Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews

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Urg the Unclean - Jul 30, 2004 3:08 am (#127 of 179)

An oldy goldy by special request. well, many requests over many months.

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rettoP yrraH - Dec 5, 2002 8:20 am (#19 of 148)

Well I’m back with the newest STUFFED program! Today we are interviewing…you guessed it THE ONE AND ONLY !ERROL!

Sam: GOOD MORNING ERROL (he can’t hear to well)

Err: Who?

Sam: ERROL (I will now not use caps..much)

Err: Twho?

Sam: To you! **mumbles** what did I get my self into

Sam: so Errol or can I call you Err, what is you’re job?

Err: Who? (translation: I work for the owl post, Weasley division.)

Sam: aha very interesting… So how long have you had this job?

Err: ?ohW (as long as I can remember and being a bird that’s about a day or two)

Sam: really now?

Err: *Sqwack!*  (Well Arthur got me from an old muggel when he went to Hoggy. I was but a wee hatchling then)

Sam: our listeners asked us if you ever noticed scabbers A.K.A. Peter Petegrew do any thing…say..strange?

Err: Who? sqwak caww twho? **rolls eyes** (maybe…)

Sam: Come on out with it!

Err: *Sqwwwak*  (Well now that you mention it… When Scabbers came to this household I was a bit old as it was. As you know I spend the majority of my time sleeping. Late one night I awoke to find scabbers (if you can believe this) reading the paper and munching on Berrni bott’s beans!)

Sam Aha! Why didn’t you tell any one?

Err: **rolls eyes up words** (Because I’m a bird you *&!#!#* DELETED DELETED DELETED DELETED )

Sam: Well…… that about wraps up this interview This is STUFFED Sam haaaaaaaave aaaa goood one!

Errol: *Squaawwwkkk**  (What!  HEY! You can't cut me off like that! Gimme the *yawn* Micro....zzzZZZzz)

Sam: Errol? ERROL? oh well

(Errol will be on again, don't worry)

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Urg the Unclean - Aug 19, 2004 1:14 am (#128 of 179)
Edited by Aug 18, 2004 6:24 pm

To celebrate the Olympics ...

This is Urg the Unclean today talking with Jeannette Heathertoes who has been declared the Apparation Gold Medalist in the recent European competitions.

Urg: Hello Ms. Heathertoes. Where's she gone? Ah! There you are. Now ... now what? Ms. Heathertoes would you please stand still?

JH: Can't. You've come during my training session.

Urg: Well it's ... Damn! Look I'm getting dizzy.

JH: Well, you came at an inconvenient time.

Urg: But I'm here (spins around) I'm here representing thousands of ... there you are ... thousands of your fans.

JH: Well OK. You have two minutes. There's another meet next Sunday and I have to practise.

Urg: Thank you. (puffs) Could you tell us how long you've been apparating?(pants)

JH: Since I was eight. Youngest person to pass the apparation test.

Urg: Was it hard being so young?(puffs again)

JH: No it was great fun. Great ending too. Really had them going when they were to present my diploma.

Urg: Why what happened?

JH: Made them chase me all over the building. Was in every office at least twice. Shocked the daylights out of them all. Gave a big, loud "Hi there!" and apparated somewhere else. They had some of their best apparators after me, passing each other down corridors, in closets, on the minister's desk. It was great fun.

Urg: Didn't you get into trouble?

JH: Course not. Who's going to embarrass themselves with an eight year old kid?

Urg: I see. Now you are noted for your speed. Could you give us a quick demonstration. It should make your fans on WWN very happy getting an exclusive ....

JH: On the radio? What good is that?

Urg: Er! Well, yes ... I was planning to ... er ... describe ....

JH: OK! Describe this.

Urg: Yes. Well listeners, Ms. Heathertoes is walking across the room ....

JH: I'm not walking. I'm apparating.

Urg: But you're walking and swinging your arms.

JH: I'm apparating thirty times a second. I learned that from the muggle film animation people. It just looks like I'm walking.

Urg: I ... but .... Well listeners. We have just witnessed some incredible speed apparation here. That would be thirty times sixty ... er ... eighteen hundred ... erm ....

JH: One hundred and eight thousand an hour. I once did eleven hours straight.

Urg: That's incredible. Tell me, which is your most favored medal?

JH: The one I didn't get.

Urg: Sorry, I ....

JH: Long distance. Other contestants were off to America, China, places like that. I went entirely around the world and came back to the same spot where I started. No one believed me. Said they hadn't seen me move. Shouldn't have tried to be too clever I suppose and combine it with a bit of speed. Should have coasted so they saw me disappear before I got back.

Urg: Well. This leaves me all rather breathless. It's been a wonderful interview. Thanks for standing still while we talked.

JH: Oh! I haven't been standing still. Have been doing a bit of speed practise between every word. When you take your jerkin off you'll see "Heathertoes was here" written on the back. Well, time for some distance training Mr. Unclean. Bye for now. (crack)

Urg: Wow! That I believe was ... I'm not sure what I believe.

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Urg the Unclean - Aug 21, 2004 8:28 pm (#129 of 179)
Edited by Aug 21, 2004 1:31 pm

Good evening listeners. Tonight we are interviewing one of our own. I am at the home of Celestina Warbeck, the popular singing sorceress of Witching Hour who has just celebrated her fortieth anniversary with WWN. Good evening Celestina.

CW: Hello-o. I see you're in the know-o.

Urg: So you started at WWN in 1974?

CW: Your math is so poor-or. It was sixty four-or.

Urg: Yes, I'm sorry. Nineteen sixty four.

CW: 'S alright.

Urg: How did you begin your show? How did you become The Singing Sorceress?

CW: Well it really was my sister, you see. She had to speak limericks to me.

Urg: Limericks?

CW: She read a bewitched book and that was the curse that she took.

Urg: You have a cursed sister?

CW: It's what gives the power to The Witching Hour.

Urg: Oh! Of course, I ....

CW: OI! PRISCILLA! COME MEET URG. HE'S THIS FUNNY LITTLE GOBLIN HANGS 'ROUND THE STATION. Heeeeeere she comes now. Dooooon't make fun now.

Priscilla: There once was a funny small goblin ....

CW: Be nice to the man. He's one of my fans.

Urg: Well, yes. I always listen ....

Priscilla: Into our house he came hobbling ....

Urg: Hobbling's a bit strong. I've had this limp since someone shaved one of my ....

Priscilla: He stood all alone, with his big microphone ....

CW: PRISCILLA! I forbid you to say anymore.

Urg: Wha ...?

Priscilla: And the weight ....

CW: PRISCILLA STOP! Leave the room NOW. LEAVE NOW. (sound of steps and door closing) I'm so sorry my friend. She's a bit round the bend.

Urg: But ....

CW: Insulting you ... is a thing that she'd do. It had to be the curse ... that made her life worse.

Urg: What was she going to say?

CW: You don't want to know. It would be too much of a blow.

Urg: I DO WANT TO KNOW. I CAN'T STAND IT. (pause) Please don't stand there smiling. I want to know what rhymes with goblin.

CW: I'm the singing sorceress. I have you in a bind. I cannot answer what you ask. I can't read my sister's mind.

Urg: Then why did you stop her?

CW: For the mystery Mister Unclean. The mystery. please come outside for a moment. (door opens)

Urg: OK. Sure. It's a beautiful night.

CW: You were saying that you always listen to my shows?

Urg: Yes. Well, as often as I can. There are some ....

CW: Then you would know Mister Unclean that Witching Hour is a mystery show and we always end on a mystery.

Urg: But the singing? You do sing?

CW: I sing to make the guilty party confess, Mister Unclean. You should have known that. You haven't ever listened to witching hour have you?

Urg: Well ....

CW: Oh! Mr. Unclean, where have you been?

You haven't listened to my witching hour

You stand there and pout, you stand there and glower

I knew from the first that you were a liar

and ....

Urg: OK! OK! I haven't listened to witching hour. I know I should have before I came but I've been so busy I ....

(Door slams)

Urg: How embarrassing. Oh! Well, let's see. A-oblin, bobblin, cobblin, dobblin, e-ob ..., foblin ... Aaaagh! I CAN"T STAND IT.

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Sabotage - Sep 1, 2004 11:42 pm (#130 of 179)
Edited by Sep 1, 2004 4:43 pm

Where Chocolate frogs came from (interview with The Hoodle’s and random popping's in of Draco and Harry)

Sabotage: And here we are in Hampster to interview the Hoodle’s! Now we all remember the memorable trip we took to Hogwarts, hoggy, woggy, Hogwarts just to interview Miss Edgecombe! I promised that we’d interview the Hoodle’s and we are here! *To cameraman* was that good?

Cameraman: We are rolling m’am.

Sabotage: Oh! Oh my! Okay then… So here’s Miss Hoodle now! *Runs to Miss Hoodle* Now Miss Hoodle, or do you prefer Gretie?

Miss Hoodle: It’s Miss Hoodle to you.

Sabotage: Alrighty then Gretie, now being the daughter of world famous Gert Hoodle, do you get special privileges at Hogwarts?

Miss Hoodle: Look, all my Pop did was invent a resealing seal able sealer. It’s not like he created Chocolate Frogs.

Sabotage: Ahh! So being the daughter of Gert H. there *points to the girls father* makes you really popular then? Do you use the Chocolate frogs that he invented to get friends?

Miss Hoodle: What are you talking about? My Pop doesn’t make-I don’t need to bribe people into being my friends!

Sabotage: Are you sure?

Miss Hoodle: Of course! *Bites lip* Why I’m friends with Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!

Harry and Draco: *both suddenly appear* Yeah she’s our friend. Can we have some Chocolate Frogs?

Miss Hoodle: My Dad doesn’t make them; he makes the resealing seal able sealer. It’s my brother who makes the Chocolate Frogs.

Bobby Hoodle: *appears with a crack* Gretie! You aren’t supposed to tell people!

Harry and Draco: Can we have some frogs then?

Sabotage: Shut your caves boys! Now what wasn’t she supposed to tell?

Bobby Hoodle: I guess I can tell you now. Well the original Wizard of Chocolate died a few years ago and he needed a new person to make chocolate and run the company so he held a contest with a lot of elaborate characters winning, including me. So then he had to test us so he took us on a tour of the factory and all the elaborate characters got eliminated in elaborate ways, and I actually stole some drink so I didn’t win until I showed him how wonderfully nice I was. Then he left me the factory and a castle made of chocolate. I ate the chocolate castle with my friends and then I took over the makings of the Wizards Chocolates.

Harry and Draco: Can we have some frogs then?

Sabotage: That is most interesting news! Does all the Hoodle family have such dark secrets, I ask you?

Bobby Hoodle: Well my Mum was the daughter of some distant relative to Albus Dumbledore. And my Aunt likes to charm toilets to sing when people use them.

Sabotage: Ahhh! I see, well my producer is motioning to me that he would like to chop off my head. Oh well, then I could join the headless hunt, always been a dream of mine. So I guess he’s saying that I’ve… *tries to read producers' lips* trespassed… on the… Hoodle’s… privacy. And I believe that is strictly not in the code so I must sign off my friends. My next interview may be with the headless huntsmen! Or there might not even be an interview… But tune in next time!

Harry and Draco: Can we have some frogs then?

