Wizarding Wireless Network Interviews

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Urg the Unclean - May 29, 2004 1:54 pm (#113 of 179)
Edited by May 29, 2004 6:57 am

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean reporting on the controversial upsurge in popularity currently enjoyed by the boy hero, Harry Potter. The phones at WWN have never been so busy with many fans of Harry Potter calling in to offer their support. I'm currently talking to Ronald Weasley, long time friend of Mr. Potter and sceptic of the recent adulation being ....

Ron: What do you mean by 'sceptic'?

Urg: That you don't believe the sincerity of the support being shown.

Ron: Oh! That's OK then. I thought you were talking about toilets and stuff.

Urg: Now, Mr. Weasley. You contacted our Programs Director claiming the support for Harry Potter was, in your words 'hogwash'. What makes you say this?

Ron: Well, it's obvious. Isn't it? They've all done a 180 haven't they?

Urg: Do you not believe anyone is sincere?

Ron: Not one. Look I'll prove it to you. There's someone coming now. We'll ask her.

Voice: Doo-be doo-be doo, here I am walking in and Oh my Gosh!..

Ron: Do you like Harry Potter? Do you claim to be one of his fans?

Voice: Now, that's a toughie! Yikes!

Ron: See! She can't even make up her mind.

Urg: But ....

Voice: Well, that's a real toughie, siriusly!

Ron: What's your name?

Voice: Weeellll .... (scratches head)

Ron: You're not even going to admit who you are. Are you?

Voice: (very contrite and apologetic) Gee!

Ron: Do you claim to support Harry Potter or not?

Urg: Mr. Weasley. Why are you attacking her?

Ron: Attacking? I wasn't attacking her. I was only ....

Voice: Pardon???

Urg: Miss ... er ....

Voice: Yeee-Hawww!!!

Urg: Miss Hawww. Who's side are you on in the ....

Voice: First I'm on this side (hops to the left), then I'm on that side! (hops to the right) Then on this side (hops sideways)...now back again (hops backwards)!

Ron: She's not even being sensible.

Voice: Phhhht! Who has any fun when they're sensible?

Urg: Miss Hawww. Do you consider yourself a Harry Potter supporter?

Voice: I'm just wild about Harry. (laughs) He's just phenomenal. He's so-o-o tremendous.

Ron: Have you always supported him or just since he's proved You Know Who's back?

Voice: (Clears throat and takes a sip of warm Orange and Spice tea) Mmmmm! I've always liked Professor Lupin and, well he supports Harry Potter.

Urg: Well that's a reasonable position.

Ron: Here's an idea, why don't you shut your mouth?

Urg: Mr. Weasley! I'm conducting this interview. Ms. Hawww has come up with a very good reason for supporting Harry Potter,

Ron: Oh, come on, half the people claiming to support Harry only stood up when Fudge admitted he was wrong. It means they are not really fans, they're just jumping on the bandwagon.

Voice: And lovin' every minute of it! YAAAY!

Urg: You are being very belligerent. Ms. Hawww is showing wonderful restraint.

Voice: Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs

Urg: Ms. Hawww. Control yourself. I just want Mr. Weasley to allow you to speak.

Ron: So? She could've done. I wasn't stopping ....

Voice: Uhhh, sir? You have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe ....

Ron: See! There's no point talking to the likes of her. I'm out of here.

Urg: Mr. Weasley! Wait.

Voice: (Wipes a tear of laughter from eye) Sorry 'bout that.

Urg: It's not your fault. Mr. Weasley was being himself. You, however, have been quite charming.

Voice: Ba da Bing!

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PyroGrl - May 29, 2004 9:33 pm (#114 of 179)
Edited by May 29, 2004 2:57 pm

Pyro: Hey all, this is Pyro coming to you live from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, shortened down to WWW as it's a rather complicated tongue twister...anyway. With us are Gred and Forge -- sorry -- Fred and George Weasley, the founders and current managers. Welcome to the show, boys!

Fred and George: *grumble*

Pyro: Oh dear...what's wrong?

George: *points to Fred* I can't believe you totalled a Hippogriff.

Fred: Driving is hard, OK? Besides, that house came out of nowhere.

George: It wasn't a house, you idiot, it was Gringotts! You not only totalled a Hippogriff but you broke Gringotts!

Fred: It was in my blindspot!

George: Right in front of you? You should have listened to me! I told you to let me drive!

Fred: I'm older!

George: By two minutes! You are no longer my brother. From now on...she's my twin sister!

Pyro: Oh my! *is pulled into hug* I'm younger than you are, though! I can't be your twin! I'm Ginny's age. Besides, I don't want any brothers.

George: She's sick of you too! *glares at Fred* You'll never change.

Fred: Hey, wait a second --

Pyro: Yeah...aren't I supposed to be interviewing you?

George: Hush, twin sister, this is between me and my former brother who is now only a co-owner and co-founder of WWW.

Fred: Hey, who's the one who helped you develop all the sweets?

George: ...you did.

Fred: Who got you out of all those tight spots where you normally break down?

George: ...you did.

Fred: And you know why? Because you're my twin brother and I l-l-love...you.

Pyro: Aw, brotherly love...how sweet.

George: Sorry, I don't think I heard that.

Fred: Because I love...you.

George: I loved you too.

Pyro: *hands George a hanky*

Fred: I can change.

George: No you can't.

Fred: I can chaaaaange! *swallows a candy and sprouts an elephant truck and ears*

George: *laughs* I wish you wouldn't do that! That always cracks me up. I wonder how that would look on me. *looks in mirror* No, I can't picture it.

Fred: Do you forgive me?

George: I guess. Brothers?

Fred: Brothers!!

Pyro: Awww...well...unfortunately our time is up. Join me next time when I head to the Ravenclaw common room to interview Looney -- whoops, Luna -- Lovegood!

George: Hey Fred, did you really mean what you said just there?

Fred: Yeah, but it was a heat of the moment thing. Right now I hate your guts.

George: Ok.

Pyro: Er...right. Over and out.

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Ticker - Jun 2, 2004 4:19 pm (#115 of 179)

Testing. Testing. Oh! Uh, yes, well,... I’m coming to you live from the exciting scene,... er the formerly exciting scene of..., OK darn it... nothing’s happened here.

No, no, no... don’t unplug my microph.....

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Urg the Unclean - Jun 5, 2004 2:08 am (#116 of 179)

Boss

I'm glad you're back at the station, healed and raring to go. I've been sending in interviews you wanted done; most of the list pinned on the back of the studio door, in fact. There is one that baffles me: "Ugh's mother". I hope you don't mean my mother because that would be too difficult. She still has eighteen months to serve.

Urg

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Sabotage - Jun 29, 2004 9:04 pm (#117 of 179)
Edited by Jun 29, 2004 2:07 pm

Sabotage: Well here we are guys and gals. I’m onnnnn location here at Hogwarts, with Marietta Edgecombe! *Marietta tries to get away but is pulled closer to Sabotage* Now, now dear we can’t have you sneaking away can we?

Marietta: *Pulls robes over nose* Waaaaahhhhhhh!

Sabotage: Shut your pie hole, we’re trying to have a civilized conversation here.

Marietta: Don’t talk about my… incident then.

Sabotage: What? How you told Umbridge that Harry Potter was forming a secret defense club?

Marietta: Yeah… wahhhhhhhhhh!!

Sabotage: OK then… so… what’s it like being in love with Draco Malfoy?

Marietta: I’m not in love with Draco Malfoy!

Sabotage: You’re in denial my dear. So is he a good kisser?

Marietta: Well ye-I’m not going out with him!

Sabotage: I never said you were.

Marietta: Oh… well I’m not.

Sabotage: *Grabs someone from the side and drags in to the conversation* Draco Malfoy! You can help this poor girl figure out her feelings!

Draco: Well... er… What do you mean?

Sabotage: She loves you but she says she doesn’t!

Draco: I’m not in love with her if that helps.

Marietta: You told me you were! *To self* Or was that a dream?

Sabotage: A dream! So we can’t tell real life from a dream Marietta?

Draco: It was a dream trust me. I’m in love with someone else.

Marietta: *accusingly* Who? I thought you loved me!

Draco: Nope, sorry. If you really want to know…

Sabotage: Yes, yes! Come on boy spill it!

Draco: Well… don’t laugh… Ginny Weas-

Ron: *suddenly appears, Harry and Hermione with him, holding him back* --CENSORED— YOU DIRTY –CENSORED—I’M GONNA --CENSORED— AND –CENSORED.

