in the Daily Prophet, and her ability to destroy a reputation would strongly discourage bad behavior on anyone's part, as it could lead to the person being lynched or shunned.

The only difficulty with this is that Ms. Skeeter can only write such an article with a special dispensation from Ms. Hermione Granger, for reasons which I am not permitted to disclose. However, if this dispensation is granted, she could be a very useful second witness.

Best wishes for the interview and survival of all participants,

Nine

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:20 am (#63 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Feb 13, 2003 7:33 pm (#148 of 214)

Sam, it looks like the Bane interview might go through. I was just wondering. Do we have liability insurance?

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:21 am (#64 of 179)

B]Lenka[/B] - Feb 20, 2003 11:10 am (#159 of 214)

Dear Antwok,

COME CLEAN? That might have been Agin (my unicorn, you know...). I'll have a word with him if you want me to. He's really not a bad chap, he's just a bit rude at times. Hope you didn't harm him. BTW, you'll better hide somewhere, I've heard the paegasi and the forest-elves are searching the forests around Hogwarts for you. It might just be rumours, but you better watch out. I'd suggest you take this (hands you a magical box) and send us frequent telegraphs with it about your location and the overall situation of your life. We'll all stay on the intercepting part of the wire.

Don't let the forest creatures spoil you mood.

Ellen McAnich

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:21 am (#65 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 20, 2003 7:07 pm (#160 of 214)

You were supposed to save the hooves for me, Never mind though. Ellen we are not any were close to hoggwarts youll never catch us BWHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHHA*cough*

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:22 am (#66 of 179)

Lenka - Feb 21, 2003 8:44 am (#161 of 214)

Too bad...

Never mind, though, as I hope being far from hogwarts doesn't make you lose a sense of humor

Ellen

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:23 am (#67 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Feb 21, 2003 9:47 am (#162 of 214)

*gack* **:chokes on a hoof**:

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:26 am (#68 of 179)

Denise S. - Feb 28, 2003 6:27 pm (#180 of 213)

Sam--

I'm not sure whose department this is, but someone today sent me the very worrisome picture you can see on the left. It was sent via muggle post, and inside was a typewritten note saying:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am getting very tired of this situation. I have put up with suspicious winged, golden balls breaking my windows. I have kept my mouth shut when strange eagle-horses play target practice with my automobiles. But this incident in late spring of 1991 has driven me beyond all sanity. How many times have you promised compensation for unfortunate occurrences" only to fall through with them? To whichever one among you is in charge, I suggest the compensation is made, or else our 'moggle' world will suddenly have some very newsworthy events to report."

As you can see, the enclosed photo is quite clearly and unmistakably something from our community. Sam, how could Dumbledore let it leak that he is the Giant Squid? I thought he would have known better than to stay in his animagus form when he hurried over to the Ministry of Magic. And how long has the wizarding world been in contact with this muggle? (They even are picking up on our terminology, Sam!) We must find a way to shut them up, or else our cover will be blown--and Voldemort might find the secret passage under Hogwarts!

Please get back to me ASAP!

Priscilla Pretsch

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:27 am (#69 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Mar 2, 2003 3:34 am (#181 of 214)

Those damn Scotts playing Quiddagolf! No aim what so ever. I'll send Urg to eat a few.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:28 am (#70 of 179)

Diagon Nilly - Mar 2, 2003 6:46 pm (#182 of 214)

I prefer Miniature Quiddagolf myself. They always make the cup on the 9th hole unplottable, so it's a great challenge!

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:30 am (#71 of 179)

Denise S. - Mar 2, 2003 6:54 pm (#183 of 214)

Sam, I believe the Muggle was making a reference to the snitches used by Hogwarts quidditch teams, but is it also possible that students have snuck outside the castle boundaries to play quiddagolf? If so, the situation could easily be worse than previously suspected.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:31 am (#72 of 179)

Urg the Unclean - Mar 2, 2003 8:14 pm (#184 of 214)

Wow! No matter where you go its eyes follow you around the room.

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Denise S. - May 4, 2003 5:32 am (#73 of 179)

rettoP yrraH - Mar 3, 2003 8:41 am (#185 of 214)

We are gonna have to speak to the Squid about this.