All: NO!!!!

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PyroGrl - Sep 2, 2004 12:07 am (#131 of 179)

Pyro: Here we are at the entrance to the Ravenclaw tower, where I will be interviewing Luna Lovegood! Hello, who are you?

Cho: Cho Chang...are you here to interview me?

Pyro: Well actually...

Cho: Oh, finally, I get to tell MY version of what happened between me and Harry! Well, he asked me out and that was as far as it got. He kept on talking about his future date with Hermione Granger and couldn't see how hurt I was...he was so cruel and heartless, but after the interview I forgave him. Still, he was mean to me and couldn't understand m-my feelings...about Cedric and he was the one who SAW HIM DIE...

Pyro: Miss Chang, I can't really...

Cho: How DARE you call me "MISS CHANG"!! You're younger than I am!

Pyro: Well that's beside the...

Cho: You...you...you're another Harry Potter fan who doesn't care about his ex-girlfriends and how badly he treated them!

Pyro: Well, you're not the right girl for him. Honestly I think Luna is, and I'm going to interview her-

Cho: LOONY LOVEGOOD?! YOU THINK LOONY IS BETTER FOR HARRY THAN I AM? I AM CHO CHANG, RAVENCLAW SEEKER AND BOY ENTRANCER EXTRAORDINAIRE!

Pyro: Obviously not. However, if you changed your attitude, left half of your ego in the Ravenclaw tower and stopped all this constant crying you could be off to a good start. Now, tell me how to get into the tower to interview Luna!

Cho: You...You...NO!

Pyro: But Cho, I only have thirty more seconds on air! I can at least get a quick interview!

Cho: Maybe...no.

Pyro: PLEASE Cho?

Cho: Weelllllllllllllllllllllll...

Pyro: You...we're out of time folks! So sorry about the HORRIBLE, RUDE INTERRUPTION...Hey, give my microphone back! MISS CHANG! CHANG! GIVE IT BACK! No, don't do that! Don't you dare-

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PyroGrl - Sep 2, 2004 1:51 am (#132 of 179)

Umm Boss I know it'll cost a lost of Knuts but can I go back to Hogwarts and try that interview again?? This time I'll set up a better meeting area, I PROMISE.

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rettoP yrraH - Sep 2, 2004 6:00 am (#133 of 179)

Hey Ugh...did you leave the door unlocked again?

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Urg the Unclean - Sep 2, 2004 3:00 pm (#134 of 179)

They threatened me Boss. They kept on about their friend in the Goblin Liaison Office.

Oh! God. Oh! God. Why am I such a wimp?

Still, on careful reading I see there's some good stuff on the Hoodles for when we get back into the blackmail business.

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rettoP yrraH - Sep 6, 2004 4:53 am (#135 of 179)
Edited by Sep 5, 2004 9:54 pm

A wimp with bad breath... you melted my mic again fool...*sigh*

Well hello again Goblins and things... We were supposed to interview someone from the competition, but there contract got in the way...Hey Urg, get this hairy footed drunkard out of here!

...........go to standby......uhhhh........um......................

We have in the studio the one, the only Errol! *puts stuffed doll up to the mic*

Error: (falsetto) Hi ya kiddies!

Sam: (still in falsetto) Hi....oops...I mean (deep voice) Hi Errol, does that say Error over there?

Error...uh...L: Errr no not at all, I'm a reeeeaaaal boy,BIRd...

Sam: I feel stupid

Error: Why? you're my voice!

Sam: Uhhh.....No I'm not...*grumbles under breath* I can't believe I resorted to this.....

Error: Want to see me sing a song?

Sam: Ok I'm sick of this, UGH! DiNNER!

Urg: *cookie monster noises*

Sam: Well *ptoo* this wra*ptoo*s up this *ptoo* *hack* !@#$ Feathers! Program, hope you didn't die of boredom...

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Ticker - Sep 6, 2004 6:18 pm (#136 of 179)

Ticker: OK, I’m here on the Hogwarts school grounds, having followed up on a lead that a misplaced microphone could be found here. Sure enough, I was able to locate it by what the students call the “Love” tree right under a long string of initials all beginning with CC:

CC + GP

CC + FA

CC + JM

CC + CD

CC + HP (crossed out)

CC + HP (re-written)

One of the students suggested I could find out more about this tree if I waited here between 10:30 & 10:45 AM. I think that’s one of the class breaks.

... And here comes someone now. Hello, uh, ...

PS: Sprout. Professor Sprout.

Ticker: Yes, I’m wondering what you can tell me about this tree.

PS: This tree has absorbed more than it’s fair share of silly childish abuse, which is why...

Ticker: Abuse? This is more serious than I thought.

PS: Yes. Which is why the Headmaster has agreed to certain steps which would be taken against any further perpetrators found at the scene...

Ticker: Oh. I see. And have you been able to catch any of these perpetrators?

PS: Yes, I believe I have. Come with me & we’ll begin your detention immediately.

Ticker: What?!? But, I’m not even a student here!

PS: All the more reason to start right away.

Ticker: Wait a minute. You think I perpetrated abuse on this tree?

PS: Caught in the act & holding a... well, whatever that thing is, it’s done enough damage.

Ticker: This? But it’s just a microphone... Wait. You’ve got to believe me. I have a terrible allergy to Dragon dung... Oh hang it all. This is Ticker signing off from Hogwarts.

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Blast - Sep 14, 2004 4:08 am (#137 of 179)

Blast here with a special report, I have trained a parrot to spy.. er report back to me on any of the hot gossip going on at Hogwarts. Right now he's keeping watch in a tree to find out who's dating whom. He's supposed to report back to me tomorrow with the scoop.

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rettoP yrraH - Sep 14, 2004 4:49 am (#138 of 179)

WIRE REPORT FROM HOGWARTS! BREAKING NEWS! THE 'LOVE' TREE HAS BEEN MISPLACED!

“Witnesses describe a hairy fellow in a dress hanging around trying to blend in for the most part of the day. A student who did not disclose his name said he saw a 'Rather ugly bloke escaping on toothpicks'....”

*Slams paper down*

URG! you couldn't find a better disguise??? lemmie guess - - - it had red and white polkadots? Look! just do your job, ok?

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Blast - Sep 14, 2004 5:32 am (#139 of 179)

O.K. I'm back with the parrot, but it seems like he is reluctant to talk. Well since he can't talk I'll try to get him to write down everything he saw, this might take awhile, so we'll get back to his report a little later.

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Blast - Sep 14, 2004 10:11 am (#140 of 179)

Ah Blast back, and the parrot has seemed to have had his tongue magically removed, but he has written a ten parchment letter on what he heard and saw. Ah the only thing is that it is in runes. It has been a very long time since I have read any runes and it might take a bit to translate. We'll be back in a while.

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Elfcat - Sep 14, 2004 11:46 pm (#141 of 179)

This is your new repoter Elfcat, on the spot with Fleur Delacour in....umm...Where am I? Never mind. I am here to interview Miss Delacour about anything she may know pertaining to a certain Harry Potter. To make the interview go smoother, I have offered to conduct it in her native language. I will now equip my michrophone with an automatic translation spell.

Elfcat: Hello, Miss Delacour.

Fleur: Hello.

Elfcat:I love what you've done with your horses. Now, what can you tell us about Harry Potter?

Fleur: Horses? I have no Horses.

Elfcat: Yes you do, silly. On your head! This stuff! *tugs on own hair*

Fluer: That's hair you moron.

Elfcat:(confused by word she has never heard before) uhh...sure. So what about Harry?

Fleur: When he first entered the contest I thought he was just an impudent little moron who wanted to endear himself to his superiors and it made me so mad I just wanted to scream (talking very fast) but when I got to know him better he was just the victim of abominable circumstances and--

Elfcat: (panicing at inability to understand any of this) Whoa slow down! You have a duck in your elevator!

Fleur: WHAT?!?!?!?

Elfcat: No! Just give me the fish of my uncle, and everything will be all right!

Fleur: what are you talking about?

Elfcat: I have no idea!

Fleur: She's crazy! She doesn't even know what she's saying! Security! take this silly girl out of my sight!

Elfcat: no! You can't do this to me! I KNOW MY RIGHTS!!! I KNOW KARATE!!! Get off of me you stinking security troll!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!

*click* (static)

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Blast - Sep 15, 2004 2:48 am (#142 of 179)

Blast back, and we have translated the parrot’s message. It says that the horse man and the bugeyed women are meeting in secret all over Hogwarts, and never take a cracker from anybody with red hair. Polly wants his tongue back.

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Urg the Unclean - Sep 18, 2004 10:57 pm (#143 of 179)

FOR SALE:

one dress, large size, red and white polkadots, used once for special occasion. Consider swap for Lone Ranger outfit.

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Urg the Unclean - Sep 29, 2004 11:49 pm (#144 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean at Gringott's Bank interviewing ...

Voices: "Hey! Urg. Why don't you get a proper job?" "LOOK EVERYBODY. SEE WHO'S HERE." "GRIPHOOK! IT'S YOUR OLD BUDDY URG, SLUMMING IT AGAIN."

Urg: Ms. Fleur DelaCour who ....

Voice: Urg. What you doing with the French doll?

Fleur: DOLL? 'Oo eez calling me a doll?

Urg: (aside) Hey! Guys. Please. I've got a job to do.

Fleur: Mon Dieu, I never ....

Griphook: Well, well, well. It is you. Keep the money covered lads. Urg has been known to ....

Urg: Griphook! Fancy meeting ....

Fleur: You know each uzzer? But Meestair Unclean, zis goblin is a scoundrel. I would never 'ave given my permission for zis interview if ....

Griphook: Don't get your knickers twisted, sweetheart. This is only Urg ....

Fleur: Meestair Unclean. Now 'E is talking of my most personal t'ings. Oh! 'Ow I wish Meestair William Weasley was 'ere. 'E would show ....

Urg: Now ....

Griphook: The job cleaning the empty vaults is still open if you want it.

Urg: I'm interviewing this French exchange ....

Voice: Hey! Urg. Who's Heathertoes? What's this you're advertizing on the back of your jacket?

Urg: PLEASE! Why don't you all go back to work?

Fleur: Meestair Unclean. If we don't start zee interview immediately I shall trounce off.

Griphook: She's good at that. Best little trouncer in the business.

Fleur: OH!

Urg: Ms. DelaCour. Perhaps we should move to ... WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR WAND OUT?

Fleur: I 'ave 'ad enough of zees goblins. Zey are no better zen zee grindelows. I will close zere mouses for good..

Griphook: RUN LADS!

Urg: BUT MS. DELACOUR. I'M A GOBLIN.

Fleur: SILENCIO GOBLINS. (pause) See Meestair Unclean. No more smart Alecky remarks from ze scoundrels. Now continue wiz ze interview. (pause) Meestair Unclean? Why is it you are acting ze goldfish? (pause) Do you plan to interview me Meestair Unclean or was zis an excuse to come gawking like all ze uzzer men I am meeting? (pause) OH! MEN! ZEY ARE ALL ALIKE. (sound of trouncing footsteps)

New Voice: I say. Can anyone take me to vault fourteen hundred and ninety one? Anyone? What are you all staring at? I say. You with the microphone. Yes, you, with tears running down your cheeks. (pause) It looks like I've come at a bad time. I'll come back later.