Security: *drags Ron away, Harry and Hermione reluctantly following*

Marietta: *begins crying uncontrollably*

Sabotage: Well… Wasn’t this fun folks? I’m sure that everybody has had a good shout, but I’m sorry, my time is up! Tune in next time for an explosive interview with the Hoodle’s of Hampster!

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Urg the Unclean - Jul 1, 2004 3:09 am (#118 of 179)

This is Urg the Unclean reporting on a civil suit taken against the Ministry of Magic by Chip O'Way, the famous Irish sculptor.

Urg: Mr.O'Way. Could you explain your suit against the Ministry of Magic?

Chip: T'ey smashed me witch and wizard!

Urg: Smashed your what?

Chip: Me witch and wizard dat we 'ad by t'e big pool t'ere.

Urg: These are sculptures we're talking about now?

Chip: Well, of course sculptures. T'at's what I do. And t'ese were bloody fine sculptures I'm referring to. T'ey was wort' a lot of money t'ey was.

Urg: And why did they smash them? (pause) If they was worth a lot of money? (pause) Mr. O'Way?

Chip: Now I can't believe me ears? Why would t'ey smash a valuable witch and wizard sculpture you're asking me? Sculptures t'ey didn't even own boy?

Urg: Well why did they?

Chip: 'Cos t'ey was bleeding mad t'ey was. Mister Unclean! Now listen to me now. T'ese were masterpieces we're talking about. No one who's perfectly sane would smash a masterpiece now would t'ey?

Urg: These were certified masterpieces?

Chip: Now why would you be asking me t'at? I tell yer t'ey was dynamite, boy. Dynamite. T'ey 'ad t'e place of 'onor right in t'e entrance place where everyone who came to t'e ministry could see t'em. I was to have been paid ... are you lis'ning now? Four hundred t'ousand galleons for t'e witch and t'e wizard and an elf and a centaur. The centaur alone ... I had to paint ... are you with me now? I had to paint the night sky on t'e ceiling of me studio, took me two days just for t'at, to get him to stand still so's I could copy him properly. T'e elf was easy. I'm not worrit about the elf. And the wizard and the witch now. T'ey was the hardest of all. Took me a year and a half to get 'em just right.

Urg: So they were really good then?

Chip: T'ey was perfection Mr. Unclean. T'at Mr. Fudge wanted perfection and I got him perfection. I found t'e perfect young wizard and t'e most beautiful young witch which is why it took so long to finish.

Urg: They were hard to find?

Chip: Oh! No. t'at was easy enough. Getting t'em to stay still was impossible. Well, her I should say. Wouldn't leave him alone she wouldn't. Every time I lifted me chisel she was off her stand and pawing at him. I got t'e look on her face to a tee I did but t'e rest of her was exceed-ing-ly hard. As I say it took eighteen mont. And now t'ey're all smashed to bits. And Fudge denying responsibility and doesn't want to pay. So I wants me four hundred t'ousand and as much again for mental anguish.

Urg: Tell me. Why wouldn't the ministry pay if they commisioned these sculptures.

Chip: Ah! Now yous coming to the point boy. Here's t'e legal ramifications. T'em sculptures now: t'e witch an' t'e wizard and t'e ot'er two, t'ey was to be on display for a year an' t'en I was to be paid. One holt year which comes due August first now. Now Fudge an' t'all t'e wise boys he got behind him, he says t'ey was only on display ten mont'. So t'ey don't have to pay me.

Urg: And what will you do if they don't pay you? What happens if you lose this civil law suit?

Chip: I'll take me dummy back.

Urg: Your dummy?

Chip: At t'e entrance to t'e hospital. T'at's my dummy as lets 'em all in. You start getting lineups outside St. Mungos, no one able to get in an t'ere be some trouble t'en. Ol' Fudge'll wish he'd a paid me triple he will.

Urg: Mr. O'Way. You'd prevent sick or dying people from getting into the hospital over a sum of money?

Chip: Now boy. You may know lots about radio and interviews but I'll tell you this. You don't know nothing about art.

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Urg the Unclean - Jul 4, 2004 9:06 pm (#119 of 179)

This is Urg the Unclean in the concourse of King's Cross station looking for a 'great fun' contact proposed by Ms. Ginny Weasley. The individual I'll be seeing is making a first time trip to Hogwarts for a job interview. I am now looking for a young man who should be wreathed in a pall of smoke. I believe I see him now.

Urg: Good morning. I'm Urg the Unclean from WWN. I'm looking for Marley Bo.

Voice: Cool, man.

Urg: Are you Marley Bo?

MB: Well, yeah. OK.

Urg: I'll just sit on this bench beside you.

MB: Whatever, man.

Urg: I understand you're on your way to Hogwarts.

MB: Yeah. I think so. The school, right?

Urg: The greatest school of witchcraft and wizardry.

MB: (giggles) Yeah. whatever, man.

Urg: And you're going for a job interview?

MB: I'm gonna teach the kids about magical plants.

Urg: Is Professor Sprout leaving?

MB: Who?

Urg: Professor Sprout.

MB: No idea what you're saying. This chick just told me to be here, catch the twelve o clock train.

Urg: Ms. Weasley?

MB: You got a lighter, man. I'm out here.

Urg: No. I don't have a lighter.

MB: Drag time.

Urg: Mr. Bo. I've been scanning the boards and I don't see a twelve o clock train.

MB: Check out platform nine and three quarters.

Urg: I don't see nine and three quarters.

MB: It'll be between nine and ten.

Urg: There's nothing there.

MB: Ah! There's gotta be, man. The chick really knew what she was saying. All about the greenhouses and the fertilizers. Everything we need right there ... and The Man would never find it.

Urg: There's nine. There's ten. There's nothing in the middle.

MB: Wow! I'm sure she said King's Cross. Wait a minute dude. It could have been Paddington. Yeah! No, I don't think so. No. We were talking about the magic in plants and I was saying ....

Urg: Yes? You were saying?

MB: This is a bummer, man. a real downer, you know what I mean? I could really teach people a lot of stuff. HEY!

Urg: What?

MB: There's my lighter. I had it in my hand all along. Just a minute. (Puff. Suck. Wheeze) 'ou wan' some o' this?

Urg: I could try (Puff. Suck. ...) Ah! Ah! (Coughs) (Coughs again)

MB: Good stuff huh?

Urg: I ... whoo ... oh! Wow. So ... ah ... the interview. What were we saying?

MB: Nine and three quarters.

Urg: The platform. Whooo. Yes, there it is. I see it. Let's go on board. I've never been on a train.

MB: Me neither. I was thrown off one once.

Urg: (Laughing) You've never been on a train but was thrown off one once. Ha ha ha! You know, I'm really interested in taking this course you're going to teach.

MB: It'll be magic, man.

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rettoP yrraH - Jul 5, 2004 6:00 am (#120 of 179)

Hello, This is Sam, I’m not sure what I am doing here but who really cares? Anyhow we have nothing here fo you today.

Hello nothing.

Nothing:

Sam: Ok that was a really corny joke, we have Dr. Adenoids von Shloof here as a guest. So Dr. Von Shloof what are you doing here?

DAvSh: Vell ve veel talk abvout vhat ever you vant.

Sam: Ok Dr. What do you think about dreams?

DAVSH: vell dy seem to me to tink to coming from da last ting I eat. For instant, least night time I eated a frogting. I dreamed all night about froggys.

Sam: Err right, Um very...

Dr.: Und! Ve allso tinks that snoring helps clear da mind. Eh...it vas deescoverd by Heinrich Eienstein. He died oofter his nighbor tossed a phone book at heem.

Sam: *groan* another normal guy....

Dr.: Did I just see herm-o-niny- pass by?

Sam: What?

Dr.: HERM-O-NINNY!

Sam: Your not a Doctor! You’re Victor Krum!

Krum: vhat? Did the accent fool you?

Sam: *groan* Ugh, go find out what this halfwit did with the Doctor....*sigh* This is Sam Svining Arrrg! SIGNING! off of another really witty broadcast...*sigh* good whatever

Krum: HER-MON-NINNNNNNNYYYY!

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Urg the Unclean - Jul 5, 2004 11:56 pm (#121 of 179)
Edited by Jul 5, 2004 4:57 pm

Urg: Dr. Shloof. Dr. Shloof. Where are you? This is Urg the Unclean from WW....

Sam: He's a doctor you fool. He'll never come if you say you're unclean. Anyway, I already looked out the window.

Urg: Dr. Shloof. This is Urg the Immaculate from the .... BOSS! Check this out. There's a great crowd gathered in a ... in a ... crowd outside. Something's happening down there.