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Blast - Oct 3, 2004 3:22 pm (#145 of 179)
Edited by Oct 3, 2004 8:29 am

Blast here in Diagon Alley with a live remote.

We are here at the Magical Menagerie today talking to the Witch behind the counter.

Witch:  Hello there and are you looking for a pet?

Blast:  No I'm Blast from WWN.

Witch:  Well slap it on the counter then.

Blast:  I beg your pardon!

Witch:  Your animal then, slap it on the counter and I'll take a look at it.

Blast:  I'm not here with any animal, I'm here because you wanted to sell your overstock of toads.

Witch:  Oh their all gone, some nice man named Will came and bought them all.

Blast:  If your toads are all gone then what am I doing here then?

Witch:  I have no idea, can I interest you in a rat?

Blast:  Didn't you arrange to have WWN broadcast from here today?

Witch:  Guess that I did, but the toads are all gone so I don't really need you now do I. How about this nice rabbit, he's been here for ages.

Blast:  I don't want a rabbit.

Witch:  If your not here for a pet or advice then please stop wasting my time!

Blast:  Excuse me but you asked me to come here today, to promote your big toad liquidation sale!

Witch:  Do you see any toads here?

Blast:  No but the live remote...

Witch:  You think it's easy running this place? The noise is just horrendus! All the Goblins from Gringott's coming over here on their lunch break smacking their lips and wanting to know if they get a volume discount.

Blast:  I had no idea...'

Witch:  And that freak Kettleburn hanging around butting in and trying to tell my customers about Knarls and Unicorns, I should tell him to check out the back room and see how that one arm one legged know-it-all can handle my pet manticore,"

Blast:  Please I really had no idea...

Witch:  And that creepy Ollivander hanging around with those weird eyes, saying that he's been experimenting with new wand cores and if I go to his place that he'll show me his!

Blast:  Sorry I've seem to come at a bad time....

Witch:  My my your looking a bit peaky. I have this rat tonic that might do the trick.

Blast:  But I'm not a rat!

Witch:  That doesn't matter I take it all the time, and as you can see there's nothing wrong with me!

Blast:  Umm this is Blast signing off from the Magical Managerie, and now over to Glenda Chittock for the Witching Hour.

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Blast - Oct 8, 2004 2:30 am (#146 of 179)
Edited by Oct 7, 2004 7:35 pm

Blast here with another live remote. Today we are coming from the Keebler Cookie Factory. I am talking to the public relations Elf Whinny, Mr. Elf your cookies and other products seem to be a big hit in the wizarding and muggle world, can you let us in on the secret of your success?

Well we could, but we would have to kill you for it to remain a secret.

Blast,"Very funny Mr. Elf."

Mr. Elf:  No we would kill you; check out the mass grave behind the tree.

Blast; "You mean that you have had people killed before?"

Mr. Elf:  You bet, we have them six to a plot back there.

Blast; " Then why did you invite us to come here today?"

Mr. Elf:  Just to see you squirm a bit.

Blast; " You Elves seem more like Goblins."

Mr. Elf:  Well we are part Goblins part House Elf.

Blast; " Well that would explain a lot, can you tell me on the muggle product you are pictured as these sweet little creatures who live in a tree baking all day."

Mr. Elf:  That was the boss's idea, a stroke of marketing genius. If he pictured us as we are, no muggle would ever buy one.

Blast;" Well you do have a tree here, is this where the baking is done?"

Mr. Elf:  Not on your life, the tree is just a prop, all the baking is done at Hogwarts. Dreadful helpfull those house elves are; what can we do for you sir? get us a roasted ox if we asked.

Blast: " You mean all those cookies are baked at Hogwarts? What does Dumbledore have to say about it?"

Mr. Elf:  It was his idea, how do you think that the school's funded!

Blast;"Wow you learn something everyday. So are there any new products to expect soon?"

Mr. Elf:  Yes we are, we are bringing an idea from North America, flythrough coffee shops. There has been a bit of a setback however, we can't keep help.

Blast; " And why is that?"

Mr. Elf:  As you know, House Elves usually wear old bits of rags, so we had all these spiffy uniforms made for them. As soon as we give them the uniforms they screw off crying about being freed.

Blast;" I can see where that would be a bit of a snag."

Mr. Elf:  We have a pilot project with Trolls but the smell kind of turns customers off.

Blast;" Without saying it would probably curl the cream."

Mr. Elf:  We have another idea, Squibs, but we can't find enough of them, so we are looking at a few other options.

Blast; "Well our time is up, and now back to Glenda for the Witching Hour.....are we off the air... good!

Hey Jack did you here the scoop on Glenda Chitlock, she has a thing for Goblins. Poor Urg, she'll probably chat him up next, I hear that she has spent sometime in St. Mungo's for a little fixing up. She really is part hag and needs a tuneup about once a year to keep up appearances. Remember last year at the Christmas party, she wolfed back the whole platter of chopped liver...What??? . . .we're still on the  . . . oh oh.....

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Sabotage - Oct 11, 2004 11:02 pm (#147 of 179)
Edited by Oct 11, 2004 4:04 pm

Sabotage: *yelling* Ok, I promised my adoring fans out there that I’d get them another interview! I can’t back out now!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: You have too, Sabby. We fired you weeks ago! And after the Hoodle incident there’s no way I’m letting you on the air!

Sabotage: *smiles knowingly and crosses arms* Oh yeah? Welll… *whips microphone out of pocket* Here we are in my producers office every one! I’d like you all to meet my, slightly caught off guard, producer!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *under breath* You can’t do this to me; I’m in charge here! I’ll call security!

Sabotage: Security you say? I’ll have to let you know that they are behind me about… three hundred and seventy billion percent. Go ahead and call them though.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *pulls out a walkie-talkie* Security! My office! NOW!

Sabotage: *looks at watch* And … one … two … three …

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *hesitantly* Are we really on air?

Sabotage: Wow, a whole two minutes before you asked that one! And yes, we are.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: CENSORED— YOU –CENSORED—I’M GONNA --CENSORED— AND –CENSORED. *pauses* There is a delay right?

Sabotage: Uh, nope.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: CENSORED.

Serena and Venus Williams: *crash into the room holding their rackets* Is this the way to the tennis court?

Sabotage: *jump up and down then rushes over* No! Hello! Hello! *shoves microphone under their noses* Don’t you think my producer is a dodo head?

Serena and Venus Williams: Ermmm… Yes?

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Hey! I’m revoking your right to use the tennis courts!

Serena and Venus Williams: You can’t do that!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Yes I can.

Serena Williams: No you can’t!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Yes!

Venus Williams: No!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Yes!

Sabotage: Sorry sir, but you can’t. You aren’t the boss of this division any more.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *screams* What?!

Sabotage: *giggles* Just kidding.

Security: *crashes door open* Letter for you boss.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: What now? *takes the letter from a security man then waves him away*

Security: *stay where they are*

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *rolls eyes and opens letter* … *pales*

Sabotage: *snatches letter from producer* Dear Melvin… hey! I didn’t know your name was Melvin.

Melvin: *sighs*

Sabotage: Ok… ‘Dear Melvin, We the board of righteous people hereby make you a janitor…’

All (except Melvin): *collective gasp*

Sabotage: *murmurs* Darn! He got the job I wanted! Any way… ‘but because you are so very bad at cleaning we have to send you to cleaning collage. This banana peel your portkey. *banana peel appears on the floor with a sparkly arrow pointing at it* All you have to do is slip on it and you’ll appear at the collage. Sabotage is to become the new producer of… err… her own show. Serina and Venus Williams have full access to the tennis courts now too. Bye dudes! Signed, The Righteous Board and Barney.’

Serena and Venus Williams: *throw up their rackets, which land on Melvin’s head*

All (except Melvin): Yes!

Serena and Venus Williams: *grab rackets from Melvin* Which way to the tennis courts?

Security: We’ll show you! *leave with Serena and Venus*

Melvin: *sighs and slips on the peel* *disappears*

Sabotage: Wow! Me, producer! Can you believe it folks? Well, I am assigning myself the interview with the headless huntsmen! Now I must go rewrite the code so tune in next time!

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Blast - Oct 19, 2004 11:21 pm (#148 of 179)

This is Blast reporting from Diagon Alley on the preparations for this year's Halloween festivities, ah there's Mr. Ollivander. Mr. Ollivander, Blast from W.W.N., could we have a quick word?

Mr. Ollivander: " Mr. Blast I remember every wand that I've ever sold, but I don't remember selling you one. But I suppose whatever wand you had was snapped in half after the Binns' incident?

Blast; "No they didn't, he got up to teach the next day so they figured that no harm was really done."

Mr. O. " But they did expell you if I remember."

Blast; " No I was an exchange student at Hogwarts, they just re-exchanged me. I have a pretty neat wand Mr. Ollivander, do you want to see it?"

Mr. O.;"I would be delighted Mr. Blast, oh my goodness I have heard of these, but I didn't think that they really existed!"

Blast;" Yup they do, thirteen inches long, Victoriaville with the tonail of a Sasquach, made by the McKenzie Brothers. A real beauty."

Mr.O; "You mean your wand is made from a broken hockey stick?"

Blast;" Not just any broken hockey stick, this is part of the stick that Rocket Richard broke over the head of the referee that lead to the Montreal riots. It really is magical!"

Mr. O.; " Ah how time flies, there is a particular sweaty unicorn waiting for me, I must take my leave of you.  Good day Mr. Blast."

Blast; " Thanks Mr. Ollivander, well this is Blast signing off from Diagon Alley, now over to my ex-wife Glenda for the Witching Hour."

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Istari Jones - Oct 21, 2004 1:32 am (#149 of 179)
Edited by Oct 20, 2004 6:35 pm

Istari Jones: Well folks, here we are again with another award winning interview with an inanimate object. I’m here in Bethnal Green talking to a regurgitating toilet. Hello, Mr. Toilet, how are you today?

Toilet: (Silence except for the sounds of water trickling into the tank)

Istari: Wonderful! Now, tell me, Mr. Toilet, just how did this happen? Clogging from paper towels? Full septic tank?

Toilet: (Water continues to fill the tank)

Istari: (Jiggles handle on the tank) Here, let me help. If you keep trying to fill up like that you’ll run your water bill sky high! (Jiggles handle again) So tell me, are you the more modern model with a water conservation design, or you an older model the flushes much, much better than your contemporary counterparts?

Toilet: (Ominous gurgling sounds begin to emanate from the bowels of the porcelain bowl)

Istari: Excuse me? (Jiggles handle harder) There, I think that’s about got it….

Toilet: (Large bubbles of noxious sewer gas begin bubbling out from the depths of the U bend)

Istari: (muttering under her breath) Stupid toilet… just like the one at home….always gotta fiddle with it…wish I had a plunger…(Takes lid off the tank and peers into the cold, wet workings of the tank) Nothing seems to be wrong with anything in here…

(Sounds if footsteps are heard thumping down the hall. Suddenly a loud heavy knocking on the door is heard on the door of the bathroom.) Any one in there? (Door creaks open) Oops! Sorry, Ma’am!

Istari: No, please! Come on in! The water keeps running into the tank. Nothing looks wrong in there, Mr… uhhh, Mr…?

Loos: Loos, Ma’am, Mr. Loos of Plunkett, Leakey, and Loos Plumbers, Inc. (Attempts to hitch up hip-hugger pants over pendulous overhang of his abdomen) Let’s have a look-see. Here, li’l lady…I don’t expect you to understand the workings of such a complicated piece of equipment like the SuperFlush 5000…

Istari: (Annoyed by patronizing behavior of the plumber) The name’s Istari. Istari Jones. I’m here to do an interview about a regurgitating toilet. Perhaps you can tell me, Mr. Loos, have you heard mention of anything like that in the area?

Loos: Awww, Li’l lady, I can tell you I’ve never seen the like of it! We’ve had calls all over the countryside. People flush the handle and stuff spews all over the place! We’re not talking about your basic run-of-the-mill over flow, no siree! Stuff vomits all over the place! You wouldn’t believe what spews up! Well, we’ve seen…

Istari: Uhhh, just what do you think is causing it?

Loos: (Squats down to peer into the depths of the toilet revealing a vast expanse of backside) Not a clue! (Takes on a falsely intellectual air) If you look at the pure physics of hydraulic pressure when it encounters the resistance of a plugged drain…

(Sounds of a loud crack and of more footsteps are heard coming down the hall. Arthur Weasley pokes his head in around the door.) My word! A Pumble!

Istari: Oh, hello Arthur! Funny seeing you here… but then, that would explain a few things. (Lowers voice to Arthur) So it’s a hex? Or a spell? Any idea who’s doing it, Arthur?

Arthur Weasley: Imagine! Pumbles! Here in Bethnal Green! (Excitedly looks around for plugs in the bathroom) I wonder… Say, uhh, excuse me, but you wouldn’t be planning on using ecletricity, would you?

Mr. Loos: Huh?

Istari: (Whispers) It’s electricity, Arthur.

Arthur Weasley: Ahh, yes, of course! Electricity, you know, to fix it? (Looks into the pockets of his robe) I have a toaster you may use if you want. We can use a plug!

Mr. Loos: Electricity! To fix a toilet? Filled with water? (Laughs obnoxiously) Are you an idiot?

Arthur Weasley: Uhh, no, actually…

Mr. Loos: Well, what kind of idiot would put a plugged-in toaster into water ? (Absentmindedly flushes toilet. Suddenly a gusher of foul sewage begins to erupt from the toilet. Mr. Loos turns toward the toilet, aghast, grabs the handle and wiggles it vigorously, then reaches into his bag for a plunger. Sewage begins to violently bubble from the bowl. Arthur grabs Istari, forces her into the hall and slams the door, nobly remaining inside the bathroom with Mr. Loos. Sewage seeps from under the bathroom door and drips from the clothes and hair of Istari Jones. Flashes of light, yelling, banging and gurgling are heard from behind the door.)

Istari: Ohh, gross! Yucko! And this was a new suit, too! (Flutters hand to remove residue) Phew! I gotta talk to the boss about getting reimbursed for the cleaning bill. I don’t bring home enough celery to have to deal with this! (Empties shoes)  Poor Arthur! And, oh, poor Molly! When Arthur gets home and she has to do his laundry! (Shakes microphone free of sludge) This is Istari Jones, live from Bethnal Green with a regurgitating toilet. Remember, jiggle the handle first, folks.

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Istari Jones - Oct 21, 2004 8:12 am (#150 of 179)
Edited by Oct 21, 2004 1:36 am

Istari Jones: (Walking squelchily toward the sidewalk) I just don’t believe this. Pee-yew! (Tries vainly to wipe off foul residue off clothes from her last interview with a regurgitating toilet) This is ridiculous! “You gotta go after the story, Istari, the story won’t come to you!” Thanks for the advice, Urg. The Boss sure doesn’t pay me enough celery to have to put up with nonsense like this. I guess it could be worse, though. Poor Arthur Weasley! I’m sure he doesn’t get paid enough celery for what he does, either. And poor Molly! Having to wash his clothes after he spends a night repairing damage like that toilet.

(Throws out wand arm. The Knight Bus appears suddenly on the curb.)

Stan Shunpike: Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or…What’s that smell?

Istari: Never you mind! I need a lift.

Stan: Where to?

Istari: To the WWN Building, where ever they’ve moved it to this time. How much?

Stan. Eleven sickles. But for firteen you get ‘ot chocolate, for fifteen you get an ‘ot water bottle. For twenty you get …

Istari: Is there a shower on board?

Stan: (Laughing) Go on! Nah! The water would make too big a’mess. (Sounds of spattering are heard half way down the aisle). But I kin get you a wet towel and washcloth. We keep’em handy for Mrs. Marsh, here…

Istari: Fine, that’ll work. (Walks unsteadily down the aisle past Mrs. Marsh) Well, it could be worse. At least I’m not running into any of the men of my dreams here and…

Lupin: Istari? Is that you?

Istari: (gives Lupin the deer –in–the–headlight look) Oh, crap! Remus! Wh-what are you doing here?

Lupin: I’m on my way to London. Are you heading that way?

Istari: Uhh, yes. Yes I am. (Tries to look dignified and casual with sewage-encrusted hair and clothes and a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe) Just coming back from an interview for the WWN.

Lupin: Let me guess… A regurgitating toilet in Bethnal Green?

Istari: (Gives Lupin a blank look) Who told you??

Lupin: I guessed.

(The Knight Bus careens around a bend and comes to a halt. Tonks jumps on board looking very petite, perky and clean, and smelling very nice. She dashes down the aisle knocking Mrs. Marsh’s hot chocolate out of her hand and heads for an empty seat next to Lupin) Oh, sorry, Mrs. Marsh!! Wotcher, Remus! Wow, what’s that smell?? Oh, hello Istari!

Istari: (with a sad fixed smile) Hello Tonks.

Tonks: (in a low voice to Lupin) I gave the driver extra money to pick up Professor Snape at the next stop.

Istari: (Closes eyes and groans miserably) It’s going to be a long, long ride to WWN….

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Oct 21, 2004 6:12 pm (#151 of 179)

(Istari storms into the WWN office, ignores "Do Not Disturb" sign and slams hands down onto the Boss's desk.)

Istari: Look, Boss, I've had it. I don't get paid enough celery for what I'm doing here. Even with the extra peanut butter and the cheese-in-a-can. Look at me! Do I look professional??? Do I look like a great representative for the WWNterviews?? Even the trolls in the dark alley ran when they saw me coming! My clothes are in ruins! My shoes need to be thrown away! And, listen here, buddy, it's not like I go out and buy high fashion duds, anyway! Most of this stuff I got on clearance at the Super-Mega-Mini-Mart and Appliance Center!

I think it's about time you and I had a little talk about money, Sherlock, and I don't mean knuts and sickles, either. Now...let's negotiate.

Well, I'm waiting...

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Ticker - Oct 21, 2004 6:31 pm (#152 of 179)

(Wanders past an unfortunate smelling closet...)

Oh, I thought that was you Istari. (short gulp of air) Great speech! Now hike on over to he Boss' office & let 'er rip... Oh, & uh, (quick gasp) check your microphone. I think it's still on...

(Runs back down the hall... GAAAASP!)

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Istari Jones - Oct 22, 2004 1:10 am (#153 of 179)

Wait...I'm in the wrong room? Shoot! Wasted a good speech for nothing!Where's the Boss at any way?

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rettoP yrraH - Oct 22, 2004 3:31 am (#154 of 179)
Edited by Oct 21, 2004 8:34 pm

Welcome to WWN, I am Sam 'The Boss' **** (last name withheld to protect the innocent)

As we all know WWN was established a while back with our first guest Errol "the feather duster" Weasley. Errol led on to bigger and less interesting things, socks for instance. Things went well for a while, then I got kidnapped by some filthy beast. The Loyal Fanbase of this show managed to rescue me and my pal Ugh 'filthy' The Unclean. Unfortunately they forced Ugh to take a shower. Yells of "I'M MELTING" was heard for quite a while. things calmed down for a while...well you all know the story so I'll just get onto the interview...as soon as possible...when my guest shows up....who.....he's very late.......Hmmm hmmm hmm hm hmmmm.....VERY very late........

And here he is! A BIT LATE I MIGHT ADD! (and a little deaf) ERROLS DAD!

Sam: HELLO ERROLS DAD!

Errols Dad: hoot

Sam: err....why do I interview animals? They cant talk.... Wait! This is MY show! I can do what ever I please! I can spell words wrong! use bad English, bad punctuation, I can speak in Hungarian if I want! HEY DUMB BIRD! YOU CAN TALK!

Errols Dad: Uhhhh...hoot?

Sam: Is that all you can say? Hoot?

Errols Dad: Uhhh...to-who?

Sam: I can say something stupid like, "To me" but I wont. Ladies and Things! Behold! The bird may be able to speak, but he has no vocabulary! Bird! YOU CAN SAY WORDS!

Errols Dad: Other can potatoes. Cars not with buttons. Guitars in smoke, grapes tune left.

Sam: I don't understand poetry can you try something else?

Errols Dad: In going and coming, I left behind to other that came after they went. How the flew I do not know, other then they had spatulas.

Sam: eh?

Errols Dad: I once rode a nose so long and sweet, then it dove and made a rainbow.

Sam: *dozing off* your nothing like your son.....

Errols Dad: But what is a spring to an off? doth canith havith Hoot hoot hoot...

Sam: *yawn* Abracablabla you cant talk any more...

that was boring....well yet again we end another terribly exiting broadcast...hope you hated it and toss your radios out the window only to have the fall on someone and then get sent to jail and serve 10 years to life for unintentional man slaughter HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHha ha ha *foaming at mouth, fingers twitching* I AM BUTTONS!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHA!!!!!

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Blast - Oct 22, 2004 9:01 pm (#155 of 179)
Edited by Oct 22, 2004 2:07 pm

Blast here in Diagon Alley. Today we are chatting with Augustus Pye, a healer at St. Mungo's. Healer Pye, I understand that you have been promoted to the forth floor and that you are now in charge of Gilderoy Lockheart's treatment, how is it coming along?

Pye; " Well I have been treating him with a muggle method called Hypnosis. We are coming along nicely and any day now we should have a breakthrough and he will have all his memory back."

Blast;" Sound's interesting. Can you enlighten our listeners."

Pye; " Yes it is a method of putting the patient into a kind of trance and then using, through suggestion, a way of using the patient's own power to break through the memory charm."

Blast: " Indeed it does, it's too bad that you couldn't give us a demonstration."

Pye:" Well it's actually quite a simple procedure, all we need is a subject. Ah - -  here comes Professor Snape. Professor Snape, could I have a quick word?"

Snape:" Ah Pye, if you were not such a dismal Potion maker, your patients would be home a lot faster."

Pye pulls a gold pocket watch on a chain from his robes: " Professor Snape keep your eyes on the movement of the watch, see how it moves back and forth, your eyes are getting heavy, you are feeling very sleepy, you are asleep. . . . .'

Snape is standing asleep in front of Blast and Pye.

Blast; " Hey Augustus that was neat. Now what do you do?"

Pye; " I am not trying to regress Snape's memory, but we can work a bit on his social skills. Professor Snape you will cease to be a cantankerous person, you will become a loving teacher and human being, you will treat everyone you meet with respect and love. When I snap my fingers you will awake and become a new person. When I clap my hands you will return to your true self." Pye snaps his fingers.