Sam: We're in the basement studio Ugh. what are you talking about?

Urg: Sorry Boss. I see this big ants' nest. No Dr. Von Shloof there. Mmmmm! OK I'll go and look upstairs. (door creaks)

Sam: Well, he could have closed the window. The place will be full of ants. Oh! No. I should have guessed. He's eaten every last one. Wait. He's missed one. RUN LITTLE ANT. HE"LL BE BACK SOON.

(ring)

This is Sam. How can I help .... Oh! It's you Ugh. You what? He did? You found him in the ...? Trussed up? KRUM! I'LL KILL YOU. Ugh. I have to apologize to the doctor. Put him on the phone. Why can't you? WELL TAKE THE GAG OUT OF HIS MOUTH YOU FOOL. Don't apologize just do it. (pause) Dr. Von Shloss? This is Sam and I really ... yes I know he's an idiot. Look, it was Viktor Krum, the famous quidditch player and he was trying to sneak ... Who? You're talking about ...? Put Mr Unclean back on the line please. (pause) UGH! You idiot! Untie the doctors hands. AND COME BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT AWAY. (mutters) Good help is so hard to find. Why did we ever put the species equality clause in the charter? Unless we come up with a better goblin we'll be stuck with him for ever.

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Ticker - Jul 12, 2004 5:13 pm (#122 of 179)

(click, click... screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk-kkk-kkk-fzzzt)

Ticker: OK, I think this thing is on. I can edit all this extra out, right?

(mmmff, mffffmmmf.)

Ticker: Well, I hope so. I technically don’t have access to this stuff... (Whadda ya mean, you can see that?) Are you gonna give me this interview or not? Alright, just sit over there then. Here we go...

This is Ticker, reporting from an undisclosed location to bring you the much awaited interview of uh, (quick, what’s your name?... uh, yeah.) I’m interviewing Bob. So Bob, is that your real name?

(crackle,... dead air,...................................................... WOP!) Bob, I’m afraid you’re going to have to move closer. The microphone cord doesn’t reach that far. Thanks.

So, Bob, is Bob your real name?

Bob: Yeah.

Ticker: Right. OK, Bob, what is it that you do here at our secret location?

Bob: I didn’t think studio was...

Ticker: Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! For heavens sake Bob! Are you trying to get me fired?

Bob: Oh, I didn’t know you worked here.

Ticker: Of course I do.

Bob: Then why did you ask me to sneak you in?

Ticker: Look, I’m doing this interview, and besides I already explained it to you. What is it that you do here, Bob?

Bob: Uh,... I walk around a lot.

Ticker: And why is that, Bob?

Bob: Well, that way, I can get to where I’m going.

Ticker: (Grrrrr...) Bob. What is your purpose here?

Bob: To get paid?

Ticker: (This is not getting anywhere...) Bob, you’re the night watchman aren’t you?

Bob: Well, yeah. I thought you already knew that.

Ticker: I did, but this is for the radio audience who hasn’t had the good fortune to have my incredible insights. Bob, I’m going to get to the point.

Bob: About time.

Ticker: I’ve heard that security around the broadcasting studios has been increased because of some direct threats. What can you tell us about that?

Bob: Oh. That. Well, the Boss did have some strong words to say to me after I let the goblin in the other night...

Ticker: Is it true that You-Know-Who is sending out secret attack teams to take over the media?

Bob: What?

Ticker: And would you say your life is imperilled on a nightly basis?

Bob: Huh?

Ticker: How many attacks have you survived so far, Bob?

Bob: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Ticker: Is that the reason for the anonymity, uh, Bob?

Bob: Why do keep saying my name that way?

Ticker: Your secret’s safe with me, Bob. Do you think this is the start of You-Know-Who’s campaign to take over the wizarding world?

Bob: Look, I don’t know about any of that, but I’m beginning to think that letting you in here was a bad idea.

Ticker: Ahhhhhh, that’s right. You probably can’t trust anyone after what they did to you last time.

Bob: You know, I think you’re right. I’ll just be turning over this tape to the Boss as soon as I lock you in the broom closet.

Ticker: No! Bob, no! I’ve got to edit that tape before it’s turned in! Let me go! Just, .......yahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

(Whump,.......... click, click.)

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Ticker - Jul 12, 2004 5:27 pm (#123 of 179)

(tap,tap,tap...)

Boss, I can explain this, just let me out , OK?

(tap, tap....)

Boss?

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rettoP yrraH - Jul 14, 2004 5:37 am (#124 of 179)
Edited by Jul 13, 2004 10:43 pm

Hello again! Welcome to something or another I just can't remember the name! so fasten you seatbelts put on a fake smile and moronic voice because here we go!

To your left is the Leaky Caldron. Got its name from an elderly patron who....Right! and straight ahead is a car. Yes Laddies and Things a car! who'da thunk?

Directly under us is a former employee of this tour...hitting pedestrians wreaks havoc with the steering column.

Moving right along...remember this bus had wheelchair access...just the chairs ride on top...Bathroom is in the back...out the windows....

Oh look! its a mugging! wow...dont see these alot anymore...lets watch.............................................................................................. .............................. ............................... ............................... ................................. ................................... .................................... .................................... ...................................................................................

Ok! and to our right is a brick wall...est. in 1957 was owned by the Oliver Bank Co. untill '63 when The Beatles claimed it, after the split up in 1970 Himelech and Menuver bought it. They had to cough it up to the 8th Bank of Southfortton in the great depression of '81 they kept a hold on it till 1997 when Microsoft and Evil inc. bought it to hold onto the rights. A legal battle is in place now over wether it should be a Historical monument because Jimmy Hendrix sneezed on it. As for now its still a brick wall.

And whadda you know! We just hit the wall! That should make for an interesting turn in the case mainly because the wall ain’t there no more.

Continuing down the road is a Starbucks followed by a McDonald’s with a Burger King next door. Seem’s that wizards have to eat too!

Speaking of eating, don’t eat the dinners we served. Chef left them out last night, my pet rat is on a respirator now because he ate it. Barfbags are under the seat, you miss the bag you clean up your mess.

Next stop is the hospital I guess...the seats are comfy enough.

Well! *cheesy voice still* Thank you for riding Something tours! Hope you had fun! We’ll send you a get well card!

Don’t forget! Money is green so are the Dinners!......’cept money don’t have fuzz...loosers give us money to get.......still rolling? oops...*click*


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Urg the Unclean - Jul 15, 2004 4:05 am (#125 of 179)

Boss, can I come out from under the bus yet? I've got strut marks on both hands and my rump is getting pretty bruised.

I managed to save you a bit of the wall but I don't know if it was the bit Jimi spit on. Hope so.

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Urg the Unclean - Jul 18, 2004 2:53 am (#126 of 179)
Edited by Jul 18, 2004 3:25 am

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean continuing in our series of educational happenings "Hogwarts and Beyond." I have with me Mrs. Grubbly-Plank who is an occasional teacher at Hogwarts. Good afternoon Mrs. Grubbly-Plank.

GP: (heartily) Good afternoon.

Urg: In our warm up before the interview you told me you'd prefer not to be called professor out of school.

GP: Quite correct. I substitute occasionally but see no reason to be called professor when I'm not professing.

Urg: What do you do when you're not professing?

GP: Oh! Give interviews, you know. Take care of my bees. Deal with centaurs. Play the trumpet.

Urg: That's a coincidence.

GP: Why, do you play the trumpet?

Urg: No. I have an interest in centaurs.

GP: What kind of interest?

Urg: Well, personal. I just have ... er . . . an appetite for interesting creatures.

GP: Oh! Centaurs are fascinating all right. Very deep are centaurs. Quick to learn and all that. Would you say you understand them?

Urg: I ... er, well I've not had that much opportunity to really sink my teeth into ... um ....

GP: Know what you mean. They never explain anything and it's no good asking them. You have to be very patient with centaurs. And subtle.

Urg: Exactly. I ....

GP: A watched pot never boils.

Urg: Ah! But once it's boiled ....

GP: Total satisfaction. I know. If you just grasp a morsel of what they ....

Urg: You'll be digesting it for days.

GP: Exactly. I'm still mulling over stuff from two years ago.

Urg: Did you say you have some centaurs here on the property? The very thought is getting me quite ....

GP: Oh! No. They come by two or three times a week for lessons.

Urg: You mean you teach them things?

GP: Unarmed combat. Archery. Using a lassoo. They've learned all the defensive stuff already. Quite motivated. Now they are six weeks into attack stuff. Very impressive.

Urg: I ... er. Did they say what was motivating them?