Snape; " Why Augustus how nice to see you again. I guess that you are working wonders at St. Mungo's."

Blast; " Wow what a change, I've never ever seen him this cheerful..." All of a sudden Aurors jump out from behind trees and bushes with their wands out.

Dawlish; " Pye drop your wand and put your hands in the air!" Pye complies and he is subdued by the Aurors. " Healer Smethwyck put us onto you, said that you were acting funny lately, good thing we were watching you've put Snape under the Imperius Curse and it will be straight off to Azkaban with you."

The Aurors lead Pye down the street.

Blast;" Wow you don't see that everyday. Hey Professor Snape, what are you up to this afternoon?"

Snape; " I should return to Hogwarts, to my students, I have to tell them all how important they all are to me, Maybe we will even have a group hug."

Blast; " Well I guess that our time is up for today. Now back to Glenda.

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Oct 23, 2004 4:17 pm (#156 of 179)

All right, Sam... where are you hiding? I want to talk to you, "Boss". I'll make an appointment if I have to, but I'd rather keep it friendly. It's time to discuss pay raises for not just me, but your entire staff, Sam. And don't give me that "I'm on a pilgrimedge...pilgramige...trip to Auckland" excuse! Come on, Sam...where are you hiding?

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rettoP yrraH - Oct 24, 2004 6:08 am (#157 of 179)

Dear Istari,

I AM BUTTONS! HAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Thanks

frguhjdhgoweljmlsf

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Oct 25, 2004 1:44 am (#158 of 179)

frguhjdhgoweljmlsf?

Ok, Sam... I have another interview lined up, but I better get paid a lot better this go-round. I know I get paid thousands in celery, but it's all starting to rot in my cellar.

_____________________________________

Blast - Oct 25, 2004 11:55 am (#159 of 179)

Blast here in Diagon Alley and tonight the Wizarding World will be here in their finest!

Tonight is the presentation of the Witch Weekly Awards, hosted by WWN's own Glenda Chittock. Ali Barba has supplied a large red carpet in front of the Diagon Alley Opera House where the awards will take place. Security is quite heavy  - - not because of the Death Eaters, but because Lockhart will be receiving a lifetime achievement award, and all his old fans are here to see him.

Well I'll be back later for a report when the guests arrive. Now, back to the studio.

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Oct 27, 2004 2:44 am (#160 of 179)
Edited by Oct 26, 2004 8:52 pm

Istari: Wow, that’s a lot better. Thanks to Mrs. Skower’s Magical Mess Remover I’m finally clean. (Sprays on favorite musk perfume) I’ve got to thank those WWN elves for getting rid of those foul, sewage filled clothes while I took that wonderful bath! (straightens new clothes and touches up make up while looking in the mirror)

Mirror: You look much better, my dear, but your wand doesn’t look very well.

Istari: Thanks a lot! Yes, I’ve had this poor wand for a long time. It hasn’t worked well since a troll used it for a toothpick, but I just hate to part with it. Someday I’ll get a new one. Well, I’d better hurry over to Diagon Alley Opera House for the Witch Weekly Awards that Blast is banging on about. I’ll just grab my wand and my mike and…my mike and … (begins to search frantically through around the shower room) where’s my mike?

Mirror: The elves took everything out while you were showering, my dear.

Istari: Everything? Oh, no! My microphone! How can I do my interviews without a mike? Quick, where would they have taken my stuff?

Mirror: Probably out to the bin in the alley. We do take advantage of the Muggle disposal system for all our non-magical trash, you know. Some Muggle concepts are quite ingenious, you know.

Istari: Bin? You mean…a dumpster?

Mirror: Yes, dear. I believe that’s what they are called in the States.

Istari: (Slaps forehead in exasperation) Bins, suits of armor spitting ink pellets, vomiting toilets, and cripes, now a dumpster! What next? (looks at watch) Oh, no! The Witch Weekly Awards starts in an hour! I’ve gotta get my mike!

(Dashes outside the WWN entrance that opens into a litter-strewn alley near the Leaky Cauldron. Pedestrians, including wizards and witches disguised as Muggles, pass immediately beside the large garbage bin used by the WWN staff)

Istari: (looks around to make sure no one is watching her, then quickly flips the lid to the bin. There is a resounding GONG! and a thump as it opens. A sour, pungent odor and an assortment of flies float up from the dark interior. ) I don’t see it! Where’s it at? Accio, microphone! Accio! Accio! (Bends down farther into the bin, shuffling trash around, shaking the tempermental wand feverishly) Accio microphone!

Ron: …it would drive me mad too, mate, having someone follow me all the time. You couldn’t even go to the loo without thinking someone was there! There’s probably someone following us right now in an invisibility cloak.

Harry: Too right, you are. I mean I understand why, but like I’ve said before, it’s not like Lord Voldemort is going to jump out from behind a bin and attack me or something…(Frowns and suddenly rubs forehead).

Ron: I wish you wouldn’t say that name, mate….Another headache, huh? A butterbeer will help that… (A door creaks open and then slams shut as they enter the Leaky Cauldron)

Istari: Stupid wand. I gotta get a new one. Won’t even Accio properly… (Looks around, then climbs into the bin in a very unladylike manner. Sounds of rustling are heard faintly from the bin.)

(A low groan is heard from behind the bin. A hand, white and thin, grabs the lid of the bin and gives it an angry shove. The lid flips shut with another resounding GONG. Another groan is heard, and a face, thin, white, and inhuman, with red eyes and an enormous purple bump on its forehead, arises slowly from behind the bin.) Potter! You have escaped me for the last time, but you will not…GONG!

(The lid flips crashes open and downward once again. Istari rises slowly from the depths of the bin rubbing the top of her head, covered in refuse and goop.)

Istari: All right! Who did that! (looks around for the culprit and spies Lord Voldemort on the ground.) Hey, you! Yeah, I said you! Why did you… Oh my gosh! It’s can’t be! (hurriedly scrambles out of bin with lettuce-encrusted microphone in hand) It’s you, isn’t it?!? Lord Voldemort! (Sticks microphone into Voldemort’s face) I’ll get a Pulitzer for this! What shall I call this interview? “Interview with a Vampire?” No, that title’s been taken already… Hey! Wake up! (Shakes Voldemort roughly. Voldemort begins to stir)

Istari: (Excitedly into the microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, I am especially honored today to interview none other than Lord Voldemort himself! Will you introduce yourself to our listening audience, sir?

Voldemort: (Moaning) Oohhhhh…..

Istari: Uhh, what is your name, please?

Voldemort: (confusedly with speech somewhat slurred) Uhhh….uhh… Bob, I think…

Istari: Bob? Oh come on now!

Voldemort: (Shakes head and attempts to stand) Bob… my name is …Bob.

Istari: (very disappointed) You’re not… Lord Voldemort, then?

Voldemort: Who? No… no, my name is …Bob…

Istari: (really put out at this point) Ok, so, what do you do for a living, Bob?

Voldemort: Why….why …

Istari: Wino? I guess that’s why your eyes are so bloodshot, huh? Do you live here in this alley, Bob?

Voldemort: No, I… I don’t know where I live.

Istari: (to herself) I guess I could do an interview with the city’s homeless…I tell you what, Bob, I’ll come talk to you tomorrow after you sober up and I’ll interview you then, OK? Right now I better find a member of the Magical Law Enforcement to come see you to a safe place. Lord Voldemort is supposed to be back. I wouldn’t want to see him or any of his Death Eaters get hold of you! Here, you sit here behind this bin until I return. Now, stay here, OK? I’ll be back soon….(trudges off) Rats! If that would have been Lord Voldemort I would have had the interview of a lifetime! I could have gotten some real income too, not just that stupid celery the Boss pays us….

(The door to the Leaky Cauldron opens. The sound of footsteps passes the alley.)

Ron: Are you feeling any better, Harry?

Harry: A little, but I wish I knew where Voldemort was. Something is going on with him now, but I can’t tell what. Maybe being watched by a member of the Order isn’t such a bad thing anyway. (Turns and chucks an empty butterbeer bottle at the open bin. He overshoots. The bottle thwocks hard against something behind the bin.)

Harry: (Suddenly rubbing his forehead ) There it goes again! I wish I knew what it meant!

Ron: Have a Chocolate Frog, mate. And don’t worry. You-Know-Who is no where around…

_____________________________________

Blast - Oct 27, 2004 8:18 am (#161 of 179)
Edited by Oct 27, 2004 1:19 am

It's pandamonium out here tonight kids, we are waiting by the red carpet to see the nomonees arrive. Here comes some now, it's Aberforth Dumbledore with Madame Rosmerta, Aberforth looks great in his casmier robes and Rosmerta is stunning in her mini robes and ruby slippers, and here's Rita Skeeter[ sound of a coin being dropped in a cup] talk to you later Rita, I'll buy you a dinner. I think that the weasley twins have arrived, they are up for the young entepreners award, they look fabulous in their dragonskin robes, and I see in the crowd their brother Ron, Ron have you got a word for our WWN listeners.

Ron; 'Hi

Blast;' Ron your brothers seem to be a big success how do you feel about this ?'

Ron;' This is just great ,now look what I have to put up with.'

Blast;' Sorry but I don't understand.'

Ron;' Mom will almost intollerable now, she will expect me to just do as well as them.'

Blast; ' Ron your still in school'

Ron;' I expect that she will want me to drop out and become a big success too!"

Blast;' That's not fair Ron, your Harry Potter's best friend that must count for something, by the way how is school?'

Ron; 'It's getting really weird, Snape has become all the student's best friend lately, he is fawning over all of us and we even have group hugs and everything, it's really scarry.'

Blast;' Well thanks Ron but we have to go we'll be back later.

_____________________________________

Blast - Oct 27, 2004 5:12 pm (#162 of 179)

Blast back and not eveyone here is a Lockhart fan I am talking to a witch with a hairlip. Why do you hate Lockhart so much?

Hairlip;'Well I wath out bwinging in my laundry and I looked up to see an owl fallin from the shky. HE ad a note to a Perthy Weasly attaccthed to his leg. He hit me on the noggin. When I came too alll these memorieth came back. I got rid of that banthee not im.

Blast;'WOW can you supportyour claim?'

HLW;'When I get a hold of im I'll make him scream like a Banshee'

Blast;' And this is your proof?'

HLW;'Want a demonstration?"

Blast;'Okay I believe you, but getting to him will be really tough his fan clubs from around the world will be here and I don't think that they will let a hair on his pretty little head be harmed.'

HLW;' I shall bide my time.'

Blast;' Moving along, now ariiving on the carpet is Tom the bartender from the Leakey Cauldron, and his main squeeze Doris Crockford, Tom a word please,'

Tom;'Blast how are you still drinking Newfy Screech and clamatto, what did you call that again Death by a Moose?"

Blast;' No Tom I gave up alcohol that night after I woke up at Umbridge's[ shuddering sound] but anyway Tom you once won the Witch Weekly smile award, what happened?'

Tom;'Well one night at the Cauldron the was a real donnegal, fists were flying, hooves were flying.'

Blast 'Hooves - -  you mean you got kicked by a Centaur?"

Tom' Yup that's why they're banned can't hold the booze. When I woke up at St. Mungo's some new healer screwed up the potion and all me choppers were gone.'

Blast' Wow must of been a big letdown.'

Tom 'At first it was but then I met Doris here, She said that there was something about a toothless man that excited her.'

Doris'You should see him eat, ooh it just enough to make a girl sream!"

Blast' He can't eat much more than soft food though what so exciting about that.'

Doris' Can't tell you sweety it's our little secret.'

bLAST ;'Well by you two[shudders] I think it is time for a break back to control.'

_____________________________________

Blast - Oct 27, 2004 5:44 pm (#163 of 179)

Blast back, and we are now inside the lobby of the Opera House,and there's Aberforth.  Mr. Dumbledore a word for our listeners.

Aberforth just glares at Blast.

Blast' Don't be hostile, Rosemerta can you get him to talk?'

Rosemerta;'He doesn't say very much strange bloke, but there is something about him.'

Blast' Well he does look good in the cashmere robes.  Doesn't smell good though.

Rosemerta' He's launching a new line of robes at gladrags, that's where I got this little number.'

Blast' And little it is *Aberforth glares even more* tell me Rosemerta how do you do it, you look only about 25?'

Rosemerta' Goats milk baths, just put on the charm and Abie here invites me over to the hottub...

Blast; I've heard enough, hey I think that the Malfoy's have arrived, HEY LUCIUS OUT FOR A CONJUGAL?'

*Voiceover* We'll return to the awards in a while after Blast get's a little tune up at St. Mungo's

_____________________________________

Blast - Oct 27, 2004 8:36 pm (#164 of 179)

Blast back folks got a little bit of a headache but I'll be fine. We are still awaiting the nominees to arrive but the guests keep coming. I think that Mr. Lovegood has arrived, Mr. Lovegood a word please,

Lovegood' Ah hello has Fudge arrived, I finally have proof of his misdeeds.'

Blast' How did you get the proof.

Lovegood' We planted a mole in his Kitchen a House Elf named Louis.

Blast' Ingenious and what have you found out.'

Lovegood' I'll let him tell you himself, HEY LOUIS I LIKE A WORD.( Louis the house Elf appears) Louis tell Mr. Blast about what Fudge does with Goblins.

Louis'( Slams his head against Blast's Microphone) Louis cannot say. Mr Fudge has ordered him not to talk to anybody from the news.'

Lovegood' But Louis you told me all about it a few days ago and I publish the Quibbler.'

Louis' Very funny sir everyone knows the Quibbler is rubbish.'

Lovegood' No it's not we publish important stories that people should know about like Crumple-Horned Snorkacks.'

Louis' Beg your pardon sir but that was a little House Elf joke.

Lovegood' You mean I've wasted all this time and energy looking for something that doesn't exsist?|

Louis snickering 'Oh they exist sir you just aren't looking in the right places.

Lovegood' Tell me Elf or I swear that I'll'

Louis 'Death threats will do no good sir, all house elfs get them at sometime.

Blast' Moving along I think that our first nomonee has finally arrived, Yes it is it is Victor Krum, Victor a word please,'

Krum looking surely' Vot do you vant.'

Blast' Just to congraduate you on your nomination. Can you show us your smile.'

Krum' Vot is a smile?"

Blast,' Well over to Glenda for a bit I need to take a coffee break.'

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Oct 28, 2004 4:26 am (#165 of 179)

Istari: This is Istari Jones at the Witch Weekly Awards where the best dressed witch or wizard can now be seen on the red flying carpet at the entrance of the Diagon Alley Opera House. With me tonight is Madame Maulkin, owner of Madame Maulkin’s Robes for All Occassions and dress designer extraordinaire. Tell me, Madame Maulkin, the dress robes we have seen pass by us tonight have been just incredible! Where do you come up with your creative designs?

Madame Maulkin: I receive inspiration in many ways.

Istari: Such as?

Madame Maulkin: From nature around us, for instance. Not many people can appreciate the natural beauty found in the grain of a fine wooden counter, or the color of natural items like peanuts or a tankard of ale.

Istari: (Watches Narcissa Malfoy pass by in a soft aquamarine creation encrusted with hundreds of pearls) Absolutely stunning! Your women’s apparel has such fluid designs. Ms. Malfoy’s, for instance. She looks like she stepped out of a crystal lake! Where did you get the idea for that gown?

MM: From a glass of ice-blue Artic Champagne. The pearls on the gown represent the bubbles so indicative of a good Artic Champagne. It suits her personality, don’t you think?

Istari: Very much so, yes. And Mr. Malfoy?

MM: Yes, he looks quite regal in his white ermine robes with purple velour, doesn’t he? The design is mine, of course, but he did select the colors himself.

Istari: (Watches Glenda Chittock glide by in a stunning iridescent golden orange-brown number) And what about Ms.Chittock’s gown ?

MM: Ahhh, from a glass of Butterbeer. Butterbeer takes on a lovely hue when the sun shines behind it, you know.

Istari: And Ms. Rosmerta’s?

MM: From a glass of Ogden’s Fire Whiskey…

Istari: Tell me more about how you actually tailor the robes, Madame Maulkin.

MM: Well, it’s a twelve-step process in which I would rather not go into at this time.

Istari: I understand. I think I’m beginning to see a pattern here anyway. Was there any particular style that is more difficult than others to do?

MM: Well, there was a young girl from Hogwarts who had antlers sprouting out of her head. That was a bit tricky of course. And everyone wants to look thinner than what they really are.

Istari: Is that why you’ve developed your new line of Wonder Robes? One size fits all?

MM: Yes! I’m very excited about this new line. We’re trying to branch out into the Muggle world with this particular line. Hopefully it will replace those dreadful Mu Mus that some Muggle females are so fond of wearing. It’s advertised on the Muggle Internet also, on a site provided by someone called J. K. Rowling.

Istari: Your men’s line is also quite well received

MM: Oh, yes! For instance, Gilderoy Lockhart has been instrumental in that! There’s a man not afraid to wear lilac or mauve.

Istari: Some may say it takes a real man to wear lilac. However, basic black is always stylish. (Sees Professor Snape arriving) Professor Snape looks quite dashing in his signature black attire.

MM: Oh, yes. Many people simply cannot wear black. However, the clean lines and classic cut of his robes reflect a man very knowledgeable about fashion and style.

Istari: (Sees a man approach on a flowered nightshirt and crocheted poncho) And Archie?

MM: He just likes flowered nightshirts…

Istari: I imagine you have a lot of repeat business…

MM: Well, we provide all the school robes for the Hogwarts students in the area, and we do get a lot of requests for lime green St. Mungo’s scrubs, but those patients over at St. Mungo’s do have questionable tastes in clothing.

Istari: Do you have anything that is just fun for you to make?

MM: (Smiles bashfully) well, I’ve never told anyone this before, but I really enjoy making tea cozies for house elves.

Istari: Thank you, Madame Maulkin. (Looks down at own bedraggled attire) Well, I’m certainly underdressed tonight. What would you suggest for me?

MM: Hmmm. Let me see. (Pulls out her wand and taps her chin with the index finger of her free hand) Well, I can tell you I’m going to need a bit of help here. Let me call in my staff… (Turns and whistles loudly behind her. Several small mice dressed in jackets and pants, or in dresses and kerchiefs scamper around, between, and through dozens of unsuspecting witches’s and wizard’s legs, causing the owners to shriek in alarm and dance around excitedly. Madame Maulkin shakes her wand and clears her throat) Ready? Bibbidee-Bobbidee-Booble! (A shimmering ring of sparkles forms at Istari’s feet, climbs and grows upward, causing Istari’s clothes, shoes and hair to be transformed)

Istari: Look at me! I look beautiful! Just like Cinderella! I think I even have glass …(Raises hem of skirt) bowling shoes?

MM: Just remember, dear, be home by midnight or you’ll …

Istari: Turn into a pumpkin?

MM: No, get arrested for indecent exposure.

Istari: OK, I get the message. And thank you Madame Maulkin. And thanks to our audience out there for listening. This is Istari Jones for WWNterviews, signing off!

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Blast - Oct 28, 2004 9:21 am (#166 of 179)

Blast back and a funny thing just happened, when I went to get rid of my coffee cup, I found the one and only Ludo Bagman in the trash bin. Ludo what the heck are you doing in there?

Bagman climbs halfway out of the bin, his Wasps robes very ragged and smelly, there are a few Chocolate frog wrappers attatched to it;'Just came to see the show.'

Blast' But why are you hiding out in the garbage can when you could be inside drinking and eating? Bye the way have you been not well, your very thin.'

Bagman' Well there are a few people looking I mean hounding me lately some old fans, just thought that I'd show up and see if I could give a few pointers.'

Blast' Oh yeah look at what Lockheart's group is doing out there, if your fans showed up we'd need to go to Hogwarts ground's just to get everyone in.'

Bagman' Ah you see what I mean then.'

Blast' Hey look it's time for the shift change at Gringott's, those boys work hard and then they play hard, HEY GUYS OVER HERE GOT A WORD FOR WWN,....'

The goblins see Bagmann rush over slam the lid on the dust bin, turn it on it's side and start rolling it on it's side to parts unknown.

Goblin' Thanks Blast keep up the good work.'

Blast' Hey don't you have time for a quick word?"

Goblin' Can't stop now we're on our way to a feast and Baggmans the main...ah guest'

Blast' like I said those boys like to let loose after a hard days work. Now let's get back to the awards.'

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Oct 28, 2004 6:19 pm (#167 of 179)
Edited by Oct 28, 2004 11:25 am

Istari: Rats! Blast scooped the Bagman interview. I’ve gotta get a story here somewhere…Hey! It’s the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge! (Ungracefully pushes way through the crowd toward Fudge.) Good evening, Minster! May I have a word with you for WWN?

Fudge: I beg your pardon? Not now, I’m just getting ready to… the WWN, you say? Very well, very well! Now my dear, just how can I help you?

Istari: (Trying to take on a very cosmopolitan air but failing dismally) I was curious, sir, with reports of Lord Voldemort returning, just what the MOM is doing to prepare for the Wizarding World’s defense?

Fudge: (Assumes pompous, authoritarian, paternalistic stance) Well, my dear, first I want to assure you that we have our best people working night and day, around the clock, exploring every avenue to develop the best protection possible for our citizens.

Istari: Does that include all members of the Wizarding community, also, Minister? Werewolves, trolls, hags, giants, centaurs, house elves?

Fudge: What? (Realizing it’s an election year) Oh…yes…yes! Absolutely! We must all band together to stand resolutely against Lord… Thingie. If we all put aside our own petty prejudices, tear down hate and mistrust among ourselves, and dedicate ourselves to the completion of this goal we shall be victorious!

Istari: But, why should werewolves, centaurs and, according to Ministry guidelines, “half-humans” pledge their allegiance to you, when so many laws have been passed to prevent them from being even accepted into the Wizarding community? For instance, Dolores Jane Umbridge, your Senior Undersecretary, drafted a bit of Werewolf legislation last year that makes it nearly impossible for any human infected with a lycantrophic curse to get a job. As a many are forced to live in conditions of poverty, and as a further consequence stereotyped as monsters on an even grander scale.