GP: Oh! Some scoundrel, you know. Giving them a hard time. Their motto is 'if something gets underfoot, trample it'. I must say I heartily agree.

Urg: Did they say who ... er ... this a ....

GP: No! Told them not to. Don't want to put my foot in it if some dead bodies turn up and magical law enforcement starts asking questions.

Urg: The attack stuff ... is, er ... what kinds of things ....

GP: They've got the lying in wait stuff down. Pretty much all the ambush techniques. This afternoon we start body disposal.

Urg: They're coming this afternoon?

GP: Quite soon. Thought they'd have been here by now.

Urg: My! Look at the time. And I wanted to talk to you about ... er the trumpet. But I must rush off.

GP: Oh! Hang in. There'll be a dozen or so. You can interview them all. Lunai Koru might even be with them. Quite a scoop for WWN I should think.

Urg: Can't stop. There's a couple of gargoyles outside the staff room at Hogwarts I must interview. They leave tonight for an extended holiday. Gotta go.

GP: Come again, Mister Unclean. I'll treat you to 'The Flight of the Bumblebee" on the trumpet while you watch the real thing. We'll have bread and fresh honey.

Urg: Well, honey's not my .... Gotta go. (click)

Urg, I don't think those gargoyles where what you thought they were. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me at pinkylexiconfan@yahoo.com ~Pinky

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Urg the Unclean - Jul 30, 2004 3:08 am (#127 of 179)

An oldy goldy by special request. well, many requests over many months.

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rettoP yrraH - Dec 5, 2002 8:20 am (#19 of 148)

Well I’m back with the newest STUFFED program! Today we are interviewing…you guessed it THE ONE AND ONLY !ERROL!

Sam: GOOD MORNING ERROL (he can’t hear to well)

Err: Who?

Sam: ERROL (I will now not use caps..much)

Err: Twho?

Sam: To you! **mumbles** what did I get my self into

Sam: so Errol or can I call you Err, what is you’re job?

Err: Who? (translation: I work for the owl post, Weasley division.)

Sam: aha very interesting… So how long have you had this job?

Err: ?ohW (as long as I can remember and being a bird that’s about a day or two)

Sam: really now?

Err: *Sqwack!*  (Well Arthur got me from an old muggel when he went to Hoggy. I was but a wee hatchling then)

Sam: our listeners asked us if you ever noticed scabbers A.K.A. Peter Petegrew do any thing…say..strange?

Err: Who? sqwak caww twho? **rolls eyes** (maybe…)

Sam: Come on out with it!

Err: *Sqwwwak*  (Well now that you mention it… When Scabbers came to this household I was a bit old as it was. As you know I spend the majority of my time sleeping. Late one night I awoke to find scabbers (if you can believe this) reading the paper and munching on Berrni bott’s beans!)

Sam Aha! Why didn’t you tell any one?

Err: **rolls eyes up words** (Because I’m a bird you *&!#!#* DELETED DELETED DELETED DELETED )

Sam: Well…… that about wraps up this interview This is STUFFED Sam haaaaaaaave aaaa goood one!

Errol: *Squaawwwkkk**  (What!  HEY! You can't cut me off like that! Gimme the *yawn* Micro....zzzZZZzz)

Sam: Errol? ERROL? oh well

(Errol will be on again, don't worry)

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Urg the Unclean - Aug 19, 2004 1:14 am (#128 of 179)
Edited by Aug 18, 2004 6:24 pm

To celebrate the Olympics ...

This is Urg the Unclean today talking with Jeannette Heathertoes who has been declared the Apparation Gold Medalist in the recent European competitions.

Urg: Hello Ms. Heathertoes. Where's she gone? Ah! There you are. Now ... now what? Ms. Heathertoes would you please stand still?

JH: Can't. You've come during my training session.

Urg: Well it's ... Damn! Look I'm getting dizzy.

JH: Well, you came at an inconvenient time.

Urg: But I'm here (spins around) I'm here representing thousands of ... there you are ... thousands of your fans.

JH: Well OK. You have two minutes. There's another meet next Sunday and I have to practise.

Urg: Thank you. (puffs) Could you tell us how long you've been apparating?(pants)

JH: Since I was eight. Youngest person to pass the apparation test.

Urg: Was it hard being so young?(puffs again)

JH: No it was great fun. Great ending too. Really had them going when they were to present my diploma.

Urg: Why what happened?

JH: Made them chase me all over the building. Was in every office at least twice. Shocked the daylights out of them all. Gave a big, loud "Hi there!" and apparated somewhere else. They had some of their best apparators after me, passing each other down corridors, in closets, on the minister's desk. It was great fun.

Urg: Didn't you get into trouble?

JH: Course not. Who's going to embarrass themselves with an eight year old kid?

Urg: I see. Now you are noted for your speed. Could you give us a quick demonstration. It should make your fans on WWN very happy getting an exclusive ....

JH: On the radio? What good is that?

Urg: Er! Well, yes ... I was planning to ... er ... describe ....

JH: OK! Describe this.

Urg: Yes. Well listeners, Ms. Heathertoes is walking across the room ....

JH: I'm not walking. I'm apparating.

Urg: But you're walking and swinging your arms.

JH: I'm apparating thirty times a second. I learned that from the muggle film animation people. It just looks like I'm walking.

Urg: I ... but .... Well listeners. We have just witnessed some incredible speed apparation here. That would be thirty times sixty ... er ... eighteen hundred ... erm ....

JH: One hundred and eight thousand an hour. I once did eleven hours straight.

Urg: That's incredible. Tell me, which is your most favored medal?

JH: The one I didn't get.

Urg: Sorry, I ....

JH: Long distance. Other contestants were off to America, China, places like that. I went entirely around the world and came back to the same spot where I started. No one believed me. Said they hadn't seen me move. Shouldn't have tried to be too clever I suppose and combine it with a bit of speed. Should have coasted so they saw me disappear before I got back.

Urg: Well. This leaves me all rather breathless. It's been a wonderful interview. Thanks for standing still while we talked.

JH: Oh! I haven't been standing still. Have been doing a bit of speed practise between every word. When you take your jerkin off you'll see "Heathertoes was here" written on the back. Well, time for some distance training Mr. Unclean. Bye for now. (crack)

Urg: Wow! That I believe was ... I'm not sure what I believe.

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Urg the Unclean - Aug 21, 2004 8:28 pm (#129 of 179)
Edited by Aug 21, 2004 1:31 pm

Good evening listeners. Tonight we are interviewing one of our own. I am at the home of Celestina Warbeck, the popular singing sorceress of Witching Hour who has just celebrated her fortieth anniversary with WWN. Good evening Celestina.

CW: Hello-o. I see you're in the know-o.

Urg: So you started at WWN in 1974?

CW: Your math is so poor-or. It was sixty four-or.

Urg: Yes, I'm sorry. Nineteen sixty four.

CW: 'S alright.

Urg: How did you begin your show? How did you become The Singing Sorceress?

CW: Well it really was my sister, you see. She had to speak limericks to me.

Urg: Limericks?

CW: She read a bewitched book and that was the curse that she took.

Urg: You have a cursed sister?

CW: It's what gives the power to The Witching Hour.

Urg: Oh! Of course, I ....

CW: OI! PRISCILLA! COME MEET URG. HE'S THIS FUNNY LITTLE GOBLIN HANGS 'ROUND THE STATION. Heeeeeere she comes now. Dooooon't make fun now.

Priscilla: There once was a funny small goblin ....

CW: Be nice to the man. He's one of my fans.

Urg: Well, yes. I always listen ....

Priscilla: Into our house he came hobbling ....

Urg: Hobbling's a bit strong. I've had this limp since someone shaved one of my ....

Priscilla: He stood all alone, with his big microphone ....

CW: PRISCILLA! I forbid you to say anymore.

Urg: Wha ...?

Priscilla: And the weight ....

CW: PRISCILLA STOP! Leave the room NOW. LEAVE NOW. (sound of steps and door closing) I'm so sorry my friend. She's a bit round the bend.

Urg: But ....

CW: Insulting you ... is a thing that she'd do. It had to be the curse ... that made her life worse.

Urg: What was she going to say?

CW: You don't want to know. It would be too much of a blow.

Urg: I DO WANT TO KNOW. I CAN'T STAND IT. (pause) Please don't stand there smiling. I want to know what rhymes with goblin.

CW: I'm the singing sorceress. I have you in a bind. I cannot answer what you ask. I can't read my sister's mind.

Urg: Then why did you stop her?

CW: For the mystery Mister Unclean. The mystery. please come outside for a moment. (door opens)

Urg: OK. Sure. It's a beautiful night.

CW: You were saying that you always listen to my shows?

Urg: Yes. Well, as often as I can. There are some ....

CW: Then you would know Mister Unclean that Witching Hour is a mystery show and we always end on a mystery.

Urg: But the singing? You do sing?

CW: I sing to make the guilty party confess, Mister Unclean. You should have known that. You haven't ever listened to witching hour have you?

Urg: Well ....

CW: Oh! Mr. Unclean, where have you been?

You haven't listened to my witching hour

You stand there and pout, you stand there and glower

I knew from the first that you were a liar

and ....

Urg: OK! OK! I haven't listened to witching hour. I know I should have before I came but I've been so busy I ....

(Door slams)

Urg: How embarrassing. Oh! Well, let's see. A-oblin, bobblin, cobblin, dobblin, e-ob ..., foblin ... Aaaagh! I CAN"T STAND IT.

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Sabotage - Sep 1, 2004 11:42 pm (#130 of 179)
Edited by Sep 1, 2004 4:43 pm

Where Chocolate frogs came from (interview with The Hoodle’s and random popping's in of Draco and Harry)

Sabotage: And here we are in Hampster to interview the Hoodle’s! Now we all remember the memorable trip we took to Hogwarts, hoggy, woggy, Hogwarts just to interview Miss Edgecombe! I promised that we’d interview the Hoodle’s and we are here! *To cameraman* was that good?

Cameraman: We are rolling m’am.

Sabotage: Oh! Oh my! Okay then… So here’s Miss Hoodle now! *Runs to Miss Hoodle* Now Miss Hoodle, or do you prefer Gretie?

Miss Hoodle: It’s Miss Hoodle to you.

Sabotage: Alrighty then Gretie, now being the daughter of world famous Gert Hoodle, do you get special privileges at Hogwarts?

Miss Hoodle: Look, all my Pop did was invent a resealing seal able sealer. It’s not like he created Chocolate Frogs.

Sabotage: Ahh! So being the daughter of Gert H. there *points to the girls father* makes you really popular then? Do you use the Chocolate frogs that he invented to get friends?

Miss Hoodle: What are you talking about? My Pop doesn’t make-I don’t need to bribe people into being my friends!

Sabotage: Are you sure?

Miss Hoodle: Of course! *Bites lip* Why I’m friends with Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy!

Harry and Draco: *both suddenly appear* Yeah she’s our friend. Can we have some Chocolate Frogs?

Miss Hoodle: My Dad doesn’t make them; he makes the resealing seal able sealer. It’s my brother who makes the Chocolate Frogs.

Bobby Hoodle: *appears with a crack* Gretie! You aren’t supposed to tell people!

Harry and Draco: Can we have some frogs then?

Sabotage: Shut your caves boys! Now what wasn’t she supposed to tell?

Bobby Hoodle: I guess I can tell you now. Well the original Wizard of Chocolate died a few years ago and he needed a new person to make chocolate and run the company so he held a contest with a lot of elaborate characters winning, including me. So then he had to test us so he took us on a tour of the factory and all the elaborate characters got eliminated in elaborate ways, and I actually stole some drink so I didn’t win until I showed him how wonderfully nice I was. Then he left me the factory and a castle made of chocolate. I ate the chocolate castle with my friends and then I took over the makings of the Wizards Chocolates.

Harry and Draco: Can we have some frogs then?

Sabotage: That is most interesting news! Does all the Hoodle family have such dark secrets, I ask you?

Bobby Hoodle: Well my Mum was the daughter of some distant relative to Albus Dumbledore. And my Aunt likes to charm toilets to sing when people use them.

Sabotage: Ahhh! I see, well my producer is motioning to me that he would like to chop off my head. Oh well, then I could join the headless hunt, always been a dream of mine. So I guess he’s saying that I’ve… *tries to read producers' lips* trespassed… on the… Hoodle’s… privacy. And I believe that is strictly not in the code so I must sign off my friends. My next interview may be with the headless huntsmen! Or there might not even be an interview… But tune in next time!

Harry and Draco: Can we have some frogs then?

All: NO!!!!

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PyroGrl - Sep 2, 2004 12:07 am (#131 of 179)

Pyro: Here we are at the entrance to the Ravenclaw tower, where I will be interviewing Luna Lovegood! Hello, who are you?

Cho: Cho Chang...are you here to interview me?

Pyro: Well actually...

Cho: Oh, finally, I get to tell MY version of what happened between me and Harry! Well, he asked me out and that was as far as it got. He kept on talking about his future date with Hermione Granger and couldn't see how hurt I was...he was so cruel and heartless, but after the interview I forgave him. Still, he was mean to me and couldn't understand m-my feelings...about Cedric and he was the one who SAW HIM DIE...

Pyro: Miss Chang, I can't really...

Cho: How DARE you call me "MISS CHANG"!! You're younger than I am!

Pyro: Well that's beside the...

Cho: You...you...you're another Harry Potter fan who doesn't care about his ex-girlfriends and how badly he treated them!

Pyro: Well, you're not the right girl for him. Honestly I think Luna is, and I'm going to interview her-

Cho: LOONY LOVEGOOD?! YOU THINK LOONY IS BETTER FOR HARRY THAN I AM? I AM CHO CHANG, RAVENCLAW SEEKER AND BOY ENTRANCER EXTRAORDINAIRE!

Pyro: Obviously not. However, if you changed your attitude, left half of your ego in the Ravenclaw tower and stopped all this constant crying you could be off to a good start. Now, tell me how to get into the tower to interview Luna!

Cho: You...You...NO!

Pyro: But Cho, I only have thirty more seconds on air! I can at least get a quick interview!

Cho: Maybe...no.

Pyro: PLEASE Cho?

Cho: Weelllllllllllllllllllllll...

Pyro: You...we're out of time folks! So sorry about the HORRIBLE, RUDE INTERRUPTION...Hey, give my microphone back! MISS CHANG! CHANG! GIVE IT BACK! No, don't do that! Don't you dare-

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PyroGrl - Sep 2, 2004 1:51 am (#132 of 179)

Umm Boss I know it'll cost a lost of Knuts but can I go back to Hogwarts and try that interview again?? This time I'll set up a better meeting area, I PROMISE.

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rettoP yrraH - Sep 2, 2004 6:00 am (#133 of 179)

Hey Ugh...did you leave the door unlocked again?

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Urg the Unclean - Sep 2, 2004 3:00 pm (#134 of 179)

They threatened me Boss. They kept on about their friend in the Goblin Liaison Office.

Oh! God. Oh! God. Why am I such a wimp?

Still, on careful reading I see there's some good stuff on the Hoodles for when we get back into the blackmail business.

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rettoP yrraH - Sep 6, 2004 4:53 am (#135 of 179)
Edited by Sep 5, 2004 9:54 pm

A wimp with bad breath... you melted my mic again fool...*sigh*

Well hello again Goblins and things... We were supposed to interview someone from the competition, but there contract got in the way...Hey Urg, get this hairy footed drunkard out of here!

...........go to standby......uhhhh........um......................

We have in the studio the one, the only Errol! *puts stuffed doll up to the mic*

Error: (falsetto) Hi ya kiddies!

Sam: (still in falsetto) Hi....oops...I mean (deep voice) Hi Errol, does that say Error over there?

Error...uh...L: Errr no not at all, I'm a reeeeaaaal boy,BIRd...

Sam: I feel stupid

Error: Why? you're my voice!

Sam: Uhhh.....No I'm not...*grumbles under breath* I can't believe I resorted to this.....

Error: Want to see me sing a song?

Sam: Ok I'm sick of this, UGH! DiNNER!

Urg: *cookie monster noises*

Sam: Well *ptoo* this wra*ptoo*s up this *ptoo* *hack* !@#$ Feathers! Program, hope you didn't die of boredom...

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Ticker - Sep 6, 2004 6:18 pm (#136 of 179)

Ticker: OK, I’m here on the Hogwarts school grounds, having followed up on a lead that a misplaced microphone could be found here. Sure enough, I was able to locate it by what the students call the “Love” tree right under a long string of initials all beginning with CC:

CC + GP

CC + FA

CC + JM

CC + CD

CC + HP (crossed out)

CC + HP (re-written)

One of the students suggested I could find out more about this tree if I waited here between 10:30 & 10:45 AM. I think that’s one of the class breaks.

... And here comes someone now. Hello, uh, ...

PS: Sprout. Professor Sprout.

Ticker: Yes, I’m wondering what you can tell me about this tree.