Fudge: I beg your pardon? Now see here… (realizing the many eyes of the crowd are watching him) We are in the process of rethinking many of those laws. You see, it’s time for a change. A change to improve the lives of many valuable voters…errr, …citizens. Discrimination is not the answer, I say! Truth, honesty and justice have always been the hallmarks of my administration, and I daresay that racial and class biases, so long prevalent in the Wizarding community must stop! We must cultivate a kinder, gentler, world for ourselves and for future generations! (Scattered applause from the crowd. Fudge, beaming, bows politely to onlookers).

Istari: Truth, Honesty and Justice? What about Harry Potter?

Fudge: (Starting to become red in the face) What do you mean, Harry Potter?

Istari: It’s on record that he was tried by a full court in the infamous Courtroom 10 for a mere infraction of underage wizardry…

Fudge: Now, see here…

Istari: And an insider told me that if it had not been for the intervention of Albus Dumbledore himself Harry would not only have been kicked out of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but his wand broken in half – the very wand that saved and protected him from Lord Voldemort (Sharp gasps from the crowd) And he would have been given an all expense paid trip to Azkaban! (Angry mutterings begin to erupt from the crowd. A surly looking Auror - Dawlish- approaches Fudge’s side, his wand out.)

Dawlish: Is this person bothering you Minister?

Fudge: (Well aware of the angry mutterings of the crowd: “Answer the question! Answer the question, Minister!”) Of course not.

Istari: The very Albus Dumbledore that was stripped from his position on the Wizengamot and other places of power. The very Albus Dumbledore you tried to discredit in an intentional attempt to prevent the Wizarding World, the very Wizarding World you profess to protect, from knowing that the Dark Lord has returned!

Fudge: Now see here! (Face becomes redder and redder) Dawlish! Arrest this person! (Angry boos and mutterings become much, much louder. Shouts of “Liar!” and “Fraud” are heard among the crowd)

Dawlish: C’mere, Miss! (Reaches out to grab the microphone)

Istari: So, it’s against the law to ask the Minister to tell the truth? (Yells of support from the crowd reach Dawlish’s ears, who looks around to Fudge for orders.) Alright, I’ll stop. But one last question… you tried so hard over the last year to discredit Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore, yet witnesses verify you have had close connections with Lucius Malfoy for over the last year, who, incredibly, somehow managed a pass to attend the Witch Weekly Awards. The very same Lucius Malfoy that is a known Death Eater and very close to the Dark Lord himself. Can you answer that, Minister? (Dawlish eyes Fudge in a very hateful manner)

Fudge: (Face purple with anger) What! See here!…I… I don’t have time for such taradiddles! This interview is done! Now, let me pass! (Fudge pushes his way through the crowd into the Diagon Alley Opera House)

Dawlish: (Hands Istari a slip of parchment) I’m afraid I have to give this to you, Ms. Jones…

Istari: (Still stunned at the interview she has just obtained, looks down at the parchment) A fine? For harassment of a public official? Inciting a riot? And wearing glass bowling shoes without a license???

Dawlish: Sorry I had to do that, but I know a very good legal counselor that can help get you off. Here’s his address…Just between you and me, I’d like to see that pompous donkey run out of office! Let me know if you need a witness for your defense. Oh, on second thought…(takes the parchment from Istari’s hand, points his wand at it, and mutters “Incendio!” The parchment disappears in a flash of purple flame.) Well, enjoy the rest of the Awards ceremony, and call me if that pompous windbag gives you any more trouble.

Istari: (Shaken at everything that has just transpired) Th-thanks! Thank you! Well, now…(takes a deep breath) who can we interview next?

_____________________________________

Blast - Oct 29, 2004 11:22 pm (#168 of 179)

Blast back and I think that another nominee is arriving, yes it's Remus Lupin who is subbing tonight for Alaster Moodey, Remus you hairy handed gent, a few words what are you doing these days?

Lupin'I've been running them up in Kent Blast, and lately I've been overheard in Mayfair.

Blast' I have to tell you Remus, your hair is perfect. How is old Mad Eye, is he on to some Death Eaters, is that why he couldn't make it tonight?

Lupin' Not realy he just had some mobility problems.'

Blast' Was he injured in the line of duty?'

Lupin' No nothing as serious as that he just had a termite problem.'

Blast' Termites?"

Lupin' Yes I guess they have been having a good chew on his leg for a while now, all their little chomping sounds were driving him batty, he was hexing everything he could see. Well last night the leg finally gave was just as he was going down a flight of stairs, he bounced about fifty feet or so. So he's in St. Mungo's for a bit for some reconstruction.'

Blast' Reconstruction, he'll be in there until next year. Well thanks Remus, and remember this year lay off the cocktails and keep your paws to yourself, now over to Glenda for a bit..

_____________________________________

Istari Jones - Nov 1, 2004 12:50 am (#169 of 179)
Edited by Oct 31, 2004 5:50 pm

Istari Jones: This is Istari Jones once again at the Diagon Alley Opera House at the Witch Weekly Awards speaking with Mr. Kennilworthy Whisp, author of Quidditch through the Ages. Good evening, Mr. Whisp, how are you this evening?

Mr. Whisp: Thimply wonderful, Ithtari, and how are you?

Istari: Just fine, Mr. Whisp…

Whisp: Pleathe, call me Wathpy.

Istari: OK, Wathpy…uhh, Waspy, tell me, how did you come to write Quidditch through the Ages?

Whisp: Well, I’m quite the Quidditch fanatic, you thee. I love everything about the game: the thtadiums, the food, the roar of the angry crowd. I eat, thleep, and breathe Quidditch! Well, no one had written a compendium of thith marvelouth thport, tho, I thought, why not write about it?

Istari: You must have done a lot of research.

Whisp: Oh, yeth! It’th quite an obeththion for me. I think I’ve that through more gameth than anyone in the UK.

Istari: Do you have a favorite team?

Whisp: Well, I used to thupport the Wimbourne Wathpth. I can honethtly thay I wath their biggetht fan. In fact, that’th how I got my nickname of “Wathpy”. Yep, Kenniworthy “Wathpy” Whithp. That wath until I was thmacked in the kithther by a bludger hit by Ludo Bagman. Knocked out my two front teeth. Thee? (Grins widely revealing a gaping hole in his dentition.) That thupid thon of a bludger clapped me on me on the thoulder and thaid, “ Hey, Wathpy! You can bet you look like a real Quidditch player now! Ha!” Well, the Healerth at Tht. Mungo’th couldn’t fix me back up, tho…well, it’th given me quite a unique thpeech impediment now.

Istari: Yeth…I mean yes, I can see that. Are you still the Wimbourne Wasp’s biggest fan?

Whisp: (Sighs) Yeth, more tho now that Bagman no longer playth for them.

Istari: What do you have lined up for your next book, Waspy?

Whisp: A wonderful book on ancient broom games. I’m focuthing on the ancient games of Thtichthtock, Thuntbumpth, and Thwivenhodge, and how games evolved in theveral countrieth including Thweden and Thcotland. I touched upon them briefly in my book Quidditch through the Ages. My new book, Broom, Ball, and Thtick, thould be in print by Chrithmath.

Istari: Thanks, Waspy! And now, back to the Awards!

_____________________________________

Urg the Unclean - Nov 3, 2004 4:17 am (#170 of 179)

This is Urg the Unclean at the back door of the Diagon Alley Opera House where I have been assigned to interview gate crashers to Witch Weekly Awards. I see someone sneaking from trash can to trash can ... HEY!

(loud bang)

Voice: Ouch!

Urg: Whoever you are you get a T in surreptitiousness. Come under the light. Now .... Can it be? No I don't believe it. It's ... wait a minute. That scar is not a scar at all. It looks very much like red marker. Who are you?

Voice: Who are you?

Urg: I'm Urg of WWN.

Voice: RADIO! I'm on radio? Oh! Wow.

Urg: Not yet. We don't put just anyone on air. You have to be interesting. What's your claim to fame?

Voice: I'm a Harry Potter impersonator. (long pause) The best Harry Potter impersonator.

Urg: Well. Er ... yes. Er ... But you're over six feet tall.

HPI: I know. I have to bend my knees a lot.

Urg: And you must weigh over two hundred pounds.

HPI: But look at my hair. See how it sticks up at the back? People see that they aren't going to notice my weight.

Urg: It's not even your own hair. It looks like a shoe brush. I can see the straps under your chin.

HPI: No one notices. I assure you I'm the best there is.

Urg: OK. So go ahead and impersonate.

HPI: AAAAGGHHHH! (clutches forehead)

Urg: WHAT! WHAT!

HPI: I was having one of my Voldemort moments.

Urg: Don't do that. You scared the Bemerlin out of me.

HPI: Sorry. It goes over rather well in my act.

Urg: Do something else.

HPI: OK. Dinky Diddydums. Popkin. Ickle Diddykins.

Urg: (quickly looks over shoulder) I ... erm. I ... hehem. Are you OK?

HPI: Yeah! The people love it. I could improve it though. I need a straight man. I need someone to play Dudley. How about it? Wanna get in on a great act? We'll steal the show.

Urg: And ... er ... be called Popkin in front of all sorts of people?

HPI: And Dinky Diddydums.

Urg: Well, I ...er (aside: I'm sure Harry Potter doesn't stand so close to Dudley) ER ... NO. I have a job to do and ....

HPI: Ickle Diddykins

Urg: YES! And I should be doing it ... erm ... at the front door by the red carpet. (Why did the Boss assign me to this dark back alley?)

HPI: Popkin

Urg: (GULP) Someone's calling me. I must ... oh! wow. Look! Lockhart. Gotta run.

_____________________________________

Elfcat - Nov 5, 2004 3:44 am (#171 of 179)
Edited by Nov 4, 2004 7:46 pm

Me: Elfcat reporting live from the Witch Weekly Awards here in Diagon Alley! Due to the record high number of Harry Potter impersonators this year, we have had some difficulty locating the real one, but I think I have him now. Have you anything to say to the audience Harry?

Voice: Stop calling me Harry!

Elfcat: Why? are you incognito?

Voice: I am not, I'm me and I'm going to assasinate that little twerp, nobody at my school remebers my real name anymore!

Elfcat: And that name is...Whoa! Rewind, did you say assassinate?

Voice: My name is Ben and I hate Harry Potter because he looks just like me and he's so famous that every body keeps asking me for autographs and it's driving me NUTS!!!

Elfcat: Yeah, I couldn't tell....SECURITY!!!! You do realize that getting rid of Harry just makes him more famous? It's the whole Martyr effect.

Ben: No! don't even say that! I...Can't...NOOOOO!!!!! (sound of Ben running away from Diagon Alley as fast as he can never to return or come near Harry again)

Security Guard: *runs up to elfcat* What? What's wrong? Where is that guy going in such a hurry?

Elfcat: Never mind. Well folks, back to....somebody else.

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Urg the Unclean - Nov 14, 2004 12:40 pm (#172 of 179)
Edited by Nov 14, 2004 5:09 am

For Ticker. Sorry it took two months.

*************

This is Urg the Unclean one floor below the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic looking for Joseph Bend who maintains the ... er ... moving parts. There is a low hatch I am about to enter roughly level with my knees. I shall knock first. (sound of banging on metal)

Muffled Voice: o ou an?