PS: This tree has absorbed more than it’s fair share of silly childish abuse, which is why...

Ticker: Abuse? This is more serious than I thought.

PS: Yes. Which is why the Headmaster has agreed to certain steps which would be taken against any further perpetrators found at the scene...

Ticker: Oh. I see. And have you been able to catch any of these perpetrators?

PS: Yes, I believe I have. Come with me & we’ll begin your detention immediately.

Ticker: What?!? But, I’m not even a student here!

PS: All the more reason to start right away.

Ticker: Wait a minute. You think I perpetrated abuse on this tree?

PS: Caught in the act & holding a... well, whatever that thing is, it’s done enough damage.

Ticker: This? But it’s just a microphone... Wait. You’ve got to believe me. I have a terrible allergy to Dragon dung... Oh hang it all. This is Ticker signing off from Hogwarts.

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Blast - Sep 14, 2004 4:08 am (#137 of 179)

Blast here with a special report, I have trained a parrot to spy.. er report back to me on any of the hot gossip going on at Hogwarts. Right now he's keeping watch in a tree to find out who's dating whom. He's supposed to report back to me tomorrow with the scoop.

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rettoP yrraH - Sep 14, 2004 4:49 am (#138 of 179)

WIRE REPORT FROM HOGWARTS! BREAKING NEWS! THE 'LOVE' TREE HAS BEEN MISPLACED!

“Witnesses describe a hairy fellow in a dress hanging around trying to blend in for the most part of the day. A student who did not disclose his name said he saw a 'Rather ugly bloke escaping on toothpicks'....”

*Slams paper down*

URG! you couldn't find a better disguise??? lemmie guess - - - it had red and white polkadots? Look! just do your job, ok?

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Blast - Sep 14, 2004 5:32 am (#139 of 179)

O.K. I'm back with the parrot, but it seems like he is reluctant to talk. Well since he can't talk I'll try to get him to write down everything he saw, this might take awhile, so we'll get back to his report a little later.

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Blast - Sep 14, 2004 10:11 am (#140 of 179)

Ah Blast back, and the parrot has seemed to have had his tongue magically removed, but he has written a ten parchment letter on what he heard and saw. Ah the only thing is that it is in runes. It has been a very long time since I have read any runes and it might take a bit to translate. We'll be back in a while.

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Elfcat - Sep 14, 2004 11:46 pm (#141 of 179)

This is your new repoter Elfcat, on the spot with Fleur Delacour in....umm...Where am I? Never mind. I am here to interview Miss Delacour about anything she may know pertaining to a certain Harry Potter. To make the interview go smoother, I have offered to conduct it in her native language. I will now equip my michrophone with an automatic translation spell.

Elfcat: Hello, Miss Delacour.

Fleur: Hello.

Elfcat:I love what you've done with your horses. Now, what can you tell us about Harry Potter?

Fleur: Horses? I have no Horses.

Elfcat: Yes you do, silly. On your head! This stuff! *tugs on own hair*

Fluer: That's hair you moron.

Elfcat:(confused by word she has never heard before) uhh...sure. So what about Harry?

Fleur: When he first entered the contest I thought he was just an impudent little moron who wanted to endear himself to his superiors and it made me so mad I just wanted to scream (talking very fast) but when I got to know him better he was just the victim of abominable circumstances and--

Elfcat: (panicing at inability to understand any of this) Whoa slow down! You have a duck in your elevator!

Fleur: WHAT?!?!?!?

Elfcat: No! Just give me the fish of my uncle, and everything will be all right!

Fleur: what are you talking about?

Elfcat: I have no idea!

Fleur: She's crazy! She doesn't even know what she's saying! Security! take this silly girl out of my sight!

Elfcat: no! You can't do this to me! I KNOW MY RIGHTS!!! I KNOW KARATE!!! Get off of me you stinking security troll!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!

*click* (static)

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Blast - Sep 15, 2004 2:48 am (#142 of 179)

Blast back, and we have translated the parrot’s message. It says that the horse man and the bugeyed women are meeting in secret all over Hogwarts, and never take a cracker from anybody with red hair. Polly wants his tongue back.

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Urg the Unclean - Sep 18, 2004 10:57 pm (#143 of 179)

FOR SALE:

one dress, large size, red and white polkadots, used once for special occasion. Consider swap for Lone Ranger outfit.

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Urg the Unclean - Sep 29, 2004 11:49 pm (#144 of 179)

Urg: This is Urg the Unclean at Gringott's Bank interviewing ...

Voices: "Hey! Urg. Why don't you get a proper job?" "LOOK EVERYBODY. SEE WHO'S HERE." "GRIPHOOK! IT'S YOUR OLD BUDDY URG, SLUMMING IT AGAIN."

Urg: Ms. Fleur DelaCour who ....

Voice: Urg. What you doing with the French doll?

Fleur: DOLL? 'Oo eez calling me a doll?

Urg: (aside) Hey! Guys. Please. I've got a job to do.

Fleur: Mon Dieu, I never ....

Griphook: Well, well, well. It is you. Keep the money covered lads. Urg has been known to ....

Urg: Griphook! Fancy meeting ....

Fleur: You know each uzzer? But Meestair Unclean, zis goblin is a scoundrel. I would never 'ave given my permission for zis interview if ....

Griphook: Don't get your knickers twisted, sweetheart. This is only Urg ....

Fleur: Meestair Unclean. Now 'E is talking of my most personal t'ings. Oh! 'Ow I wish Meestair William Weasley was 'ere. 'E would show ....

Urg: Now ....

Griphook: The job cleaning the empty vaults is still open if you want it.

Urg: I'm interviewing this French exchange ....

Voice: Hey! Urg. Who's Heathertoes? What's this you're advertizing on the back of your jacket?

Urg: PLEASE! Why don't you all go back to work?

Fleur: Meestair Unclean. If we don't start zee interview immediately I shall trounce off.

Griphook: She's good at that. Best little trouncer in the business.

Fleur: OH!

Urg: Ms. DelaCour. Perhaps we should move to ... WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR WAND OUT?

Fleur: I 'ave 'ad enough of zees goblins. Zey are no better zen zee grindelows. I will close zere mouses for good..

Griphook: RUN LADS!

Urg: BUT MS. DELACOUR. I'M A GOBLIN.

Fleur: SILENCIO GOBLINS. (pause) See Meestair Unclean. No more smart Alecky remarks from ze scoundrels. Now continue wiz ze interview. (pause) Meestair Unclean? Why is it you are acting ze goldfish? (pause) Do you plan to interview me Meestair Unclean or was zis an excuse to come gawking like all ze uzzer men I am meeting? (pause) OH! MEN! ZEY ARE ALL ALIKE. (sound of trouncing footsteps)

New Voice: I say. Can anyone take me to vault fourteen hundred and ninety one? Anyone? What are you all staring at? I say. You with the microphone. Yes, you, with tears running down your cheeks. (pause) It looks like I've come at a bad time. I'll come back later.

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Blast - Oct 3, 2004 3:22 pm (#145 of 179)
Edited by Oct 3, 2004 8:29 am

Blast here in Diagon Alley with a live remote.

We are here at the Magical Menagerie today talking to the Witch behind the counter.

Witch:  Hello there and are you looking for a pet?

Blast:  No I'm Blast from WWN.

Witch:  Well slap it on the counter then.

Blast:  I beg your pardon!

Witch:  Your animal then, slap it on the counter and I'll take a look at it.

Blast:  I'm not here with any animal, I'm here because you wanted to sell your overstock of toads.

Witch:  Oh their all gone, some nice man named Will came and bought them all.

Blast:  If your toads are all gone then what am I doing here then?

Witch:  I have no idea, can I interest you in a rat?

Blast:  Didn't you arrange to have WWN broadcast from here today?

Witch:  Guess that I did, but the toads are all gone so I don't really need you now do I. How about this nice rabbit, he's been here for ages.

Blast:  I don't want a rabbit.

Witch:  If your not here for a pet or advice then please stop wasting my time!

Blast:  Excuse me but you asked me to come here today, to promote your big toad liquidation sale!

Witch:  Do you see any toads here?

Blast:  No but the live remote...

Witch:  You think it's easy running this place? The noise is just horrendus! All the Goblins from Gringott's coming over here on their lunch break smacking their lips and wanting to know if they get a volume discount.

Blast:  I had no idea...'

Witch:  And that freak Kettleburn hanging around butting in and trying to tell my customers about Knarls and Unicorns, I should tell him to check out the back room and see how that one arm one legged know-it-all can handle my pet manticore,"

Blast:  Please I really had no idea...

Witch:  And that creepy Ollivander hanging around with those weird eyes, saying that he's been experimenting with new wand cores and if I go to his place that he'll show me his!

Blast:  Sorry I've seem to come at a bad time....

Witch:  My my your looking a bit peaky. I have this rat tonic that might do the trick.

Blast:  But I'm not a rat!

Witch:  That doesn't matter I take it all the time, and as you can see there's nothing wrong with me!

Blast:  Umm this is Blast signing off from the Magical Managerie, and now over to Glenda Chittock for the Witching Hour.

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Blast - Oct 8, 2004 2:30 am (#146 of 179)
Edited by Oct 7, 2004 7:35 pm

Blast here with another live remote. Today we are coming from the Keebler Cookie Factory. I am talking to the public relations Elf Whinny, Mr. Elf your cookies and other products seem to be a big hit in the wizarding and muggle world, can you let us in on the secret of your success?

Well we could, but we would have to kill you for it to remain a secret.

Blast,"Very funny Mr. Elf."

Mr. Elf:  No we would kill you; check out the mass grave behind the tree.

Blast; "You mean that you have had people killed before?"

Mr. Elf:  You bet, we have them six to a plot back there.

Blast; " Then why did you invite us to come here today?"

Mr. Elf:  Just to see you squirm a bit.

Blast; " You Elves seem more like Goblins."

Mr. Elf:  Well we are part Goblins part House Elf.

Blast; " Well that would explain a lot, can you tell me on the muggle product you are pictured as these sweet little creatures who live in a tree baking all day."

Mr. Elf:  That was the boss's idea, a stroke of marketing genius. If he pictured us as we are, no muggle would ever buy one.

Blast;" Well you do have a tree here, is this where the baking is done?"

Mr. Elf:  Not on your life, the tree is just a prop, all the baking is done at Hogwarts. Dreadful helpfull those house elves are; what can we do for you sir? get us a roasted ox if we asked.

Blast: " You mean all those cookies are baked at Hogwarts? What does Dumbledore have to say about it?"

Mr. Elf:  It was his idea, how do you think that the school's funded!

Blast;"Wow you learn something everyday. So are there any new products to expect soon?"

Mr. Elf:  Yes we are, we are bringing an idea from North America, flythrough coffee shops. There has been a bit of a setback however, we can't keep help.

Blast; " And why is that?"

Mr. Elf:  As you know, House Elves usually wear old bits of rags, so we had all these spiffy uniforms made for them. As soon as we give them the uniforms they screw off crying about being freed.

Blast;" I can see where that would be a bit of a snag."

Mr. Elf:  We have a pilot project with Trolls but the smell kind of turns customers off.

Blast;" Without saying it would probably curl the cream."

Mr. Elf:  We have another idea, Squibs, but we can't find enough of them, so we are looking at a few other options.

Blast; "Well our time is up, and now back to Glenda for the Witching Hour.....are we off the air... good!

Hey Jack did you here the scoop on Glenda Chitlock, she has a thing for Goblins. Poor Urg, she'll probably chat him up next, I hear that she has spent sometime in St. Mungo's for a little fixing up. She really is part hag and needs a tuneup about once a year to keep up appearances. Remember last year at the Christmas party, she wolfed back the whole platter of chopped liver...What??? . . .we're still on the  . . . oh oh.....

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Sabotage - Oct 11, 2004 11:02 pm (#147 of 179)
Edited by Oct 11, 2004 4:04 pm

Sabotage: *yelling* Ok, I promised my adoring fans out there that I’d get them another interview! I can’t back out now!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: You have too, Sabby. We fired you weeks ago! And after the Hoodle incident there’s no way I’m letting you on the air!

Sabotage: *smiles knowingly and crosses arms* Oh yeah? Welll… *whips microphone out of pocket* Here we are in my producers office every one! I’d like you all to meet my, slightly caught off guard, producer!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *under breath* You can’t do this to me; I’m in charge here! I’ll call security!

Sabotage: Security you say? I’ll have to let you know that they are behind me about… three hundred and seventy billion percent. Go ahead and call them though.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *pulls out a walkie-talkie* Security! My office! NOW!

Sabotage: *looks at watch* And … one … two … three …

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *hesitantly* Are we really on air?

Sabotage: Wow, a whole two minutes before you asked that one! And yes, we are.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: CENSORED— YOU –CENSORED—I’M GONNA --CENSORED— AND –CENSORED. *pauses* There is a delay right?

Sabotage: Uh, nope.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: CENSORED.

Serena and Venus Williams: *crash into the room holding their rackets* Is this the way to the tennis court?

Sabotage: *jump up and down then rushes over* No! Hello! Hello! *shoves microphone under their noses* Don’t you think my producer is a dodo head?

Serena and Venus Williams: Ermmm… Yes?

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Hey! I’m revoking your right to use the tennis courts!

Serena and Venus Williams: You can’t do that!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Yes I can.

Serena Williams: No you can’t!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Yes!

Venus Williams: No!

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: Yes!

Sabotage: Sorry sir, but you can’t. You aren’t the boss of this division any more.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *screams* What?!

Sabotage: *giggles* Just kidding.

Security: *crashes door open* Letter for you boss.

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: What now? *takes the letter from a security man then waves him away*

Security: *stay where they are*

Nameless Producer of Sabotage Hour’s voice: *rolls eyes and opens letter* … *pales*

Sabotage: *snatches letter from producer* Dear Melvin… hey! I didn’t know your name was Melvin.

Melvin: *sighs*

Sabotage: Ok… ‘Dear Melvin, We the board of righteous people hereby make you a janitor…’

All (except Melvin): *collective gasp*

Sabotage: *murmurs* Darn! He got the job I wanted! Any way… ‘but because you are so very bad at cleaning we have to send you to cleaning collage. This banana peel your portkey. *banana peel appears on the floor with a sparkly arrow pointing at it* All you have to do is slip on it and you’ll appear at the collage. Sabotage is to become the new producer of… err… her own show. Serina and Venus Williams have full access to the tennis courts now too. Bye dudes! Signed, The Righteous Board and Barney.’

Serena and Venus Williams: *throw up their rackets, which land on Melvin’s head*

All (except Melvin): Yes!

Serena and Venus Williams: *grab rackets from Melvin* Which way to the tennis courts?

Security: We’ll show you! *leave with Serena and Venus*

Melvin: *sighs and slips on the peel* *disappears*

Sabotage: Wow! Me, producer! Can you believe it folks? Well, I am assigning myself the interview with the headless huntsmen! Now I must go rewrite the code so tune in next time!

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Blast - Oct 19, 2004 11:21 pm (#148 of 179)

This is Blast reporting from Diagon Alley on the preparations for this year's Halloween festivities, ah there's Mr. Ollivander. Mr. Ollivander, Blast from W.W.N., could we have a quick word?

Mr. Ollivander: " Mr. Blast I remember every wand that I've ever sold, but I don't remember selling you one. But I suppose whatever wand you had was snapped in half after the Binns' incident?

Blast; "No they didn't, he got up to teach the next day so they figured that no harm was really done."

Mr. O. " But they did expell you if I remember."

Blast; " No I was an exchange student at Hogwarts, they just re-exchanged me. I have a pretty neat wand Mr. Ollivander, do you want to see it?"

Mr. O.;"I would be delighted Mr. Blast, oh my goodness I have heard of these, but I didn't think that they really existed!"

Blast;" Yup they do, thirteen inches long, Victoriaville with the tonail of a Sasquach, made by the McKenzie Brothers. A real beauty."

Mr.O; "You mean your wand is made from a broken hockey stick?"

Blast;" Not just any broken hockey stick, this is part of the stick that Rocket Richard broke over the head of the referee that lead to the Montreal riots. It really is magical!"

Mr. O.; " Ah how time flies, there is a particular sweaty unicorn waiting for me, I must take my leave of you.  Good day Mr. Blast."

Blast; " Thanks Mr. Ollivander, well this is Blast signing off from Diagon Alley, now over to my ex-wife Glenda for the Witching Hour."

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Istari Jones - Oct 21, 2004 1:32 am (#149 of 179)
Edited by Oct 20, 2004 6:35 pm

Istari Jones: Well folks, here we are again with another award winning interview with an inanimate object. I’m here in Bethnal Green talking to a regurgitating toilet. Hello, Mr. Toilet, how are you today?

Toilet: (Silence except for the sounds of water trickling into the tank)

Istari: Wonderful! Now, tell me, Mr. Toilet, just how did this happen? Clogging from paper towels? Full septic tank?