(sound of creaking hinges)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean from WWN. I'm looking for ....

Voice: What do you want?

Urg: I'm Urg the Unclean wishing ....

Voice: I've already heard that part. Stop being so tedious and state your business.

Urg: Is Mister Bend here?

Voice: See! You could have said that right away and saved us a whole lot of trouble. Don't you realize how busy we are? There's bearings to grease, cogs to align, spindles to straighten. Your coming in here saying your name over and over is not helping one bit.

Urg: But ....

Voice: We have a schedule to keep, not like some who can just wander around all day. I'm having to make up for lost time as it is. And I'm one man short. Hurt on the job because of someone just like you getting in the way.

Urg: They told me I had an appointment. It was all arranged.

Voice: Well let me tell you about appointments. They can go horribly wrong, appointments. We had an appointment last July to grease the walls of the Black Room. Do you know the Black Room?

Urg: It's ....

Voice: It doesn't matter. All you need to know is there's a whole lot of doors in that room and they all spin around along with the walls before you can go through any of 'em. Don't ask me why. One of the mysteries of the Department of Mysteries I expect. Well the big round wall that holds all those doors runs on bearings. Stands to reason. And there's dozens of cogs all linked together making it go in a clockwise direction . My job is to keep those cogs and bearings in good working nick.

Urg: Good I was going to ....

Voice: AS I WAS SAYING! Last July we had an appointment to grease those cogs and bearings. We do it at night after everyone's gone home. So there we were all squashed under the floor dolloping on the grease and do you know what happened?

Urg: I expect ....

Voice: Well, of course you wouldn't. A whole bunch of kids came into that room and started it spinning. Almost took me hand off. Then they all buggered off so I tried again. Just got me gun on the grease nipple and they came back. I slid out of there fast but Billy didn't. He's slow is Billy. You should have seen the poor devil spinning around. Well, you couldn't see him really. He was a blur, he was. And shouting Oh! Oh! Oh! until it stopped.

Urg: And he got hurt?

Voice: Not then he didn't. Why don't you just listen? I bet you're the kind of a bloke who has to read the last page of a book before he's finished all the other pages. I had a brother like that. I don't think he ever read a book all the way through, my brother. Knew a lot of endings he did but couldn't tell you the story. The thrust as it were.

Urg: So ....

Voice: Back to Billy. Those kids were in and out of the Black Room. We were in and out of the cogs. Had to have it all greased before the day shift came on. Stands to reason. And then what do you think happened?

Urg: Billy ....

Voice: They was joined by grownups. Big kids themselves I shouldn't wonder. One of 'em, a woman mind, was even talking baby talk. We could hear her from down here. That's when we gave up and that's when Billy got hurt.

Urg: So you ....

Voice: Decided to grease the lifts instead. They're hard to do, lifts. Always clanking no matter what you do.

Urg: The one I came down in ....

Voice: So there we were, at the bottom of the pit. Just got me grease gun on the first nipple. Billy was holding the cable to keep it steady. And there she was again: the baby talk woman. Jumps in. Up she goes. Up goes Billy.

Urg: And that's when ....

Voice: Just listen will you. Worse than my brother you are. So I calls to him. "Billy! Hold on. Hold on Billy." And do you know what happened?

Urg: He let go.

Voice: Wrong again. It was one of those bloody kids. Chasing the baby talk woman he was. He pushes the button. Down comes the lift. Down comes Billy. Right onto my grease gun. Covered he was. Tried to stand up. Out goes his feet. Down he goes with a bang. Broke his bloody leg.

Urg: And so ....

Voice: So there's the story. The beginning, the middle and the end. And the moral of the story is?

Urg: I assume it's ....

Voice: Don't get in the way of people who are busy working. Someone might get hurt.

Urg: Hey! Stop pushing.

Voice: Out you go. (Sound of loud clang)

Urg: Well, I ... I .... I never even found out if that was Joseph Bend.

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Urg the Unclean - Dec 19, 2004 11:04 pm (#173 of 179)

Ticker's second request

... the inventor of the special duster used on the Arch of No Return (or whatever it's called)? Ticker

*********

This is Urg the Unclean in the Department of Mysteries with my guide, Fred Crumb who designed the special duster that cleans the Arch of No Return. Good after....

Crumb: I didn't invent the duster. I did inter-office memos, the wand checker outer, and a special door for Mister Fudge that bows to him before it opens.

Urg: Oh! I was led to believe that you ....

Crumb: Not me. That was Luther Arbuckle who did the duster. I heard your interview with Mrs. Plipshod by the way. Good job that chap from Magical Sports happened along and removed the broom from the grill of the visitors' lift. I suppose the two of you would have been going up and down still if he hadn't ....

Urg: Yes! Well that's all over and done with now.

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Ticker - Feb 5, 2005 7:47 am (#174 of 179)
Edited by Feb 4, 2005 11:51 pm

(Click, click, whuh... OK - good. It’s on. That way if I don’t make it back...)

This is Ticker on special assignment. I’m loaded with carrots, recording gear, camera... (pats pockets furiously... ahhh, yes) and a bag of chocolate covered Scooby snacks. I’m headed into the attic of St. Mungo’s this first week of February to determine if Puxatawnee KB Rabbit has seen his shadow.

I’m walking through what looks to be the collection of crates, outdated machinery & a pile of old straight jackets. It’s piled pretty high but I can still make out a few small dusty windows, so it’s conceivable that at certain times of day...

Ack! What was that sound?!?!?! (Holds breath for an eon... nothing.... nothing... . . . nothing...)

Er, OK anyway... (munch, munch) ...it’s conceivable a shadow could be seen at certain times of day. (Gulp.) Of course, it’s 11:30 p.m. right now. No bloomin’ daylight to be scared out of me... (munch, munch) “Don’t want to interrupt the rabbits nap time, do you?”... “Don’t want to come upon it before a meal now, would you?” ... “Best go at night when things have quieted down.” (Gulp.) Presumably that’s so they’ll hear me scream. (Feels bottom of empty Scooby snack bag - Zoinks! I ate them all already?)

(Inches forward again...) So... I’ve passed the equipment now & behind the old boxes of jello (dated 1957, by the way) is what appears to be a lair of some kind. It matches the description I got from Liz. Random piles of who knows what, a dark hole in the middle of it all, and a giant hamster watering bottle hanging on the side wall.

The floor has gotten crackly. There’s debris all over it. I’m not looking down... I’m not looking down... (squish) Ewwww. (Looks down.) Fer cryin’ out loud! Liz spit out her Billy-Bob’s-Ever-Soft-Bubblegum. Yuck. I’ll never get that stuff off my shoe. (Freezes as she hears a slobbery breathing noise...)

I’m slowly looking up. I don’t want to startle this rabbit. In that dark corner,... something white is moving around. I can feel it’s hot breath getting nearer. (Rumbling noise in background...) There! You hear that? It’s coming... it’s going to leap out at me any moment... it’s... oh! Hang on. It’s soooo cute. Awwwww....

Hey! Those are some sharp teeth you’ve got there, fella.

(Pulls out a carrot as deep growling begins. Tries to back away but foot is caught fast in bubblegum...) Er, um... did you see your, uh, shadow the other day? (Grrrrrrrrrrrr.... hack, hack..... hack...) The rabbit seems to have something stuck in it’s throat. Oh, poor thing. (Grrrrrrrrrrrr...) Or not. (Wiggles foot out of shoe...) Uh, niiiiiiiice bunny. Wanna carrot? (Tosses one in front of him, at the same time pulling out camera...) Smile. (FLASH - POOF...) That should capture some shadow. So, if the rabbit saw his shadow that means,... what? I can’t remember... (KB Rabbit’s eyes recover from blinding flash...)

(Roarrrrrrrrrrrrr...) This is Ticker signing off... (Pant, gasp,... Man, I’m too out of shape for running this fast...) You can forget that Easter Bunny Interview by the way...

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Urg the Unclean - Mar 25, 2005 3:45 am (#175 of 179)
Edited by Mar 24, 2005 7:48 pm

This is Urg the Unclean today talking with the cat, Crookshanks, once called the cleverest of its kind. Good evening Mister Crookshanks.

Crookshanks: When a goblin comes a hobblin' and he wants an interview

and his microphone is dusty and it looks more like a shoe ....

Urg: Yes! Well it's had a lot of use but it still works. I was going ....

Crookshanks: He starts off with excuses not deducing this is fun

So I'll amuse him with the news that his shoes are all undone.

Urg: Well yes. I'm aware of that. But talking of clothing I notice you are wearing a hat. Could you explain ...?

Crookshanks: You must know that it is easter and a bonnet I would wear

And the bonnet has upon it a curly auburn hair.

The hair is from the mattress of my mistress it is true

So if you guess who is this princess I'll be more impressed with you.

Urg: Princess? I ... er .... My boss told me to get the h ... get out of the studios and ... er, interview the craziest looking ... erm ... the most interesting looking ... er ... person ... and, well when I saw you, an interesting looking cat wearing such an interesting hat, I thought ....

Crookshanks: You're blabbering and slobbering and grabbing for ideas

And now your gibble-gabble will have everybody jeer

You're insincere enough when talking that what I really fear

is that people will start balking and that's it for your career.

Urg: Funny you should say that. The boss used the words "last chance" when he asked me to conduct this ....

Crookshanks: I'll cut across the snivelling and say this about your boss

He's trying hard to make it but you're his albatross.

Urg: Well! Well, I ... er ... have a few things to think about Mister Crookshanks. I'll ... em. Nice hat.

Crookshanks: Don't forget your shoelaces Mister Unclean.

Urg: No. No. I ... sigh

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Urg the Unclean - Oct 8, 2005 10:40 pm (#176 of 179)

This is Urg the Unclean continuing in our series educational happenings "Hogwarts and Beyond." I am in the owlery of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry meeting with Professor Sprout who teaches Herbology here and supervises the extensive greenhouses.

Urg: Good morning Professor Sprout.

Sprout: Hold this shovel.

Urg: Well, OK. Now in your work with magical plants ....

Sprout: Bring that bucket over here.

Urg: (clatter and footsteps) For our listeners interested in furthering their ....

Sprout: Now start in this corner and work your way back toward the door. When that bucket is full get another one from the pile on the steps outside.

Urg: But I'm here to ....

Sprout: You'll never get any work done if you keep talking.

Urg: I'm not here to shovel up ... what is this we're shovelling up?

Sprout: I don't know how you've got the cheek to use "we". You haven't filled one bucket yet and I'm on my fourth.

Urg: What's the point to all this? There's little skeletons mixed in with the most ....

Sprout: Not all plants thrive on dragon dung you know. Indeed, some are quite allergic to it.

Urg: Can we talk about that? I'm really here to ....

Sprout: You're not here to talk at all. A House Elf would have been finished by now and had all the buckets down in my potting shed.

Urg: But I wasn't sent here to do menial labor.

Sprout: What are you here for?

Urg: I wanted to talk to you about ....

Sprout: Hem! A little full of yourself young man. Why don't you go down to greenhouse number three and wait for me by the Tentacular ....

Urg: Yes. Yes. I'll do that. Here's your shovel.

Sprout: You may as well carry a couple of buckets with you. Be at least a little bit helpful.

Urg: OK! OK! (sigh)