Toilet: (Water continues to fill the tank)

Istari: (Jiggles handle on the tank) Here, let me help. If you keep trying to fill up like that you’ll run your water bill sky high! (Jiggles handle again) So tell me, are you the more modern model with a water conservation design, or you an older model the flushes much, much better than your contemporary counterparts?

Toilet: (Ominous gurgling sounds begin to emanate from the bowels of the porcelain bowl)

Istari: Excuse me? (Jiggles handle harder) There, I think that’s about got it….

Toilet: (Large bubbles of noxious sewer gas begin bubbling out from the depths of the U bend)

Istari: (muttering under her breath) Stupid toilet… just like the one at home….always gotta fiddle with it…wish I had a plunger…(Takes lid off the tank and peers into the cold, wet workings of the tank) Nothing seems to be wrong with anything in here…

(Sounds if footsteps are heard thumping down the hall. Suddenly a loud heavy knocking on the door is heard on the door of the bathroom.) Any one in there? (Door creaks open) Oops! Sorry, Ma’am!

Istari: No, please! Come on in! The water keeps running into the tank. Nothing looks wrong in there, Mr… uhhh, Mr…?

Loos: Loos, Ma’am, Mr. Loos of Plunkett, Leakey, and Loos Plumbers, Inc. (Attempts to hitch up hip-hugger pants over pendulous overhang of his abdomen) Let’s have a look-see. Here, li’l lady…I don’t expect you to understand the workings of such a complicated piece of equipment like the SuperFlush 5000…

Istari: (Annoyed by patronizing behavior of the plumber) The name’s Istari. Istari Jones. I’m here to do an interview about a regurgitating toilet. Perhaps you can tell me, Mr. Loos, have you heard mention of anything like that in the area?

Loos: Awww, Li’l lady, I can tell you I’ve never seen the like of it! We’ve had calls all over the countryside. People flush the handle and stuff spews all over the place! We’re not talking about your basic run-of-the-mill over flow, no siree! Stuff vomits all over the place! You wouldn’t believe what spews up! Well, we’ve seen…

Istari: Uhhh, just what do you think is causing it?

Loos: (Squats down to peer into the depths of the toilet revealing a vast expanse of backside) Not a clue! (Takes on a falsely intellectual air) If you look at the pure physics of hydraulic pressure when it encounters the resistance of a plugged drain…

(Sounds of a loud crack and of more footsteps are heard coming down the hall. Arthur Weasley pokes his head in around the door.) My word! A Pumble!

Istari: Oh, hello Arthur! Funny seeing you here… but then, that would explain a few things. (Lowers voice to Arthur) So it’s a hex? Or a spell? Any idea who’s doing it, Arthur?

Arthur Weasley: Imagine! Pumbles! Here in Bethnal Green! (Excitedly looks around for plugs in the bathroom) I wonder… Say, uhh, excuse me, but you wouldn’t be planning on using ecletricity, would you?

Mr. Loos: Huh?

Istari: (Whispers) It’s electricity, Arthur.

Arthur Weasley: Ahh, yes, of course! Electricity, you know, to fix it? (Looks into the pockets of his robe) I have a toaster you may use if you want. We can use a plug!

Mr. Loos: Electricity! To fix a toilet? Filled with water? (Laughs obnoxiously) Are you an idiot?

Arthur Weasley: Uhh, no, actually…

Mr. Loos: Well, what kind of idiot would put a plugged-in toaster into water ? (Absentmindedly flushes toilet. Suddenly a gusher of foul sewage begins to erupt from the toilet. Mr. Loos turns toward the toilet, aghast, grabs the handle and wiggles it vigorously, then reaches into his bag for a plunger. Sewage begins to violently bubble from the bowl. Arthur grabs Istari, forces her into the hall and slams the door, nobly remaining inside the bathroom with Mr. Loos. Sewage seeps from under the bathroom door and drips from the clothes and hair of Istari Jones. Flashes of light, yelling, banging and gurgling are heard from behind the door.)

Istari: Ohh, gross! Yucko! And this was a new suit, too! (Flutters hand to remove residue) Phew! I gotta talk to the boss about getting reimbursed for the cleaning bill. I don’t bring home enough celery to have to deal with this! (Empties shoes)  Poor Arthur! And, oh, poor Molly! When Arthur gets home and she has to do his laundry! (Shakes microphone free of sludge) This is Istari Jones, live from Bethnal Green with a regurgitating toilet. Remember, jiggle the handle first, folks.

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Istari Jones - Oct 21, 2004 8:12 am (#150 of 179)
Edited by Oct 21, 2004 1:36 am

Istari Jones: (Walking squelchily toward the sidewalk) I just don’t believe this. Pee-yew! (Tries vainly to wipe off foul residue off clothes from her last interview with a regurgitating toilet) This is ridiculous! “You gotta go after the story, Istari, the story won’t come to you!” Thanks for the advice, Urg. The Boss sure doesn’t pay me enough celery to have to put up with nonsense like this. I guess it could be worse, though. Poor Arthur Weasley! I’m sure he doesn’t get paid enough celery for what he does, either. And poor Molly! Having to wash his clothes after he spends a night repairing damage like that toilet.

(Throws out wand arm. The Knight Bus appears suddenly on the curb.)

Stan Shunpike: Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or…What’s that smell?

Istari: Never you mind! I need a lift.

Stan: Where to?

Istari: To the WWN Building, where ever they’ve moved it to this time. How much?

Stan. Eleven sickles. But for firteen you get ‘ot chocolate, for fifteen you get an ‘ot water bottle. For twenty you get …

Istari: Is there a shower on board?

Stan: (Laughing) Go on! Nah! The water would make too big a’mess. (Sounds of spattering are heard half way down the aisle). But I kin get you a wet towel and washcloth. We keep’em handy for Mrs. Marsh, here…

Istari: Fine, that’ll work. (Walks unsteadily down the aisle past Mrs. Marsh) Well, it could be worse. At least I’m not running into any of the men of my dreams here and…

Lupin: Istari? Is that you?

Istari: (gives Lupin the deer –in–the–headlight look) Oh, crap! Remus! Wh-what are you doing here?

Lupin: I’m on my way to London. Are you heading that way?

Istari: Uhh, yes. Yes I am. (Tries to look dignified and casual with sewage-encrusted hair and clothes and a piece of toilet paper stuck to her shoe) Just coming back from an interview for the WWN.

Lupin: Let me guess… A regurgitating toilet in Bethnal Green?

Istari: (Gives Lupin a blank look) Who told you??

Lupin: I guessed.

(The Knight Bus careens around a bend and comes to a halt. Tonks jumps on board looking very petite, perky and clean, and smelling very nice. She dashes down the aisle knocking Mrs. Marsh’s hot chocolate out of her hand and heads for an empty seat next to Lupin) Oh, sorry, Mrs. Marsh!! Wotcher, Remus! Wow, what’s that smell?? Oh, hello Istari!

Istari: (with a sad fixed smile) Hello Tonks.

Tonks: (in a low voice to Lupin) I gave the driver extra money to pick up Professor Snape at the next stop.

Istari: (Closes eyes and groans miserably) It’s going to be a long, long ride to WWN….

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Istari Jones - Oct 21, 2004 6:12 pm (#151 of 179)

(Istari storms into the WWN office, ignores "Do Not Disturb" sign and slams hands down onto the Boss's desk.)

Istari: Look, Boss, I've had it. I don't get paid enough celery for what I'm doing here. Even with the extra peanut butter and the cheese-in-a-can. Look at me! Do I look professional??? Do I look like a great representative for the WWNterviews?? Even the trolls in the dark alley ran when they saw me coming! My clothes are in ruins! My shoes need to be thrown away! And, listen here, buddy, it's not like I go out and buy high fashion duds, anyway! Most of this stuff I got on clearance at the Super-Mega-Mini-Mart and Appliance Center!

I think it's about time you and I had a little talk about money, Sherlock, and I don't mean knuts and sickles, either. Now...let's negotiate.

Well, I'm waiting...

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Ticker - Oct 21, 2004 6:31 pm (#152 of 179)

(Wanders past an unfortunate smelling closet...)

Oh, I thought that was you Istari. (short gulp of air) Great speech! Now hike on over to he Boss' office & let 'er rip... Oh, & uh, (quick gasp) check your microphone. I think it's still on...

(Runs back down the hall... GAAAASP!)

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Istari Jones - Oct 22, 2004 1:10 am (#153 of 179)

Wait...I'm in the wrong room? Shoot! Wasted a good speech for nothing!Where's the Boss at any way?